reason 1: they have no intention of behaving like your sister, treating you like a sister, or in any way desire being remotely connected with the family. this is the main trouble with in-laws. for myself, i would've appreciated a sister. but they have an almost pathological obsession of isolationist tendencies. people really do need to realize that they're marrying into a family, aka: community: with all the rights, annoyances and obligations therein.
reason2: the problem is that most families are inherently dysfunctional but hiding behind your husband is an obvious avoidance tactic, and that just creates feelings of hostility. why not take 'offense' in terms of the situation: lighten up and try not to take everything so fucking personally. after all you are coming into a foreign territory with strange people- how bout playing psychologist or observer. don't ever act like the inmate. you haven't earned it. i have lessons to learn in this too but still. it doesn't hurt to humanize yourself, thereby making you more approachable and less of a bitch. why not try getting to know us and stop treating us like hostile alien forces who vie for your husbands affections. we have things to give.
reason3: it's all about them- ALL THE TIME. things like: this is my family, my husband, my child, my car, my house- fly from their mouths like swords. they'd rather throw a tantrum then actually communicate with you or god forbid compromise. why are so many of us prone to "only child syndrome"- sort of like assholes on ice who must control the situation to the finest detail- this is my car radio, this is my bike, this is my plate, these are my crayons, these are my nerouses and i'm not going to tell you about them until years of brooding, bitterness and bile store up in my soul. is there such a thing as therapy for in-laws?
reason4: there's no one telling you things aren't what they appear. usually i pride myself in reading btw the lines, sighs, eye glances- and if theatre and english have done nothing else for me they've taught me how to read people... things mean "things"... and sometimes they are what they are- usually i talk to a lot of people in order to balance my perspective of a situation, bcs i do tend to get obsessive (i'm still waiting to see my friend's couches). so you tell me:
why does "she" hate me?
she doesn't hate you.
so indifference is better?...
why doesn't she call or email?
she's so busy with ....
why doesn't she come over anymore?
she's on a diet.
she's allergic to dust.
she doesn't like bbq.
she'd rather...
she's going...
she's watching...
she's being...
why doesn't she ever invite us over?
she wants to wait until we get a bigger house.
cleaner sheets.
more room.
more money.
more time.
less busy.
less most everything.
so now that you've moved and have a bigger house- are you going to have us over?
not until we get a formal dining room.
and more time.
and more money.
and less busy.
and less/more of most everything.
why do you guys constantly complain about not having enough money to visit and you just bought an ipod and she went to cancun with friends?
the truth is... oop, i've gottogo ttyl! xoxo.
it is in fact mainly a feeling that i have: lost my brother, as he will never sell her out for our sake no matter how mental she is. i do actually understand that but we never like to see the ones we love miserable- hence interventions, hence strongly worded emails, calls... it's not about being overbearing or unkind but sometimes you can see the situation better from the outside. my second feeling is that he will never seek therapy and continue to view his problems as separate from all of the "family" problems that are happening 1,000 miles away, bcs truly if he has enough problems of his own...enough to not care about us. period. then those are some problems that bear attention but when those problems stretch from 1 year to 10 when does it become an addiction, an excuse and then eventually a dismissal.... which all in all just basically makes me "hate" her. the title should be: why i hate my sister-in-law: bcs she doesn't make an effort, she shuns us (and no one likes to be shunned), she doesn't care to know us, she doesn't want my brother to know us and isn't it possible to have both a wife and a family at the same time? can you findyourself a part from people who have been together for 30 years. and how much time is getting to know you time before it eventually becomes i want nothing to do with you time until we're living in some semblance of knowing and family but realistically is but a hallow shell, a sham, a contrivance built on hurt, silence and avoidance. how long is too long before you stop being family... what is the line btw love and enabling- communication and smothering and when do you sunder it- and if you do shouldn't you just say so. you are not a priority. i am consumed with my life. i don't write, call, send you presents bcs i am just TOO BUSY. TOO SPENT. TOO CONSUMED WITH MYSELF.
10 comments:
Hummmm, but I wonder what in-laws think of us? Since we're in-laws too.
It does work the other way though. Apparently while my sis-in-law was visiting home she and my mom had lunch and planned fantasy trips all the way up to backpacking through Europe the summer of 2009.
Both sets of parents are going to Hawaii, although I don't think at the same time.
And I think we're invited to the sister of the sister-in-law's wedding next fall.
And s-i-l came to Shakespeare in the park with me... :)
stop showing off AA.
and well in my particular case i feel that based on her behavior it's pretty clear what she thinks of me... but are you saying that maybe i'm not owning my actions? that's another post- i mean i was wryly amused to find she thought i was most likely a snob and possibly condescending- but we all have to start from somewhere don't we. she gave up when i was 19. i hardly think it fair.
Oh and she doesn't want to do things she "has" to do, like say "thank you" for a gift received.... What's up with that! Is she not an adult. Someone gives you a gift sends you a happy card, you say thanks. But not m's s i l. sigh. I should phone my m i l.
Maybe it's just me, but over the years I've always enjoyed harmonic relationships with the sister-in-laws I've accumulated. Maybe it's my infectious enthusiasm or simply a testament to my good looks, but I've never had a problem establishing a deep and steadfast bond between myself and the women who are sister to my brides.
Family is sort of like a grab bag. You get what you get, and sometimes it works out better than others.
I was just making the point that sometimes it works out really well. Had my bro married an ex-girlfriend...totally different dynamic, as I just told sis-in-law yesterday.
Now if I could trade the behavior of some other extended family, I would seriously consider the possibility.
aheh, you're still showing off AA and that's OKAY ; ) just keep rubbing it in. how perfect your life with your in-laws are. boo!
oh johann, you hardly comment enough.
I just read M's long winded "why sister in-laws suck" and nearly succumbed to an anxiety attack. Your sister-in-law DOES NOT LIKE YOU! Own it and let it go. In the scheme of things in your life, does it really matter? Speaking of life, you may want to find one of your own instead of continuing your power "struggle" over your brother. I take it with the nagging tone in your post that perhaps you don't have a love interest of your own? Chill out and move on.
P.S. Have you thought of letting your sister-in-law know your feelings honestly and respectfully?
April P., I ask you to kindly and respectfully refrain from visiting and commenting on our blog if you're going to judge and attack its authors with your own poison pen. M's post is what's known as a *rant,* founded on truth but ultimately not to be taken so seriously. It's a vent, an unleashing of pent-up thoughts and feelings to *hash it out.* Unless that's what you were doing, in which case, never mind. Thanks for stopping by.
clearly we hit a nerve.
and after all this time too. may wonders never cease.
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