Dear Neuroses in a Spray Bottle,*

I'm going a little crazy again. I mean, you're plastic, so there's not a whole lot you can do about it, but I just figured I'd share. We're friends, aren't we? And that is what friends do, is share.

I know I'll never win the War on Bender Hair, but to put up a good fight, to at least go the distance, I can dream of that. Lately, though, what with the heat and all, combined with a shade of laziness, I'm falling way behind. The dogs are uber-shedders. There's hair everywhere. I hate to think about the a/c duct work, and what that looks like. But I can tell you the state of the floors, and the furniture, and the walls, and sometimes the food on my plate. Dusty. Speckled. Just as furry as the dogs.

None of this would be a problem if I would just let go of the notion that I'll ever come close to winning even one battle in this great war. But it seems that for the past few months at least, I've been channeling the urge to Control What We Cannot into cleaning. Not to the point of sparkling, of course, as that would be even beyond impossible. But cleaning, like spraying down counters, and sweeping up fur, and dusting furniture, and scrubbing dishes, and throwing things away, and organizing everything I can possibly get my little Penny paws on, such as paper clips: It makes me feel better, until it all starts to go to shit again, and then I just start over. Throw something else away. Ah.

It's just getting away from me at the moment. It makes my teeth itch. If I can't properly clean the house, how else am I supposed to calm myself? Starvation? Everyone knows that's no fun.

Couldn't you, I don't know, grow some legs and a little brain and just take care of the mess while we're all sleeping? Or maybe see if Roomba wants to go out on a date and create a love child together? Self-directed vacuum meets high-powered cleaning product--what do you think.

If you have any thoughts on the matter, please contact me soon.
xoxo,
Penelope

*"Hope's Perfect Kitchen" is a fantastic product, one that works particularly well on major appliances, and one that I should surely use more often. If my neuroses were really to be bottled, I feel that HPK would be a great name. You know, it's like the striving and pressure for perfection, all rolled into one?