Thursday, March 31, 2011


I keep thinking of inexplicable weeping Virgin Mary statues, but maybe that has nothing to do with anything. I’m sure it doesn’t.

Thank you for this most endearing distraction. I can endlessly muse on why as a water person you are so territorial about who invades your space. The fish prove to be provoking and mysterious in the ways in which they displace your calm seas. Perhaps you are the aggressive fish in the preverbial tank? So there's some part of you that resents their presence. Though i'd much prefer if your tank was truly taking on signs. But I'll settle for the signs already laid out- there may only be room for you in the water. I am not certain.

Yesterday I hung out in the shade and stared into space. There was some marvelous talking toward midday and I even managed to swim 20 lengths (a meager amount in my mind). But you get the general tone of the day. The parents also have taken to getting marley to clean the plates after dinner. He actually does a pretty good job of it, but the Bodo void as I might call it is fairly strong. Dog vacuum? It frustrates all your expectations of coming home, going outside, dropping things on the floor. (sad face). But what to do. He was maybe will have been the best dog ever. And after moping? Mope. After his non-presence I mostly just wandered around and ate popcorn way too late. And could not be induced to do much of anything else. Ok, well I did find 3 things to give away. Somehow the does always make me feel better. And all the while house international was on. I couldn't even imagine why they went for the house near the golf course. And after a dose of holmes inspection I am now very concerned about termites- wood contacting dirt is BAD. Is all I'm saying.

Beyond that I've got that twitchy or not so twitchy restlessness about me. Being bored with being bored is where I might be at. There's nothing on tv, the internet and who wants to read! Bah. Despite the other day my 1924 text translated from the German in 1995- did contain a sentence using the word "gim-crackery". It was fantastic. We'll let it all go and reexamine next week. I mean i owe money on taxes. Granted I am only $20 short for the month. But where is it going to come from? Can God's provision not include my indebtedness to others. Despite the awesomeness of being in relationship. Which I do like. But not the creditcards. Hmm. Oh and I've been the same weight more or less since last July. I mean I know that's mostly a good sign? Sort of. But really its just another sign of things not changing. Whine. Are we sure I don't have some nutty pituitary issue? I could be eating too much popcorn and ok, bacon for breakfast, but really in order to see results what must be done. Let's not talk about strenuous exercise. Though maybe another trip up the mountain is in order? I don't think my body will hold out though. So nevermind that. Not eating or radical healing are the only other options.

Meanwhile Lent is going well. To bring back the fish analogy- where am I going to cast my net? Lord, teach me how to fish and show me where the best spots are. Tap my shoulder and point as i dangle my feet out over the edge of the water. Hours/Days may pass but let me respond to your prompting and cast the line.

(I mean i imagine that is what fishing is like. Lots of endless water. No results. Then... BAM. Right? I'm a fisherman right? That's how I'm feeling. Baitless and hungry. A barbarian perhaps just stumbling upon a stick. There's all sorts of places this could go.)


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

i’m sure you’d love some distractions -

So I’ll complain a little bit. Shortly after we moved, the fish tank incurred a knick in its seal – possibly the result of a somewhat maniacal cleaning spree, we can never be sure. The knick was at the top of the tank, so was technically only a problem if the water level was too high. Except, when I change the tank, I like to fill the water as high as possible, plus an inch, so the water takes longer to evaporate, and the filter won’t annoy me for approximately 2 or more weeks, warranting another water change. It’s all about my laziness here, let’s note. So without being able to fill the tank to near overflow, the frequency of filter annoyance increased.

We were at the point of Tank Needs a Water Change once again. I cursed out the obnoxious sound of falling water a bit yesterday evening, and pulled the plug on the filter for a few hours of silence. Then I noticed the tank was leaking again. What the what? Like a big puddle. And the table wood – granted, cheapo composite like everything is made from these days – is now warped. And where exactly was the leak coming from. It’s still leaking from the top? Yes, yes it is. The water line is maybe 3 inches below said leak, and yet it magically continues to draw water up to create a continuous dribble-drabble down the side. I keep thinking of inexplicable weeping Virgin Mary statues, but maybe that has nothing to do with anything. I’m sure it doesn’t.

At approximately 11:30 p.m. I decided to free the fish. We need a new tank. I mean, we could fix the seal, maybe, but I don’t trust this tank overall. It’s on the decline. The table wood is warped. And secretly, I’m not even sure I want fish anymore. (Shhh.) And the fish-freeing is, granted, SO much easier than during our move, when I had the Death Flu, no tank lights and only a colander in which to catch the fish. Ooo, and hey – this time, I could even keep the bucket warm with the heater.


I murdered 6 fish last night, m. With the heater. More might die. I am a killer of fishes. I mean, beyond the kind that we eat. I am a killer of pet fishes. It’s much worse. And aren’t a pisces? Isn’t this my sign? Looking at their sad, pale and swollen bodies floating in the commode this morning, I felt sure this was punishment for secretly wishing we didn’t have fish anymore. Or for being stupid. Whichever. Bad fish karma regardless.

I’m afraid to look in the bucket again. I don’t want to deal with the nasty wasteland of a tank or the rotting table. Not to mention, do I want to invest more money in yet another tank whose water will have to be changed and which will almost definitely incur that vexing green sludge issue from the wasteland tank? Because I am a murderer of fish.

Who knew my complaining would go on so long. And I was also going to tell you how we’ve become tick bait. And I haven’t even touched on the Bible bars and the cure-all tonic at our Amish Market. Next time, friend. Next time.

love to you -

penelope, fish killer

Monday, March 28, 2011

m’s heart is sad

And so therefore is mine.

 bodoill be good

bodo at the gate

Rest in peace, sweet Bodo. Hope you are chasing tennis balls in the sky.


So this is what I wrote to the woman for the job i was up for. Not sure if i shared it with you- so i'll enclose it now. Having not found the words yet to reply back to her I do find they fail to meet my requirements for a job as i am not being communicated with, trusted, utilized, needed or purposeful... It bums me out. Let's be honest. I was going to complain about my dog not being better or worse and now slightly better than before? And the vet just giving him anti-dizzy meds but not anti-biotics. But you were on chat. So we chatted. It's different for us. Though different in a, we used to communicate via chat years ago and here we are again. As neither of us want to write tomes on feeling stuck in the same place. I mean we should- we will soon I'm sure. But for now. LMFAO and TTYL. ;)

How do you describe yourself?

I would describe myself in the following list: independent, creative, goal and task oriented, lover of lists, organized, pragmatic, highly verbal and communicative, tragically not mechanical or engineering minded, INTJ, good at discerning systems and concepts, craves order and boundaries, does well in crisis, reliable, loyal, calm and driven.

When people say what do you do? how do you answer that?

I say I’m an artist. If pressed I might expound on the various work I’ve done (from research, scenic artist to tour guide and stage manager), and of those, which have been significant to me- in my development as an artist, or personally what I’ve enjoyed putting my hand and mind too, or found challenging. Sometimes I may even wax philosophic on the fact that I come from a line of craftspeople and sheep herders (I love to see my place in an historical context.)

And when someone asks you what do you want to do in the future? What is that answer?

I tend to give myself a degree of latitude in this area, as my answer first addresses the fact that in the future I hope I am still actively learning, pursuing knowledge, and creatively developing, and challenging myself- so that I am not doing a disservice to myself or to the people that know me, in exploring and living in the world. I try to strike a balance between pursuit and avenues of change—being open to the possibilities of the unexpected, while walking in what I know. I don’t want to close doors, just because I can’t conceive of them!
The answer that relates to work, the dollar and cents issue of future, usually address the basic needs I find most sustaining in work environments- that usually being community, feeling needed and utilized, trusted, communicated with, and purposeful. Overall I know I need something that meets both my financial needs and matches my skill set, and an ability to gain experience for future employment would also be beneficial—as being grounded is just as important as being visionary. I most want to be responsible and helpful.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

As I had,

just today thought my dog Bodo was on the verge of death. Turns out he might just be dizzy. Mom and dad just took him to the vet. And they're keeping him overnight. I see this as an highly appropriate to my own life. I mean he may still die soon. His hips are bad. He really was not getting around well. And he's still victim of the natural law. I'd like him to die in his sleep. Pass peacefully. NoneofthisheartwrenchingSuffering business. That pathetic and heart rending look from those dark, soulful eyes of worry and not quite rightness and no language but common emotional searing to tell me. I am allowing myself to grieve the short terminable life of dog and mankind. It is after all tragic. Even though I know we are subject to frustration in the hopes we will be set free from bondage and decay. It SUCKS. So I am grieving. It's all very lenten.

And his dizzy muddled decaying condition I still can look out the window and call it lovely. Call him lovely. The sky, the rain, the fragrance of flowers snatched on the wind- as i myself feel carried in the choppy waters will try not to speak death upon myself and life. I will simply look out and up and call it lovely. Because inside all is internal chaos and churning- threats of cliff jumping, failure and unpleasantness- heavy handed upon my heart. But outside of me,  it doesn't seem so bad.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

i guess…?

Here are a few picture of New Town. I’m still a bit doubtful frankly... of either the town or my photography abilities, or both. These were taken on my bday as part of the quasi adventuring meant to spruce up the day. Many signs of spring abound. As well as some desolation in so many empty and/or struggling storefronts. There are more faded signs on brick buildings, more architectural details to cover. And let’s not forget the Tobacco District. I’ll get there someday. It’s a photojourney, or somethinglikethat.


Historic bldgs. Part of some tour?


Episcopalian church that I attended a few times.


Outside view of the post office, which btw is not v. clearly marked. I finally found where it actually says “post office.” Does not exactly stand out when driving by in one’s car.



Love these. However. at least one of these places hosts skeezy clientele. So I hear.









Uhh… deer? And some sober words.




There’s another wig shop right across the street. Seriously.


And yet this entire panorama of stores is abandoned.



Glimpse of aforementioned Tobacco District.


J.Lo’s office building. And the historic marker out front. We hope not heavy with symbolism.


Next door – justice.


True story ~ K.Lo: “Mommy, how did that man get turned to stone?”


Another side street.


And the magic of tutus, striped socks and soccer cleats.

somethings -

K.Lo wished to pass along the following photo to you. She came back with her fabricated once a pinwheel/now an umbrella contraption only to find that you weren’t “in the computer anymore.” Which caused a sadface. But then I said I’d take a picture and send it to you. And she smiled. She’s been talking about you and Marley and Bodo ever since.


A day in the life, indeed. Yesterday we finished rescreening the porch, which adds a whole extra room to our house, relatively free of bugs and blistering sun, which makes a fair penelope happy. Here’s a glimpse. But I need more pictures. That’s the table from my parents, along with the chairs, that I plan to sand and paint in outdoorenamal RED.


Also, I am apparently allergic to all sandals, even the pricey ones. Really. It’s almost as bad as you being allergic to strawberries. My feet are just so itchy and the world is cruel.

And I as I noted to you, the kitchen will be cinnamon. Here are the choices, but it’s going to be the top one. Two “cinnamon stick” and a “cinnamon cherry.” And there’s the fluorescent overhead issue which I really did not mean to cause. I mean it was an issue in that I do not at all love and in fact get a headache in response to glaring fluorescents. But now it’s an even bigger issue in that I removed the cover to disable two out of the four lights and then um sortof broke said cover when attempting to put it back up? Oopsie. Anyway. Cinnamon stick. Top one.


And short on funds, kitchen lightless, etc, I’m down to the selection of kcups that came free with the kcup brewer, and most of them are “bold” or “extrabold?” Which is just – bold. Bold coffees do not eff around. They are like, I AM COFFEE. HI. And I’m like, um. Hi. Hello. You don’t taste like grass or even a diner beverage requested to be topped off every 30 seconds, but here you are. Hello.

To continue our supermoon thread occurring via email, here are my pictures. Here is the supermoon where I live. I’ve frankly seen it bigger – twss – but it was still wicked in my sky.



Last night we watched the vampires that I got for my birthday. I love the vampires. The movie was slipped into the box containing my cake when I wasn’t looking. Oh and here’s my serenading K.Lo along with my cake. I’d show you the top, but they messed up at the bakery or something and it didn’t say penelope. Some other girl’s name. So strange.


I can’t believe it about that wedding that ended? I mean what a sucky return on your investment. You should at least have gotten unending love and commitment out of your $800+. I mean honestly. Also yay for Sarah and her glutenfree pizza secrets. I saw a slice myself and attest it did actually resemble pizza. Not that I’d ever eat it myself, but I’m totally happy for you. Smile


tortured. artisty. pen.

Saturday, March 19, 2011


i painted my nails red and am contemplating hairstyle and accessory choice for the wedding tomorrow. the first one i've been to since '07? i guess i shy away from people getting married? or ? none of my friends are getting married? i went to too many when i was in my 20's along with all those babyshowers. lets be honest. i mean i'm never going to see a monetary return on all of these. and this one wedding i was in. spent nearly $800+ on ended. sad. and then i think will i ever and ... i responded to her saying, WOH! but never heard back after. nevermind.

i really was going to talk about this awesome glutenfree pizza i got to have courtesy of sarah and her awesomeness, and then i got to have some again, and again and it was still as fantastic as it was before. oh and i suspended my netflix for a month. i'm going to just call it a lent thing. last week up until about wednesday i felt pretty onboard and now i just feel checked out. oh and vandals came and effed with my church garden. beyond uncool. and i'm $70 short on bills for the month. thankGOd for moms. this week begins the official breaking back out of the credit card to pay for things like gas... and the beautiful mercy of my friends who treat me to lunch and dinner and lattes- it rends my heart to be so taxing? or needy? but then i feel the love. so it can't be all bad. the feeling? of feelings? but will i ever be not needy in this way? isn't it just a tad unproductive?  i'm trying not to let circumstances steal my joy. because there always will be circumstances won't there? and monday i'll get back on schedule- do some prayer, job search, play borderlands for 5 hours. go to church- since we're canceling services bcs the LAmarathon is running down our street, and so we're having services Monday? yah, i don't know. why not i guess.

maybe work on the quilt tomorrow cuz as lisa points out i totally should. and finish it. even though i have no one to will it to. or heirloom it too? but still its for me right if no one else. and thats something. and one day i'll have a bed to put it on. maybe. well anyway its going to rain tomorrow and i'm going to stalk snails who are eating my maidenhair ferns. for now i think i will get some water and channel surf.

sincerely tortured,

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Future Pen,

Look it's the FUTURE!

We finally are trying out future means of communication. We are not entirely sure about it. The frenetic energy of webcamming. It was fun though- the day in the life of. I got to see her brood and her Best BF J.lo. And she brought her bobblehead Dwight out just for me. I'm sure we could master the art of such a thing. But it might be more reserved for when we're feeling whimsical or daring. I'm not sure. I think we did manage to talk about some things. Cards were mentioned. Birthday events. Much talk about CornBeefCabbage something or other. Cats. Dogs. Sarcastic references to jobs, money and spinsterhood were made. I got to see dolls and backpacks and see nlo. and his clothes on backward. Pen assured me before that he was not naked. And klo was running around in a bathing suit but that's because there was a lu-ou? how do you spell that. lu... something happening downstairs. And that the basement was a place they were going to have to get used to. Pretty fantastic. and yea! good times!

It seems as if it was some sort of silly dream. A good dream that charged my morning in a positive way just now. I'm all smiles and that was sillyness. Next time we'll have to have tea or pick a craft. Our energies as much as we sit down to type do not do well to sit down and talk pretend. I would ponder this more, and i'm sure pen has much to say, but i have that xbox game borderlands to play.

m. OUT.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Oh My Penny Goodness,

i heard the door shut and i rolled out of bed, avoiding the brick stairs, and began a maddash for supplies. ferreting aroundi n closets and kid supplies. i thought to myself, my most awesome friend should be celebrated. the happy thoughts surrounding your existence are no less diminished a year later.

can any more be said?! its your birth-day. you arrived on earth to be one of the most imaginative lovely caring things in my mind. you arrived so we could have mystical encounters over hot-chocolate. and navigate our way through all of lifes circumstances together over words pauses and sentence breaks. you are a blessing.
 i mean you know i don't have a present per se for you (um yet?) and thanks for not holding it too much against me. it sounds like you have a lovely day planned (look for the unexpected and divine? dare i say hunt for whimsy?). some room for deviation, meandering (tossing pennies at birds... i mean in fountains)-- 33 has got to be good. just the look and sound of it really. i agree with you about the feel and look of #'s. i remember 33 being good even though i had just climbed a volcano at 32 and was completely jobless. the # can't disappoint. no matter how maudlin we become.
i think the thing of it is we grow into our birthdays. we fill the larger numbers out and it takes more time to build word by word and feeling after feeling what the age might mean to us and then what it means after the fact. we're putting stake in something like a solid investment of yields and or recession like shenanigans that produces something by the years end unexpected or unique or even disappointing- but to us would be termed as ridiculous or absurd or even a better story, a more definitive arc. some dip or turn that makes for better reading. as long as your birth day and year doesn't leave you feeling small. as long as it leaves you feeling infinite. and no matter how singular you feel we are right next to you, thanking God for you. this life. this beautiful thing growing most curiously across the continent from me. the skeptical eyebrow raise, the way you described coffee tasting like grass on the 96th floor in that highrise, your head shake at lemon butter slathering, and how that lady didn't get on the elevator with us for obvious reasons. or that reassuring stare that tells me i am not alone... and much and many more.


(commense obnoxious yippy skippy dance with hands claps clap clapping.)