Sunday, May 26, 2013

hello love,

It's Sunday and the weather is perfect. I mean PERFECT. It's also one of those ridiculous flipping-tired days with no explanation, but I'm rolling with it? We're making a set of wind chimes out of leftover keys, a la Pinterest. I love it already. I mean, look how many extra keys we've accumulated over the years. No idea what they unlock.

Also, I'm having a glass of wine. Bread is baking in the oven, Italian-style, a la Pinterest too. K.Lo helped put everything in the mixer and for nine minutes we watched the dough hook go round and round.

The deck, as per last week's FB post, is completely rearranged furniture-wise, and I like it. There's all this floor space in the middle, and the red table is squirreled away in a corner, where I'm writing now. The seed-starters are on the table out of puppy's reach. And I can quasi-hide. It's a reincarnation of always choosing a sit in the back of the class.

Guess who gave me this awesome rose - hag neighbor. I mean. There was obviously a price; I had to listen to a string of Life Complaints I Hope to Never Make. But it was nice? It's a lovely rose.

I love the image of your painted floor - a picture please - and the walls and all the other transformations. I need pictorial evidence of what is happening over there! What is filling your days.

And Bruckner's POV makes me laugh - I've conditioned myself over the many years to automatically cringe at overt God-talk. I do wonder. Because for me in my quieter ways I'm inclined to show rather than tell people what I value? But I witness you on your sage-path, amazed. But then, my husband the secular-humanist. I have my foot in both worlds, and I understand each side.

Tonight: fish tacos, twilight 4: part 2 (finally!), more painting of keys. Tomorrow: some uber-inexpensive babyback ribs from Aldi and an evening bonfire, I hope! And Arrested Dev in there, somewhere.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Dear Bruckner,

Good morning, in that strange hobbit hall you call home. I don't exactly know what a hobbit hall is, i think i meant hole, but this is just to illustrate how tired we all are. I remember carpet. The bathroom and bedroom being to the right, kitchen back and to the left or something. . . The problem as i see it with me is that the new old stuff is harder to relate as new or bizarre. Except for the religious stuff, because let me tell you, things are ku-razy. OH strangely enough i had a dream i was at a conference that the godless attitude present in todays startrek was in direct opposition to rodenberrys original intent and eastern/jewish principles... is this true? I have no idea. But i dreamed it. I think actually it's not true- they're more humanistic in philosophy- the triumph of the human spirit, it's indomitableness... and that its a constant moving away from the base savagery to greater intellectual heights- but then what do you do with KHAN? Apparently tuck him away and have kirk say something like, revenge is bad. Blah blah blah. Let's be good boys and girls.... anyway, Something about spock not believing in miracles during the actual movie. People in the audience laughed- since they seriously couldn't comprehend the character references- (like jim being corn-fed. mwah!). And i cringed. Thank SCIENCE. Did you ever see that SouthPark episode?

Also a world without God is just exceeding lame. I got into an argument with my cousin because he was trying to come from a position positing the intellectual and animal instincts of humanity as if there were no spiritual capacity in man, which is just an also equally idiotic concept, whatever you believe- that i stopped him, as i always do because we can only argue so far and then i lazer cut a line in the steel beam and say, well, here's me and my belief in God so i'm not going to pretend that your particularly narrow theorizing is a place i can play when God is right there behind me.

And moving my parents literally a few boxes at a time puts me to sleep to relate. I am painting the bathroom cabinets teal forest. I painted the word HOME on the floor of the kitchen just like that in that particular font- as a meditation on home not being here at all, but yes, in the heart, and why? because God is there... and where am I - in His heart. What else... sarah gave me her ipod, albiet a bit reservedly- not to lose it- i will state here for the record the incident i related about  nha trang and losing both my phone and my ipod. But whatever. Sophia is giving me an iphone. Ellie gave me a box of clothes. My dad has given me a dowry in the form of a 50" tv i loathe. And the xbox- so now i can play gears of war 3. Something to celebrate clearly.

Did i tell you the weird marriage threads? Let's relate them:
1. Tess wrote: "i had a dream about u m, like 2 weeks were selling jewelry that you made in a store and i was looking at it, and it was super expensive and you were look a highly paid artist...and i asked you how you liked your trip, and you blushed..i asked you if you found love, and you said yes but now you had to choose between the two of them!! LOL!! so weird and random!!"

2. The latest copy of BRIDES magazine is delivered to my house sans address label.

3. I make my mother coffee. She says since she dreamed that she had tasted this coffee in the dream that she would relate she was holding a baby and that the baby in her arms was telling her she was having a baby.

4. I dream that a drunk groomsman is ruining my wedding by wanting to talk about the same-sex marriage debate. I say no. My fiances sister would like me to hear the groomsman out. She gets offended when i say, well you might as well have a donkey performing the ceremony. She leaves. My fiance is having issues with his tophat. There are a couple life-sized surprise bags down the aisle and in contemplate putting my veil down.

5. And then at the retreat where more God stuff went down, i drew a picture. I take home the picture and put it on the refrigerator- my mom then says, oh that's a lovely bride and groom. I step back, sure enough there they are- unmistakable and hard not to see once pointed out to you...

6. Dreamt i married this guy after the first date from church.

What else... 

ok i'm out of time... callie and i are hiking. and that durned parrot woke me up thinking it was being a crow that was being murdered. not so... a new pet?? hello. hello.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


How do you fare?

It's been a long time since I've written. In coming home I've lost the lodestone of me. I'll find it again. We'll have more to say. Things not just whirling around. For the record, you and me, we're dancing around big topics. Spiritual things. Encounters. Tests. Tremors and upsets. Divides. Course setting things i feel- that will when we look back upon our letters be unwritten and the weight of the unwritten, oh my. That's where we betray ourselves. Or simply cannot find words to say. I understand. I've spent two months speaking, but I almost wonder if Jeju will ever come up again. It must? Rocksolid was the change. I tell people: it was a challenge. it was anxiety of the body divorced of the mind. I didn't feel safe. I meditated on the rocky shores almost every day for months and again and again the word - safe. I felt drawn to intimacy with Jesus. I understand, as John the Baptist did that he could die knowing that Jesus was the one who was to come- he didn't have to look for another. I wept at the thought. The time was about abandonment of self into God's hands. Walking the way of holiness. Coffee. One day being delivered into God's heart. Feeling encompassed. Feeling able to love fully the place He had put me. And then the journey and travel of it all- the rest. And then i came back. And everyday seemed much the same as a long time ago but different anxieties, looking peripherally at the job. Bothered but not that i don't own a pair of jeans. That i need a queen mattress. That there's nothing in my room but a bed and a tv. I don't have a cellphone, or a dayplanner. I don't even know if i can hold onto the things that have passed. past. And my nails are splitting. I'm drying out all over. I'm weirded out over the prospect of gaining weight. I don't know where the footholds are. Or where in the house I should be.

And between those things, I'll just mention for myself that I had an encounter with a lightening rod of God. (at the conference aut invited me to) I said to her, oh my, you're a lightening rod. She said, keep receiving unless you're driving. It built up till the next day and poured over for hours. I saw the heavens. There was an angel behind danica. I was in tears. After, taken up, tired and calm. The next day burning with God's love for you, for anyone I saw. And then there was the tea, and J speaking in tongues. And the church conflict- losing the building, the letters, the conversations and dipping back in. And now a womens retreat. And the dreams, the bridal magazine, the prophetic elementary school friend, and the same-sex debate trying to ruin my wedding (that dream). My husband to be, having issues with his top-hat. Not, defined. Oh and my birthday.

Lately I've found God wants me to continue to be relational. people over lists. worship over responsibility. I think He is patently rejecting my concept of projects, and bulldozing. I still don't even know if I'm at my full capacity. It doesn't seem like it as the only thing i got done was cleaning out a linen closet and doing laundry. With plenty of breaks. I've also found there's even less on Tv then there was when I left. I find myself most comfortable in front of the computer. When it's not crashing. I still dont have the cord for the laptop and indeed the lens and my camera are no longer speaking.

It all feels not myself and jumbled.

And my jaw is constantly clenched. Yoga helped a little bit this morning. But still i barely relaxed and even though i tried to close my eyes after battling sentient military ships via xbox... i just couldn't. I kept playing. Oh and meanwhile the house- kitchen cabinets mostly gone through, j's couch where the old one used to be and a middleages inspired bench where the stereocabinet was. My grandfathers navy chest where the sidetable used to be. So it comes, it goes- it's evolving. Soon what once was will be gone and what comes will be what is.

Ok, i'm off to pick popcorn out of my teeth and hydrate. Oh and watch ONCE. THe office is making me so angry. Just nevermind. I did see the end of AR by the way- but i just didn't know or care much about who to root for.

-for later: postcards, the everyday.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

i adore the green

The puppy lives. She laid around like a lump yesterday - what did they do to me? - and today she is back in action with her puppy jazz paws and incessant licking of Bender's overjoyed face. By overjoyed I mean snarling, obviously. But then there's this sheet that says, keep puppy calm and relatively inactive for a week while she heals. Mm-hmm.

J.Lo called the principal again and allegedly K.Lo's assigned bus seat will be changed. Right. So maybe no car riding for the rest of the year and beyond? We'll see. Slacker school and their ineffectual lice takedown.

I have a long to-do list this weekend and my brain can't hold any of it. I mean obviously I'll write it down. But my brain is too full to do any accomplishing. This includes our assignment, and two freelance articles, and finishing the babyshower invitations and mailing them, and some other crap I've forgotten already. See? Effing hormones. Debilitating!

And reading. I haven't read from an actual book in, like, two weeks.
And yoga. I feel like some of these circulatory issues would be helped by picking up yoga again. Right?

This morning is t-ball, preceded by the farmer's market, where apparently CSA veggies await us. I love the randomness. Don't pick up for two weeks - except wait, come by the farmer's market, I have stuff for you! Love the farmer.

Except a few hours later - I'm back from the game and the market - the farmer didn't recognize me? Which is fine, he's only met me twice and not in the context of the busy market. But then even after hearing the name, he was like, oh yeah - that's Penelope. And then proceeded to pack a bag with everything Penelope likes, but as though Penelope wasn't there. I was instead the Penelope Produce Ambassador? It was so weird! And I was too confused to correct him? Agggh. WhatEVer. I'm blaming the whole scene on hormones, too. And will attempt not to let it taint my bokchoysoup.

I did take some pictures on my solitary walk from the market to the ball field. Which was chilly. But filled with fantastic things like green, non-ProRunPatricia trees, baby ducklings and hissing geese. Who doesn't love hissing geese...

I'll be needing to hear more about the birthday tea, thanks in advance!

Friday, May 3, 2013


So i've made some of my first home pressed coffee by Peets. How long do you let it steep normally? The taste is all right. I wouldn't say resplendent- but good if I double the recipe. Like 4 scoops instead of 2. Is that excessive? I can't help it. I have allergies. Thee breathing smelling/taste thing? My eyes are red and I'm snarfing and hacking. Which makes me think I need to eat more honey if that does in fact work. I'm eating an apple and've had an egg and 2 ezekial bread toasts which would be better if there were nuts baked into the bread but anyway. And i'm watching the office- I'm not sure if it needed to be 40minutes long especially since Jim's sacrifice continued throughout the episode to make Pam seem like a selfish deluded hosebeast who had hopefully no one on her side- as it seemed as the episode progressed that there really is NO going back. Even for fictional characters. Am I right? And then when Andy was like... blah blah blah follow your dreams and Jim didn't even catch the correlation? Or was he just putting on a brave face? I do love davidwallace. And oscar and angela and the bit with stanley and phyllis at the end. Nice. I think the heavy actor issue of whether andy would be a success or not was a bit irritating-  especially since he is already "successful"- it would've been much better to have a discourse about inital fame and then what do you do "after"...

Meanwhile it's suppose to be blazing today which i'm not happy about because my body finally adjusted and i'm no longer freezing so that 95 is actually really hot and wilting- yesterday i attempted to do something and i was like ugh no. I do continue to move my parents a few boxes at a time. Progress is being made I have to believe. Though it doesn't really seem like it. Which messes with my productivity meter. But really bit by bit. Here we go on down the lane. Like my dad came over yesterday and was like blah blah LATER. As if the time was not now. Me being back is NOW. I am the ball in motion. Be the ball. Roll. You can do it. You're almost there.

The other day i rounded the corner to my bathroom and i was suddenly struck by my feeling 'old'/er now staunchly in my late 30's. And my drivers appointment made on the 8th (a bit late) so i can take that new picture- the one that hopefully will show a benchmark on the way down the lane. And who really knows what to do with myself. And there's a bump on my chin that was a blemish once and i think officially scarred? And is now a permanent discolored bump which drives me nuts. It's like if i were to make an analogy about Stanley from pro/run finally making it after a 3rd try out and then being so completely off his game that it was disasterous... and patricia and her trees? are you serious? I'm with Nina- wacky, whimsy but cohesion and sophistication- come on. Worst season of pro-run ever. Though i did love that zak guy. I guess I am in the right place to be the person I am. LA.

What else... oh puppy spaying and my cats all have fleas. Which they do and are now medicated on the necks waiting it out. Oh corruptable nature. with its nits, fleas, bedbugs (ambers apt complex), lice and cockroaches and ants and mites and whatever else... you just have to shake your head at. And thank a tidy 1st world order that eradicates such things.

Allright, let me go beeee productive. Or think about being productive? It's hard to say. Maybe i'll just stare at stuff and watch the day go by. Decisions, decisions.


ps. for bruckner i think i'd actually ... hmm i could google image it and guess the address. that might be fun.


Thursday, May 2, 2013

good morning,

It's cold. My hand(s)/arm(s) are still intermittently asleep. And sometimes my right foot toes? And this morning it occurred to me that I've been wearing the night arm brace thingy upside down for five days. Egad, penelope - brilliant! Not the only ridiculous mistake I"ve made this week however. Am fighting the urge to close the porch door and turn on the heat already. Not that I'm really complaining, because this is spring! I'm glad we haven't jumped with both feet straight into summer. I need time, transition.

Five or six library books are inexplicably overdue - why am I not getting timely notices of impending doom? Although it wasn't just me, with the blog-service shutdown. Their Facebook page is in an uproar, bloggers lamenting and railing over the thoughtless approach to disbandment. Like when Picnic shut down? They sent warning emails for six months. I wanted to pull my hair out by the end of - I KNOW. I GET IT. YOU'RE SHUTTING DOWN. But at least they gave ample warning. As they should!

Anyway, the blog about the children has been transferred. To the second choice platform, WP, but whatever. I've wasted enough time with tech hoops and other obstacles, and am sticking to it.

Right now I'm watching the ProRun season finale. Stanley sewing models into outfits like a madman. Whaaaat happened, Stanley. And why is Michelle's runway music on barbiturates. Although I love her collection. Aw, Patricia - dedicating the collection to trees. I like it. Maybe they're truffula trees, but that's all right?

But I'm ready for the next season already.

Puppy's spay-surgery is tomorrow. I'm hoping for a quiet weekend. Is it too much to ask? Three super-busy weekends in a row and I'm ready to crash. Not that said weekends weren't filled with goodness. Much goodness with friends, family and friends again. And finally seeing Duke Gardens, which is lovely! Clearly even more charming this time of year with unobnoxious temperatures and full flora. And pondering, if you could go there all the time, what would be "your spot." In the endless nooks and crannies. By the water? Next to stones? On a quiet bench or in the zen-ish garden. Maybe in a surreptitious pocket of woods, like the old man with a book.

Omg, Jewel is going to be in a Lifetime movie...what is happening.

Also, the heavy cloud/ton of bricks has descended. Oh hormones, how I loathe thee. That's all I can say about that right now.

Tell me what's going on in your world, m! And send poor Bruckner a postcard already. Via owl post if you must. They found Harry in the cupboard under the stairs, surely they can find Bruckner on the gravel road past the giant blue cactus across from the honey badger statue, or whatever that insane address was.