ok, pen-

so it's a small island and i'm all nervous and stuff about talking about things but how can i relate the chaos i'm walking into? so that's why i'll do it here i suppose? i dont know. whatever. i'll try not to stress.

Person X: (there for 6 months), quits and feels called to talk about how person S is unhealthy and needs to change. They quit. [Christian]

Person Y: (there for 10months) is fired. Rather shitty regardless of whatever was going on, since it was probably more a personal issue than a professional one- so they get no bonus and have to pay back their flight and whatever. Yikes. They also tell it like it is. [Some sort of Christian]

Person Z: (There for 2months, takes Y's side, has bad attitude) is fired and moves on. I'm now replacing them.

Person A: (There for 3months) is taking it one day at a time but is probably going in 2months [agnostic christian]. Also tells it like it is but is trying really hard to keep a level head and give the place a chance but one foot, clearly out the door.

Person B: Keeps to themselves. Has been there a while. Seems to sync with S pretty well.

Person ME: calculating how long i would need to stay to extract myself and try again elsewhere by the 3rd week. And it's not that i don't think i should be there.

KTeacher1: Moves to another continent
KTeacher2: Maternity leave
KTeacher3: Leaving soon for another continent. Replacement coming soon.
KTeacher4: ? Is staying?
KTeacher5: Going back to school next month

I dont know. I mean it's not about the kids. It's the energy of the school. It's the headteacher. It's the owner. It's the administrator (same/same). You go to sleep on sunday with a tight chest and you wake up on Monday feeling dread. It's possible the whole place has bad mojo. I don't know. I just know that even with the learning curve, and the transition that there's way more going on than just getting used to a. new environment b. a new job and c. a new country. . . i mean yes routine, homesickness, physically being elsewhere, and everything all of it being different but literally walking up that hill to school is a threshold of something else entirely. I felt it grab me on wednesday, march through me on thrusday and trick me into trusting it until it betrayed me on Friday.

It's not that I dont think i'm suppose to be there because i do. I actually feel called here to help S specifically. There's just a wicked battle happening here. I don't know. It's very cloudy. Sickness and all. And apparently S has been sent messangers before me. Which makes it even crazier to me now that i see the pattern. Everything I sensed and picked up- red flags, alarms... has me going ok. I'm here. Why? How am i not going to get sucked under? It already trounced me and brought me to tears in week 3. How can i overcome it and see through it on top of all the normal obstacles? I don't know. I'm going to have to start fasting or something. Seriously. Because I know I didn't make a mistake. It was suppose to be here, this place, this job... but holy.

m.

dear february,

I sort of hate you. And I don’t even know why. You do contain the birthday of my firstchild, who is a wonder. And I’ve never minded Valentine’s. Or Leap Year. Or the Winter Olympics when they come around. I like a good snow, when it happens. I even like bare trees. I adore bare trees, and their silhouette against the sky. I loved our Chi-trip last February, and all the magic contained therein. Prophetic hot chocolate and overpriced coffee with grass undertones at the JHTower.

Things I don’t like? Sickness. I’ve hit a wall with patience and patientcare. Not to mention my own horrifying run-in with The Virus. I. Am. Done.

But beyond specificities, I find you to be a Great Big Blob of Malaise. You are the purgatory between winter and spring, the no-man’s land between striped sweaters and pastel parkas. You make me paranoid and defeated about Lots of Things. Like my dog, and the pigs next door. Whom I should probably meet before I judge. It’s just that they were tiny and cute and ran away when I saw them last week, and now they’re big and boisterous and oink at me when I walk by. Probably I should oink back. Okay I won’t blame the pigs. Even if they’re starting to smell already. But what about the friggin’ mouse you sent to my kitchen today? That. Is unacceptable. I have no words. My overactive imagination and the rat infestation film I saw in third grade will not abide.

Okay maybe I’m just tired. And annoyed. I did grow up with various mice issues after all. But then we had a cat. And now I’m allergic to cats. So I can’t get a cat.

I really hate you February. Maybe it doesn’t make any sense but it’s all your fault. I’m pretty sure m has some words for you too.

no love. no soup.

penelope

PEn-

Holy shit about bender- I totally get where you're going with that. Zep was a host of nerousis too. You have to maybe get with the dog whisperer on this one- I don't know. When zep growled at me once i picked her up by the scruff of her neck and chucked her outside. I'm not quite certain with what to do in your case as i'm sure bender is like my cat marley- with the hurt/bad hips- they're already set to agitation level high... downers maybe? Fuck though. I guess though boundaries, decreased stimulation, not setting up bender for failure in stressful situations because she can only be and do what she does, not more, and this worked with zep, not trying to pet them or comfort them when they're freaking out- that actually just reinforces that they feel they should be freaking out- hence me coming back from chi with an agoraphobic dog- mom will totally vouch for this one. But ick man. Straight to my heart.

Otherwise i've had a terrifically shitty day, mostly centering around deleting all my music files in a haze of stupidity and flu this am. really need to figure out that file share thing. capped off with trying to get sushi and it taking an hour, ending with soggy rice and too spicey chicken tonight. But whatever i'm sure tomorrow will be fine. And yes, we can get back to the book. Can we say end of week though? I think mentally. I understand about all the tasking the church can impose- it's all about asking Jesus where he wants you, where your gifts are so that you can focus your energies there otherwise it's all too much right? i hope that's not a kiss off but really- good boundaries, focused martialled whatever-

Also really the color of that frosting is delightful... makes me wish i could a. find butter. I'm sure it's somewhere in some container that i cant recognize and b. syrup maybe... i don't know. I should start a list. There will be a long list- oh also, yes, brooms are easy to find- cheap plastic things- but i'm almost out of money. It's like food, or the power strip, food or the broom, food or the trashcan. Fuckitright? Because then it will be food or bus tickets etc- it's not going to get that bad. I get paid a little something on the 10th i hope??? I'm not sure when they start or end the cycle. I get reimbursed in 2wks maybe- mom is helping with bills but still- yikes. It all adds up- detergent, toilet brushes, fuckinghangers, closet shelves... blah.

alright ive got to spread myself out.
love- m.

they are sucking me dry.

Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true this very instant, but this week – I had some moments. Like after tending to the sickies for a few days, and then it all seemed to go away and I breathed a sigh of relief. Ah. I made it through without (fully) losing my mind. Now on to birthday preparations, go go! But no, K.Lo was sick, again. But then it was just fallout from her meds, as noted specifically on the side of the bottle. So on to school she went and the world was righted again.

But don’t think I didn’t feel Very Sorry for Myself. I did. I still kind of do. Because these creatures are so very draining. Need need need all the time and then some. All three of them. And then the dog (the one who is nuts) does something completely unacceptable like bite J.Lo, enough to bruise and break the skin. It was while he was testing out K.Lo’s new scooter, and the kids were chasing, giggling and screaming, and who knows what was going on in the Bender’s mind – fun, protectiveness? Idiocy? But now there’s the question landing in my lap of what to do. Sometimes I really hate those questions. The ones you don’t ask for.

Anyway anyway. Even though I’m completely useless tonight and the same last night, I’m not discontent. Lovely celebration of 6 for the little bug. Stayed awake during the latest installment of ProRun. (But not Grey’s, whose ridiculous premise exhausted me after 5 minutes.) Succeeded in cake-baking, with the assistance of new pans, colors and an icing spatula received Christmas. They all work delightfully. And the thieved items from Walmart were flower picks, which I used to hold my Tinkerbell decorations, which I cut from a birthday card.

Church tomorrow. (Will we – you and me – finish our book?) Even though I hate the first Sunday of the month because of the awkward grape juice thimbles. Ugh. I can’t even talk about it at the moment. There is a series of three Newcomers’ Classes, and tomorrow is the first. Which I’m gathering are sort of lectures…? possibly boring? But I’m game.

Sometimes, on the third hand, I feel like very quickly it all becomes toomuchtoask. Like yes, classes. Yes, reception to be received into the church. Yes yes. Wednesday night dinners/fellowship/play practice for kids. Okay. Relay for Life in May? Umm. And related fundraiser Shrove Tuesday WHO’S COMING! WHO’S VOLUNTEERING! Oh and unrelated to church the local kids’ consignment sale that I bank on to get rid of all of our outgrown things? Signup was like 3 weeks ago. Apparently. And the sale is in a month. And I realized at the last sale that I need to give myself a full month to get all my shit together. So. Um.

No rest for the wicked.

But get well, you. And track that ocean – is it a mendacious mood ring? Or simply a beast/beauty upon which to meditate.

lovetoyouinjeju,

pen

P.S. I was totally that attentive kid/melter-downer in kindergarten. That’s me! Aw. The poor little bean. He’ll be fine so long as you are, as you are, consistently kind.

we are making fairies

Me and K.Lo. For a mobile.

For you my love, Here's to cultural exploration.

ok so this is where,

i totally think, wait, what did i agree to? why am i here? wait, oh god, for a year? shit, really? god, that's long. it's the downside of being able to spend the morning staring at the ocean- which is at the moment terminally angry, aggressive and relentless. fun to watch until you start to fear it. you fear the wind beating at your windows all night, and the snow that is wisping everything white. who wants to go out there? i don't. please don't make me go out there. that's how i woke up. a sort of false dread and the weather antagonizing me, howling at me over the bleak churning ocean. public schools apparently were cancelled but we weren't. whatever. and this is where i get the contagion that 1/2 of everyone has and i get sick of the flux of the environment- of that dude leaving, of those other 2going just yesterday (to work in australia/to have a baby), and those 3 others with the cold. that leaves only 2 more and i never see them but for 20min in the breakroom and they're the korean teachers. and the constant, do you have a full schedule? as the sick teachers all eye me as an easy fix and i'm saying not yet! not yet! and sg gets impatient- lucky she's intuitive when i suddenly got that wounded look across my face when she suggested that a. the curriculum was straight fwd and easy... and im thinking i'm still martialing my forces up the hill. give me a fucking break. as according to her previously i would have plenty of time. 2 hours is plenty of time to design classes you've never taught before and do not have a giant bag of activities up your sleeve for, which will soon be alternating 5-8? at least, and we would take it easy until the dude leaves she said, but now with people coughing, aching and nauseous my newness is inconvinient and why dont i just get over it already because after all i am a natural born teacher, she is convinced, she knows. i secretly know to but i am slow, and i don't like rapid movement. perhaps i'm just a little seasick. that's probably it. she apologized for being direct? or something... when really it shouldve been maybe for setting up false expectations, and i said, there's just a lot of pressure and i want to do it right- she said, oh but those lesson plans if you sub the teachers are very clear-- when it all looks like cryptic goo to me- hhhSB pg38 lxwxrx2x4x5, flashcards, object,... seriously. oh right, phonics. oh,k. and vocabulary. right. ok. and let's not discuss the baitandswitch of 8-12 to now 6yr old kindie class that i have every-day. that one poor kid, he didn't even come back. now only after i don't know- 5 days i'm all TGIF. it's a little too soon. i'm not sure if it has to be such a frenetic environ or if i'm just so disturbed at the molecular level that i can only take so much agitating before bad reactions start ocurring? poss-iblee? oh well bedtime for me. tomorrow lessonplanning at home so im not all gah, leave me alone!at work, and hopefully snapping this coldBS right off my back. can't buhlieve it. cruel world. and then i'll be all oh, smiles, and goodjob! whoever youare, you poor confused little one. me too, little one. me too.

dear sunshine,

hello love. i survived the first day. the first class. phew. was fairly calm if not internally what the crap. as SG took pity on me and sent her student helper down to help me take on 11. ELEVEN. kids. some of the kids are pretty on it. others are just staring at you like, yah whatever... and everyone in btw. oh and that one kid who broke down crying inconsolibly- thank god for songin to comfort him or whatever. it was somewhere in the drawing portion that he just couldn't take it anymore. and he seemed at first to be one of the most attentive. i dont know what happened. alas. and SG kept saying how she had seriously considered letting me take her classes today. she wasn't joking. and i'm thinking after having stared at a grammer lesson on something or other i was thinking- riiiighhht. and i can't even say their names let alone remember any of them but min je? and su jin? anyway i'm home and cooking rice and beef bits for dinner tomorrow. i sort of hate having to make pre-leftovers. and i am suspicious of having caught something- the office is crawling in contagion. not that you can sympathize or anything i'm sure. but i keep doing that little oh, surface cough cough. sniff.

also seriously some freakish wind thing came pounding down on my apt last night and i was thinking what can i tie down? nothing but to latch the windows which felt ineffectual. i contemplate your eating muppets comment- and i promise to be better at food documenting soon and i'm horrible at flavor descriptions but i'll try- mmm. muppets. tasty morsel muppets.i had some interesting such thing yesterday. a vegetarian bibimbop... mostly bland but a really excellent soup with tofu? and maybe clam? a good clear spicey broth. . .maybe a type of miso soup, something something. anyway working on it. meanwhile i just burnt my rice bcs i didnt turn the flame down. lame. and the wind is surging through the flu?fluke?flue... of the stove and making noise.

do i stay up another hour or go to bed now... decisions decisions. i have two classes tomorrow. and SG wants to come help me learn how to communicate with the kiddos. ach. was going to do yoga but i think not.

m.

hello from sickland,

I’ll spare you the gory details, but K.Lo had strep Sunday/Monday, and N.Lo was up all.night.long. with a stomach bug last night. Worst nightmare. Luckily the universe allowed a nap for both of us this morning. I am however getting a little tired of the couch and aspire to sleep in myownbed tonight. Also, if you’re listening universe, and I know you do, even if you don’t always answer prayers like a genie-in-a-bottle (as you shouldn’t), it would be super rad if Management avoided same-sickness this week. Any form. Please.

Did you come up with an icebreaker activity for the littles? Favorite color game? Is who stole the cookie from the cookie jar too complicated? Probably. But maybe further down the road. Ring around the rosy? Hokey-pokey? Um, so how on earth do you explain things to them? Just wondering. I do love your k-in-k blog post, it rocks.

My hair continues to be stupid, although I wasn’t entirely displeased with a recent hair-falling-in-my-eyes moment. because that means it’s long enough to fall in my eyes.

I’ve caught up on Downton Abbey and now have to wait/watch each episode every week like a commoner.

I completely advocate the procurement of shows like ProRun in Korea by whatever means possible.

Some of the food you’ve eaten/logged sounds like Muppets. I hope you’re not eating Muppets.

I love that you brought your yellow umbrella. and sheer curtains for your room.

Am inexplicably craving Nutella/PB sandwiches. Although the iron content isn’t entirely shabby with this combo, so maybe that’s why. or maybe it’s because they’re awesome.

I saw an article about amazonian mushrooms that eat plastic! in an anaerobic environment! this excites me.

xoxox

pen

to m on the island,

Oh, culture shock. What fun to witness. I find the internet cord dangling from your building appalling and yet somehow appropriate. I’ll need a picture of that. I mean, I assume the fancy camera made the luggage cut. Because I’m also going to need a picture of that most excellent dish soap, and any other awesomely tag-lined product.

My dish soap, for the record, smells like pet cleaner, and I hate it. It’s secured its place on the Aldi is Wicked Awesome but Dutifully Avoid the Following Items for Purchase list. Also on the list: sandwich bread (lacking in flavor and texture somehow – probably a lack of preservatives and/or dough conditioners), jerky (J.Lo doesn’t like it), men’s deodorant (ditto), toothbrushes and boxed mashed potatoes. That last one I don’t normally ever buy, regardless of the store, but I accidentally picked it up instead of au gratin. It was not a serendipitous mistake.

Your ticking stove reminds me of the running toilet pipe in my Chicago Bldg room. Oh dear.

As to the inevitable wants-creeping-in, perhaps you could picture each whatever-it-is as the Buddha statue I wanted to buy in that weird store in Chicago last February. And you’re me, and then you talk yourself out of it? Because it’s all just *stuff* after all…

So at the moment I’m semi-agitated after finding myself at Walmart over the weekend when I didn’t want to go. But there were food needs, and wrench needs. And whatever-else needs. Stupid ones, I feel sure. I did manage to thief some of those card “picks” from the flower department, so I can use them on K.Lo’s cake. They totally fit the bill for my idea. Which is a surprise, so you’ll have to wait.

Walmart isn’t the best place to feel great about mankind, however.

Also, I started watching “Waiting for Superman” this morning, and that doesn’t make one feel great about mankind, either.

Although allegedly we all belong to each other…

And so you belong to the new littles, and they to you. I hope you adapt well. When do you officially begin?

Other notes: I’ve been on a winter organizing spree, and have thusly conquered my closet, my drawers, our bathroom cabinet, the linen closet, K’s closet – which is now a reading space that I covet. The drawer in the children’s bathroom that was like an explosion of ribbon and sparkly lip gloss. The wrapping paper/gift bag stores. The refrigerator, which I might have previously mentioned in an equally boring post. And this is all building up toward A Conclusion in the form of organizing the craft area downstairs. Which is so overwhelming I’ve taken over a year to ponder it. But when it’s done I’ll also be setting up a table for this alleged sewing machine purchase projected to occur in the birthday month.

If I keep talking about it, someday it will happen.

love to you on jeju

jeju

jeju 

-pen