Friday, November 26, 2010


The décor is lovely, my dear.

I have in fact heard about the new Netflix plans, which I knew was coming. And I’m also on the fence, although sometimes I do like having the rental option. Either way, it’s still a steal. We use the instant constantly.

Today is Christmas Movie Day. Which is becoming our regular tradition, the day after Thanksgiving. Certainly swallowing a fiery golf ball and spending an hour and a half at Medac, aka the 7th circle of Hell, on Thanksgiving morning is not our tradition. But that’s what I did anyway. I’m still a tad bitter about missing turkey and sides and pie. However, leftovers allegedly await and the golf ball fire has subsided some.

If I hadn’t been curled up in a air conditioning-avoidant ball at Medac, I might have been amused at some of the other patients and their families, who were extra snipey because of the wait. Like the lady who randomly griped at her husband for wearing old shoes and not being able to work his own phone. “Bob, you have to throw away those shoes. They’re awful. [Heavy sigh.]” Then she’d leave him alone for a bit and complain about the service. “I mean, you could be dead by now.” Indeed. However, considering that it was Thanksgiving Day, I’m assuming everyone was there for a legitimate reason and we were all lucky enough to have an establishment open, so… yeah.

I didn’t think I’d find anything acceptable to read after departing my Edward and Bella, especially not in the form of more teenage vamp fic, but the House of Night series did manage to suck me in. The first book anyway. And now I’m onto something different, which may or may not be just as addicting, we’ll see.

Going to finish watching Rudolph and try not to choke on my uvula.

peace out


I've got deadwood on and mom and dad are out somewhere as they often are. Maybe they'll find BFdeals on building supplies and materials? Did you notice now netflix has that just 'watchnow' subscription? I may take them up on that as I'm getting low on finding things to send for. Will that make me read anymore? I don't know. Currently my problem with that particular skill is all the non-fiction stopping up to choke me. But nevermind, that problem bores me more at this moment than watching deadwood through a mirror as a type.

Then again i just woke up bored i think so its a bad time to type in general but here I am. Never able to sleep in. In other news I calculated my cats are 15/17 which = the end of their lives. And in correlation to the three people i talked about eating thanksgiving dinner in the kitchen like servants while the other 5 of us ate in the formal dining room is enough to set my teeth on edge. Is that the phrase? You stack up small horrors, insults, pain, loneliness and loss and the general suffering of those around you with the blatant fact of mortality - and the whole world is sad and nettling to you. Let the poor 94 year old woman sleep. She's earned it. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Stop comparing her to the spry 97 year old. All of us are set upon a different clock with death... for the most part anyway.

Oh and to answer your question, Amber brought the wii over and was kind enough to leave it so I could unlock some worlds, cars and characters. Because we can't constantly perfect our art like we should without being a slave to it, so I should obviously spend as much time away from it as possible. Also I may leave the house for some clear nailpolish but all the world is suppose to be shopping today. Wiser minds might stay themselves at home. And I don't have money to buy a wii anyway.

But nevermind, I was sorry to hear about the criminal trespass of sickness upon your throat. Botching everything up for the holidays. I hope you are peacably recovering. I'm going to download some songs- some rap, some fuges...what else.


Sunday, November 21, 2010


We’re watching She-Ra. Have you noticed the NetflixInstant has some eclectic options as of late? I noticed the DVD set of She-Ra at Target the other day and was all, oh that’s cool. And even cooler that we get to watch it practically for free instead.

Although I wish NFI had more appealing TV show options for grownups. I could get lost in a series right now – House from the beginning? Vampire Diaries? Any of those. I’ve never seen them.

So wait – you own MK, but can’t play it? Or you play it on the computer? What the what? I need more information.

I have a canker sore on the inside of my lower lip that’s not altogether unpleasant. My new necklace has become a piece of my soul. I can’t remember the last time I washed my hair, which is weird, and even weirder that it still doesn’t appear to really need it. Must be the dryer, cooler weather. Or maybe I’ll wake up someday with dreadlocks. You never know.

J.Lo and I celebrated SIX over the weekend with candy and iron. For me, a wrought iron recipe book stand whose design is just sort of lovely to ponder, as well as some hand-painted, celestial-looking truffles from a chocolatier. They knock one’s socks off. For J.Lo – some movie candy for HP7 (which I really liked – oh Voldy, such an Immortality Queen), Iron Man 1&2, and a Tiger Iron cabochon. Which I picked for the name and the look and J.Lo’s geologist geek side. But apparently it’s loaded with healing and other cool properties. Who knew.

The house – still can’t talk about it, really. I mean, whatever. We live in Purgatory. That’s where we are.

I fear for when I refinish the Twilight series, as I know it’s going to feel like a hangover, a loss. And I’ll reject 50 books before finding something I like. Book Purgatory. I dread it.

But I landed on a big reason why I love and have always loved books so much. It’s not just the writing and the story. Obviously those appeal. But it’s also because books don’t judge you. You come to them as you are and don’t give it a second thought. They’re socially effortless. Or anti-socially effortless, as the case may be. Maybe they’re even avoidant. But I love them so.

adieu for now,


Saturday, November 20, 2010

hello friend.

i'm compulsively watching episodes of the office while finishing the advent necklaces. which are dunzo. now. officially. we can only hope they hold together. i'm going to keep watching. (and 2 more necklaces to go and done by beg. of january.) i played mario kart today also (actually bought the game even though i don't have a wii but whatever). made it work. didn't exercise today. the blisters on the sides of my heel are completely lame but i'll try to rally to morrow. i mean it was raining today which was miraculous and needed. so obviously you eat ice cream and wear flipflops while out. and play games . .. in my world its almost not any different from any other day. though,

i'm trying to behave contrary to inclinations of mood and weather. not really up to spending too much time in my head- though cathy sent me this note saying:

"Rode on another cable car today-
To the monestary of monserrat
It was super foggy and rainy
Like a cable car ride to no where
Or like cloud city in star wars.."

And that seemed a fit description for most things. Though the sound of monestary of monserrat is terribly romantic. And who wouldn't want to be heading to such a place even in the depths of inscrutibility.

maybe tomorrow i'll get to play fableIII, eat juicy burger and go for a power walk. who can say, who can say. i'm glad you're at candy and iron. though i am now also suspicious of the seneca guns.


Thursday, November 18, 2010


Hello my beautiful and lovely and amazing talented friend. Thank you for my necklace with pieces from the sky. It’s rather perfect for me in every way. It reminds me of planets and cats cradles and other magical things. I loves! I can’t even say how much.

Currently – so many things in my mind. I’m annoyed at nothing and everything and myself. I don’t know what to do with that really. Assume that someday I’ll feel all zen-inclined again? I guess it’s possible. I wonder if those spandexy underpants advertised now on TV, the kind that claim to tone your ass, are really a joke, or what. And I wonder at my recent addictions to queso with chips and also meatballs. And the Dominos pizza was perhaps not responsible for my headache from hell? Because after much distance from the pizza, I had another one this afternoon. And I’m not even dehydrated.

The so-called Seneca Guns have boomed occasionally and rattled the windows. I wouldn’t put the racket past any Native American ghosts – and good for them anyway. Shake up some homes. Do it. And my conspiracy theory side wants to think that someone knows what’s behind the phenomena and would never say because it’s something super-sinister and classified, but then again such noises have been reported regularly for at least the past 150 years.

I’m super-impatient with the children, and I’m sure it’s because I just don’t understand what they’re supposed to be like at any given age. That instinct was never mine. Anyway, there are sweet and lovely moments and regular moments and sometimes or maybe even a lot of the time I feel like we’re just muddling through.

I guess I don’t do well with life purgatories. In-betweeness. It’s for the birds, really, let’s be honest. I don’t even know when or where or how I’ll put up the Christmas tree. Which really bothers me, but I swat away the thought like a fly.

Anyway – this weekend we have a certain 6-year, candy and iron anniversary to celebrate and an early Thanksgiving potluck in a historical home. Shall all be lovely, I would guess.

love to you and your necklace-making wonderfulness,


oh my penelope.
where have we gone to. its been too long since my last letter. our narrative thread is taught- no, taut. hanging with a great wait-no weight, in suspense. waiting to be woven in one direction or the other. weaving necklaces together instead. i know that makes us quiet. the waiting. the finger tapping. the infinite number of escapes and distractions. just now i cleaned cat hair out of my keyboard- soft crinkly underfur. watching countless netflix, watching the grey cat come up and down the table. he's still limping. longing for those birds he can't catch. and night falls too early to rally. to be of any use. to anyone.

i'm staring at lists i don't care about. projects i don't quite recognize. but still. the laundry is going to get done today. the snapdragons planted. maybe i'll even go for a walk. a great upswing in momentum. who can say? maybe more resolve is meant for december. resolve for making money, for working out, for job searching and grand plans. seems a more likely thing for january but i want to get ahead of the curve.

meanwhile don't ever do that thing with the dominos pizza again. though if i still could eat wheat i wouldve joined you for a couple of the meals. but made one of them breakfast. and all this getting rid of, is a good thing. embrace trimming the fat and leave a little for flavor. i'll try to think of things to get rid of in your honor. i just now threw a pair of sweatpants away circa 1991...or some such. what else what else.
laundry's done... that means the snaps are next. adieu.

there's nothing else to leave notes on but off the top of my lists are:
photo to matt?
job search
kangaroo paw
roses (move yellow/red)
b/w dress
black skirt
resin resin resin
shell card/ralphs#!

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Um, long time no blog? Talk about being skint with words. Car troubles and additional drama subdued me into silence. Because drama, ew. I can’t even speak about it.

So last week I ordered a Domino’s pizza for dinner that we then ate for lunch, and dinner, and lunch and dinner. And I’ve never been so dehydrated in my life. Total pizza hangover, complete with dry lips and a headaches that weren’t kidding around.

Otherwise, we have all our fingers and toes crossed at the moment that a lease deal on a house works out. You’ve seen pictures. It’s all sort of lovely and I have a good feeling about it, although we all know where that sometimes gets us.

I’ve been uber-impatient throughout this entire process, in accordance with my nature, but I do realize what a tall order I’ve put in and appreciate the intricate lengths to which that order is being addressed.

Also, I’m somewhat in denial about the packing process – not avoiding it, but not acknowledging, for now, its latent repercussions. Because I’ve been packing slowly for over two months, and now that process is speeding up, and then it’s going to evolve into loading and transporting and unloading, and then ick. Unpacking. You know I don’t like having my life disheveled so much and for so long. But what’s there to do other than suck it up and embrace the process?

And I took on the baby-clothes-in-the-attic situation this weekend. Not coincidentally, I was also on suicide watch. The sheer number of boxes and the feeling of what-have-I-done, saving all of these things. I mean, I guess if we had stayed in this house as I had imagined and ended up putting one set or another (boy/girl) to use, it would have all seemed worth it. But to take it all with us? Agh. Burden. Ginormous. Can’t handle. So after all the donating that will occur over the next few days, we’ll be left with a mere five or so boxes that have an intended recipient, and that seems reasonable. I guess.

I can’t even talk about what’s left in the attic. I mean, it’s not horrible, comparatively. But there’s still plenty up there to be reckoned with. Including two boxes of papers. MFA and college papers, specifically. I mean – ? WTF. I know, I know – the legacy argument. But seriously m, what are we supposed to do, line our coffins in that stuff?

All right all right. I promise to blog more this upcoming week. And I expect annotations and footnotes from your world, at the very least.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010


I am skint with words right now. It may be my xbox game addiction or the fact that i'm little aware that days are passing from one to the next and its now november. i was in denial about actually going on a retreat. I forgot to tell people, didn't really figure out where i was getting the money from and yet here i am in the hills of santa barbara on a silent retreat with danica. Very strange. I cheated and brought my ipod but mostly just listened to meditative music, and brought along non-fic reading i've been meaning to get to on prayer. I have actually concluded I am a girl who likes projects and work so my dream of doing 'nothing' is more complicated than that, but also that i spend more time with God in contemplation than I would've thought, and that meditating is exhausting and trying to do it 3x a day only yields so much at a time. Me, an avid jogger- am no, marathon runner. So there was some spiritual greed involved thinking i could ring all the moments out of the day but i was scheduled and it went pretty good. Danica could talk at mealtimes which encompassed light debriefing and banter about the glory of our surroundings. We did find the gym open and unguarded and may or may not have done a little kickboxing,tabletennis and raquetball all in one night. We had a lot of pentup energy and after that is when i got the stick to the eye. But I recovered. There are more words but let these suffice for now otherwise these won't even make it up.
(oh ps. this is totally the $14 shirt i was talking about earlier down from $60!)

Thursday, November 4, 2010


You and somebody’s mom will be happy to know that I did rescue St. Joseph yesterday. Not unlike the Chilean miners, although there wasn’t nearly the same level of press coverage, and I didn’t need a team of world-class engineers to help operate the trowel. And Joe isn’t going to be running any marathons, either. Instead, he’s in his designated “place of honor,” which in our house translates to the highest shelf in the living room over the TV. If we had a fireplace, he’d be on the mantle, but we don’t, so that’s where he lives. And I think that he’ll do his job just as well, if not better, from there.

Currently, I’m fighting off somesuch. Seriously tired through and through, with vaguely achy muscles, occasional sneezes and that *thing* in my throat that says a cold is coming. I’d say I caught it from Sarah, but clearly she’s on the other side of the country, closer to you, so this isn’t possible. But I can’t think of anyone else who has a cold at the moment.

I’ve gone back and forth and back and forth and back and forth on this job thingy, and I can’t say I feel 100% comfortable with leaving it, but nor do I feel 100% comfortable with keeping it. The option still exists, for the moment. But I feel beyond pondering, for now. I’ve over-pondered today.

And I’ve also looked at too much online real estate today, too. At least there was one lone house on J.Lo’s hunt today that wasn’t a complete bust. But who knows what will happen with that.

My votes were also almost completely useless, but for different reasons. I never vote straight-ticket, and I love your republicanism, but I voted mostly dem this time. Our school board, especially, could have used that. It didn’t work out.

And, you know, no offense to potheads everywhere, but really? I mean, go ahead, legalize it. I really don’t care. But do they know there’s slaves out there? I’m just saying. It’s a lot of energy to expend over a flammable herb.

Well whatever. I’m done thinking. Grey’s, vampires, bed.

love you.

Dear Penelope,

hello love. i've got my ipod in and used it all the while i've been gardening the last couple days. which i finished with finally- all the trimming and sorting and tilling and mulching and replanting is done for at least the next couple months- though there are some piles of debris i'll have to clear and that one sunflower that is listing to the left and refuses to die. also i planted snapdragons. and i finished your necklace. and i heard from eDD that they're sending out my check tomorrow. and i'm going on a spiritual retreat for the weekend with as yet unclear intentions but joanna got an image for me and cathyu confirmed it for me. j saw a marble in a mesh bag bouncing, either happily or gathering force, and said it reminded her of a slingshot. i told cathyu about the marble and the mesh bag and she said, it sounds like a slingshot to me and that the ball is gathering force. i don't know how either of them ended up with that except to say it was jesus. i did not get slingshot out of marble and mesh bag. i am curious though about the outcome. also i agree with mom about the statue but i won't say any more about it. except to say i didn't even say anything. she blurted that out all on her own. i can't stop her sometimes.

in othernews i've calmed down about the necklace thing. both people backed out who i offered it too and i don't feel obligated to make any more for the holy days unless someone approaches me and says, hey there, here's the $, won't you make them for me. but i do promise to find smaller pieces to put on etsy. meanwhile i have 3 left. and then i'm done! done! done! for now. or whatever. that means. either way thats not until january.

oh also i voted too. not that it did any good ;) i mean sure we're all very glad potsmoking isn't legal or whatever that stupid prop was about but i mean really i cannot shake my head enough about the governor and senate races. i'm glad the rest of the country is backlashing appropriately however. i did have to see 2 fb comments against republicans which i'll try not to hold against. at one point i replied "awwww. we're not that bad" to which one of daisys friends replied "yes, you are." if it wasn't such a punchline i'd be hurt. i replied back "*sniff". because you know, republicans have "hearts" too. and misty said she felt like she woke up to it being 2004. and i said, awwww. its not that bad.

in other other news i gave bodo a bath in the bathtub which i normally don't do ever but to see the dirt running off that dog! am-azing. and mom keeps sending me updates about grandpas surgery which actually didn't happen this AM and may happen soon? or happened and or is happening currently? i don't know. i confess to being only mildly interested as one watches gathering dark clouds in the distance.

though i am unusually snackish hence buttery popcorn and carrots and chocolate and tea with 6 dashes of sugar. and plums... which seriously i think i had a reaction to- i'm so going to a healer for this allergy shenanigans. fruit allergies are unacceptable. and though i do need to get personal health insurance, the idea of God straight up healing me is way better.

meanwhile i'm going to get a frappachino because its like 90 out and then i'm going to play video games for an hour or so and then i'm going for a walk with wendy. and i agree with you about cutting ties because bad timing is bad timing. but then going on hiatus for any number of things isn't so bad either. its like my necklace thing. hiatus. that's ok.

anyway i'm going to go now. my neck itches. i'm telling you- it was the plum. and then later i have to pack for the weekend and load songs on my ipod for all the meditating i'm going to do... that or crying about being alone-- designing a soundtrack for either could prove interesting- did i mention the couples retreat happening the same time i'm going to be at this st.marys something or other? well anyway something to blog about later- that and my outfits... and seattle, yah yah, if i ever.

xo, m.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


It’s brr-chilly at the moment – and yet I refuse to close the windows completely. I mean, just last week, the a/c was on for a good 5 days at least. So why not just bundle up in socks and sweaters and blankets and enjoy the cool.

I found myself at the voting booth this morning – I confess I didn’t actually intend to go. Since we’re not even going to be living in this state for the year to come? But then I felt all guilty and wrong about not going, and there wasn’t even a wait. So I suppose I did the right thing. And I totally looked up all the candidates yesterday to prepare.

Currently I’m aggravated by more job changes – like I understand it’s a process and I appreciate making adjustments along the way to reach the best possible form, but it’s a lot to absorb and at the moment I basically feel like giving up. Because I’m not really sure the latest version is very me, or someone I even want to be.

And more likely it’s just bad timing. Because um, life’s sort of stressful right now. We’re looking at vacant properties in the New Place, hoping to find an owner that will rent to us with the option to buy. Probably that’s a ridiculous notion, but we have to try?

Well anyway – more positive things exist. Like banana bread and thanksgiving décor and the still-growing pumpkin patches in the yard. And you know, life. It’s not that bad.

love to you,


Monday, November 1, 2010


your necklace was at one point close to being completed but has been cut up and dismantled by me. i'm not sure if i was being destructive or if i assembled something without really thinking it through. it was in a 'work or else' sort of mood bound with superglue and it wasn't quite right, but beautiful, but not right- and after having struggled for some conclusion the last hour just gave up the idea of it being synchronous and put the knife to it. poor tattered bits.

also and perhaps coupled with the traumatic death of dear zep seared into my memory not unlike the death of that starling in the cage or the stray cat listless over the bowl alongwhileback i am in no mood to be disagreed with by my art or by people using the word business in the same sentence as art. i get physically ill at the thought. and bottom line i am an Artist and the word commodity makes me nervous, perfect and flawless make me even more nervous. you might as well say make something that will not break, fail or disappoint. make something more than indifferent. make it saleable... i won't attempt it even when money is at stake. i don't know if i'd save my life and make such a choice. and even after 2 squares of chocolate and a popsicle i would not say my mood is conciliatory. also i'm waiting for my edd check, hoping there's nothing wrong with it. bcs that really means my low level apprehension will turn to full blast apprehension. then i can start panicking about money, charging things, debt, gas, my faithlessness, my oily skin. also i forgot to vote in the 2 hour window i had and i need to finish shoveling dirt in the yard and plant the new snapdragons. and confess to you i really don't like tomatos. the world is better without them when they're not homegrown and thats just the end of it.

also, i would talk about seattle and i want to load pictures and tell you about things like icecaves and my cautious self, and wheatless in seattle and having delicious things like blueberry lavendar muffins, but its like my mind has gone dormant to reminisce. and there are these bumps on my arm from who knows what and there's a crick in my shoulder still and my butt hurts from sitting all day. even before that i couldn't really see straight... though i did get a dress down from $109 to $13 and a top down from $60 to $14. thats a real success hanging up on the closet door. so nevermind about not having a family and being lonely when i have that, and friends to play xbox with. and yet still.

something vacant and lonely in the air. quite like fall. not quite like the darkdays of february but still, besides zep, there is something missing. just a little off center and wobbly. down to getting no texts, halted phone conversations, answering machines. the limping cat with the hurt front paw who comes to the backyard table now as a break from catching birds. and as the tide comes crashing in with a thunderous thump and dash, knocking you down a bit and its too salty and there's too much sand and there's a riptide you see, sucking at your ankles, as your quads quiver and shake you to shore. and you think, fucking ocean. you vast indifferent monster, and there's just you hauling your own ass up the bank to keep from drowning. just makes me a tad resentful. and there's the boat again at dock waiting to take you back out again into the storm because that's where i belong right now.

but nevermind. i'm about to splay out on the sand and stare at the stars and breathe that deep cool air and wait for the dawn, and for the people to come and tell me the ship is about to sail and make sure i have provisions. and the water will lap at my feet and it'll feel warm when i'm prone and trying to find the big dipper- and dreaming about wheat free chili and gluten free sourdough. and i'll make a note to request that from the galley and try to forget about being seasick. try to dream about that crisp quench of clubsoda and the butterfly at my nose.