Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Kim Shable is My Hero

For emailing just to let me know that Arrested Development Season 2 is on sale this week at Target for $14.99!!!

I have no money, but dear lord. Sacrifices must be made.

Save our Bluth's!

Ah, This Movie.

i did almost everything on the list but i did not yoga. i consider myself a failure. but as i did watch labyrinth it did make me smile and pluck myself ever so slightly from the pit of despair through which i find myself tumbling on a daily basis. ah, good times. if only i was a goblin, thralling around under the thumb of the goblin king. although to be this little guy here- he was my favorite as a kid.
also curiously i noticed a couple HarryPotter similarities- at the very beginning and end there is a white owl- almost identical to the one used in the movies and the main character calls her goblin friend "Hogwart" on accident numerous times. I'm just saying.

so today holds an entirely new set of promises but they look startlingly like the previous list- just exchange a few points with going to the bank and procrastinating about treadmilling, then treadmilling...

Monday, February 27, 2006


Two friends, both pregnant with due dates two weeks apart, living in two different cities. They email each other about their experiences, save all the emails, and weeeeee, they get a book deal. They publish a bestseller. They turn to podcasting, each working from the comfort of their home, and oh me--they're picked up by Sirius! It was all so easy--can you believe it? Who would have thought? Tee hee! They have 200,000 listeners every day. And now, probably a lot more, since they were on the Today show this morning interviewing with Ann Curry. They have dimples, happy-skippy demeanors, and bright blond hair. Ah, life! La-dee-freakin-DA.

I hate these people.

tOdo : mOnday

Random: I almost missed bleak house last night! the horror. i've also been food poisoned and my back is revolting against me spasm by spasm.

1. read passages of JOB (chapters 11-22) for comfort and perspective.
2. stare repeatedly out the window, monitering progress of weather.
3. procrastinate about doing yoga
4. finally do yoga (time non-specified)
5. try to eat "something"
6. read the Divine Conspiracy (become increasingly hopeful)
7. mail last EDD form to receive last EDD check
8. circle calendar: when to call temp agency, when to flee debtors, when to apply anywhere, when to take my Masters Degree off my resume.
9. activate my new CITI debit miles card
10. embrace the futility of said action
11. pancake day? yes. (tomorrow- free shortstacks at IHOP)
12. pluck chin-hair (refuse to be productive in any other way)
13. watch a dvd, possibly Labyrinth

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Make Me

Good Morning. It's true not a day goes by where i don't think, yes, i should blog about my joblessness- again! but I won't do it. I'm pathetic. I hate myself- it's a tyranny of self-loathing and inadequecy. Instead, however, let me turn to my hatred of neighbors and their respective colonies- as if these were college frat houses and we lived near all the dorms. To the left of us there are about 8 cars- 3/4 of which are in the driveway. I like these neighbors despite their mariachi live band-playing-asses but the car situation kills us, that and their yappy dogs, one of which is named princess and which i hope will soon be eaten by a wild python. The neighbors to our right have recently had a spike in cars and we suspect some people have moved in. They average about 5-6 cars. I hate these neighbors especially, not only bcs their decaying roof flies into our garden on a windy day but most likely bcs of childhood trauma, and most recently it's bcs they keep their boxer chained up outside in the front yard. Which makes my dog want to escape, which he does, and they hose him down but he loves water and i try to tell them that and then they threaten to kill my dog and in my mind i set their house on fire like i was an 80's child star. But I digress.

Last night once again there was no parking in front of my house, which usually means there's not parking for a block in either direction. And at such times I always resort to the drastic measures of double parking- however this time it was particularly challenging. I made my passangers get out bcs i was determined to fit my wee car into the usually vacant driveway space. My theory about living in sub-urban areas and in my case the ghetto, I feel adamant that there should be car space for everyone- but apparently as my neighbors think their houses are apartment complexes, density issues ensue- and force me to employ desperate parking measures. But I persevered. I forgot though that it was the weekend and that the offending sebring, which caused the extreme parking, was not going to be gone early in the AM as usual. And that most likely I will have to force myself to move the car back out from which it came. I did it in 5 turns. Impressive, yes? And made my merry way to Mc'ds for breakfast, bcs should i deny myself breakfast? That and my parents were leaving at 10 so either way it seemed that the manuever was inevitable. note the stylish leather shoes combined with sweats from circa 1994. I'm sorry I didn't get a picture of the pocket rip on the right side. so there you have it, just a morning in the mind of mendacious... Tomorrow perhaps I will tell you all about the demolition of the sidewalk or my particular inclinations toward sausage mcmuffins and diet coke in the morning... and my dogs feverent desire for car rides, of which, on this particular day, they were denied.

Friday, February 24, 2006

I love my Bravo TV

Hold me closer, Tiny Andrae.

Normally I sort of despise any type of recap episode of a show, because all they do is promise you "never before soon footage!" blah blah blah. And they do end up slipping in some never-before-seen footage, but it's like 30 really boring seconds that no one cares about, and the rest is the same old crap you just saw over the weekend when you marathoned your way through all the reruns. Or, if all the cast members are reuniting, they usually advertise a montage of horrified faces, supposedly foreshadowing some sort of shocking conversation or revelation that will occur in the course of the episode, and then it ends up being nothing more than a person on the verge of sneezing. All in all, recap eps are nothing new, just a way to fill time until they air the season finale. I have to say, though, Project Runway's Season 2 reunion episode--very entertaining. And so I must honor it with a list.

Why the PRS2 Reunion Show Was COMPLETELY Worth Watching:

1. The reshowing of Andrae's embarassing emotional breakdown on the runway, which frankly is plain uncomfortable to watch once, much less twice. However, this time, the footage included an elapsed time clock that showed the breakdown to have lasted nearly 10 minutes. Genius! Also, can't help laughing along with Satan's Pal Santino on that one.

2. Discussion of Zulema's bitchy alter ego, whose name is... I don't even know how to spell it. Shiitake? Wha-? Had they shown this before and I missed it?

3. That Lupe/Guadalupe chick answering a viewer's write-in question with a batty, babbly, circle-talking-type answer that visibly confused everyone on the set--twice. She messed up once, and then even after Tim Gunn clearly explained that the question required a simple yes or no and hinted toward her probable inebriation, stumbled again. Badly. And then proceeded to look completely unfazed that she just made a complete jackass out of herself on national TV. Sweet.

4. Project Runway: The Musical. These clips were a random salute to the apparent singing that went on during filming, while the designers sewed up their projects at the Parson's School. ...Oh, Daniel Franco. Where did you go.

5. Zulema pissing off that model, Rachael, who is like, what, 19? Yet I appreciated her eyeroll. For Zulema...besides being crazy, cannot, in my opinion, sew real well.

6. Lead-in advertisements for Project Jay, which I almost forgot to watch and which almost deserves its own list salute. This list would undoubtedly include Jay's aside on Wendy Pepper, "I just watched her last night on Bravo Battle of the Network Reality Stars, and she fell."

And, last but certainly not least...

7. The Santino Rice Imitates Tim Gunn montage. It will just never, ever get old.

Overall, excellent job, editors. Applause, applause, applause!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

An Aside before

Did i tell you the glory of being a working artist for 2 whole days. It was awesome i assure you. Then it was back to jobless contemplation- Otherwise i'm working on photoalbums and well- my back spasmed. apparently the weight of history was too much for me.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

As Promised.

Ah, Nature. Yes it is the one thing that might keep me from one day flying off a cliff or a deep dark abyss. Our hummingbirds are nesting. Tres Exciting.
now how awesome is that camoflauge? job. we were already to start trimming the giant hedge when we found the nest. work was called off, there were delays and budget squabbles but one family member threatened to tie itself to the bush if work was not postponed. maybe if we're very brave we'll get a pic of the babies- post hatching. i'd feel bad blinding them with the flash. but eh, why not. but there is that whole- what if then mom abandons the babies. then we'd really feel bad. so better not.
so besides that whole 'spring is coming life thing', here are some early spring bloomers JAPANESE MAGNOLIAS that won't make it once it starts getting really warm. you have to wait for these blooms once a year- they're fragrant and naturally fantastic. we haven't planted the tree in the ground yet, which may be too commital- but eventually we'll just have to keep getting bigger and bigger pots and that might be problematic. it's also possible that by the time that's necessary I'll have some place to plant it. . . not quite sure.

Wellllllll, la-dee-FREAKIN-da.

We got ourselves a writer here!

Scott reminded me about this skit over the weekend. Always been a big fan of the Motivational Speaker, but I didn't realize just how much this particular skit speaks to the post-MFA experience. Well, mine, anyway. Also, it just really, really makes me laugh.

Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker

Monday, February 20, 2006

Needed: Valium, Nap

Today...was a long day. I'm still trying to find my no-longer-pregnant-but-now-have-a-baby groove, and possibly my marbles as well. How is it that when you first start doing something completely new, you sometimes do way better at the very beginning, when you know nothing, than a few weeks later. At that point, you should have more experience, and things should be easier. Theoretically. You should be more relaxed, less spazzy. Maybe it's just me, thinking too hard. Just last week it wouldn't have occurred to me to second-guess putting the baby down for a mo in order to change clothes, even if the baby was screaming her little head off. Now, all of a sudden today, I'm like...sure, I'll just walk around the house in underwear until she settles down, because it is simply not possible to put on a shirt and pants while holding a baby. (Incidentally, my skill set last week in fact seemed to include putting on a shirt and pants while holding a baby, and now I've suddenly lost that.) Apparently, I am now the Queen of Logic.

Today's adventures included:
*Daydreaming about a near-snowday, with rain falling and the morning temperature hovering at 34 degrees. Hasn't it been over three years since the last snow here?
*Attempting to plan out an orderly, somewhat productive yet restful day in my head while watching the Today show.
*Watching Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy after the Today show; realizing neither of these would be conducive to the intended orderliness and productivity, but possibly the restfulness.
*Enjoying the entertainment value contained in the name Dr. McDreamy and now, Dr. McSteamy.
*Once again playing battle of wits with the newly purchased breast pump and again, losing. I'm simultaneously mystified and psyched out. Also, feeling tragic at the idea of being unable to ever throw back a few shots of tequila and discard the affected materials.
*Taking a horrible but necessary trip to Target in which all fellow shoppers appeared to be undercover employees for Child Protective Services, all shooting me the evil eye as my newborn screamed bloody murder from the chocolate aisle in the far back corner of the store, all the way up front to the bathrooms. Must have been the lit matches I was holding under her toes, she hates that.
*Cursing the Target gods after ducking into the restroom with the little one and returning minutes later to find my cart gone. It only had a few items in it, but I really wanted those giant M&Ms, and was too tweaked at that point to go and get them again.
*Cursing the messy purse gods when I lost a light bulb in there. Granted, not the most brilliant of moves, toting a light bulb around, but this is a weird light bulb, and I needed to bring it to the store to match it, and it was wrapped in bubble wrap--until we were just about to leave the store, and then the light bulb magically disappeared. I could easily imagine myself, months from now, still cutting my hand each time I reached into the purse, possibly getting tiny shards lodged in my skin. That would be fucking hot.
*Leaving the darling to sleep in her car seat (in the house, not the car, for pete's sake), for a good 2 hours after the Target ordeal, because it was the only time all day that she seemed peaceful.
*Starting a new practice crochet.
*Like an idiot, Not Napping when I very well could and should.
*Continuing to watch the Survivor: All-Stars marathon which we are DVR'ing on OLN.
*Pondering my belly button, which is once again an innie, but is now like, all stretched out and...not pleasing. Whatever.
*Realizing that I am now, literally, naval-gazing. Sigh.

Friday, February 17, 2006

good something something


Things to do when you're jobless and feeling down about it: Chew large quantaties of gum- play with said gum: practice the finger twirl, the spin and wrap around and for kicks, let's see how big that bubble can get. Also, sink into couch: left leg slung over the side, propped up by pillows- have everything you need within reach. Get up every so often and wander around outside- pretend you are a botanist on a research assignment. Pretend you're an archealogist and start chipping away at the cement sidewalk next to the garage, despair when you find out it's 3 inches thick. Give up in abject disappointment, think: no one will notice the hole. Having sapped your precious strength rest on nearest patch of grass: gaze at sky, clouds- envy the wind. Go back inside: you're finished with your basetan hours today. Watch Tv. Snack on something. Stare listlessly out the window. Surf the net. Wander back outside: be mesmorized with shiny things, take deep breaths. Envy the wind again. Be glad the sun is sinking. Go back inside.

But then, see?

Undeniably so sweet... Definitely I'm in love.


"Darn kids these days!"

I live with a tiny, angry old man. No, the neighbor didn't move in; this guy's much shorter. About a foot and a half tall. And what he wants is to eat, constantly.

Yes, I know this too shall pass. I know that while I've only been getting small blocks of sleep, I'm still getting some level of sleep, and my baby's not colicky, so I should be grateful (and I am). But, the post-partum hormones are truly raging, and the cow role is quickly getting very old.

The horrid part is the intense guilt attached to these feelings. No one asks, to cite Luke Dane's thoughts on having children, to be the next sucker dropped into this mess. And this baby didn't do anything wrong. She's truly The Innocent. And I look at her when she's screaming bloody murder just minutes after the last (FULL) feeding, and I'm simultaneously loving her to death and wanting to lob her into anyone else's arms and say, for the love that all that is holy, YOU take care of it. Please.

So, yeah.
Mommy's getting a breast pump, pronto.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Is it?

Is it narcassistic to want commentators? I know it's a burden but still. I am, I am being horribly selfish... wait, tyra banks is afraid of dolphins? Discuss.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


To assuage you, as I have to leave momentarily, here are 10 songs I downloaded last night in this order. I was thinking of making a me soundtrack and I will have to think on it- it's a good idea.

Gold Digger: Kanye West
Time After Time: Cyndi Lauper
Under the Bridge: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Suite No. 1 in G major, BWV 1007 - Prelude: Bach
Little Fuge in G minor: Bach
Carmen - L'amour est un oiseau rebelle: Maria Callas (Bizet)
La forza del destino - Pace, pace mo Dio!: Maria Callas (verdi?)
Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang: John Lee Hooker
Dance, Dance: Fall Out Boy
Dry Your Eyes: The Streets

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

LinDP (part 2)

Dear So and So,
Another spectacullllar day here in the facility. Today I got put to work in the yard-my hand is already blistering up, poor delicate hand- airating the lawn and i came across 2 jumbo earthworms which i protected from the birds hovering near by, by throwing them grubs and waving my arms. Spring is certainly coming. I've been put to work preparing a walkway from the garage to the main dorm and already there is red tape about what shape the walkway should be. I''m voting for a straight line- possibly circular concrete steps would be nice, but they'd still have to be in a straight line- but that's a bit off. In a moment I have to finish with the pitchfork, find the sledge hammer and get to work breaking up the old existing pathway which leads to the grapefruit tree and nothing else. I'm concerned however with such vigorous work what lunch will be and if my art dealer will be able to find me if they call, while i'm out in the field.

Look we're Sorry

We don't mean to depress everyone with feeling like cows and whining about our debt. I'm sure one of these months we'll have more to say- which we hope will elicit more sarcasm or pouring out of sympathy. We had no idea our, okay, well, i had an inkling but that doesn't mean i can stop myself. Soon to blog about: japanese magnolias, the hummingbird nests again!: with pictures!, art contacts of my world unite, and possibly if you're lucky, a brief discertation on NTWRIGHTS the last word... okay well at the very least a discussion about the prologue- that or how much i love princess bride.

Monday, February 13, 2006


Samuel Johnson wrote in 1758, "It is vain to continue an institution which experience shows to be ineffectual. We have now imprisoned one generation of debtors after another, but we do not find that their numbers lessen. We have now learned, that rashness and imprudence will not be deterred from taking credit; let us try whether fraud and avarice may be more easily restrained from giving it."

Blue Cow

I haven't actually been too tired or too busy or too Post-Pregnant Whatever to blog, I've just been...mulling. It actually feels no different from the other longish blog-free periods I've been through. Kind of blue. Kind of purgatory-ish. Kind of like...what to say, what to say.

The Penelo-Baby is thankfully a sweet one. Frankly, I'm not quite sure how we got so lucky. I think she might be a little hell-raiser someday to make up for all this, or else she just hasn't fully awoken yet to show Truer Colors. So far, though, she just seems so calm. A giant black dog can lick her face and she doesn't bat an eye. Ah, Kaleigh. Sweet baby.

Though I know it won't last forever, and I know it could be (much, much) worse, this 3-hour shift thing is starting to grate on me, the tiniest bit. Like, I so want to just lay down and sleep for like, 6 hours at a stretch. I remember when I first got the Bender-puppy, having a little breakdown in the kitchen 2 weeks in, because I could no longer take the 4-hour sleep shifts. I wonder when that's coming.

For the most part I'm in a fairly good mood. I don't know, though, maybe it's Cabin Fever? I can't drive for 2 weeks on doctor's orders, and it's not that I haven't been out of the house either. We went to Target and wandered the aisles this Saturday. I bought macaroni and cheese.

There's the lingering money issue, but that always seems to sort itself out, so I'm not too terribly worried at present.

I feel a little like a cow sometimes, so there's that. You know, the whole feeding thing. Like that could be my only function. Even though I know there's much more to it than that.

Or maybe it's the month of February. It does tend to bring on the Blah's in a lot of people I know. Or, the fact that Arrested Development may really be cancelled. I'm so in denial about this.

Hmmm, yeah. I don't know. Better blogging soon, promise.

Blue Penelo-Cow

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Life in Debtors Prison (Part I)

Dear so and so, I am so glad to hear from you today. I tend to get quite isolated here- The weather as you commented in your last letter is unseasonally warm. While my fashion sense suffers due to lack of funds I find keeping cool quite easy under the commons tree and the 2 tank-tops and short shorts circa 1999. After two months of waiting we finally received the almonds and trailmix from MOME (Mother or Misspent Existence). They've been crucial with help in establishing my compartively lush situation, and are why I can talk at lengths as I do with their donated pens, paper and electronic devices.

Still work at the facility is scarce and I find myself competing with an endless supply of people who are either freakishly intelligent or well connected. This contributes to my malaise, ennui and the like. This is an island like no other. I have friends to buoy me up but I am often in my room alone staring out the window; if I went outside it would seem less like a prison and yet i know what holds me, and this alone stilts what creativity is left in me. Time is running short and like most, wait for a break through, while eating a plentiful supply of scones, vita-drinks and avacados.

Meanwhile like all my other mates here, that frequent the commons, I'm working on my base tan now, doing yoga and working in the treadmill and bike (cross-training is totally essential)- Although it's only February you want to start toning, and tanning now so as to maximize your summer schedule and not fill it with fake tanning booths, cleanses and crash diets.

Well it's almost time for my turn at the Tele Vision and if I had more funds I'd have light to read by, but as it is it's become quite dark and I must conserve what little i have left. But do not despair for me- you find me well and really the trappings are quite nice if not a little confining. And as you know I'm here by my own accord- that is the most unsettling thing of all, but more later.

Adieu, Adieu.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

I want to drown my head in a bucket

Doing taxes at this point in time is not condusive to living. Especially if I have to pay $563.13 of which I have not one penny.

Lately with My Spare Time

In It

Well it was free archery this morning. we cut it a couple rounds short just purely due to impatience. And of course, the devastating news- after 50 years of Free Archery- this too is coming to an end, bcs some jackass burned their clubhouse down and they want to build a new one and some jackass in the city of pasadena says they need to pay $135,000 in fees. So $5 a visit. Tragic. Not so much you say? But it signals something- this free community wunderkind of togetherness and sport is abruptly halting. And it justs adds to my already disgruntled disposition. At least Troop Beverly Hills is on and will in some measure lull me into a false sense of ease and endless possibility.

Thursday, February 9, 2006

from "Other People Exist"... who knew!

February 9, 2006

Today, the winners of the 2005 Blog Excellence Awards were announced, and we at OPE were shocked to discover that we are among the winners! We didn't even know we were nominated or that the government was permitting awards for blogs again.

We frequently nominate ourselves for weblog awards of all kinds, but we usually hear nothing or we receive a warning about multiple votes from the same IP address. Now today we discover that not only have we won a BEA, but some of our longtime blogfriends are also BEA award-winners. Make sure to read the complete list of BEA award winners, because you may be one!

We'll see all the winners at the ceremony in Fort Lee, New Jersey in March.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006


1) Bills paid for Feburary
2) 3 GB of songs transferred to new computer
3) Search for favorites file: Suspended indefinitely.
4) Chiropractic Visit Accomplished
5) Trip to bank accomplished
6) Gilmore Girls watched
7) Watering done.

1) Put away winter clothes
2) Put away art supplies
3) "Clean"
4) "Straighten"
5) Make small table for CPU tower
6) Name tower: Welcome to Darth Tower
7) Meander
8) Contemplate
9) Snack on berries
10) Vacuum up the bunnies.

Monday, February 6, 2006

Shakespeare's Sister

After having read "A Room of One's Own" where the phrase origniates from and not from that moody female group of the early 90's, I've come to see Shakespeare's sister dying quite young with futile hopes and talents. It does sort of champion women's empowerment but true to Virgina Woolf there's always a twinge of impossibility and melancholy- so even her most encouraging words are bittersweet. It does help to explain what happens at the end of Orlando though.

Here are a few quotes: "So long as you write what you wish to write, that is all that matters; and whether it matters for ages or only for hours, nobody can say. But to sacrifice a hair of the head of your vision, a shade of its colour, in deference to some Headmaster w/ a silverpot in his hand or to some professor with a measuring rod up his sleeve, is the most abject treachery, and the sacrifice of wealth and chastity which used to be said to be the greatest of human disasters, a mear flea-bite in comparison." (Having seen some of the stuff written at SAIC i particularly wished the schoolmaster had a bit more to say sometimes, but i digress.)

"Even allowing a generous margin for symbolism, that 500 a year stands for the power to contemplate..."

And of course here is where she quotes Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch: "It may seem a brutal thing to say, and it is a sad thing to say: but as a matter of hard fact, the theory that poetical genuis bloweth where it listeth, and equally in poor and rich, holds little truth. As a matter of hard fact, nine out of those twelve [Coleridge, Wordsworth, Byron, Morris, Rossetti, Swinburne, Shelley, Landor, Keats, Tennyson, Browning, Arnold...] were university men: which means that somehow or other they procured the means to get the best education England can give." (Further...) "A poor child in England has little more hope than had the son of an Athenian slave to be emancipated into that intellectual freedom of which great writings are born."... Then VW says, "That is it- Intellectual freedom depends upon material things. Poetry depends on intellectual freedom."

She leaves me with this last note: "But I maintain that she (Shakespeare's Sister) would come if we worked for her, and that so to work, even in poverty and obscurity, is worthwhile."

So as a generation, even if i were to labour forever in obscurity it would be worthwhile for the women who will come after and build their future on our bones, bcs perhaps Shakespeare's sister is just waiting to be born. Nice. You have to love Virgina Woolf. I do. Probably for "To the Lighthouse" more than anything else, certainly not her weighting down her pockets with stones and getting sucked down river in the Thames. Certainly not that.

Sunday, February 5, 2006

Hi, World

Born at 5:01 AM, Friday, Feb 3, the Penelo-baby (Kaleigh) has arrived.


Did you ever get the feeling that everything and everyone else is moving but you and that somehow time has stopped or maybe it's you that's moving very quickly and everyone else very slowly- but perhaps then you'd be accelerating too fast and you missed everything and everyone in your own life. but no, i think it's i who is moving too slowly and everyone else whose lives are moving very quickly. and i feel that i'm on the perpetual tarmac of waiting. and waiting. and waiting somemore. catching various announcements on the PA. spending a lot of my time in the bar, tempted to take up smoking or a drinking problem. but really reading, then not reading, talking endlessly about nothing and really not proceeding anywhere of note.

Friday, February 3, 2006

I am almost Here.

Although I suspect I am elsewhere most of the time. But what to blog about really? Except for the one topic that i'm continually surrounded by> marriage and babies. I would never in my short life imagine that the divide btw single and married people really existed. But apparently it does and it's driving me crazy. Mainly bcs of a certain few people in Cali- and nothing whatever to do with Pen. But they've lost touch completely with singleness and pile their marriage baggage a mile high- both simultaneously swearing the singles off marriage and plotting to hook us up with the next poor soul on a deserted island we see. Insulting. yes. It's like, make up your minds. You know what, it's pissing me off too much. I can't talk about it. All i have to say is that entirely too many people are getting married and breeding-- and appreciate the fact people- that what you've got is what a lot of people want. like life and good health. so appreicate it for the god-given longing, reward and hard work and toil- that it was meant to be. dammit.

in other news today i must: 1 whites only load, 4 11x14 acrylic pieces, 1 book to finish, 3 mental crisis' to avert regarding: a job, my future, a husband.

Thursday, February 2, 2006

I'm here

I'm just done. No baby yet, but soon maybe. We'll see. Until then, I'm lying low. But I'll keep y'all posted when something actually happens, promise. (And I'm really fine, I'm just, you know. Done.)



So where's the Penelo-Baby? I left a message 2 hours ago and still no response. Do I call again. Possibloy.

Anyway a little bit about Joshua Tree and then back to the hum-drum of my jobless existence and my harsh and disapproving grandmother.

Joshua Tree was great, albiet a bit exasperating. The tiresome part comes with a whole bunch of guys, most my dads age and their gear talk. Talk about tripods, film, 8x10s, film, exposure times, lighting, the perfect shot, scouting locations... and then there's me glancing at my watch and thinking that the daylights burning- so we've got to go. And my eyes going wide when someone asks me about what kind of film or lenses. i feel stupid fairly fast. I will never be a technical photographer. They will never have the glorious prestine-ness of ansel adams or per volquartz (do ck out his phenomenal photos- the link is at the bottom right). Although there is always something to be learned from such things. Bcs they know how to make things work- and I do not. I did not know why my pinhole wasn't working, i barely knew how to load a polaroid holder. i didn't know the exposure times nor could i remember if less time meant a darker photograph or a lighter one- or more time meant it was overexposed. i do know about composition however and what makes a good photograph. that's my only saving grace.

my overwhelming question about landscape photography was: why. what makes it interesting and more than just beautiful or is the aesthetic of such gloriousness enough- and with an exceptional few it is- when something is just breathtaking. my own photos when i do this again will have to involve a complication. i'm decidedly too impatient to engineer a glorious photo- i'd much rather happen upon the circumstance than calculate it. but such mastery is a dying art.

i meditate over such things while staring at the stars: hypnotized. i meditate over such things while staring at the campfire: hypnotized.

the good weather brought out quite a few campers and a few dumb-ass kids. my favorite is from a girl who was old enough to know better call an infrequent sighting of a golden eagle a "pidgeon" and then for her younger brother to try and climb up and get it, (it was actually perched quite close) he, making lots of noise while doing so. my only amusement was that the eagle seemed unphased. my secret hope, that it would peck the kids eyes out or attack them in some larson-esque and comical way. and i would be there to testify to the childrens stupidty, their lack of parental supervision, and their startling lack of 1) awe 2) respect for nature. 3) being little fuckers.

sitting out in the semi-wilderness is never enough. one becomes restless and wants to explore during the day. so my mom and me embarked on a half-assed attempt to discover "something"- petroglyphs probably. although since we'd seen the petroglyphs in arizona and new mexico i somehow doubt i'd be much more amused. but it was something to do. except we were in fact losing daylight and the road was dirt and sand and bumpy. we weathered it fairly well, having enough of this absurd triangular path thru the desert and declared it over- having not gotten out of the car once.

earlier in the day after a hike (which was really fun) and another aborted attempt to "explore" a dam and some rusted cars- we were on another much less perilous dirt road and we saw 1) a male model on a shoot 2) a coyote trott by us on his journey who knows where. and as i pulled off the road to take some pictures of dead yucca trees, bcs it seemed to me something to do- this is where something truly curious happened. I was on picture #31 on my 35mm camera. i asked my mom if there was any more film and i started to make my way back to the car. I snapped picture #32. I paused. I said, well that's it. And i opened up the back of the camera, gasping as i see the film not rewound, and just laying there being bleached blank by the sun. i close the lid in confusion. it says error on the digital read out- why won't it rewind? i think well, maybe i can tuck the spoiled part of them film into the roll and salvage the problem. so i open it up again and PULL. but no, not just 3 pictures but the entire roll laid tightly coiled. realizing the disaster and perhaps secretly blaming technology and the fact that i'd been using a holga all day- i kept pulling, knowing that it was all lost anyway- mom only half guessing my madness said, well there are 36 pictures on the roll. not anymore mom! not anymore. pull. pull. pull. i saw my memory being erased in front of me. i thought- what were the 32 pictures on the roll. where did it start? what part of my day will i no longer be able to remember. perhaps i mused, i didn't want to have a visual record of them all along. perhaps i wanted to remember them the way my mind wanted to remember them. having pictures you become reliant on them to hold your memories. we become stupider by degrees i thought. pull. pull. pull. why did i think 32 and not 36. i felt betrayed by my mind for such a stupid action. why had i thought, it'd rewound? why. pull. pull. pull. erase. erase. erase.

my mind is already fragmenting the memory: animals i saw: 8 quails, 1 coyote, 15 king sparrows, 1 golden eagle, the tail of a kangaroo rat, 5 ground squirrals, 1 oriole, 9 ravens, 7 bunnies... many rocks, much scrub brush, 1 sunset, many stars: canis major, taurus, orion, gemini, the big dipper, the 7 virgins. 4 fires: how it burned, how hot it felt, how much wood it took, the noise it made, the wind, no wind... the ash dusting over the landscape. the chocolate pudding cups, the cold water, the toilet seat, the crunch of the gravel, the long winding roads, the kids who locked their keys in the trunk, burning a hole in our tent, the cold, the hot, the fire, the dark, the yelping coyotes, the drunk college students, the story of them trying to hitch a ride, the warmth of the sun, our triangular journey to nowhere but back from where we came, and the road home, and the windmills and the outlet mall and the indian reservation and the in/out burger and all the trucks, and the clear sky to hazy smog, to home and a shower and the dirt scrubbed from under my fingernails, to the tv and the internet and our animals: 2 dogs, 4 cats and rolls and rolls of used film. and to-do lists and to another day, more ordinary and nothing like the last.

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

So Seriously?

You know everyday i don't hear from Pen i just assume she's gone into labor and had the baby. This is why I believe daily posts are for the benefit of all blogdom.

I'm sort of shaking my head out of a reviere that involved: another search for a job, cash EDD check, laundry (1of3), post office, and web updating, disk defragmenting, song downloading, drivers, disk burning and general chacanery. So how to go about posting what is already fading from view.

Let's start with Hells Kitchen... And it's funny as I realized on my 'dusty' post that the 2 reality shows i have worked on both involved Hades, the other being the INFERNO. But 3 really makes a charm. So we'll wait and see. There's not much to say anyway after generally shaking my head the entire time saying- oh my god, i'm totally going to blog about this. like a jackass. waiting for someone to reply and when they do it was with minimal interest- like a) they didn't get it b) they didn't care c) they didn't get why i'd want to blog about it or d) they knew i was just baiting their interest and so had nothing to say.

Things I was totally going to Blog about: at 8pm after a 12 hour day the art director wanted the PA's to hose down the entire parking lot so that it could be painted and move all of her props, trash and equipment out of the way when she has a full crew of her own. Our question: why aren't the painters power washing this? Why it sucked: the water coming out in a trickle and standing there for an hour in a futile half-assed attempt. I stayed late and the 2nd PM walkied me and said I could go. The other PA's stayed. I felt dismissed. You'd think i would've been glad but leaving as a pack is better and it was my last night so it was hard to wrap up all the goodbyes. 2nd thing I totally wanted to blog about: The fire inspector was coming around at 8am the next morning so we had to clear all the crap from everywhere that other crews were too lazy to take care of in the first place. We cleared a room full of empty boxes from the art department to the outside dump area. Only for the art director to say she wanted to keep the boxes so we had to move them a 1/2 city block away to the furthest point on the lot at 9pm so she could store stuff in them later. We became an instant joke and an exercise in futility.

Random thoughts: the fruit parfait crafty made rocked, the blackwidows dangling down from the ceiling were so uncool, always make sure there are liners in the womens restroom so the people that clean them don't have to "dig out" anything- cuz it's gross, men still like to see women holding their own especially when it's an all-male PA crew- you do in fact become one of the boys, i like free food, hard works make my wrists stronger and they crack less, i spent a lot of time with boys, wear gloves, i understand why people stockpile food from crafty, keeping up appearances is very important, and lastly there is always someone who will piss you off who looks at you like they're judging you, there will always be a funny oddball, and the guy you knew from that other job, and the last minute thing that guarntees you won't leave on time.

Regrets: My non-invincible arches. Not being able to handle a 7pm to 7am shift. Not having a business card on hand when Rod asked for it- not knowing his full title or his last name and not being able to come back the next day to give it to him. Not being chipper at 9pm even when the 2nd PM said i was doing a good job. Some how despite attracting the favor of the 1st PM, enough for him to want to remember my name, the key-day-set PA from Alaska who i thought was awesome, and the art dept coordinator, who i ironed sheets for 5 hours for- realizing it wasn't enough to a) keep me employed there b) not really having a chance of being hired back in the future c) being conflicted about not thrilling everyone. d) telling yourself that there's always the next gig and only half believeing it to be true.