Thursday, December 30, 2004

An Orderly Disorder

I just ate some campbell's soup- condensed. a favorite. i thought you should know because other than the ache in my head- left side, cause unknown, i'm feeling warm and cozy if not slightly salty and consequently thirsty. i'm still staring out the window and the weather is beginning to chill and storm watch of 2004 bears down upon us as if a giant wave hadn't killed a whole bunch of people. (stupid news)

Dec 30 Showers Late 47° 50 %

A couple days ago I tuned into a PBS special on the "Terra Nova" and it was a show I stage managed back in '98. Just hearing what happenend makes me teary eyed again, let alone watching them die 4 days a week for 2 months.. What was it?

Well, I'll tell you. Robert F. Scott wanted to be first to the South Pole and well face it, a much more craftier Norweigen, Roald Amundsen, beat him too it- bcs he ate his dogs and trained by leaving his window open in the middle of the night- which steels me against the cold whenever I think of it. So I leave my window open too. But the point of the PBS special was about a meteorologist named Simpson who predicted the weather Scott would face. Because that's really what killed them. So imagine the guilt he felt when he found out they had weather into -50, got picked off one by one by frostbite only for the last 2 and the captain himself to die ONLY 11 miles from the safety depot- But you see he wasn't wrong, that's the thing. It should have been balmy and breezy for the arctic. and 15 out of 16 years he would have been right! How messed up is that? And now with data gathering machines and what not this woman found out it wasn't because Scott was inept or the plan wrong- they just didn't know. It's messed up really.

And infact according to this book on CHAOS, that I have as yet to get through (so 2 years, no big deal), it talks about how the chaos theory sprung up from a guy watching clouds- the weather as it turns out is Aperiodic- "systems that almost repeat themselves but never quite succeed- animal populations that rise and fall almost regularly, epidemics that come and go on tantilizingly near-regular schedules..." It's a pattern with disturbances.

Weather despite it's deadly consequences is still pretty fitfully amazing. And it clearly sucks to land on disturbance. But most of drama hinges on those distrubances, life in fact. For where would we be without it. Profound disturbances like tsunami's... I can't imagine standing on the beach and watching the tide go out and wondering, wow, that's weird, why did it just do that? I know I would have run, wouldn't I have? And it's nature in its awesomeness that make people surf the North Shore or climb Mt. Kilimanjaro or walk around in the rain eating ice cream with metal spoons in the rain... or racing for the pole. Maybe.

"chronicles" 12/27

And I am sad to say that I am on my way to work. As I round the corner to the office, I see that the homeless lady has relocated; now she has taken post in front of Port City Java, which is right across the street from General Assembly. She leans over to pick up a bowl, grunting with effort as she rises. The bowl is for the puppy, whose leash is attached to the woman’s grocery cart. The cart holds several bags of dog food, the dog himself appears well-fed and happy as he sits on the freezing cold sidewalk and looks up to his lady, and I’m trying to take in every detail of this scene while crossing the street but at the same time not appear as though I’m looking, and all the while I can’t get that question out of my head,

Where do they sleep at night?

Then I notice that the grocery cart comes from Target.

Years from now, this person could very well be me.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

it never ceases to amaze me

how i can park a car and not knick the cars standing next to me. on a daily basis. no scratches, scrapes or bumps.

knock on wood thrice.

today Posted by Hello

i guess i could blame christmas

it's still raining. and i feel more, less inspired to do anything, but sit and contemplate the weather. Today Dec 29 Showers 55°/44° 50 % It is infact, currently showering. SO that 50% came to fruition. and i have to say, I'd like more lightening and thunder. but that's because i'm dramatic. and it is a good show- and really unless you're on a golf course or oh, i don't know, the only thing resembling a tree or a metal pole you're more than likely not to be struck by lightening. which you could be if you're thin and wandering the streets with a carton of ice cream and a metal spoon.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

quote of the day

"It is indisputably evident that a great part of every man's life must be employed in collecting marterials for the exercise of genius."- Sir Joshua Reynolds.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

"chronicles" 12/21

Today at the chiropractor, the receptionist told me our balance was about $75 more than I had calculated it to be, and so I am still behind on payment. I can't figure out if the figure she gave me is our total monthly bill, in which case I have to recalulate all of our bills, again, or if we are just that behind. It's a never-ending, hated landslide, money is.

Then the crowd at the grocery store was like the mall the day after Thanksgiving. I got stuck behind this one lady on several occasions; she was so slow-moving, which sort of broke my heart. But I was in a rush, and one can only be so crafty with the dodge-and-dance before seeming rude. I finally checked out, took the bags to the car, and realized I had forgotten the holiday-themed disposable Tupperware containers I had meant to purchase for the cookies I was about to bake. I would put shiny snowman stickers on them, and they would be last-minute gifts. There was no way I could circumnavigate the need for the Tupperware, and so I hurried back into the store, flew to the Tupperware aisle, and of course she, the Immovable Lady, was hovering in the exact spot I needed to be, so that in order to get the Tupperware I had to scoot in between the woman's legs and her cart, a tight fit. I grabbed green but then caught sight of the red, just inches from her ankle. Of course there was the option to say, "Excuse me, please, sorry!" maybe even in a British accent so that I might sound especially cheery. But the surly voice inside of me just muttered screw it, and I checked out in the U-Scan-It aisle for the second time.

And when I get to the door of the house, my arms are laden with four grocery bags, two of which hold five-pound bags of all-purpose flour, my Michelin Man winter coat (it isn't so cold anymore), my leather satchel, and a 12-pack of red-and-green-frosted cupcakes that I will bring to tomorrow evening's get-together. I think that I will bang my foot on the door so that S. will come open it for me, but unfortunately, I can't even open the metal door first to get to the wood one. And of course kicking the metal door produces a much more surprising sound, so that the moment I kick there is scream-barking, a loud crash and then some spectacular swearing. S. opens the door and I meekly say, "Sorry!" and he grumbles, "It's okay," but he's not mad at me. He is mad at the f-ing dog, who in her skittishness leapt from sleeping in the office downstairs to the front door upstairs, but took the computer cables with her and thus the brand-new laptop, which went crashing from the table to the floor. And those systems are not hard to destroy, I know. Once, in great and embarassing anger, I single-fistedly destroyed the display of my own laptop. There is no way this laptop will have made it, I am sure, this expensive machine purchased just weeks ago for the sole purpose of helping S. start up with his new business, and if is it lost, then what? My mind snaps just then, and immediately, I too am screaming at the f-ing dog.

"I don't even want to look at you!" I shout, and shove her outside.

And then after cleaning the spilled Coke on the rug downstairs, I angrily wash the dishes in the kitchen sink while S. angrily works with the computer to see if it is still functional. With a little bit of fussing, it is. He comes upstairs and hugs me and I start crying, all for having screamed at the dog I love too much when it was just an accident, for having made such a dramatic entrance when I am usually so happy to come home from work, and the idea I would be so upset at the death of a computer, when the fact of the matter is, these machines are replaceable and in the grand scheme of things this disaster would not have mattered. You tell the computer company it's new and it just broke, you don't know why. They send you a new machine. You rework your projects. All is well.

And fourthly, I cry because I know for the fifth and five billionth time that it is not life's negative events that befall you but how you handle them.

Blah and blah and blah.

The poor dog gives us kisses and wags her tail, seeming to say, I know I'm a big dork, but I sure do love you!

And I think, I love you, too, you big dork, but if I never learn to prevent earthquakes and other natural disasters, man what a bad mom I'm going to make.

Good sir, do pour me a large drink.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

tagged traveler

The woman, for a variety of reasons was crossing the street on this NewYork winter morning. None of which were noteworthy, noneofwhich would win her the award for most enduring and noble spouse. She wanted a coffee. She wanted a glitter ball toy for her cat. It was however, a mistake to wear suede shoes out in the morning, but she conceded, she wasn't going far, and fashion over function always suited her best- even with dangerously wet sidewalks, and especially when depressed. Her diamond earrings, a gift from said non-endured spouse, who every morning poured over droll philosophic books, and looked best in a smoking jacket but never condescended to wear one. This displeased her greatly. Red was his color, and there it sat, never to be looked at. So she was out and obviously about, and didn't give a damn if the suede got ruined.

She picked a particularly chic coffee shop. One with it's couches, and fireplace- a quaint accouterment to her general fashionable self. She ordered a latte. Non-specific, and remarked at how empty, strangely, the place appeared to be. She half-hoped in a haze that customers would manifest themselves quietly around her to complete the ambiance. The clerk or barista, if he be, ignored her and turned back to his double-shot espresso.

She realized she had been staring into the sun. Which was a harsh and unflattering light. Although if positioned correctly the filtered light made her glow and feel effervescent. She felt, at such a time, that effervescence was exactly required. So she placed herself in a leather chair in front of the streaming sun... as to be a dark, mysterious figure- legs crossed in fashionable suede shoes. Perhaps her diamond earrings might catch the light. She delicately tied her hair and watched as the light danced over her hands.

There was however, despite the lighting, nothing to read. She remained austere but sadly not anywhere near bubbly or luminous and decided it was a bad description of the feeling she required. She left the coffee shop and threw away a perfectly warm half cup of latte.

The glitter ball for the cat was easier and didn't require her ultra-sense of scenic arrangement. It was a different script altogether. She contemplated the various toys as it began to flurry outside. She glanced out, somewhat insulted, that it hadn't picked a more idyllic moment, as it would've been, had she fallen or ruined her shoe or broken up with her lover- then flurry. That would be something. She didn't have a lover but wondered, how it would be to rendevous somewhere near the nutritional food supplies and the cat scratchers and spend a good amount of time, where no one went, and made out for a while- or maybe until her mouth was sore- with her lover.

She lacked passion, and as she crossed the street and little bits of flurry threatened her shoes, she noted the cold feeling where the latte had been. She climbed the 8 steps required to gain entrance to her apartment lobby, pausing to watch it grow increasingly dark. The door man remarked on the weather and she agreed, remarking that- wasn’t it typical- the weather had ruined her shoes. He was sympathetic, told a story about dropping a scarf in a puddle once. She said, how sad, and pushed the elevator button.
Back in the apartment her husband was still at his stack of books.

She said, But love look. I’ve ruined my shoes.

He glanced down and then out the window, remarking as well that the weather was bad. I didn’t like the shoes anyway, he said.

“But, Viktor, you-“

“You have something for the cat?” he said. “He’ll love it.”

“Yes”, she sighed holding up the unremarkable bag, “He won’t care you know.”

He came up to her and kissed her on the lips and nestled his face in her neck.

“You’re warm”, she said.

“You’re crying? But why, Amelia?”

She shook her head and pulled away, “It’ll be gone in a moment.”

Saturday, December 18, 2004

tag left in guest room by traveler

CHAR: Amelia Warren
ACTOR: Catherine Zeta-Jones
CHG #: 4A
SC #: 136, 137, 138, 139, 139PB
DESC: N34 10/5 D-35 - 10/6

- Viktor & Amelia have dinner & toss pagers
- Mop dance

(reverse side)
  • undergarment: black all in one w/ legs
  • wolford pantyhose (gobiL)
  • 2-pc. outfit black jersey (YSL)
  • V-neck l/s top w/ flounced cuffs
  • straight skirt w/ flared bottom
  • SHOES: closed toe multi-colored suede pumps
  • handbag: small black suede w/ thin shoulder strap
  • necklace: Cartier broken heart
  • earrings: diamond stud

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

the one and only ORIGINAL. i think that would be a good tattoo for me to get. POLL: where should i get it and how big? Posted by Hello

no turkey-in-a-box? how sad.

Ah, mendacious. Let us take this time then and try to finish our script's Christmas episode.

I mourn for the loss of Mildred and John.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

quote of the day

I'm minding my own business. All I can think of is that it's free turkey day tomorrow and god-willing i'll actually last one more day at this job to make it to- I-get-a-free-frozen-turkey-in-a-box-to-take-home.

I wipe the drool from my mouth as I see John bound up and he says, "Hey, how's it going." He says this with a laugh.

Then he says, "So has this place started to give you the dry heaves yet or..."

I laugh.

I say, "Ha, not yet!"

He says, "Oh so just straight vomiting then."

I laugh. I think this is awesome.

He says, "It's, yah, know, a typical reaction to this hell hole."

I think he MUST know me. KNOW what i'm thinking. He must know what I think of the hive. How'd he get away with saying that too. Because it was funny and he really must know me. I think it'll be sad to leave John and Mildred.

I didn't have to contemplate that for long as I my job agent took me off this assignment because I was unhappy. I read this email from my phone and gasped in horror. I took a break and I called and I said, "When I'm happy stars and hearts shoot out of my head." But that hasn't happened for a long time. So it doesn't matter. Discontent doesn't matter. But he took me off the assignment anyway. Nevermind that I'm missing a free turkey.

They don't have another job lined up so I've shot myself in the foot and I don't get a turkey. I'm a hunter with nothing to do. Nevermind the suffering or the -now i can't afford the dating service. Perhaps stars and hearts are worth waiting for. I might wither before then but it'll be worth it.

The vomiting comment was everything.

Monday, December 13, 2004

quote of the day:

Mildred: Okay we're off to a meeting.
Mendacious: Farwell.
Mildred: "Oh, don't say that. Not in this day and age."
Mendacious: Well then, Godspeed and if god grants, to see you another day.

AFTER THOUGHT: riiight. cuz livin' in those karazy plague days was NUTHIN!

Sunday, December 12, 2004

okay, so...

refer to the pic before the christmas fallout.

I'm lost on a particular level in this game and if I hit the reset button i have to go back to the beginning. for one thing i used all my credit points to buy supplies, but realized that $100 for a dating service was too much, then instead, bought way too many cocunut advantage bars- meanwhile the trader joe trail mix is getting stale. how am i expected to survive on this. also i've acquired a taste for diet dr.pepper. which if you think about it, i have to stop.

so anyway i get on my bike and ride the 4 miles to work on pothole ridden roads, past a golf center and what used to be a quarry- or a dump- i'm not sure. i think the golf center used to be the dump and the quarry/dump is actually just not in use. then i drove past the burbank airport runway. mental note: i will pause to watch the plane accelerate right at me and take off. i will. i just haven't yet. because here, i can do that. i think, what the hell kinda small town am i in anyway? quarry's and dumps? has this place been here the whole time? why haven't i ever snuck onto the dump property or gone tojumpintheabandoned quarry- why haven't i ever been chased by a junk yard dog? i think, god almighty, what kind of friends did i have that we never even thought to jump on bikes late at night and do that. sure we had the mountains, and this particular water run off pipe but really its not the same and i had to DRIVE to get there and that was in high school. (i'm digressing).

i've stored up my energy credits and calculate that leaving 30min to ride 4miles East, then in a SE direction, it should be 1) fairly easy 2) even keeled 3) manage to avoid trucks and all will be well. i don't want to read this: GAME OVER - on my forehead, or have to refuse emergency service because i don't have health insurance, which if i ever needed an ambulance i sort of imagine myself grasping "the guy" and saying, "don't call an ambulance, i can't afford it!" So, I wear a helmut. Which makes me look like an idiot. That's fine. I'm a pro. I don't mind it. I have gloves.

the JOB: I got this job thru a temp agency. Which if I took zanex, i'd say, i'd popped one, to suck up the nerve to sign up. but since i don't, i didn't and it wasn't that bad.. but it did take me 1 1/2 years to do it. so much for expediancy. it took me that long bcs i've been temping for about - god, 9 years maybe? well off and on. and the jobs, with the exception of, maybe- 2, ended tragically- with "your assignment's ended BCS" or they didn't want you back BCS... which accumlated involved: lightswitches and dark corridors, an HR lady who hated me, a bitter music major who hated me, internet surfing, ambivilance, wandering around cubicles humming horror themes with a rubber band, waiting for things to catch on fire, an earthquake to happen, a free turkey, a car catching on fire, free wooden circles, a dolphin centerpiece, kilbasa?, cakes, company lunches, desk after desk after conference room, and once, a place i could kick off my shoes. did i mention florescent lighting? god-forsaken-florescent-lighting?

so i get there and i am immediately tested by the reception god: it's not difficult. i use my charming magik (the power level on this skill is erratic)... i answer simple questions like, how's my drive, what'll i be doing. I think, is she charming ME? I answer with a SMILE. my patience is rewarded with the arrival of one whose approval i need to gain admittance. she makes me sign a "contract"- did i mention the drug test? i am wary of this level already. this place for one has a tree made of pointsetta plants. 2nd, when i asked what the company did- the god said, you may glance upon these encased relics. i said, i have not the skill. the god said, very well then: ABS brakes for airlines. (i gained a credit). who knew. i guess someone has to make them. behind a thick door i hear the hum of machines and the scent of motor oil hits me- i think, ah motor oil.. it's like THAT other job i had in the aerospace industry.

the FLOOR: now this is really where the level begins. i think, i will destroy the picture they took of me lest it get into the wrong hands. it's a sea of cubicles as high as an elephants eye. and roughly the size of a small gym but not as tall. it is GREY. there are no windows, except for the ones behind the closed doors where the conference tables and the executive offices are. I'll watch for MONSTERS.oddly this is where all the admin people are. I mean i'm sitting right next to the guy who does workers comp and I'M IN contract sales. i think this will be a difficult level. my only avatars are 1) biking equals exercise. 2) money means a) no bankruptcy b) no defaulting on loans c) i can really afford a dating service now! d) i can still look for a job and do this at the same time. Come ON NOW! it's not SO BAD. it's not THAT BORING. besides, you've got your cellphone that you can check email on and listen to the radio... sure those trips to the bathroom might get suspicious, but i drink a lot of water and i have a small bladder. i have been practicing this one. it's like sharpening a skill- predicting difficult and inquisitve questions. avoiding trouble. avoiding that word called "NOLONGERNEEDED"... I CAN DO THIS!

but then i sit down at my desk on day one. now keep in mind, i've only had 2. i confront a little sign that says- S5 LEVEL 4. where am i? why am i level four and paul across the way is level 2. i walk around obsessed with peoples level. i note that all the computer moniters are observable. the bad feng si of this alone might deplete my mind credits. i can't ascertain if level four is higher than level 2. i would consider that it involves more risk, more likely that i would be terminated or carried away by angry gremlins seeking revenge for the murder of their high lord GRo:G. i didn't do it i say! i didn't. he fell on my sword on accident- but only bcs he was pushed by the treacherous Li Mi. I'll get even for that act- i swear.

i would talk to the people in the cubicles next to me, but i haven't ascertained their allegiances or their intelligence levels. not everyone GETS that florescent light deteriotes the little fibers in your soul, or cereberal cortex, or whatever is cooler. and i can't say, who's on the Queen's side or mine- i mean I AM in a hive. and lest i actually get terminated, by lets say a roaving mutant released by said queen, or killed because the t-1 virus spread thru the vents- only to be regenerated as a zombie only to get hacked down by the ascerbic yet determined mila as i grasp for the one thing i want more than anything in the world,...


day 2: i pedal home: slightly grueling as i didn't intend for my bike to be now going in a NW by W position. . . the wind. the horrible horrible wind. but i make it home. i think i can do this. i think i will calculate for the wind and NW position next time.

mission: Christmas Shopping

completed in 12 days or less. these are the things that make me feel accomplished in life.

to all our readers, please check the updated sidebar with two new additions to our favorite links, Indigenous Beliefs and Daily Banterings. y'all rock.

i'm going to be random. i feel random.

this weekend has been filled with: a little bit of this, a little bit of that. went to office holiday party on friday night, got a little wasted, but only a little. intended to stay for about an hour and that's it, inspired by the angry, ugly feeling that i had upon wakening friday morning: not only do i have another day left in this week of work, but i have to spend tonight with these people, too? rrrr. not so much the people in my department, because i like them. but the people beyond. the young twentysomething freaks. the loud lady in sales who is all sunshine and roses one minute, but the next--look out. at the party she impolitely pushed aside my husband at the bar, impolitely pushed me aside at the food table, then proceeded to light a napkin on fire while moving a metal warming tray. which, by the way, why was she doing that? we all watched in removed fascination/horror while she stamped the flames out on the floor, which in that particular area was luckily made of stone.

then our jackass of a c.e.o made some speech about what a great job we've been doing, but hey, for 2005? let's work harder, weeee! cheers to that, jackass, for paying all of us peanuts while you buy a 2.2 million dollar house. i mean, let me rephrase that. congratulations on being able to purchase a 2.2 million dollar house because you worked for it and you deserve it, but excuse me while i try to find something better. working on that movie deal. or at least the afore-pitched Chronicles of a Jackass, which i really am still serious about. and believe you, me, you will have an entry or two of your own in there.

stayed three hours at the party, not one, but it wasn't too painful overall. got great blackmail pics, and some cute ones as well.

finished up with Christmas decor, but did have brief moment of remorse for not making the house the Christmas mania/Fantasyland that i usally do. i am just feeling cluttered as of late. but as i was putting the boxes back in the closet, still filled with many loved things, the sad chiming of little Christmas tune sang out from a music box and i thought, oh i am so sorry little music box. maybe next year. when i have a new lovely big house with room enough for a whole Christmas-crazy area and enough sunlight to share with the plants, which must, even in the South, live inside during the winter months and so far are doing okay, but could be better.

i watched part of Elf, again. i wondered where the other Christmas movies were, who knows, since i made that rule not to rifle through every box. s washed the dogs, which was much needed. last night we grilled beef kabobs. we're doing very good with eating leftovers and not shopping at Target so as to afford decent presents for everyone. i lazed. i straightened up the guest bedroom, which was atrociously packed with this and that due to Christmas and post-wedding fallout.

and, and! i finally sorted the Tupperware. for years this has been weighing on me. and now there it is, my nice little Tupperware cabinet.

i'm being so domestic, so wife-like.

but i'll leave with this: tonight is the SURVIVOR finale!!!! eeeee. and i will eat Chinese food. mmm.

and also, this is the Jackass Moment of the Day, which will go in the book that i will surely start writing soon enough: today after showering, i was like, oh, my skin is dry--as skin is often dry in winter. so i was like, hmmm, maybe some lotion would be good. some baby oil would be ideal. but then i was like, oh, i don't have baby oil. but, i do have baby lotion that is almost as good. i noticed that in fact i appeared to have two containers of baby lotion, one of which i used liberally. then, as i was putting said container back in the closet, i noticed that the container i was holding was in fact baby lotion body wash, as in soap. and the other container, that was the actual lotion. i had to get back in the shower and wash it all off. what a jackass.

hee hee.

Thursday, December 9, 2004

if only i could figure out what to do next. Posted by Hello

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

even though it's 70 degrees...
c'mon, sing the song!

Wednesday, December 8, 2004

aw, dude. seriously.

Historically, dude originally meant "old rags" -- a "dudesman" was a scarecrow. In the late 1800s, a "dude" was akin to a "dandy," a meticulously dressed man, especially out West. It became "cool" in the 1930s and 1940s, according to Kiesling. Dude began its rise in the teenage lexicon with the 1981 movie "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."

Monday, December 6, 2004

encouraging words.

just know it'll eventually work itself out like a treacherous disease with some risdual sideeffect scarring
Dec 06 Partly Cloudy 59°/40° 10 %

book proposal

title: Chronicles of a Jackass

starring: me

pitch: people do things all the time that make them feel like a jackass. but do they always share? no, because it would make them feel like a bigger jackass, and most times it's better to play it cool. however, i would like to share, not just for my own entertainment, but perhaps also to make others feel, as they silently read to themselves, hey--there is someone out there like me, too. or, they can just think, man, that lady's a jackass.

inspired by: this weekend. little incident involving dishwasher and palmolive soap.

questions: should i use the word "jackass" in the title? it's a funny word that rings well with "chronicles." however, i would like no affiliation whatsover with the MTV show. also, it might be a little harsh--though it is supposed to be more sarcastic than anything. but maybe it is too much of a cliche? hmmm.


you are not alone!
penelope is always here.

Sunday, December 5, 2004


in this i am alone.
i am alone.
when left by roads
and each arm in arm with friends
to waste
walks on without me
and the leaves roll
and the hair whips across the face
i am. i am.
and in this i am.
i am. i am.
and still i stand
waiting for what
but for someone to carry me along
i am i am
in this
i am i am
when hurt and whining
my breath carried
and billowed by
and in this
and in this---
something larger
and it doesn't matter
i am. i am-

Wednesday, December 1, 2004

jimmy buffett

has been a best-selling author on both fiction and non-fiction lists.

some food for thought.