Friday, April 27, 2007

oh noooooooo!

After tearing down the hallway wallpaper on Wednesday, we (my mom and I) were prepared on Thursday morning to begin painting. The shade was a lovely light mauve, not too dark for a windowless space, but also not too light, or too pink, or too purple, or too weird. From my imagination to my selection to our execution, it was spot-on. I was quite pleased with the project. Except for one teensy error in judgment, one minor little slip that I blame entirely on Prego Brain.

Don't ever do this: don't think that just because there's hooks under the paint tray made for ladder rungs that you can hook the tray to the ladder and then pour. Especially if you are indoors, and especially if your baby is standing about a foot away.

The tray tipped and fell in slow-motion, seemingly, and yet there was just no way to pause, rewind, reconsider one's idiocy (and lack of a dropcloth), and redo.

I'm quite surprised I didn't cry. Spilled milk, nah, don't worry about it, but spilled paint? It's another matter entirely.

K.Lo is fine, actually. Somehow she made it through the day, including the cleanup, the tracking all over the house (mine), and finally the subsequent painting, without a single splotch on her clothes. She wasn't too happy when sequestered to her crib during cleanup (no other choice), but toward the end she was able to rejoin us and even pitched in.

P.S. Should a similar incident ever occur in your travels, I do recommend a spray-bottle solution of water combined with Murphy Oil Soap. Or even the spray-cleaner version of the product, should you have had the foresight to purchase it.

Thursday, April 26, 2007


In my effort to make a vapid post, as I haven't yet come up with a vapid entertainment loving post yet, i wanted you to know that i love the iRobot. at first it sort of creeped me out and it's beeping pleas for help were ignored, i often just powered it off. okay i still do, but at least i now let it sweep my floor clean. i don't empty it but i do make sure it doesn't run aground bcs of a stray chord or fringed carpet. this is about all i can bring myself to do. but it is pretty cute when it beeps a song when it returns to home base or how it powers down when it gets stuck and no one comes to help it and we come home to find it blinking a sad redlight song.

it's the little things in life you learn to appreciate... thanks irobot.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


Wherefore art thou, friend?

When I tell a story I have to use the name of the person i'm talking about. It doesn't seem odd when i type it here but a lot of people i've noticed don't like putting a name to things. I get the ambiguous, "So, my 'friend' "... It's probably to protect the names of the innocent but everytime I try it the word chokes in my mouth. Like I'm not being completely honest, deliberately holding back "the name"... Sure it might be, well you don't know who i'm talking about... but then how can they be like characters? They become, oh, so is that the friend who crashed into the parked car? Or, is that the woman who was crying?.... And it's followed by a yes, or no... and it's like i'm playing a memory game, purely anecdotal and not at all character building. And then I make up my mind to start using the friend clause with the friends who can't bother to use anything but the word friend... it's this weird, they're not letting me in feeling. Possibly irrational? Possibly true? And then when i tell a story and again, fail to use anything generic in the describing of them, they say, oh i have a friend that does that... but then stop and doesn't say anything else. So you have a "friend" do you? And they do "things"?

Guys do i have a problem? Why can't i let go of the name, analysis and character description. How can I be okay with generic story packaging? What are the 12 help steps here?

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


i have a head cold. designated sinus pressured. gum aching. long hours of sleep and little pink benedryl pills. kind of thing. fogged concentration. things not quite done. listless. head stretched to the side. grasped water bottle. wandering blur eyed spaces. but refund in and bills paid. more lists made, a gleam of future progressing debt decreasing. no potatos. nicknames. nicaragua. and the summer months. art stuff. things pending. garden growing. and blissful job. days elongating like clockwork as pages flip, a careless calendar.

Monday, April 23, 2007


NorthHollywood, California

In what was to be the storm of the century, a tree was felled in the early morning hours on a quiet sub-more-urban street. When only streetwalkers and the homeless are seeking shelter, and the wanton depraved acts of todays youth are laid to bare we find nature unleashing its fury upon the cars of the innocent-not-so-middle class.

Upon waking this morning in a desperate dash for nicotine my father was caught unawares, by the scene before him. The truck entwined in the mighty epoch of the nicholas nicoli. His mirror smashed to bits and dents of the trees journey now irrovacably branded upon the car. Humanity! When his wife of 36 years was interviewed, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "We didn't hear a thing." And when asked in a fit of frustration by her husband, how he was to get out, she said, "Dave, just put it in reverse." The audience will be happy to note, he did just that and was able to continue on his journey for cigarettes ubabated.

As dawn broke many cars attempted to pass the gauntlet of :felled tree, but some could not pass and had to turn back. The writer was aware how narrowly her own car escaped disaster, having fortuitously parked on the other side of the street, a rare but now opportune fluke. Of which she has had an ample run of lately. Later, she moved it more forward so that even larger cars could pass by the scene of devastation.

She surveyed the scene, taking pictures, and contemplating the fate of the tree, said, "T'would be a shame if the tree had to come down." The wife said, "Well it's significantly lightened its load." The writer nodded her head with universal understanding and aplomb for the future of both the tree and her life. The wife, as she shuffled her feet back into the house, called the city to have the wreckage removed, said "I want the firewood though. They'll have to give me that, if they give me anything."


Like Megs, I went to the Library Book Sale and am rather pleased with my purchases. Part of me wants to go back when it's the yard sale on Thursday and buy books by the foot, but the more sensible part of me says to stay home and be happy with my already overstuffed shelves. Along with an armload of now-and-later books for Bug, including a Clifford, Amelia Bedelia, and a lot of Sesame Street, as well as a handful of boy books for J.Lo, I procured the following fine mix of literary and girly pop fiction. I can only hope that the highbrow mendacious will at least partially approve...

Bergdorf Blondes, Plum Sykes
Patron Saint of Liars, Ann Patchett
The Cheer Leader, Jill McCorkle
Girl With Curious Hair, David Foster Wallace
Just Between Us, Cathy Kelly
The Love Machine, Jacqueline Susann
Blessed are the Cheese-Makers, Sarah-Kate Lynch
Love Monkey, Kyle Smith

Total of all purchases (24 books)? $10. Woohoo for the Library Book Sale!

Sunday, April 22, 2007


Well-said, I feel... read it, pass it on.


The latest EW magazine is the Summer Movie Preview, and omg, I'm so excited! We're going to have to save our pennies toward several outings to the theater this summer, for sure. Here are my top picks, in order of release:

1. Waitress, which is a Sundance favorite starring Keri Russell. Frankly, this looks more like a rental, because will they even show it in ILM? Not likely. But I feel compelled to see any movie starring Felicity. Unless, of course, it also stars Tom Cruise, in which case, I can wait. (May 2)

2. Spider-Man 3. I'm more of a chick-flick kind of girl, but who can resist Spider-Man, and in the theater. I saw the other two on the big screen as well, and I'm not about to miss out on the third installment. (May 4)

3. The Ex. I must also see any movie starring Zach Braff, not to mention Jason Bateman. Don't really care what it's about, but it does look pretty great; Braff describes the style as "a mesh between the sensibilities of Arrested Development and Scrubs." (May 11)

4. Shrek the Third. Again, this may have to be a rental. But even though I tend to forego viewing cartoon-type flicks in favor of real action, I have to admit I love Shrek. The movies are truly clever, and this one features JIM from The Office voicing Lancelot. One cannot go wrong. (May 18)

5. Pirates of the Caribbean: At the World's End. Another that must be viewed on the big screen, end of story. (May 25)

6. Knocked Up. Love Katherine Heigl. Loved 40-Year-Old Virgin, and therefore loved Seth Rogan. Love Paul Rudd, and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother. And then, looking through imdb, this movie also features appearances by Ryan (BJ Novak) from The Office, SNL'S Kristen Wiig, and (in a direct appeal to Ashley) Ryan Seacrest. Eeeeeee! (June 1)

7. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. What is with all my action-adventure picks, seriously? I really liked the first one, though, and one totally must see it in ginormity...

8. License to Wed. A romantic comedy starring JIM from The Office, Mandy Moore, and Robin Williams. Any romantic comedy starring JIM from The Office, I'm going to see. But also, any romantic comedy starring Mandy Moore, with JIM from The Office? Oh yes indeed. The plot: Moore forces fiance Krasinski to sign up for marriage-prep class led by "flaky family minister" Williams. Can't. Wait. (July 4).

9. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Explanation for excitement entirely unnecessary. (July 13)

10. The Bourne Ultimatum. Again, not a big action-adventure movie fan, but there's something about the Bourne movies I immensely enjoy. And it's not even (just) Matt Damon. I only hope that J.Lo doesn't leave me at home for this one to watch the baby. (Not that I mind watching the baby. But still.) (August 3)

11. Becoming Jane. It stars Anne Hathaway, who is just lovely, as well as Maggie Smith. It's a biography of Jane Austen, before she became famous. Woohoo!! (August 13)

12. Superbad. A teen-sex comedy co-written by and starring Seth Rogan. Also stars SNL's Bill Hader. And the teens? George Michael from Arrested Development, and the kid who wants to buy the sparkly, high-heeled goldfish boots at the eBay store in 40-Year-Old Virgin. I might read the reviews first before deciding on this one... I'm crossing my fingers for well-done and not retarded. (August 17).

13. Penelope. Even if it's a rental, don't I kind of have to? It stars Christina Ricci and Reese Witherspoon, and is about a girl with half a pig face... Yeah, okay, it's totally a rental. (August 17)

14. The Brothers Soloman. The plot sounds a little bizarre: says EW, it's about "a pair of inept siblings who enlist a surrogate to produce a grandchild for their dying father." But, it stars Will Arnett, aka Gob from AD, and SNL's Will Forte and Kristen Wiig. I'm pretty sure it will be freaking hilarious (August 31)

Will probably also rent:

1. Nancy Drew, because why not? (June 15)

2. Evan Almighty, which is the follow-up to Jim Carrey's Bruce Almighty, which I sort of loved and sort of hated all at the same time. The sequel stars Steve Carrell, Morgan Freeman, and GG's Lorelai, aka Lauren Graham, and therefore should be hilarious. Super-hilarious, really. But I feel it's just a rental after all. (June 22)

3. The Transformers, because you kind of have to. (July 4)

4. The Simpson Movie, again because you kind of have to. (July 27)

5. No Reservations, a romantic cooking comedy starring Catherine Hate-her Jones and Abigail Breslin, just because I can't help myself. (July 27)

6. Hot Rod, starring SNL's Andy Samberg, Bill Hader, and Chris Parnell, as well as Will Arnett from AD. This viewing will be pending movie reviews, as the plot is potentially super-dumb, but it could be pulled off if done with the right comic approach. (August 3)

Hip-hip hooray for Summer Movies!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

a series of mis-steps

a day into night... wasn't sure if it was because i had too much to drink or i was tired. onecosmo. oneglassofwine. onewhiterussian. a conversation about how you should never use cheap qtips to clean your ear.neverever.thats why things turn bad. and then something about greys anatomy and danish furniture from the 50's and hypoglycemia, chicago. but i'd already agreed to not go home, so i went to move my car off the street, bcs it's one of those wacky pre-gestapo places where unknown cars = crime, and i almost slammed into the car behind me, coincidentally her roommates car- and that would've been bad. following, i pulled up and committed myself to staying and only after a succession of events i realized how badly prepared i was to be stranded on someones couch. no night shirt, no lunch for tomorrow, no cash in my account... i slept in a sweatshirt i had in the trunk, noted that i had floss and listerine strips at least and called it a night.

i woke at an ungodly hour, hoped i hadn't made any mad utterances that could be heard from the living room where i slept and stared out into the fog hanging low in the mountains and rain. my friend was up and told me about all the morning foodstuffs and that i needed her deodorant and perfume asap. in my defense i can't smell very well, it'd been a very long day and i had slept in a sweatshirt. i definitely had that not so fresh feeling but was glad she was willing to tell me so i didn't have to subject the new workplace to my bohemian self. slightly mortifying. pretty amusing. we read a psalms, drank tea, sat in the natural light of the morning and i thought, i hope i don't smell anymore. the roommates petdove chortled from the bathroom.

still not quite awake apparently, i splashed my face with water and gave myself a once over in the mirror. i was the last one to leave and my car was the furthest back from the drive- so i had to manuever it btw the fence and the house. after 5 adjustments to get my car angled right i proceeded confidentally until i glanced in my side mirror just in time to see it about to be wrenched off by the gate. awesome. i don't think it'll ever be the same again. alas. then i figured i had about $3 to spare for gas, since i'm not about to go without lunch. got that, left the flap open and wended my way into the city, going about 50 on a sparcely rained on road the car started fish-tailing in the fastlane and probably unwisely i put on the breaks, or at least i remember letting off the gas first, i hope- so i got the fuck over to the right lane, checked my tires with my mirror and kept going, albiet slowly, into the city. then in the parking garage i got the bright idea to clean off the car. i paused to floss... then after finishing the last swipe of the rag i almost bit it hard as my shoe made contact with a puddle. i had a listerine strip.

after that i started to move thru the day very slowly. i figured the day was conspiring to take me down a peg somehow and my guardian angel was having to work overtime. i sat at my desk and felt a headcold lumming. i acted normally, which involved conversation, a burger with onion rings, talking to talent, getting releases signed, making eyecontact and wondered what awaited me on my drive home.

luckily it passed without incident as i'm still here talking to you, but for a while there i wasn't so sure. that my humanity had risen up to clobber me- that despite the rain and the majestic clouds there was something pulling me into the compost. i'm still glancing warily over my shoulder.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

how Bugs sleep

our trip to Airlie Gardens (until the batteries ran out)

In true (mis)adventure fashion, I had a lovely time at the gardens today, happily snapping away on the camera, all pictures incomprehensibly captured blur-free, and then. Not even a quarter of the way through our walk, my camera batteries died. All the replacements sit in a neat little Costco pile at home. I've lived in ILM six years now, and this is the first time I've ever visited the gardens. Think I'll be back soon? Not likely--unless mendacious comes to visit??

Anywho, here we begin our journey...

All sorts of pretty statues...

and architecture...

and flowers...

Which way do we go, Bug?

Pretty nature, cute little bunny rabbit.

Swan mama (daddy?) and babies, just born this past Saturday...

And here we sadly, prematurely (though majestically) end. The rest will have to remain unshared with the blogger world. The 19th century gravestones, the 400-year-old oak tree. The chapel where the lady wouldn't let us in because she was vacuuming the floors. The sunlit grassy expanses that would be perfect for stretching out on and daydreaming. The tulips and the shamrocks and the weird berry bush that bit my fingertips. Alas. You shall have to live on only in memory. 'Twas a lovely afternoon.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

the need

I'm reading White Oleander, and while my feelings are very mixed up at the moment toward Ingrid (the mother), I can't get this one idea of hers out of my head:

...nobody becomes an artist unless they have to.

I've pondered before, probably somewhere on this blog, the idea of not being interesting and/or tragic enough to be a writer. It's not that I don't have "a story"; maybe I just outgrew that story, or for one reason or another cannot, will not write about it anymore. I could maybe write a whole book for you just about the why not. It did lead me there, though, to writing, I can't disown that.

And I'd like now to be a bigger person who is so filled with the pain of the world, because lord knows there is enough of it, and that would keep me in art. More art, deeper art. But when it's not your pain, even if you can imagine the pain on so many levels, how can you really speak to it. It can't have the weight of your own, you can't know it through and through.

There are people, I guess, with that particular gift or set of talents that enables them to discover others' stories and write them. They are the interviewers, the probers, with a dash of the charismatic and the extrovert. I am not one of those people.

I guess I just wonder sometimes, what's the point: do I need to? Not so much as some people. The things that led me here, even if outgrown and/or no longer mentioned, are still part of me, though, so. And each voice, no matter where it lands on the spectrum, can have its own value.

This is all keeping in mind that I fully consider the blog, this blog, our blog, to be art. Or at the very least, considering the more vapid, reality TV-related posts (all mine, I know), I feel it's important. And yes, needed. Even if it doesn't fully reflect my bleeding soul.

Ha ha ha.

Anyone else, thoughts?

dear email,

I don't know why I can blog, even if sporadically, yet not email anything of wit or length. This new kid is sucking me dry. I feel like napping, feel fairly uninspired. Anyway, to those of you whom I haven't written in days, weeks, months, I'm going to be tackier than a mass email in saying through this blog post: I really will email soon. All is fairly well. I feel all right, just sleepy. Still thinking of you, reading all your blogs if you have them, and hope you're well in Real Life, too.

cyber hugs and kisses,


primerib, scalloped potatos, vile bodies, russian literature, carpool, fly kites, walk, finegrained dust, south over north, shooting, cold snap, rutilant, temerity, supercilious, sore throat, 7:45, dark angel, workout, ren faire, state taxes, rotting water, wet paint, wash hair, exercise ankle, summer of love, new shoes, goggles, ear plugs, discount coupon, wrinkled bed, morning light, water it, blooming, sun.

Monday, April 16, 2007


today i didn't actually get a whole lot done. i thought a lot about things to take pictures of including the built in office phone booth. and also i made the assoc producer(AP) help me look for the roof access to our bldg. FOUND IT. and it's pretty fabulous... now we just need a 'things to do while on the roof list'

also i've analyzed the position of hiebert and it's fairly feng-shui appropriate, my back is to a wall. i've put the orange chair into the (NE)corner on the right and my fav brown chair to its left. i just don't know what to do with the white board in front of me. also... and here is the one downfall of where i am is that people have to constantly walk behind me, ala hallway- and i feel their imposition more than my own bcs they have to get to their offices on my right. which is why they wanted to give me a smaller non hiebert model.

also also how do we deal with dickholes working in the company that espouses integrity as their #1 priority. AP asks me what to do and i feel conflicted btw my give them shit, confront them or as she wants, let it slide and chalk it up to momentary insanity... things said to my AP as she's tried to learn her job by people NOT in our office: "When are you going to start doing things on your own, and stop asking us questions. We're not nice people. I am not a nice person!" and an email: "Sorry, Illbay Axtonpay, isn't feeling it right now, so we're not coming down." It was worse than that but i'm going to have to write this shite down next time. The VP of Programming was in our office when we got the news that Illbay wouldn't be spending 10minutes with us, and 10 minutes only- and he asked her to print out the email and took it with him out of the office. Nice! Apparently he thought it rude and inconsiderate too! I mean she couldn't call?!

So anyway I love my JOB. Sure i doubt my judgement. But it's because i love the AP and i feel i've been working with her for months- which is an awesome feeling and that bread and butter (my exec producers) are the sarcastic disgruntled boys i loved in college... and so far not a red flag to be seen except for all the hostile elements without... but my little nest is nothing but fun so far. hurrah!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Friday, April 13, 2007

some weird (and sometimes bad) things about me

1. I steal food from K.Lo. Pretzels, in particular, like the poor kid needs her snack stolen by The Prego Vulture. Worse, though, is that I feel very little shame. I justify the stealing with: the other baby needs food, too! I'm feeding both my babies, so. And I do always give K.Lo more pretzels, if she still seems hungry.

2. I can tell just by listening how to fill the container. As in, I don't really need to look when filling a glass with water to make sure it doesn't overflow, and I almost always fill the measuring cup to the needed amount without checking. I do check, just to be sure, but yesterday, for instance, I filled the container with milk to exactly 2/3 cup : Look ma, no eyes!

3. I've had Marie Antoinette out from Netflix for 3 weeks. This is about a week past my Watch It or Lose It Limit for movies; if I haven't watched it by 2 weeks, clearly I am not in the mood, I can rent it later, and in the meantime will get something else. But lately, I kind of haven't been in the mood for movies, period. I've been reading books. It's weird.

4. I find myself overthinking my responses in conversation, which of course makes me feel more awkward. Like, would I really say that? I seem to know exactly who I am on paper, i.e. my writing voice is my true voice, in all its many colors. But not in person, so much, at least when I think too hard about it. I guess it's like anything else: don't think, just do.

I guess when I write, I have time to think about what I'm going to say, and how I want to say it, whereas in person, I'm on the spot. I rarely do good with on the spot. And then, with writing, someone can read it and you might never know (and therefore never care) what they think. Whereas, when you're trying to make friends, how you are perceived and received is so much more tangible, immediate, and you might care more what they think. In a lot of ways, you can't care, because you'll drive yourself crazy trying to please everyone. But in other ways, it's impossible not to care unless you have skin made of steel. On some days, my skin is made of paper. On worse days, it's like I'm standing in the rain.

5. Every evening after running the dogs and letting them back in for a drink, I send Bender back outside. Bailey can go out or stay in, whatever she wants, but Bender has to go back out. It's the way she pants and gasps and sputters, I can't stand it. I feel like it's kinder to just make her stay outside for a little bit until she calms down, rather than having her stay inside, soaking the floors, and inspiring violent feelings. Plus, she does love it outside. Was that one justification too many? Okay--done.

Thursday, April 12, 2007


This is something I've been waiting for, for quite a while! And it went totally unnoticed for a whole 7 posts! We made 1,000!!! WHO KNEW! For us in all our eccentricities I'd have to say pretty frickin amazing.

my desk:

his name is hieburt... so says the plaque on the inner part of the right side drawer. they threatened to take hiebert away bcs it's a large desk. i said, please no. it's not my fault they placed me in a pathway.

почему (why)

I've been enjoying Cycle 8 of ANTM, as usual, because clearly I have a weakness for vapid, girly TV. Especially this spring: PCD, ANTM, The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman? I should be embarassed. (And yet, no. No I am not.) So far, I haven't really found a favorite on ANTM, but last night an unlikely model popped to the forefront of my Pick List: Natasha. Natasha?! How odd. Even odder, I kind of like Renee as well. Was it the mom thing? I found myself crying a thousand rivers when a) Renee and Dionne were reunited with their babies, and b) Natasha had a meltdown over not being able to see hers. Luckily, I can play the pregnancy hormone card here, as otherwise I would feel horribly ashamed at my copious weeping.

I don't know if it was the mom thing, and I have to say, even though Renee is growing on me more and more, like a fine bathtub mildew, I do not fully buy her transformation into Nice Girl. Frankly, I don't care whether she's that nice or not; I do appreciate realness. Then there's Natasha, who from the beginning has downright baffled me. Is she a genius, and there's just a language/culture barrier? Dumber than a box of rocks? Why was the concept of "teacher's pet" so difficult to grasp in that one photo shoot? What about the Russian mail-order bride thing. And she's a parent? And a college student? Her husband's over 40, wha? And what is up with that hair, like why's it so big. And the vapid/perky persona she presents at panel, taking every criticism and turning it into a sunshiney compliment. What is the deal. Natasha, you are an enigma.

But she's getting so much better at modeling, is the thing. The bicycle-pumped hair has deflated into a glossy little ponytail, she walks with authoritai. And the photos are getting smart. Whereas people like Jaslene, who started out so fierce, are becoming more vapid, unoriginal, and ho-hum as the weeks go on. Then there's Jael, whose very presence on ANTM befuddles me. Yeah, there were some all right pics in there. But on the whole, I just don't see "model," at all. And every time she speaks all I hear is gruff, jumbly drivel falling out of her mouth. It's easier to decipher Natasha's dialect.

My predictions for top 2 are Brittany (whom I also love, but am disappointed re: the weave, like why couldn't they have done something more exciting after removing the dead squirrel?) and, I'm just going to put it out there, Natasha. Third from the top may be Renee. Or maybe it won't be Natasha, and I'm temporarily delusional/optimistic. Maybe Dionne will get her in-person appearance together and rock out. Maybe Jael will learn to talk. So many questions, so much time enjoyed--um, I mean wasted, in seeing it all unfold.

P.S. to Tyra: Quit using the "persona" names, i.e. Brown, Nata, Nene. They're dumb, and everyone else seems to have forgotten them.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

little person!


  • carousel:11 months past due. what does 31 look like? (suggestions, commentary, where do you turn in the blinking red chip?)

  • at work snacks?

  • stuck in traffic suggestions?

  • state taxes?

  • how much of you do you put on your desk? like maybe a big piece of artwork
  • or?do you flaunt your good looking badge pic?

  • how long should the new adjustment period be exactly?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

an email from my friend danica

This bit of enlightening commentary came by way of a friend who may or may not have a file folder with her name, picture, quotes, quirks and interests outlined along with a diagnosis of the long term, short term prospects of said friendship, and possible problems, high-points encountered there in... i had never thought of myself as such, but i do love a good analysis of me:

"I TOTALLY thought of you and your lists when I read these points on why the book Getting Things Done appeals to geeks: geeks love assessing, classifying, and defining the objects in their world, geeks crave actionable items and roll their eyes at “mission statements” and lofty management patois, geeks like frameworks but tend to ignore rules, geeks are unusually open to change (if it can be demonstrated to work better than what they’re currently using), geeks like fixing things on their own terms, geeks have too many projects and lots and lots of stuff... do they know you so well!? Crazy no?"

yes. yes, thank you.

Monday, April 9, 2007

things I used to worry about as a kid

1. That my house would burn down. I always thought about the things I would grab to save, and pictured my family standing out on the curb in our pajamas, fire engines in the background, flames eating the house. I speculated on how we would face the future with no closets full of clothes and no picture albums to look through. It seemed like the worst possible thing.

2. That I would get head lice.* One of the first indications is itchiness behind the ears, and every time I thought about it, I would feel it was itchy right there. I thought about how I would have to stay home from school and have each strand of my hair examined and combed through and deloused. And how my stuffed animals would have to be put into big plastic bags and suffocated so that all the lice would die. The animals would never be viewed the same. And all the linens would have to be washed, but would it work? Would the little head worms keep coming back? It would make me an outcast, but worse because I wouldn't even be able to live comfortably with myself.

*I'm already dreading the kids going to school, and the inevitable epidemics. How to keep them immune?

3. Dogs. Just in general, I was terrified. I was terrified of dogs of all sizes and breeds. I hated barking (actually still kind of do) because it always made me jump involuntarily (still does). I dreaded going over friends' houses who had dogs because their parents tried but never did an impeccable job of keeping the dog locked away. Whenever I saw a dog out walking, I would cross to the other side of the street, feeling tense in every nerve until I couldn't see the dog anymore. Although I still worried, particularly if the dog was unleashed, that it would hunt me down and find me, terrorize me, before I made it home.

4. Riding the bus, which is unfortunate, because I had to do it every school day. Because we lived out in the sticks, we were always picked up first and dropped off last, so the ride was as long as it could possibly be. With only the preoccupied bus driver to defend you, you were an easy target for public torment. You might have to sit next to someone with Issues: maybe they couldn't stand you, or you just didn't know each other, so it was Awkward, or maybe they smelled like earwax and salami sandwiches. When you were fighting with your friends, it was so much more painfully obvious than in school. If you were caged in with your enemies, you feared attack--verbal ridicule or (especially in junior high) physical assault. In fact, riding the bus was like School combined with Anarchy. It was just plain bad news. And also, just environmentally speaking, the potential for nausea was high. Any day that it rained and the steamy windows had to be up? Or God forbid someone decide to vomit. Then you were really stuck.

5. What we were playing in gym class. Obstacle Course Day=fun! Any game involving the hard red rubber playground balls=not fun. Horrible, in fact, especially Bombardment, which was Dodgeball, except with every ball the PE staff had on hand. Which I couldn't wear my glass for. And I was half blind. And a wuss. Still am. I don't recall ever worrying about being picked last for a team, but I wasn't particularly athletic. I was okay-athletic for elementary school, I think. I liked the games involving the battacas (sp?) where you have to whack each other and free prisoners, etc. Although I hated any game that required wearing a limp, anonymously sweat-soaked pinney in order to distinguish teams. I didn't mind free-throw day with the basketballs, but a full-fledged game? Forget that. Volleyball was okay, so long as it wasn't with the actual volleyball, but an inflatable beach ball, and if it wasn't, then I was only good at serving and then ducking. Did you all ever play four-square volleyball with the ginormous inflatable beach ball that was super-heavy but also satisfyingly bouncy? We played crab style, which got a little tricky after awhile, but it was generally good times. Hated square dancing, but everyone hated square dancing with a flaming passion. In high school, the days I liked best were line dancing, just because it was completely non-threatening, as well as table tennis, and sometimes badminton. Everything else was pretty much a nightmare, especially swimming, because who in the hell could suit up, do whatever inane water activity the teacher had planned, shower off, get into dry clothes, and fix one's hair before the next class started. And let's not forget you have to actually get to the next class on time. We had 40 minute periods, too. Forty minutes. It's just not a lot. And have I mentioned I was half-blind? And I didn't wear disposable contacts then, so I pretty much had to take them out, lest I open my eyes underwater accidentally and lose a $100 pair. So for that, too, all I saw were blurs.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

He is Risen

"I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God: I myself will see him with my own eyes- I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!"
(from the book of common prayer, Job)

Saturday, April 7, 2007

of the ages

here i am, cat crooked to my right side. drink consumed and satiated. anticipating strawberries, sleep, easter outfit. feet crossed, socked, cute shoed, scratch cheek, shuffle hair back-forth. crack thumb. think back to drive home. think mythical. fog low in the canyon but the road's not dark. winding down-thru the mountain. byzantine voices resound something soul stirring profound. last moment of a movie, something sad or dying off. become apprehensive about the lines, about cars approaching, about going too fast and the rounding curves in the road. i couldn't write a death better. a denouement. but beautiful, seducing to a stop awarness. as the world warps around me, calls me upward. the credits roll. now home, wanting warm-hot water, submerged and reborn. tv's quiet and arm itches, just waiting to break the moment, i set the computer down.

Friday, April 6, 2007

how she hung herself

Lisi is outta there, and I could care less. Bye, Lisi! Have a good life. Have fun picking the person who wants to win a million dollars. Talk about wishy-washy. After Ravu lost the Immunity Challenge, yet again, Lisi confessed that her tribemates were a bunch of losers, and she was sick of it. I was mildly surprised, though, to see her then appeal to Alex that she was done. I mean, it's one thing to be sick of your tribemates, and to be down about losing every freaking challenge. (Although, what about her earlier comment re: not taking Reward Challenges seriously? For that alone, she deserved the boot.) It is totally another to just check out of the game. It's like, super, Osten. Go for it. Not sad to see you go.

Think about the process it takes to get on Survivor. Lengthy, I'm sure, rigorous, and super-selective. In many cases, I assume you would have to quit your job. You're there to play for a million dollars; unless there's a legitimate health reason, you might as well stick it out. But Lisi's even bigger mistake was later reneging on her desire to leave. Sorry, Lisi, but we can't "cut you a break." You just can't do that. It's one thing to say, in a moment of weakness, you know, I'm tired of this. Or, You know, I could really go for some mashed potatoes. But she made a whole speech, convinced the skeptical Alex that there was no talking her out of it.

Dreamz did quite beautifully defending himself at Tribal Council, I thought, despite some of his questionable word choices ("recipitation?). I am so proud to say that K.Lo will also one day attend New Hanover County schools and learn all about "sharlakas," or whatever the hell he said instead of "soliloquy." He verbally cornered Lisi with the simple question, "Do you want to be here?" and she couldn't, or wouldn't, answer. At that point, lying, just saying yes, would have helped her save face, but instead she clammed up, making her indecision evident. And you can't be indecisive about wanting to stay on Survivor.

So, have fun with Rocky, Lisi, on your Fijian vacation. In the meantime, can't wait to see the crew move to the Land of Sea Snakes next week. Except, does that mean no one will have a chance to find the fake I.I.? Bummer.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

the job: expounded on (another obsession)

pondering and philosophizing and lamenting (long-winded) about the "job" (more accurate description of said 'job' coming later)

well okay, you've been hearing about it a lot. and its been a saga that started about 3 1/2+ years ago the minute i graduated and moved back to LA. and this vacuum of purposeless existence took over.

i said, um, so really- the entertainment industry? really? but that's beside the point. since not unlike my love life, the right jobs have been brief and ultimately elusive: i have a provoking personality. i don't play games. i can't stand micro-managing. i hate wasting my time and become resentful when i am not being used effectively. i don't do well in cubicled areas. i don't do well with people who only know the phrase "letter of the law" or don't question author-itay and are in any other way moronic and non-communicative, passive aggressive, antagonistic or evil. people might conclude that i attract this sort of drama or am so contentious that makes myself a target for being FIRED... which has actually only happened 4 or 5 times over a span of 13+ years. of course 2 of which were last year--- coincidentally. which i really think was an evil plot by satan to drive me into despair- when i worked at pottery barn he did the same thing. so i am used to his antics.

before grad school i understood what it was to be in charge, what it was to be a leader and to invest all your time and energy into something. i worked in the theatre. i was a stage manager and mostly beloved by many for my hard work and servant's heart, and was teased often for wanting to run the company i worked for (and often i did think maybe? someday?). then i went to grad school and all of a sudden i was groupless and not in charge or responsible for anything. and after all of it- those years of nothing but committed hours i snapped and have shirked responsibility of that kind for a very long time. coming back and still being adverse to delving back into theatre which was a sort of automatic outlet- has left me wandering for purpose and a part of myself, and what i miss, is being in charge of something and being needed and integral and without it i find myself empty & off balance.

for however small, i was in charge of the kids section at the national bookstore chain. and i got satisfaction from my autonomy, my ability to get away with reading in the section, and the care i took to maintain it and the compliments i got for it and ultimately the few friends i made despite all my angst. i can't believe after all of it that "they" liked me and are sad to see me go... and that if she's to be believed, she'd hire me back in a heartbeat- and i think bcs it's easier to bear- this short notice- since i start monday- is that i'm going to come in a few hours on the weekend to "help out", sort of oversee the disaster, and do what i can and not abandon ituntil they hire someone. oh, and- i get to keep my discount.

the 5 month mark is an odd one because just this last week i'd clicked into permanence, without intending to. i kept surfing internet sites, telling people with a shrug i was still under-employed but had relaxed and gone about my mind numbing business with a shrug... then friday i got a call saying "your name came up in conversation" (bcs of an interview a month 1/2 ago whom i never! heard from!!) and "come down for a PA position"... and then i got home and saw it posted on my networks jobforum and was like- well they called me after all.- but what the hell?! and then back to- that has to mean something. i went in with low expectations, thought after all these interviews of my short lifetime that it was just yet another audition. only to find they sort of had i think pretty much made up their minds- they didn't once look like they were judging me, trying to 'figure me out,' or eye me suspiciously, but existing with me in the same spot and after 25 minutes saying, well the job's yours if you want it... i sat agape!

and the producers are both gorgeous looking and everyone seems relaxed- they didn't even think my education was a strange thing. they nodded like it was something they'd considered. they uttered the words "possiblity of advancement"... what?! and things like, "is there anything we're forgetting to tell's not very exciting, do you still want it?" i said... as long as i'm busy and i like what i'm working for, i'm not looking for fireworks. which is funny that'd i'd even have to explain it- which is a lot... they look at my resume or something and assume i want action and glamour. .. like maybe i'm used to it or something... i don't know. they feel bad about employing me to such a humble position. and that's nice but spare me. we all have to start somewhere and i've been waiting for almost 4 years to start somewhere. and i pray i can start here... that i've hitched my cart correctly to the corresponding track...none of my doing. and that in this shabby industrial building from the 50's with its long ass hallways and creepy stairways that i will be needed and valued and wanted... and that possibly i can entrench myself here- if only for an initial 4 1/2 months... but not just another wheelinacog but something more with a face and a name and a we can't let you go mendacious because you matter to us.

pen's obsessions du jour

1. the stomach: green/not green, full/not full, swishy/stable? when can the questions cease.

2. fla-vor-ice pops, my box of 200.

3. friday night lights, kyle chandler's smolder, and how if this show is cancelled, i might really cry.

4. certain reality game show contestants: the enigma that is Sanjaya. how Mindy Doo looks like Shrek! (freaking genius.) how Jael is still not only on ANTM, but a front runner, when she doesn't look like a model to me at all. is Renee evil? is Natasha a genius, or dumber than a box of rocks. Alex on Survivor, and how he must win it all. Mirna and Chmirna, and when they will go down.

5. understanding each other: it has to take a network, it doesn't seem like any one person can "get" it all?

bonus: Doug on Work Out, and how at 44, he died. haunting. and do they really capture his coworkers' reaction/the aftermath on film? stay tuned next week?

I tag: MyBiz, Incredible, kudzu, hats, and Cue.

walking Bug

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

My List of: not so interesting obsessions

obsessions re-considered due to bad writing...

1. friends: i've considered putting a binder together with their pictures and profiles. i'm that intrigued about who they are and why they are and getting to know them and never ever letting them go- i'm getting better at not smothering my bunnies but still.

2. my own narcissism: i have a file folder full of tests from and various personality tests. i read thru them and nod at how true they are- okay, well i used to... now reading articles, horoscopes or dsm-v diagnosis guidelines usually satisfy me.

3. jobs: having one, getting one, leaving one...

4. contentment: am i satisfied? why? why not? is that okay? is that NOT okay? discuss.

5. protein: it's more that because i'm hypoglycemic, meat becomes impt and so does everyone elses blood sugar levels, hydration and amount of sleep... and how much food effects the body...

(pen, please do contribute your own list; )

Tuesday, April 3, 2007


I got a job. . . um, wow. seriously.

Monday, April 2, 2007


ring-marked to the right.
water-wept and stained.
she stands.
and unfamiliar.
massages slowly,
her left hand.
eyes fixed-
brush crumbs from breast.
(she cannot name it)
and looks as cars pass
to signify an answer.
one follows
to her inner ear,
a source of her latent apprehension.
(rock to a window).
but she cannot hear.
stands idly by,
transfixed to
the hum of the running hose.
(unfolded eyes glance out)
she hopes,
like the dawn
birthed soon, and expected.
but now
and cold
she waits.
the dark blue
of morning
holds her.