Thursday, December 29, 2011

pen’s 100

1. a loving-and-not-wrathful God

2. grace

3. you – yes, you

4. e-pals whom I’d be wholly lost without

5. introversion

6. the ability and desire to make personal resolutions throughout the whole year

7. j-lo’s humor, patience and love

8. k-lo’s smiles, stories, imagination, sociability

9. n-lo’s sweetness, humor, quietness, independence

10. the gift of words, however questionable in value

11. family who I love and love me back

12. family who I love and remain mysterious entities – bc now we can ponder human nature in full depth…

13. bender and bailey – oh, bender and bailey! together and apart.

14. trees. hardwoods. branches. their composition against the sky.

15. cloud patterns, infinite

16. hills. mountains. even flat land sometimes.

17. YA novels and other books that are a balm to my soul

18. shows that literally make me laugh out loud. parks&rec, office, newgirl, himym, I’m thinking of you

19. knowledge and its crazy-accessibility

20. forgiveness

21. this blog

22. the revival of our writing group and cath as the hammer

23. my christmas tree, and the personal history of ornaments it contains

24. book club

25. church community

26. baby jesus

27. stars, so many of them – and the fact that I can see them

28. camping

29. ability to connect with friends old and new, far and near, online. miraculous really.

30. pinning

31. tweeps

32. the onion. funny or die. comedy is so not dead.

33. fresh, like really fresh, produce

34. prospective garden

35. this quiet street

36. k’s school

37. n’s school

38. chocolate sea salt caramels and that I got a bunch for christmas

39. an rx that actually works. most of the time.

40. aldi

41. recognizing god’s design, I really see it sometimes

42. music – and so accessible

43. libraries

44. free apps

45. trips

46. the teachers in our lives, both old and new

47. that n-lo’s greatest joy in life is making a new batch of jell-o

48. that k-lo is so much cooler and more socially adept than I ever was

49. cheese

50. that jason segal made a new muppets movie

51. fraggles exchanging a very special rock on their christmas. yes.

52. sunrises that I can see from my kitchen window every day, esp in winter

53. coffeeeee

54. the ability to exercise even if I don’t always wanna

55. opposable thumbs

56. contact lenses – the technology!

57. that I love to cook – this shouldn’t be taken for granted really

58. wine

59. gummy vitamins that don’t make me ill

60. caprese salad

61. samples “lunch” at the price club

62. they still sell i-cees! blue and red! at the gas station up the street!

63. bonfires

64. knowing many people who truly love bonfires

65. holy spirit whispers

66. stained glass, sunlit

67. snark/sarcasm – which to quote lane does not become me but sustains me

68. yoga poses, which I’ll come to know again one day

69. my gift of mercy, developed deeply over the years

70. my educational degrees, however questionable in value

71. this: 2 over-easy eggs on warm/buttered toast with fresh tomato slices on top and a sprinkling of salt, pepper and hot sauce. yes.

72. scarves

73. varying church service styles, learning to appreciate the form and nuances of each – although I’m still resistant to the grape juice thimbles. really.

74. a mailbox with a functional flag

75. clean air to breathe, even deeply when I remember to

76. the ability to cut my own and my family’s hair

77. the word “wonder” and the desire to seek it out

78. that andy on the office had a shelf of carolers like me

79. dwight’s homage to trans-siberian orchestra

80. entertainmentweekly magazine and the unexpected subscription from my longlost brother

81. that j.lo gave me a blanket for christmas bc mine is a complete rag. and that its rag status bothered him waay more than it bothered me.

82. the complete gilmore series

83. fondue, just the fact of it

84. katniss everdeen

85. that leaching is no longer a common practice (i.e. i am grateful for modern medicine)

86. eggrolls, especially the crunchy ends

87. cookie bars, especially the gooey middles

88. goodreads

89. that fall is my favorite season again

90. the prospect of snow

91. the love of spring

92. defying the norm to hate summer

93. running water, the miracle and commodity of that

94. word games with friends

95. rarely having to buy children anything – clothes toys etc they’ve been so covered

96. brilliant authors

97. hope, however full of shadows

98. online photo filters

99. city energy that can occasionally be indulged

100. the sweet feeling of relief at arriving home. even from the grocery store.

101. making it to 100 and feeling like there is more, much more

Monday, December 26, 2011


Additional glimpses, pen's dwelling ~

Sunday, December 25, 2011


As i talk to you there are two guys on our lawn with drinks in their hands talking about my father's packard- as if the lawn was common property and the car on some sort of display. It's too bad my father isn't here otherwise he'd hobble out in a minute to talk to them about the glories of packard or at least dispense with yes, and no, and well actuallies...but come in satisfied that buying the car really isn't a thorn in all our sides. so maybe it's better the parents are elsewhere.

I'm half drowsy with sleep and decided for whenharrymetsally over apocalypto although neither really christmas satisfactory. And before that my dad's tenant came with a package and i had my hair up in a buntrumpador type style- he said, aw, youre sweet. As if arriving at some assessment over long trying to picture what i might be like, and found me amusing. I thought after catching sight of myself in the mirror that i looked ridiculous. And before that the neighbors granddaughter brought their homemade tamales to us in exchange for some shortbread cookies... dessert tamales, spicy tamales, standard delicious tamales. Peripherally I am surrounded by parties, presents and cheer, and despite my fresh baked apple pie, and the prime rib i had last night, i feel it all sort of grazing me but not quite penetrating. My uncle even offered to buy me a laptop offhandedly when i said no, my parents haven't offered to buy me one yet... and i was startled and thankful but it didnt' seem real. It still doesn't.

Maybe i'm in some sort of negativity bubble. It's possible. Suffering under the slog of un-gratitude? The two things i want for christmas, a phone and a job contract and neither have come yet. I'm a tyrant when waiting. I can see that books point exactly- dismissing all the good things one by one like that little girl at the party looking for the one thing that won't come... I had almost escaped the longing of all the presents until sarah was like, no presents? nothing? uh, no. i'm going to have to make jesus a gf cake next year. And determinedly focus on him... and yet what happens when my heart is impenetrable? i mean it's not but you know what imean. when i stop to think about the fudge i'm going to get and that things will change? and the the list and all the rest... it's the stopping and breathing part. it's the being in the present part. yes. that's the thing. Danica's mom was talking about how speaking gratitude and things your grateful for is scientifically now- proven to make new grooves in your brains cortex... new tracks, the good, making them deep and wide, speaking them over and over brings light into being... not for nothing.

well anyway. i turned it back to apocalypto and am rapidly losing focus. goodbye for now and merry christmas dear one.


Friday, December 23, 2011

christmas decor,

hello my darling penelope, i'm up later than i should be admiring how well my manicure is holding up. under 2 top coats. it was a good choice. the pink is softer than i'd like but it'll do. i did it myself of course. oh and yes, did a full treatment of the 'nads'... it worked amazing on my legs, and hurt like hell on my underams but it works like a dream. and i can imagine getting good at it or if i ever have money am now convinced waxing is fun... but it's not great on my sideburns and the dreaded face hair but oh well. it killed a couple hours while i distractedly pasted the goo on and got my fingers sticky. i know you wanted to know. all that talk on the sub-conscious and gratitude...

as suggested: ok, so this is all the christmas cheer i can take i think- though i've even been listening to christmas music if you would buhlieve-- distractedly as i sit by the computer and WAIT. i know its small consolation that you and i are living out advent in real time.

i'm more in love with this tree then i've been in love with anything in a while. i literally smile everytime i see it. i sigh when i turn the lights on. i want to hug it everytime i come near it. love i tell you. love.

you will note the kitty in the tree. mom predicted she would climb it and yes, there she is summiting bravely.

find the kitty...

this is the copper nativity i did- it's small- 1/2 dollar size, and the sparkly star- mmm glitter, mom made the form for. i did not get a good pic of the camels and the wisemen amber did but they were good too. i know, it was, well it all is a shocking display of productivity after months of not much... i do mean months. so the fact i did a couple necklaces, did my nails, made pillows and moved some plants around, and put up lights is saying something.

 mom made these and they're fantastic- amber's idea and then mom expertly executed... she is good at the small christmas gift... and i've just decided my freedom lies in not thinking about what to give whom no matter how much i love them. maybe one day... but anyway onto christmastide and 2012.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

dear subconscious,

well I’m glad you’re listening at all times, really – and to so promptly field my complaint of “boring dreams” suggests the potential for exemplary customer service. I’ll put in a word with the Manager. But honestly, I could have done without last night’s series, in which:

  • a friend threw me not one but two baby showers (aghhh. no.), two nights in a row. one for in-town friends, one for long-lost friends.
  • a guest gifted me a set of spatulas at one said shower, and I’m still not sure whether she was confused about the occasion, or why no one advised her against the purchase, since they all had gone shopping together.
  • we hosted a bbq at our house in which random guests appeared – our realtor, Chris K@ttan of SNL and The Middle fame
  • Chris K@ttan cried about his life. he wore a red sweater. with a reindeer on it.
  • we semi-stalked a gay neighbor couple on a walk one day and stopped by their house, pretending we were regular friends – because we liked their deck. which they were staining. with a giant airbrush-type contraption. and one of the guys new we were imposters but was perfectly fine with our company, but the other guy faked his way through the conversation, pretending that he did know us and that we were in fact long-time friends. but wasn’t mad when we later confessed we weren’t and just wanted to be their friends.
  • we scoped their house for architectural inspiration
  • we tried to return a pitcher and a cooler at the bbq, but no one would claim them
  • it may or may not have been christmas, or a housewarming, at the bbq. I feel like it was both?
  • I feel like we weren’t actually hosting a bbq – but ppl showed up
  • I drove around on the highway in the town I grew up in. looking for…? taking in the scenery

It’s not that they were particularly stressful. Yet I’m perplexed and wouldn’t mind several more hours of sleep to recover.



Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Pen challenged me to come up with a list, since we're reading 'the good and beautiful God', which so far reads like a reminder if not a full explanation of very true things. It's a taste, or more like a hint of flavor, a bit heavily watered down but palatable? I don't know. Truth. It's working, generating some conversation- since Pen and I struggle so much in trying to communicate... so here it is. My thoughts on Gratitude...

IT IS an antithesis to expectation. It acknowledges the knowing, and being known. It seems it's heart is suffering, with a soul of God is Trustworthy. But I don't like talking about it. It seems a tender almost too private thing. It's like a gift that shouldn't be given on command or just because. When spoken without the story, it lies idle and dies, pictureless. It's too easy.

I pretty much reject it the minute anyone says that I should just go ahead and list what I'm grateful for like a build up to thanksgiving or as a just think, you could be way worse off- which always seemed to me a warped set of reasoning. I sense that to be obedient and disciplined I'd make practice of looking toward the good like i should. In doing so it protects me from the dark and that navel gazing self-destruction of dissatisfaction. Which i admit, for me has crescendoed this year, in the I can bear it no longer category. But I want to come toward it with sincerity. With feeling. Authenticity? I don't want the pain to be rebuffed, or the questioning either- I've done it, and will to other people, because when there is no answer, what else can you do. Direct them toward the light. It is hard to mourn and grieve with others without going a step further into bitterness. When your heart turns and sets in a brittle way that it was never meant to be- so we sidestep. It's hard to ride the road of the psalmist- with their weary bones, and their beseiged by the enemy, and the cry of Lord, are you with us? Where are you? TO...the final end of the passage when they say, walk and wait in the Lord, because He hears me and He is Good.

Everyone's cup of suffering, I think, is unique to them, and what one can bear destroys another. I guess i don't want my gratefulness to destroy the struggle, the tension-- the journey? I'm going through it. I don't want to stop and list off the things that keep me from drowning, because i don't know- it won't ever be enough to sustain me. It keeps me buoyant and light, with a beveled edge, but like suffering it's only the part and not the whole. Poor gratitude. I want to keep it unacknowledged. And it can be breathtaking- the vista- all the things in life that draw you in and keep you there-  when you look toward them, when you nurture and foster the light and hope of things-- but to me freedom, and that is what i want, contentment in all or inspite of circumstance-- and that is a hard road of leaving behind and arriving, and waiting. It is not an easy trust for sometimes faithless creatures. And sometimes I just need to imbibe it and not express it. I need to keep the still tender and fragile thing there until I can step back from the distance and the long line of time and say, this is the record of God's goodness.

But so far, and for now,

  1. the glow of the lights on the christmas tree, the reflection of light on the bulbs. because it's the universe. it's the whole intricate mess of creation.
  2. my cats: the instinctual, trust to be built, looking at you and ascertaining, and building over time as the two natures of us and them collide and come together. those eyes. that twitch of the tail.
  3. my mom, the sustainer and keeper and signal of God's provision for me. the burden seems heavy and i unworthy.
  4. the mountains, sugared with snow, stark and hot against the blue, or dappled in all shades- it reminds me that God is outside of time, that they wait for Him as we wait for Him.
  5. prime rib, He created us to taste, and i thank these cows for their sacrifice everytime.
  6. my friends, not less important than primerib, but they are a reflection of God's knowing, of his creativity, of His delight. they are my most important relationships. even if i were to be married he would not surpass them in their importance.
  7. my car- she's just beautiful. she goes.
  8. the reflection of light as the sun comes west- reminds me of magic and of things unseen- of shadows and dancing movement.
  9. my garden - God's infinite variety, intricacy, specificity, order and chaos.
  10. hot water, demanding i drop what holds me up and knots me in the day
  11. my computer, to communicate, i want, and explore
  12. television, books, movies... there it is the world, we can't look away
  13. praying for people, talking to God, has always been a favorite- there is always so much to say even without a word
  14. salt, flavor bursts.
  15. sugar, enhances
  16. fruit- canNOT get enough. not ever. it's a gift. it's a sign of things to come.
  17. the santa ana winds, mystical calling forth, ushering, whipping through, they come unseen
  18. el nino- it rains, it does, it will come.
  19. the LA river, bird life, reminds me we are literally NOT a desert
  20. California, i am of the land, she is in me, and in the fiber of my being
  21. my ancestory- the web, how time passes, how things move and seperate, what it creates, the history it leaves in it's wake
  22. my hands to type
  23. my mouth to speak
  24. the phrase: ex abundatia enim cordis os loquitor (out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks)
  25. the bible-- what a passage of love, what a saga, what an inspired word
  26. Jesus, he was not just a teacher, or a good person, he was both human and divine and he died for us
  27. the holyspirit, my communicator, my guide, my counselor, who knows when words and groans cannot express
  28. God- there He is. I cannot explain him.
  29. the trinity- there they are altogether. it is inexplicable.
  30. trees, shade- life, roots and all sorts of analogies. hug worthy alway
  31. art supplies- who knew you could render the world in such infinite ways
  32. jet planes, because of that john denver song and because of wunderlust
  33. glitter- call it dust, call it a sign of all things heavenly
  34. just laundered bedsheets, stepping into that newness makes me feel wholly secure and a bit giddy. i'mnot sure why.
  35. waterfalls- i imagine it must be what God's glory looks like
  36. the beach because it reminds me i am small and a part of something bigger
  37. the mountain where i belong and am among and close enough to touch
  38. nails, because i love to pick and scratch
  39. eyes, hazel, to gaze, to ponder, like ears
  40. hymns, at christmas freely express
  41. ecclesia's home, that old pagan temple to the gods of entertainment redefined
  42. mirrors, but not too closely and not all the time
  43. teeth, to play with, like toes, like chin hairs
  44. 7 continents, something solid and sure about the map
  45. dolphins for making me cry when i see them leaping in the wild, because they are
  46. dragons and knowing they must exist like unicorns, for their fierce flyingness and the fire thing that's cool too
  47. music in general expresses emotion, come herald the morning with a sweet song
  48. the way birds call and sing and fly- how focused, and about their lives they are
  49. the lilies of the field, because i know how He cares for them though they live and die in a matter days
  50. gardening, helps me stay connected to every analogy of such thingsin the Bible, a deep rooted understanding of stewardship, of caring for the land and the need to care for what is good in life, and the absolute way in which the dark can infiltrate-
  51. dreams, God has us sleeping 1/3 of ourlives. makes me think i must be doing something while i'm lying there that has nothing to do with this reality.
  52. little bits of things like origami bunnies, metal miniature etruscan horses, walnunts, dried oranges, leather purses, pictures, small bottles, feathers- the fascinating minutia
  53. recounting the ordinary, that is where the life is
  54. feet and hands, the record of someone so vital it rarely is recorded
  55. wax, for candles, for feeling and burning and smelling and tactile loveliness, for polishing and enhancing
  56. the sun, how it rises and sets
  57. the darkblue glow before dawn, which to me is too pale, and that dark blue of prelight is where i like to live best
  58. antiques, because of history, of story, of things that have come and will yet be
  59. the written word, what a transaction
  60. car washes because they are silly
  61. mariokart because who doesn't want to race the world?
  62. xbox where in i defeat ultimate evil or a gang of thugs, because that is right and it is good
  63. the cello because i cannot play it but love the sound, so one day i will try just to touch it and know what it would be if i could and did
  64. french, for the music of language, and how things once foreign can become known
  65. it is the same with shakespeare, i can be bounded in a nutshell and think myself a king of infinite... but denmark, is a prison...
  66. to the lighthouse- it grabs me that ennui
  67. like proust, who goes on and on, and never quite grasps
  68. archaeology for people who love to examine layers
  69. dinosaurs because they were- it's habitat enrichment for humans
  70. snow, for the way it transforms
  71. empty city streets, jay walking, rollerblading, idly strolling, pondering disaster
  72. the taste of flourless chocolate cake, divine, consuming, rapture
  73. hummingbirds because they are too small and they go too fast, but when they take notice of you the whole world stops
  74. chapstick and lotion, tending to the lips and skin
  75. and gum for when you want to be productive
  76. and meditating when you finally decide to rest and give it up to Him who gave you life
  77. lists, for all that they are in their tyranny and beauty of there it goes one after the other
  78. organization, aesthetic heaven, it's all coming together, the knowing of things
  79. the crunch of kettle chips deafen but can't stop making loud sounds because i have to
  80. like wind chimes, and bucket drums
  81. for the mineral composition of everything in the universe
  82. for people who seek impossible things, in delight and not slavery
  83. for people who make it better and not worse
  84. for carbonation, the fresh bite, the quench ahh
  85. like bandaids and aloe plants that heal and cover and protect
  86. like the solid front door and the substantial mantle
  87. for wood floors that gloss and glide and reassure me
  88. anything bbq, and cravings for longisland iced teas and certain types of martinis
  89. quotable movies and good comedies
  90. finally angels, they must exist, they do, there they are,
  91. for the unexplained feelings of things we know to be true but can't record
  92. what Love must be
  93. what joy signals
  94. the shadow of things to come
  95. the feeling of finished things, of pushing through and accomplishing
  96. the journey because i must
  97. my chair
  98. my blog
  99. the revelation of truth, the shattering of secrets
  100. the voice...

Friday, December 16, 2011


i'm a bit jealous of your lists. i dont' even want to dip into the horror of 2011. bodo died. shingles. no more govt. cheese. the one shining highlight was Chicago and the fast i think in August. i mean who doesn't love mystical calls written in chocolate and thinking yes, korea! so it's not that there weren't good things? but shudder. (aw what about twist and mortimer, awww.) then i thought, wait, so i relooked at your lists and they're objects, not events so i could do that- but i dont even know if i can remember. did i even read that many books? maybe you could give me some questions re: 2011- the supposed year of transition? did i make that up or was it on a fortune cookie? hmm. i'll get to pics of the decorations... but my phone is on the blitz. when the pic chip is working the center buttons for texting and answering calls is out... can't it just hang on a bit longer. no? meanwhile dad wants me to help him tidy up the new house for christmas money in a gross lack of understanding of my if it could get any worse financial condition. but i will. but only when no one is looking, like an elf. maybe what he means by xmas money is bills? i dont know.

oh and in my self-indulgent malaise- i can't buh-lieve i went through 4 days without mentioning the stellar christmas, i'm at the right-hand of my father in glory, jesus danica got. mine is hanging out in the heart of his ministry. getting dirty and doing what he does best. but her's has the whole world in his hands. pretty amazing.

so what else- eating kettle chips. watching a parker posey movie called partyGirl. she's jobless in new york without parents. lessons learned all around you know.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

books 2011

sometimes I think I don’t take enough time to read, but really, cataloguing the list, that can’t be true. and that is a good thing, since I love books. they’re my favorite. here’s a top 10 of what I read this year, and the rest. book-wise, 2011 was a good year, filled with #goodreads. Heavily themed in post-apocalyptic YA fic (thanks, Katniss). And with several teen-boy protagonists, many of them gay, randomly? (thanks, David Levithan) all of them thoroughly delightful. And (obviously) some vampires/other supernatural awesomeness.

bookfession1. The Hunger Games trilogy, by Suzanne Collins ~ was so resistant. but wasn’t it so worth it? yes, yes it was.

2. Ready Player One, by Ernest Cline

3. Will Grayson, Will Grayson, by David Levithan and John Green

4. Once Upon A River, by Bonnie Jo Campbell

5. An Abundance of Katherines, by John Green

6. Dash & Lily’s Book of Dares, by David Levithan and Rachel Cohn

7. Beautiful Creatures and Beautiful Darkness, by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl (first and second in series)

8. Matched, by Allie Condie (first in a series)

9. Sisterhood Everlasting, by Ann Brashares (probably belongs higher in the list, but I’m still mad about it. #letsbehonest)

10. It’s Kind of a Funny Story, by Ned Vizzini

11. (Because there can’t just be 10) Beastly, by Alex Flinn


also, in no particular order:

  • Divergent, by Veronica Roth (first in a series, def reading the rest)
  • Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, by David Levithan and Rachel Cohn
  • Naomi & Eli’s No-Kiss List, by David Levithan and Rachel Cohn
  • Evermore, by Alyson Noel (first in a series, will consider the rest)
  • Feed, by M.T. Anderson
  • Wither, by Lauren DeStefano (first in a series, definitely reading the rest)
  • My Name is Memory, by Ann Brashares (better be the first in the series; an across-the-room chucker)
  • Boy Meets Boy, by David Levithan
  • Awaken, by Katie Kacvinsky (part 1 of a series, will likely read the rest)
  • City of Bones, by Clare Cassandra (first in a series, not touching the rest)
  • Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, by Lisa See
  • Maine, by J. Courtney Sullivan (beautifully written, but a huge narrative disappointment)
  • Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick (first in a series, not touching the rest)
  • House of Night series, by P.C. and Kristin Cast – through book # 8


and, my book club books! which I feel belong on their own list:

The Weight of Silence, by Heather Gudenkauf

Second Glance, by Jodi Picoult

The Help, by Kathryn Stockett (rightful place is in the Top 10)

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, by Rebecca Skloot

Pomegranate Soup, by Marsha Mehran


finally, the “started but didn’t finish” (various reasons)

Crossed, by Allie Condie (was overdue, will check out again soon)

Girl Meets God, by Lauren F. Winner (timing – extremely picky about non-fic)

Modelland, by Tyra (because it sucked. wait, that’s not fair. because I don’t love campy humor and models mixed together.)

The Future of Us, by Jay Asher and Carolyn Mackler (because it was neither as surprising nor delightful as I wanted it to be. and I really wanted it to be)

The Lover’s Dictionary, by David Levithan (will return, esp after winning endorsement from ChiCath - just wasn’t the right time)

a group of “pretty good, but ultimately too young, even for my usual YA fare:

  • Every Soul a Star, by Wendy Mass
  • Parrotfish, by Ellen Wittlinger
  • Black Sheep, by Yvonne Collins

Thirteen Reasons Why, by Jay Asher (saturated in suicidal selfishness)

The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak (because it’s narrated by Death, whose voice is entirely too false-charming)

The Year We Left Home, by Jean Thompson (breach of contract w/ author re: characters)

and one with eggs on the cover, can’t remember the name (because main character insulted Asheville and mountain landscapes in general. we just weren’t going to get along.)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

m ~

When did we decide that exercising was completely overrated and possibly unnecessary? Like it doesn’t have any effect. It would be like refusing to acknowledge that mold can grow. Or that short hair doesn’t stay short forever. Which, incidentally, I hope isn’t true, because it’s completely higher maintenance, contrary to popular belief. I battle little sticky-uppies constantly. And they are not easily tamed.

But back to the exercise. No wait, I haven’t really solved that issue yet. Nevermind.

Project this week! Blog project! Blogject: Let’s post pictures of our lovely holiday d├ęcor. I mean, I’ve posted a few, and I’ve seen your pics in an email. But let’s put them all here, on this blog. Like the old days. Because since when are we back to plain old email with a little texting thrown in? Shouldn’t the world be privy to our conversation? Right then, let’s get on with it.

And yes, I totally mailed it, and mostly on time. Dec 1 to be exact. And if I remember correctly the open date is tomorrow? I want to hear the result! Demanding photo documentation! The world demands it!

Oh and we’re reading a book together! Which you can have on audio, btw, if we do that itunes file-sharing thingy J.Lo spoke of. I’m becoming one of those cute out-of-the-loop people when it comes to technology, I swear. Because frankly it makes me tired. And why not just ride coattails when it comes to setting up new services and signing up for new accounts and learning the ins and outs of blah blah blah and then it all changes again. But file-sharing. I think I could walk you through? Or else we’ll vid-chat again w/ J.Lo present.

My toes are cold and there’s church tomorrow. So I’m thinking about a nicewarmbed…

love to you,


Wednesday, December 7, 2011


why did we both decide lists and working out are pointless? we might be a little too symbiotically tied together. how did we start syncing together in our destructive qualities? both simultaneously signalling a passage through grief and endless waiting. of things ending. of calling it quits. of wondering when the year of the dragon is going to come thundering on in and blaze up new and good. it beats months of paralysis and plummeting into despair and negative balances.

as i sit typing, my twist sneezed and is chasing a small piece of sausage around the house. she most recently found a way out of the terminally cheap and illrepaired screendoor. i got her back before she got too far since the new passage out of the house had her senses all tremulous and freaked. as a sidenote i left the sausage burning on the stove while i went to get dad a pair of washing gloves for his workers? (it tasted fine anyway) who apparently as he says, never have squares or pencils or basic supplies responsible craftsman have. i guess that's what you get for hiring illegals? or hiring people who hire illegals? no work finesse/nuance?. for instance pedro just dropped off worker x and said, "clean the tiles"... i'm not sure what that involves but there it is. and if the guy knew what he was there for- it goes down to the question of art vs. hashing it out right and getting it done? hack job vs. skilled hands? do you have a love for it...does it matter? i think even small things can translate to love and care. like baking- no one wants to eat bitter lemon bars and hate filled gluten free cupcakes. so that when you say i made this or i built this, was it built with love? or greed? or avarice or lust for frosting? but i digress. did you mail it yet by the way? how is something intangible like love so important in creating things?

so, the job search continues. damon is convinced kang and he will help me find something in jeju if i want, but there are seoul jobs right now. and as we know seoul is out. there's a big warning flag there. but they wont be able to help until mid-january!? which means no job until feb. granted i know december can go fast and as a result january will go just as fast but come on now. jeju himself seems to think this is the case but i think i need to break up with him anyway. he is so not into me. i did just last night manage to get an interview for a job on jeju based on the cover i sent you all on my own!. also apparently jeju is known for it's strong and independent women? hmm. it's a sign right? i dont know have any research done though on how to interview with canadian expats married to koreans so... we'll see.

hmm besides that- i garlanded the house. it's taken me 3 days to accomplish 3 things on the list i made. one thing a day i guess? today and it's only 11 is looking dicey. maybe 1 thing but i can't promise more. saying i'm going to do the lights is probably paramount to a lie. ok, back to my vampire prosecuter korean drama.


Monday, December 5, 2011

blank pages/things i’ve learned 2011

I feel like I’ve managed to talk myself out of the importance of writing it down. Kind of like how I’ve managed to convince myself that exercise is completely unnecessary. Oh, silly human mind. But now that I’ve crossed over to those dark sides, even if they don’t make any sense, it’s a struggle to talk myself back over to truth. Like every single time. I’ve made more work for myself without really doing anything at all.

But I was thinking about things I’ve learned over the course of 2011. Good things. So not everything was bad. It never is.

  • I can cut hair. Without much fear.
  • I like this quote, a lot. Through to my core. “When one loves, one does not measure.”
  • I like school. Not going myself, anymore. When the children go. Me + Structure = Less Floundering
  • I want to learn to use a sewing machine. Officially.
  • We really are not in control. Cue: unseen deer hurtling into vehicle, leaving fur and cracked/dented everything in its wake. Repeat: never saw it, not once.
  • Me + Fewer Options (things to buy, things to do, people to see, movies to watch) also = Less Floundering
  • I require firm deadlines. For anything.
  • Libraries are the best places ever. (Already knew this, but know it even more.)
  • I learned how to can. Specifically tomatoes. Next year: jam, possibly pickles?
  • Relationships can often be mapped as a Venn diagram. Best not to forget that whole area-of-overlap. It really does exist. I think. Even if we’re talking about boys + girls.
  • I do not enjoy the genres of “camp” or “noir.” See: “Modelland” and “Ringer,” respectively.
  • I like peppers. Nearly as much as horseradish.

Um, I can’t think of anything else right now. But maybe we can keep brainstorming this.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

For Your Review, novenelope,

at first, i was resistant to this- hoighty LA store for some hoighty now appearing from NY to LA glass company that kerry just had had to go to. i have to say the smile booth made it for me, oh and the free mimosas. i was dressed like a complete slob- because i was finally helping kerry sort her apartment [a year later iou]. she did not inform me of the small intimacy of the opening or all the fashionistas there. i stealed myself, my stained sweatshirt, and my hairy legs to suck it up and toss it all down. i have to say this was our 4th attempt. we rocked it and the 3rd one too but that digital copy got eaten. 
i mean, if i wore glasses...

smiling kitty crocodile.

the things you do for friends really. amber had all these pies she needed to hand out to seniors- costco run and then there they came off the bus. we found out that they found out where we got them and one lady who looked well like she could afford to waste or eat or give away pie went to try and take hers back to costco. all $6 of it? we refused to give her a label and concluded "we just didn't like her attitude"... i swear i'll respect my elders in korea.


hour and a half at the county clerks office. way to go van nuys. mostly nice people though but no visa? really? and a $1.75 charge fee. could you just say next time- cash only? ps. with only 12 people ahead of me this thing was going like molasses on a winters day.

i am the lion. BE THE LION.
[at the ronald reagan state dept bldg]

mmm organization.

cath says i'm so 80's right here.

what i've been having for breakfast lately.

and some other indulgences.

pre holiday wander with matt, who, though he lived in LA and was maybe 5 minutes from this exact spot, had no idea it was here. oh, hidden LA, you slay me. also this is our "river"... quite a lot of bird life actually.

on the day of, my uncle tries to explain to me how expensive a turkey dinner in 1931 was in silver $1.25. Compared to the cost of it today $25. He started talking about financial things and the gold standard, and then my eyes glazed over. [yes he does carry those things in his wallet as a reminder].

he got me back with this. honey is magical. has healing properties and is apparently highly nuanced. super tasty. of course they lost me again when they started talking about surface tension in boiling water from a microwave.

and this is me leaving the gated community. they're house is in the middle. the community arcs around in a bowl basically. something was suppose to be built in the middle here but wasn't... also i had to slow down bcs of the constantly freshly resurfaced speed bumps... and of course throw my printed guest pass away.

and yes, inexplicably... midnight sale... me and the two contrasting aries types.

their hair got melted in the attic...

and of course this photo is moms. she loves persimmins and apparently weird faces that appear after you're done eating them. no i'm melting.... [note also the bucket of shells i've saved, and no didn't part with- who knows what i managed to get rid of if it wasn't this. but they look so pretty in their glass jars now].

anyway, hope you enjoyed. all and all based on these it was a pretty decent november. no plagues. still direly broke. still with the anxiety and purposeless pacing and money borrowing and the physical listlessness but otherwise- yah, decent. ok, shrug, yah. what else yah got?
** oh yes AND i did get the gold starbucks card. ah yah, bright spot.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

LL asked how i was to which i replied,

current things:
-fancy bras don't fit in small drawers. do i hang them? and wear. it's disturbing the equilibrium.
-is tazmanian honey really that magical?
-taking kitten to get shots
-ignoring calls from citibank (everymorning at 839 and sometimes in the afternoon)
-all the etsy 'featured' spaces are gone. why'd my mind tell me to go there? who want's seaweed? come on now!
-playing a ridiculous amount of online racing with the mariobrothers and crew
-waiting, waiting, waiting to hear about jeju island (tomorrow maybe?)
-getting started on 'the great divorce' and the 'good and beautiful God'
-noticed i have a rock collecting problem, as well as an inordinate amount of glasses.
-giving away 4 boxes worth of crapolla to goodwill. victory. goodbye barbie dolls but the garbage pail kids, ok, lets keep those. i didn't say i was logical.
-hit square in the nose by a box with a metal christmas stand in it last night (how i might likely die when i'm older due to fatigue and stupidity filed under: ladder, boxes, climbing)
-watching 2 shows about vampires- dark shadows (de classeee, from the 60's) and the korean soap 'vampire prosecuter' (as you know, will he avenge his sisters death and find the "man" who did this to him?!)
-absolutely resisting stillness - result: eating gf chocolate frosted cupcakes, carrots, lots of tea, mindlessly up late and staring into space doing nothing in particular... certainly not talking to God. i realized that this was the particular condition- if one doesn't want to be productive, or is depressed, but occupied? resolving? to?... uh, maybe i'll... zzzzzzzzzzz. que staring into space. ooo or maybe have some cinammon raisin toast. yes. and some tea. walking sounds like it's going to take a lot of energy. and so is all this sorting. i don't even know how i did it.
-zero remembered dreams, apparently done processing ;)
-raw milk cheese is pretty good
-thanksgiving, ok.
-got a smaller monthly calendar after 11 years. don't know if i'm ready for that kind of downsizing. and yet there it is. will i adjust. it's like everything's in miniature. why'd i go there?
-splitting cuticles
-Nyah-NyahDisappointed smileNinjaAlien
-new pillows
-christmas decs
-what hair removal product do i use? nads/nair/wax?
-i just sneezed
-it's 11:14pm

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Last night, though i was tired and incoherent i tried to muscle up (into the attic) the last couple boxes and a smaller box and a metal christmas tree stand in a box until i misnegotiated up the ladder, fatally teetering, and the metal stand flew at my face and hit me square in the nose, and the smaller box came plummeting down in a barage of now splintered plastic bits and tinsel. The nose running, and eye watering began as i stopped everything, preemptively getting advil and a bag of frozen peas, neverminded the mess and went to watch 'vampire prosecuter'- a csi type procedural but with a guy who happens to be a vampire. It totally works.  (Will he avenge his sister's death, or find the thingthat did this to him in the first place!?)

Which reminds me, as i run the pad of my finger over the now very tender area that I meant to tell you about the other korean drama called "my lovely samsoon". The characters over the arc of 16 episodes went back and forth from Seoul to Jeju a few times, climbing the dormant volcano they have there, as well as some famously steep steps in Seoul. It absolutely taunted me all last month. Seoul or Jeju. Seoul or Jeju. I started watching it for signs, but came out undecided- they could've done a better job of highlighting the texture and attitude of each city but really failed to inform me about both except for the use of public transportation and that Samsoon and Hyun-Jin are going to have a long road ahead of them, since she is a rice cake bakers daughter and he is a rich hotel owner, and we can only hope that Hee-jin starts eating again. So really I'm back where I started except that Damon promises me he'll tell me one way or the other by wednesday- which for them is technically today. Did he mean today? Or did he mean my Wednesday? I mean either way. Well it's 4 am wed over there. I guess i can give them till 4pm my time which is 8am their time... i think.

Otherwise, yes, I cleaned out all my stuff from the attic. Managed to get rid of at least 4 bags worth of stuff. I was impressed with my resolve to simply be done and cleared of a lot of it. I have 1 stuffed animal box 1 keepsake box- and 4 grownup mendacious houseware boxes if she ever lives in a place that is her own. The debate is over the now 2-3 boxes of christmas items- do i put the glass ornaments in a box or keep them in a plastic bag in their own cardboard packaging? Is my compulsion for matching boxes, orderly stacked doing me in? Obviously some of them are too heavy. That is also the problem.  And now do i put the super heavy houseware boxes up in the attic? Or make room for them in the supply room? And some of them i shouldn't have unpacked in the first place. Except the one box where apparently i had left some triple sec? Which exploded into a hot oozing mess. Im glad i found that. These are the things i wonder about as i drift off to sleep- imaginary jobs, the ridiculousness of having all of this stuff in the first place... nevermind thanksgiving, and staying up till 12am to go shopping at kohls. Or my fancy new bras- which i actually must discuss with you. There's no room for them in the drawer that's full of the nowire cotton ones. I shouldn't have bought them anyway but they were half off and i thought new job, new bras right? I mean that is if in fact the job, whatever it is, is real and not imaginary. Only time will tell. I mean i really hope it's soon though. Mom can't afford to support me indefinitely. And my one uncle is too busy not accepting money for his site and my other is too busy ordering honey from tazmania and stuffing his mattress with gold. I know how that sounds. I love them to death. I get that they wouldn't even think of offering to pay for my gradschool debt since the one is too practical and the other thinks i should avoid the govt forever. I mean, i got myself into this mess in the first place but still... oh jeju, jeju.

Whatelse, whatelse?
ps. found and am keeping the now empty box of jujubees you sent me post grad, something about thanks for the ... x and the 'kick in the back'... that's the part i remember. i would look but now it's in the keepsake box in the attic. is that why i like jeju, juju, jeju....

Sunday, November 27, 2011

twinkle twinkle

I don’t know where the long holiday weekend (and preceding week) has (have) gone, as it all seems to be a blur of preparations and delicious food and lovely company. And a video chat, and a thoroughly exhausting Voldemart trip. And church, today. And it does appear that the house is relatively clean other than some unpacked holiday boxes, and things are beginning to look both bedecked and bedazzled. So whatever is done, I’m grateful for, because really in my state of Low Energy/Hormonal Spiral, I could have hid in a cave for several days, napping, and been happy. So long as I was provided with a comfortable sleeping bag. And a bag of chips with a side of queso, please.

The to-do list remains, but there’s less pressure in the week to come. And I have a deadline for one project, as requested by me and thusly imposed by you. Always give me a deadline, people! Because I am a latent getter-of-A-pluses, and even though I now taunt the must-get-done list with a detached, observatory air of so-what-if-I-don’t, a good solid deadline will ultimately egg me on, force me into action. So November 30 was the gauntlet you threw down and I’m throwing down the same one on myself for aa’s novel, since she was too nice to give me a deadline waybackwhen – even though I begged! Anyway, I’m more than halfway done and it’s fabulous and belongs on store and library shelves everywhere. She must finish writing it.

Have I said anything of consequence, really? Well here are a few twinkly preview pictures to appease. Until tomorrow -


Sunday, November 20, 2011


In the woods. And was this picture really worth it? I struggle without a DLSR. I’m limited. Only as good as my tool, right? I totally shouldn’t complain, because I do love my camera. But to capture the moon! An orange, nearly-full fireball moon over the river (and through the woods). Flanked by the leafless branches of late fall. Reflected in the strangely still water.


Okay, so it was worth it to get a closer look, even if my picture sucked. I walked straight down the trail as advised – but let’s note, why was I even advised in the first place? Does J.Lo really know me at all? Mwah. Obviously when I turned around I wouldn’t find my way back so easily. This is penelope here. I turned one way, and then the other and then back again. At one point I was close enough they spied my flashlight beam. But then I turned around again. Happened upon the cabins and boat dock. Pondered the possibility of leaving my human life for a vampire coven. The skills I would have. The gaping hole left in my vampire soul over having to leave the children behind.

Also, it would have sucked to have run across a possum or a skunk. Or a bear for heaven’s sakes.

Or to sleep outside with no blanket.

Or worry about anything past that. True survival skills and whatnot.

But I emerged eventually. No vampire bites. Muddy shoes. A bruised ego. And nothing left of my earlier beer buzz, but we amended that quickly with some scotch and blue vodka. And campfire light.

Friday, November 18, 2011

an unfinished letter pen,

was it because we met in chicago?
i mean just this last february and not back in 2000.
pilot mtn and stvd rock...
aka turn of the century.
that we failed to inform each other of our camping
and our family drama
or complained much of friends and frenemies.
or that we had gotten so used to some things never changing
we realized there were suddenly things actually changing?
there are your children which always change and yet remain the same.
and we have not spoken of those.
and me and my not changing yet drastically so.
on the precipice.
and your hair and my bank account.
what else. when the ---- lifts we've got to see where the holes are.

- mariokart (add our number)
-chocolate covered honeycomb
-3 necklaces
-the exodus from LA
-not exercising
-the organized file
-salt baths
-not dyeing the hair
-koren dramas
-learning korean
-how am i going to teach?
-twist andshooting stars
-must spay/reluctant surgery
-indie rock and college radio
-400 photographs, 3 years
-not packing
-quilt finishing

Saturday, November 12, 2011


So you know how we were talking about Adele. I have both 19&21 on my itunes. Further, I have no idea how they got there. No idea. Lucky day. I only like a few of her songs but now i get to hear them incessantly. Rolling, and Fire and Something what not. But seriously, how did they get onto my machine? No recollection. Also can she write about something else besides thwarted romantic love? puh-LEASE. gah.

Last night we had a proper if miniature lengthed storm blow and bluster in. Rattle my window and pound on down. It justified my being up till 2 for sure. Ah, a brief glimpse oh thou temptress, weather. Though those 2 unhappy texts @8am i got about going on down into hollywood at 9am... no. Frickin lotday volunteering nonsense. I believe i stated: ground cold wet. no go. resched. rain last night. The sun would've had to have been glistening in for me to even consider lifting my eyelid more than a slit before dropping back into my pillow until 10. And then kerry calling me complaining about outfits and wedding attendance. Shuffling in my superbly baggypants and flipflops i went on to prepare some teeth staining tea, flaxseed toast and eggs with yogurtpepperjackcheese and greenonions. And then played my itunes and sat on the couch reading about young flavia solving the murder of a mysterious redhaired man.

I believe i was having a moment, despite being confused that after 2 pears, and more tea, and the hour being 2ish I wasn't hungry for lunch yet. Pears, which I've ignored for years have suddenly become my thing, having rediscovered their perfectness when in season, a rosy glow on their oddly shaped green skin. Can't beat it. Sweet and lovely. But a bad pear is a terrible thing. So i can see why i broke up with them and ignored them for at least a decade. But for now I'm back in love. Guavas and persimmons are still curious but not catching. And the cats completed the picture, curled to my left, camped to my right and warming my chest. It was hard not to doze back off even though I'd already been up a few hours... the head was dipping a bit though.

And then I heard the screen door, and thought, please be today. And you know what, it was! There was THEE envelope. 9wks awaiting. I sluiced open the envelope and rather anticlimactically gazed upon the "no arrest record"- I immediately felt an inward lurch of wrongness- there was a name but not a "signature", the official watermarked highwhite paper but no as requested for apostille "seal"... I thought, fuck. I went to scan it in. Which was oddly easy given all my dads networking shenanigans and sent it off to be confirmed if i was crazy to both the canadian recruiter and the FBI liaisons...Damned Saturday. I then madly searched forums with an internal tremor and a, I'm so pissed at my lips... innately feeling that this rage was somewhere even if i couldn't quite find it, muster it really- it was missing. Just a, hmmph. The forums actually after the caddy back and forth of some finally cleared the way to tell me there was hope- i could probably bypass it, or if at worse send it back and wait a few more weeks. Gasp. If i have to. There are benefits I suppose to living in LA and I'd like to claim them especially if i have to pay $20 per document. But either way nonsense. Nonsense to be dealt with when i see a notary on Tuesday for my BA and hopefully hear back from the recruiter. Nevertheless there was an equally incessant but not actualized happydance happening in my head about pulling the trigger. And it's close.

Having done what I could I strangely went on with the rest of my day- I delayed lunch, with a bowl of chips as i went to help Amber hand out pies. It all seemed rather unnecessary but I think she was glad of my company though I have now shortshrifted callie. Sorry Callie! But amber has darkdays. I wrote it down. I've got to be careful... Anyway, I had to hear funnily enough a senior complain about trying to return her pie to costco. $6. Seriously. She didn't want it I guess? I ponder if they actually let her. It didn't have a label but still... off she went and amber i were both like, "i don't like her attitude." And amber said, I deal with things like that everyday. Godbless you. Because those seniors would be getting a talk to. I unfortunately have none of that generational respect when it comes to nonsense.

I mean obviously in korea it will be completely different but for now. No.

Anyway, that's it. Tomorrow is church. There was this '5 favorite things' party, and yes i could bring flowers, but... i don't know. We'll see what's blooming. Or not. I might just be anti-social. I'm bordering on uninspired even though -- i don't know. I may cave to the pressure. Danica and aut can be relentless when they think i should do something. And they're right i know. I could even bring pressed seaweed. It's like free advertising right? Hummm. And i get to take home loot? ach.

Oh and apparently after at least 13 years i bought a different kind of monthly calendar. It's smaller. Cheaper. I wonder. It might not work. What if I'm in korea. Well anyway. Ok. I'll stop. It's the tea i think. I might have to read more before i slip on over to the otherside. Who knows what sort of dayplanner i might need... i can't decide.


Thursday, November 10, 2011

These days,

Lately I'm reluctant to get out of bed at all. The tossing and turning though finally does me in and the thirst and the general haggardness so I do get up. I've never been one of those lingering types. Absolutely possessive of the 8or9 hours but otherwise. I wish i could read a book in bed in the morning, like those grab a cuppa and tuck back in sort of people. Or the kind of person who pulls off nightware really well opposed to looking like a tangled mess. I wonder if i had one of those sleep # beds if i'd be restful when i sleep. Granted the dreams don't help but i've always been rolling this way or that. I do the same thing in church- one hip, next hip... i wonder if the whole thing speaks of being bored with the process. I'm not sure. When mom asks me what I've done or am going to do with my day, I just whistle now, in that arching "annnnnnnd, hoooooow" as i wave goodbye sort of whistle. I'm sure it says almost everything. And most nights i conquer the mind chatter with some yogic deep breathing exercises.

As you know i've been having some vivid time in imagination land too. I also got new floss, and have been taking long soaking baths. Which taxes our septic tank horribly but my whole body longs for the heat and liquid warmth. It pulls me to it. I think about it all day and think, can I slip into the tub and let the water rise, yet? I've never used bathsalts and fragrances so much in my life. I'm also, currently reading "sweetness at the bottom of the pie" and the poems of wallace stevens. Scheduling time to get that BA notarized (pain in my ass). Ordering prints from the last 3 years from k)dak. So there's that. But whatelse- Cathy sent me money and it made me weep. And for her birthday i'm going to figure out how to make her a cameo. Also I have both Adele albums- 19,21. Have no idea how i got them or why they're on my itunes... It was sort of crazy. But now i can listen to the 3 songs i do like over and over again. Bonus.

So, Last night I dreamed of 7 kittens. [which can speak of gaining independence or?] There was a whole lot of business about the wrangling of them and where they came from, and what to do with them. It was definitely like we were keeping them, and the smallest and last discovered one was a brindle- rustredorange kitten, smaller than the rest, and we definitely decided to name her "Chloe"... which means "tender young shoot" or "verdent and blooming". As I said to Lauralee, "I am full of portent these days."

Oh and I finally embroidered the name of the quilt, and my mom and my name and the year into the quilt border- which given how sluggard i've been lately was quite an accomplishment. I almost wept. It was even better than finishing the hedge trimming, or taking that long walk on Monday but haven't repeated since. As i said to danica i've enjoyed too much being maudlin and licking the salt and grey from my fingers all day long to do much else. In the same breath though i can be glad of your long waited for grocery. The good things. They're coming aren't they. Ways are being made. Pushed forward and opened. I'm going to write a poem about us i think. What our condition might be. I think...


and for records sake: a jumbled mess and not much meat.
portent aka a list of all the images in my mind right now:

It started with:
  • The Ants: Everywhere, all around our house. Stealing resources. of friends. of mine. And the woman i asked for help said i should ask God to wake me up with a verse:
  • John 2. The wedding at Cana. Mary notes that they've run out of wine. Jesus says it's not his time yet but he does provide anyway. Which I pondered whilst camping- Mary knows the shame that will come upon them. I wonder why she knew in the first place. Sometime later la-cat was praying for me and that led to the bathsalts, the contemplation of slow healing and the tension in my shoulders, and the may your body have hope, not just my soul, which led to:
  • Psalms 16 "you hold my lot. the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, indeed i have a beautiful inheritance."... which i didn't agree with. I wondered where it was. I asked. i went to the throne and said, but seriously am i missing something?
  • Which led me to: What is pressing down on my shoulders? (my knee has been hurting again) A golden statue of an indian fell off my back, and was then pecked at by a vulture as if it were flesh. It spoke to me as if it was about stolen inheritance... was it mine? Was it someone elses? Where did it go? Why? I stopped meditating. I thought it was too much too see already with no answers yet.
  • And then of course at the beach: The pelican and the 4 fishermen. I have often asked God, "Lord, where shall i cast my net today?"
    • pelican: pinpoints the fish, locks on and plummets into the water to get it. i resolved that i would most like to be the pelican.
    • the father: with his son, taking pictures and catches the fish, all experience and memory gathering.
    • the expert: two massive poles, 3 hours, 8-10 fish, 1 baby shark, 1 stingray?, and every single one thrown back into the ocean. drew lots of attention and questions and seemed relentless. maybe it's all about the lures.
    • the fly fisherman: endlessly casting and reeling back into a basket. river? why ocean? nothing caught. restless. exhausting to watch.
    • the recreational hobbyists: two friends, moving down the beach. catching nothing but talking. almost aimless or planless anyway. and then prayer on sunday,
  •    a baby in a crib, a roman soldier- the centurian luke 7he knows jesus can just heal his servant from where he was because his authority extends beyond him, everything is subject to it... then ps91... he will command his angels concerning you... (the passage i've been teaching the meditation classes on). jake prayed that over me coincidentally... jesus of course was tempted by the same phrase...
  • and then the dreams: the woman, the child, the rasping choking, the "lord, give me my voice!", the nanorobots, the flying, the struggling, the man chasing me with a cat like face. the choking squeezing has stayed with me since.
  • and now the kitten named chloe. the verdent bloom.
and here am i, on the brink. the slippery edge of understanding. i need to make columns. draw a diagram. the truth about jesus//the indian//the requests//the lack//the expectant future.

but perhaps instead i'll crawl under the couchchair cover like twist and sleep. if only i had an analyst on staff.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

happy farms

At first I thought the background was flower-filled? And it is, except sometimes it’s all circles with diamonds in the middle.

So here’s my windowsill:

happy green onions – a week ago they did not clear the top of that glass

happy flowers from my mom’s yard, picked by k.lo

sculpey-jesus-in-progress – he has a random red streak on his blue robe but it doesn’t seem inappropriate so it’s staying there

And the fall leaves in the background, which speak for themselves.


Yesterday I was completely jazzed to procure new socks. It’s nice when they don’t have holes.

And today. Today I discovered the poor-girl’s-TJ’s, aka Aldi. What! WHAT. It’s weird, it’s quirky, it’s German. All the old people shop there. You put in a quarter to use the shopping cart and don’t get bags. There’s only one brand/option for each product. But this is all magic. Because I’ve come to loathe too-many-options at the friggin’ grocery store. And plastic bags – hate them! And while I value great customer service, I also hate too-many-people breathing down my back when shopping. And the cashier was super-nice anyway and super-speedy. And there are NO TVs on the end-caps playing an endless stream of commercials and inciting feelings of homicidal rage. And they have cheese! Cheap, fabulous cheese! Jalapeno havarti, for heaven’s sake! And chocolate! Cheap, fabulous chocolate! And granola! Cheap, fabulous granola! And cheap, fabulous apples! Cheaper-than-I’ve-seen-in-years coffee beans! Cheaper-than-the-cheapest-ever potato chips! And dairy products with the ridiculous brand name of Happy Farms! Which makes me feel like I might be carted off to the Happy Farm and held there without bail.

So it took eleven months – but M, I have a grocery store. A beyond cheap one that sells odd and delicious things. This is big.

Excuse me while I create several Aldi fansites, Aldi mugs and a set of I <3 Aldi T-shirts.

Or go back to crocheting my blanket, gluing sculpey Jesus together and painting him a beard. Whichever.



Sunday, November 6, 2011

Part (XII) Seven

First time I forgot our anniversary and only rememberd a month later while simultaneously hitting another blog low. 7 posts though for 7 years. "winning!" In other news i did muster the strength for a new blogtitlehead, even though the other one hit the struggle so precisely on the head, that was all we needed to say. There was the forces of darkness and light converging upon us, our joy was a weighted statue that was being anchored by time and sinking into an abyss... we'll see what this one does for us. Where's daniel to ask us questions when we need him? Biding his time somewhere and not watching the decline and fall of an unknown blog. Not that we're going to blip ourselves out of existence. Not yet. It's a good sign i'm being so caustic. It almost makes me hopeful.


Saturday, November 5, 2011

the book stack from @rd_morgan

#thetwitterverse #magicalmailpackages #YAdeliciousness

I still smile every time I think about it. Where will I even begin.  


seven years in ~

Have we run out of words? Our experiences seem to be swirling around us (or maybeitsjustme) lately, with nary a note taken. And this doesn’t seem right somehow, because we are note takers, are we not?  Observers and commenters and obsessers. Which isn’t even a word, but that never stops us. Maybe we’re just going through something. On the brink of foreign country expeditions and whatnot. Or an allergy to so much being-on-display.

October does traditionally suck the life out of me, although a) it’s not October anymore and b) fall is reclaiming its rightful place as my favorite season, what with the falling leaves. I mean, they literally fall and litter the streets while I walk, like burnt papery snow, and I love it. And I love that it just sits in the streets, along with the pine needles, like maybe someone should clean it up, but…eh.

Currently I’m avoiding the movie Hannibal like the plague and scourge it is by jacking up PandoraRadio and pinningthings and writing letters to you. If I had known that movie was filmed at Biltmore, my excursion there might have felt different somehow. Creepers. And despite the falling back and adding an extra hour tonight I feel like I don’t want to go to church tomorrow. I’m so antisocial. I suppose I will anyway. Maybe. Somehow I was recently roped into subbing as doorkeeper for the children’s classes and it’s totally fine because well I never contribute anything monetarily and stewardship has to take some priority? But I’m not sure how or why people assume I like and/or am good with children just because I happen to have two. It’s a myth I’m telling you. I’m not required to be there tomorrow but it’s been a few weeks since I’ve attended. Mainly the problem is I have no idea what to wear.

I used the fancy hairstuff today after my shower and I’m going to declare that I prefer the ElmersSchoolGlue. I said it. It’s true.

My windowsill green onions are growing. A lot. I tried googling what else I could cut and throw in a glass of water and grow forever but didn’t come up with much.

Sculpey Jesus looks like Charlie Brown at the moment but never fear. Someday he’ll have a blue outfit and facial hair.

Magnet paint is going to happen in the hallway. For art display. And magnet play.

Bookshelves in the living room as well as a huge book purge will also happen. Someday.

And someday I’ll paint the door red and the shutters black. But it’s getting cold and I can barely muster the will to mow the backyard.

While trick-or-treating the other night I stopped by the house that we almost rented like the nosey person I am and saw that a couple who requires use of a wheelchair ramp lives there. I had this total “ahh” moment of understanding about why we didn’t end up with that house. It was meant for them.

I’m making a leaf garland with the children. Except I’m doing most of the cutting and have scissoritis as a result. But it will be charming and so worth it, right? K.Lo insisted on Thanksgiving/not to be confused with Halloween decorations of some sort. I’ll totally take pictures.

All right I’m going to post this and then for Hannibal-less cover in the bedroom.

love to you this saturday eve,


Friday, November 4, 2011

My darling,

It's late, and i've had unsettling dreams. One where I was on an elevator that reached the top and once it did it rotated top to bottom so that we wre all upside down. No one seemed to mind. Everyone seemed to think it was normal. And then another where i was covered in brine or some dried saltly pattern after a sprinkler system had gone off in a huge office building. It's probably the epsom salt soaks i've been doing lately. They're leeching into my dreams. And backing up the septic tank too.
And i've begun to watch korean soapoperas so i'll let you know when 'My lovely Sam Soon' and 'Vampire Prosecutor' start invading my dreams. I listened to the first part of pimsleur's korean and when they prompted i was able to recall the answers in french. Of course that's not at all what was required but i was amused. Je ne sais pas. Je ne comprend pas. Tu es connais ou' mon fbi bgcheck? which apparently is actually said savez-vous ou' mon cheque.... est? oh well. Nevermind.
More on meditation and the rhythmless days later.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

A brief dialogue from Pen and M.

Date: Wed, 2 Nov 2011 19:34:27 -0400
Subject: Re:
From: penelope
To: mendacious
good grief i don't actually .... psshhhaw. ordinary computer. .... ick. maybe...
... bank breakup! i totally empathize. those @(#*&@$...  
...i spent most of the day .... about........ immortal .....  laguna .....dontjudge. 

On Wed, Nov 2, 2011 at 8:22 PM, mendacious> wrote:
Open-mouth smile

Date: Wed, 2 Nov 2011 20:30:03 -0400
Subject: Re: ps
From: penelope
To: mendacious

omg. where is the middle-finger emoticon. 


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Oh, October (enclosed)

i can't say october is all bad, except for the everywidening hole of financial despair. (please somebody by some effing seaweed. doesn't anyone know anyone anymore?) oh and the&nbsp;b/n near me has already hired for the season. oh and my mentor offered me the job of my dreams&nbsp;but can't afford to pay me, and i had a crazy dream that involved dogs with glowing red eyes and me saying, GO BACK TO HELL WHERE YOU CAME FROM! right after i anointed someone with oil and said, in the name of the father, son, and holyghost. for serious.

but on to better things, the pictures will attest that goodness and conversation pull me back from living in a deep thread of anxiety. just this morning i was doing some deep breathing and after about 7 cups of tea and 5 hours of conversation and peanut brittle, i calmed down enough to smile and be optimistic about korea and the current trajectory of my life. mostly.

here's callie. our badass friend getting thrown down and is about to fiercely wend her way out of it. go deputy blackbelt!
and yah, these are as dangerous and epic as they look. bob redmill rocks the awesomechocolatesauce. which this month has brought me to the um, ok, i'm clearly overeating.

but nevermind about that, look at my Twist!

and yes, this IS only 18minutes from my house. go VALLEY. go. who can resist the lighting.

same place, but emily was throwing a victorian birthday party. which trumped my anti-social ways. we played croquet. i tripped over a whicket to which sarah replied, sticky whicket. both of these photos were actually not staged.. if you can believe it ;)

and here is san clemente. i may have found a way to pee on the beach unnoticed- twice. but if you had seen the cliff i had to climb up, you'd understand why and the water was cold and rocky. and filled with fish and as one fisherman showed me, a baby shark. but don't let that throw you, forget about it as you gaze at the good time. filled with good food (not pictured sadly (paninis, brats, fritattas, salads and such), ridiculous warm weather and tanning.

post beach tea break

and yes, guess what i got when i got home. 2 wks!? what the what government!