Thursday, August 31, 2006

things on pen's mind

1. What I would do if mendacious ever followed through for real on her threat to make IVY comatose for a week or whatever. I mean, go on with my ordinary, worry-filled life, sure, but what hobby would I pick up to make up for time spent a) blogging b) thinking about blogging and c) checking our IVY spies by location?

2. The Tropical Storm Sucknesto, currently creeping through town. It's not very windy yet. There's a lot of water in the sky and on the streets. Sometimes I still worry that we should have flood insurance, but as J.Lo pointed out, the water would have to be at least 7 feet high for us to even start worrying about it, and seeing as we're not like a certain city constructed below sea level, and don't have to worry about any levees bursting, I think I'll just continue fighting The Fear-Mongering Capitalism Machine and stick with our regular homeowner's policy. Anyway, the storm matches my mood. Still hoping the power won't go out, and still planning on crashing Grace Street if this becomes the case.

3. How I'm just not going to miss Angela and her fugly rosettes on Project Runway, although it was sort of depressing to see her sent home after spending literally, what, an hour in Paris? Ugggh, we don't want you and your heedious hobo outfeet een our country...

4. Checking off my worry list from the other day. So far I have: found a slipcover I used to use on a different couch to make the one in need look pretty; created an arrangement of slate and river rocks to use instead of buying a giant bowl for the giant candle; and did buy kitchen curtains, but for a fantastic price. Also, utilized insider knowledge of Customer Service Protocol to get 75% of overdraft fees refunded. (Would have been 100%, but due to Mortification Factor, did not warn J.Lo in time of debacle. Though I do hope the $32.34 Egg McMuffin was tasty.) Haven't called the dentist, but plan to...sometime soon. And as far as teaching K.Lo everything she needs to know, I suppose I'll have to go with my old fallback of taking one day at a time. Seems overly rational, but you know.

5. How the sleepy town of Hillsborough, NC, could have this going on. I mean, I don't even want to go there in my mind, really. But, why can't we start locking up the Crazy People before they wreak havoc on society, like they used to in the Good Old Days? Note to self: research stats on how many people today are legitimately insane. Also: hope I'm not one of those people and just don't realize it.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006



loose ends

i thought for about- a good 5 minutes -going on blog hiatus. we here at MT.IVY. are not perfect performance cyborgs. nor are you gentle readers. as we, each of us, in support of our community endlessly click away on page after page of writing exemplar. but we can't be compulsive about it or we're just going to burn out. i thought for a rest we should put ourselves in "comatose" land and go on with our ordinary worrisome lives, but we want "us" to be here for a long time...

in the meantime, in this inbtw post, you have things to look forward to: i'll be finishing up the RPP's (i'm really excited about the straw project), posting a series about my camping trip which includes a seal, dolphins, a deludge of seaweed, 3 shots of whiskey, a korean family, a cracked camera, a dead car battery and much much more.

things on my mind:

  1. someone in the neighborhood threw eggs at my car. i did not witness the carnage of protein laden goo but apparently it was only our car that got hit. i am a bit militant about parking. so perhaps i deserve it. but if the ghetto family next door didn't have so many fucking cars i wouldn't be. i wouldn't have to double park myself in my own driveway. i live in a rez.dist. for fucks sake. there should be no parking problems. fucking ghetto fucking neighbors. fuck.
  2. my friend and i (surprise) disagree on political issues. i skew conservative. and for over 2 years i've put up with her (ahem) liberal hippie bleeding heart rants about global warming, the iraq war, bush, and who knows what the fuck else she heard about on NPR. i tend to agree with her a lot on a philosophical basis in terms of government, power, reminding her that the govt isn't necessarily there as a moral force of good. you know, all that disillusioning stuff that makes your blood pressure rise. also, i don't feel informed enough so i will hardly give an opinion on current events but instead can only look back to history and mankind as a whole for a likely indicator about future events. world peace is not possible. mankind skews more evil than good but that doesn't mean the apocalypse isn't coming tomorrow and if it is what can we do about it but what we are doing about it. just live your life, do what you do and don't fret- right? well regardless of which way you feel about such things the point is that you never like people to push their issues on you 24/7. so i'd had it- and said, no, i don't think a movie discussion group is the place to push your political agenda even if it is an oliver stone film... bcs it tends to flare up anger, encourage ad hominem attacks and deviate intelligent conversation into babble storms of anxiety, and rage... she concluded after a long winded conversation that i was condescending and treating her like a child and that apparently we can no longer talk about politics. i think as friends we should give each other a little more credit, but we'll see.
  3. in other news i made a :to do: for fall/winter list: which includes: camping (which i will be doing in november-18-22, beach side), whale watching, manicure, massage, volleyball and of course, kite flying, oh also i should add hiking bcs i haven't done that in a while.
  4. my dad's chain smoking is starting to get to me. i clocked it. every 15 minutes. 6 minutes to smoke. pause. light up. i know the beast or whatever the fuck it is, has him, but it blows. also... i'll just post about it later. i could go on and on. sure maybe i'm a mooch but i'm so cute and adorable. how can you say no to me?
  5. work is sometimes actually work. i've got projects man. and i
  6. i have a periphery anxiety about things that are going merrily along, and that' probably bcs i'm employed, everything is fine and i'm working toward my goals- so why not start to unnecessarily panic about money, being jobless, and future long term goals i have no control of... sigh. never you mind.
  7. i have successfully avoided lard cookies (aka oreos), threw a tantrum yesterday but worked out today... only to slip off the belt and come perilously close to biting it hard, becoming one of those long talked about moments that are legend. there would be screams, gasps of horror and a mangled whining mess who moans- no, no. don't call an ambulence. i don't have HEALTH insurance. gasp. whimper.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Worry Club

I think I am going to form a Worriers Club with Kim. She says it much better than me, but I too believe I spend too much of my time/energy worrying. Most of the time I can talk myself down from the ledge, but there are certain things that really get under my skin and serve as a catalyst for other worries. Like if I'm going to stick my toe in the water, why not just dive under and get all soaking wet.

Currently worried about: 1. Negative account balance. I stop being a militant, calculator-wielding banker-Nazi for one flipping second, and what happens. Never assume you have a buffer, Pen, never. And as mad as you may be at the bank for nailing you $30 a pop for each time you spent a measley $8 on food or whatever, it's still your own damn fault.

2. Speaking of oneself in the third person. Never a good sign.

3. J.Lo, who is currently in his own stressful situation.

4. K.Lo, and how I'm going to teach her everything she needs to know.

5. The stupid Tropical Storm Ernesto, which might become a hurricane, which might make its way straight through our town, which might prevent my worrying friend from coming to visit (NOOO!), and which probably will knock out power, even if it doesn't do anything else. Which is super-annoying, because I am a total diva about electricity. (Another reason I wouldn't last on Survivor--because I might miss an episode of Survivor.)

6. Self-imposing a punishment for item 1, overdraft fees. No longer allowed to buy: couch slipcover, big bowl for giant candle, food dehydrator, or kitchen curtains. All right, maybe the kitchen curtains. Maybe.

7. Making a dentist appointment.

8. How this is all killing my usual positive vibe.


sister in laws
fallen flower petals
dirty glasses
mean friend
protein level
fatigue level
sister in laws
protein level
bike riding home
weight loss
bounced check
lack of work
sister in laws
protein level...

Monday, August 28, 2006

OMG turn it around.

Penelope Facts
Serving Size: Varies?
Servings Per Container: Also varies.

Amount Per Serving Calories: Cannot count due to neuroses (see below).
Total Fat: Mostly from M&Ms.
Cholesterol: Supposedly okay, may have some bad genes? Not too worried about it.
Sodium: Okay, considering this day and age of sodium-filled food products. Usually only adds salt when cooking.
Total Carbohydrates: Terrible by Atkins standards. Eats pasta constantly. But hey, regardless of diet you still might slip and fall on an icy sidewalk and bite it someday.
Protein: Probably not enough. Mendacious would have a fit. Must eat more jerky.

Vitamins & Minerals: Good! An A+. Takes vitamins every day without fail.

I tend to think that I am, at least more so than in the past, a fairly laid-back person. I mean, by comparison, I'd like to give myself an ounce of credit for not being a totally uptight freak. I notice sometimes, though, that I am extraordinarily rigid. Many, many things I feel I have extreme patience for, and despite my lengthy
pet peeve lists, it's not like my world splinters into tiny pieces if things don't go exactly as planned. But, for instance, I wouldn't last 5 seconds on Survivor. Because everything is fine so long as certain conditions are met. I sunburn easily, I'm a mosquito magnet, I function terribly if I'm starving, and frankly I don't know how long I would last without appropriate hair products. If stranded on an island with 15 other people, a camera crew and Jeff Probst, I would most likely kill or be killed in under 4 hours.

Anyway, I am not particuarly obsessed with caloric intake. I really believe that these things sort of even themselves out, and I just don't care. Don't eat until you feel like puking, that's a good marker. Jeans tights? Lay off the Edy's Dibs you bought (ahem) at COSTCO the other day. Granted, I would love to at some point drop down to my pre-pregnancy weight, that would be fantastic. But I'm overall more interested in feeling healthy than anything.

So why do I still turn the boxes around on the shelf so that the Nutrition Facts panel faces the wall? I've had this habit since college, back when I was trying desperately to avoid the Freshman 15 (I didn't), and I could argue that the colored side of the box with all the pictures is more aesthetically appealing than the black and white. Actually, it is. And I do like uniformity on the pantry shelf, none of this boxes all facing every which way crap. But mostly, I know that if I start looking at the numbers, I'll get obsessed and start pulling out my calculator every day to punch in numbers and worry about how it can all possibly work out. Just like the banking. Yesterday, I noticed a Ritz cracker box facing the wrong way on the shelf, and tried to walk by it and let it go, but my fingers started twitching. Must. Turn. Box. AROUND. GAH! And so I did. I felt a lot better afterward.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

sunday funday

i'm back from camping and will with some delay be back to my usual posting ferveor?ferver. anyway- but right now i must: apply chapstick, unload the car, watch tv, shower (since i haven't, obvi), and drink a hearty beverage...

Friday, August 25, 2006


reason 1: they have no intention of behaving like your sister, treating you like a sister, or in any way desire being remotely connected with the family. this is the main trouble with in-laws. for myself, i would've appreciated a sister. but they have an almost pathological obsession of isolationist tendencies. people really do need to realize that they're marrying into a family, aka: community: with all the rights, annoyances and obligations therein.

reason2: the problem is that most families are inherently dysfunctional but hiding behind your husband is an obvious avoidance tactic, and that just creates feelings of hostility. why not take 'offense' in terms of the situation: lighten up and try not to take everything so fucking personally. after all you are coming into a foreign territory with strange people- how bout playing psychologist or observer. don't ever act like the inmate. you haven't earned it. i have lessons to learn in this too but still. it doesn't hurt to humanize yourself, thereby making you more approachable and less of a bitch. why not try getting to know us and stop treating us like hostile alien forces who vie for your husbands affections. we have things to give.

reason3: it's all about them- ALL THE TIME. things like: this is my family, my husband, my child, my car, my house- fly from their mouths like swords. they'd rather throw a tantrum then actually communicate with you or god forbid compromise. why are so many of us prone to "only child syndrome"- sort of like assholes on ice who must control the situation to the finest detail- this is my car radio, this is my bike, this is my plate, these are my crayons, these are my nerouses and i'm not going to tell you about them until years of brooding, bitterness and bile store up in my soul. is there such a thing as therapy for in-laws?

reason4: there's no one telling you things aren't what they appear. usually i pride myself in reading btw the lines, sighs, eye glances- and if theatre and english have done nothing else for me they've taught me how to read people... things mean "things"... and sometimes they are what they are- usually i talk to a lot of people in order to balance my perspective of a situation, bcs i do tend to get obsessive (i'm still waiting to see my friend's couches). so you tell me:

why does "she" hate me?
she doesn't hate you.
so indifference is better?...

why doesn't she call or email?
she's so busy with ....

why doesn't she come over anymore?
she's on a diet.
she's allergic to dust.
she doesn't like bbq.
she'd rather...
she's going...
she's watching...
she's being...

why doesn't she ever invite us over?
she wants to wait until we get a bigger house.
cleaner sheets.
more room.
more money.
more time.
less busy.
less most everything.

so now that you've moved and have a bigger house- are you going to have us over?
not until we get a formal dining room.
and more time.
and more money.
and less busy.
and less/more of most everything.

why do you guys constantly complain about not having enough money to visit and you just bought an ipod and she went to cancun with friends?
the truth is... oop, i've gottogo ttyl! xoxo.

it is in fact mainly a feeling that i have: lost my brother, as he will never sell her out for our sake no matter how mental she is. i do actually understand that but we never like to see the ones we love miserable- hence interventions, hence strongly worded emails, calls... it's not about being overbearing or unkind but sometimes you can see the situation better from the outside. my second feeling is that he will never seek therapy and continue to view his problems as separate from all of the "family" problems that are happening 1,000 miles away, bcs truly if he has enough problems of his own...enough to not care about us. period. then those are some problems that bear attention but when those problems stretch from 1 year to 10 when does it become an addiction, an excuse and then eventually a dismissal.... which all in all just basically makes me "hate" her. the title should be: why i hate my sister-in-law: bcs she doesn't make an effort, she shuns us (and no one likes to be shunned), she doesn't care to know us, she doesn't want my brother to know us and isn't it possible to have both a wife and a family at the same time? can you findyourself a part from people who have been together for 30 years. and how much time is getting to know you time before it eventually becomes i want nothing to do with you time until we're living in some semblance of knowing and family but realistically is but a hallow shell, a sham, a contrivance built on hurt, silence and avoidance. how long is too long before you stop being family... what is the line btw love and enabling- communication and smothering and when do you sunder it- and if you do shouldn't you just say so. you are not a priority. i am consumed with my life. i don't write, call, send you presents bcs i am just TOO BUSY. TOO SPENT. TOO CONSUMED WITH MYSELF.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

this does not work for me

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Dear Network TV,

We have to talk about the fall schedule. I, possibly more than anyone, am *ramped* for each and every favorite show season premiere that will air in the months of September and October. As I'm watching the promos, however, it is occurring to me that we have a problem. A big, big problem. And that would be Thursday nights.

At 8 pm, we have Survivor. CBS, you are good to go, and may leave this meeting. NBC, I presume you will continue to air My Name is Earl and The Office in the 9 pm to 10 pm slot as usual. And Fox, you'll be back with The OC, sans Marissa, of course, at the same time. My DVR, as it has proven in the past, is up to the job.

ABC, though, here is where you come in. I believe I shown you plenty of devotion on Sunday nights between Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy, and also on Wednesdays with Lost. I also plan to watch the new JJ Abrams show at 10 pm on Thursday, 6 degrees, as it a) it involves JJ Abrams, and b) its cast seems to include Natasha from S&TC. So, what on God's green earth are you thinking, moving Grey's to Thursday, too? I mean, I could cry. Clearly, as Grey's and The Office are on my Top 5 Favorite Shows list, I will remain devoted. And I understand Thursday night is the biggest night on TV all week. And it would make "sense," if you want to call it that, to move one of your top dramas over to compete with the big dogs.

But networks--CBS, you might want to come back in the room for this--does it make sense to split the viewership share between the 4 of you on Thursdays, rather than spreading the love around throughout the week? ABC, you can be the star on Sundays! NBC, you can split Thursdays with CBS. And Fox--couldn't you, I don't know, take Saturdays?

It's obvious that I am either going to have to bust out the old VCR tapes and get reacquainted with the machine settings to tape The OC every Thursday night, or else break up with the show altogether. I don't know what's going to happen. But Fox, this is all ABC's fault, you should know. It was a beautiful relationship, these past few years with you, Ryan, Summer and Seth. Leave it to poor--that's right, POOR marketing sense to destroy what was a delicate balance between Thursday Night DVRing and me.

Then again, The OC does kind of suck lately, so maybe this isn't such a bad thing.

Miffed Nonetheless,

P.S. I just looked up Natasha (Bridget Moynahan) on the IMDb, and she was born in my hometown. Huh. That's, um, unexpected.

quotes of the day

1. From Just My Luck, starring Lindsey Lohan, which (YES, it's true) I watched today and loved:

If you dwell on all the bad things, you miss out on the good stuff.

(Or something to that effect.)

2. On a bumper sticker:

Well-behaved women seldom make history.

--Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

bad ideas

1. iced tea at 11:04pm. i continually do this to myself and am completely absent-minded to my sensitivity to caffiene. so as i stared wide awake around 1:30am i grimaced, caffiene! fuck! and i got up and watched a taped episode of city gardener and southpark- i turned off the tv, shocked it was almost 3 and then fell fast asleep only to jerk myself awake around 8, feeling suspiciously awake and lucid. and every attempt i made to sleep was foiled as i'd blink my eyes open as 5, 8 min past. and my body core seemed to be cooking me from the inside. fuck it. i'm up. fuck.

2. watching worldtradecenter. not for the usual whys though- (and i swear i went only bcs my friends and i were going to sit around and discuss it- which is always dangerous) it was just a bad, poorly put together movie, ridiculously assembled, boring stereotypes with some touching engaging moments that almost made me want to like it. bcs man i felt for nicholas cage and that random mexican guy, i really did. and that whole anti-sentiment thing was defeated when they were found and i started to cry- bcs fuck. sometimes humanity comes thru. well and then came the iced

3. working while tired i made completely poor food choices. chips with dip, hersheys minis and about 3 diet cokes. can we say bender.

4. did i even shower? no.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Honoring our Readers

we're keeping our eyes on you...

So, Mendacious and I are almost up to 15,000 hits on the ol' SiteMeter, which clearly is cause for celebration!

Woohoo! Celebrate! Oy oy!

Special thanks to all of you out there who visit and read Ivy, regularly or not. We appreciate it, and you. Never forget that each and every one of you are good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, loved by Pen & M.

In light of this obviously special occasion, we'd like to share a brief list of Regular Ivy Tuner-Inners, just to say Hazah! Look how far the scope! If you do see your location (or even if you don't), feel free to use the comments section of this post like a Guest Book: Sign in, say hi, where you're from, share a Deep IVY Thought with the community at large. No obligation or pressure--it's just, as M says, fun to match the places with the names.

Los Angeles, CA
Wilmington, NC
London, Lambeth (UK)
Doctors Inlet, FL
San Francisco, CA
Birmingham, AL
Valley Village, CA
Columbus, OH
Raleigh, NC
Fritzlar, Hessen (Germany)
Washington DC (A shout out to the Feds. Woot!)
White Marsh, MD
East Elmhurst, NY
Chagrin Falls, OH
Bethesda, MD
Don Mills, Ontaria (Canada)
Bay Shore, NY
Snellville, GA
Milwaukee, WI
Las Cruces, NM
Eastwood, New South Wales (Australia)
Charlottesville, VA
Barcelona (Spain)
North Hollywood, CA
Phoenix, AZ
Las Vegas, NV
Yankton, SD

look--no! she really did recover.

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(taken later today)

making Tim Gunn... not so proud

paging CPS...
Let me tell you about my morning. I was in H-borough, visiting my parents with The Bug, and I wanted to meet my friend Jamie for coffee in Raleigh. This trip normally takes about 20-25 minutes, 30 on a very bad day. Well, with Raleigh being what it is, i.e. a lot of high-speed interstate driving among Evel Knievel's many descendents, there was an accident this morning of apparently ginormous proportions. The accident took place right underneath my exit's overpass, and though I never did find out what it was, I knew of the accident's existence approximately 9 miles in advance. Sigh. It happens. What can you do, other than roll with the punches, crank up the radio, cross your fingers that the baby will keep on napping, and meditate.
More than an hour and less than 5 miles later, Jamie and I decided via phone that I would take an early exit and muddle through the back streets of Wake and Durham counties to our agreed-upon destination, Caribou Coffee. I took the exit, and using my non-existent Spidey Sense, proceeded to get pretty damn lost. I backtracked, took another wrong turn, backtracked again, and eventually, freaking finally, just under 2 hours after I left the house, I made it to coffee.
Now, I noticed K.Lo needed a change just as I was putting her in the carseat before we left. I figured, well, it's all right. It'll be half an hour, tops, and I can get the kid into a new diaper, and all will be well. Not so. Also not so was the presence of any sort of back-up clothing, which, it turned out, was more than badly needed. After the diaper change, the whole outfit was going to have to come off, plain and simple. Caribou is in a shopping center with, what else, Target, and so I decided the best course of action would be to purchase a new, clean outfit for The Bug, and get her home.
The poor thing. I needed to at least, I don't know, wrap her in something. But what? There was no outfit, no blankets, no extra sweaters of mine thrown in the back. Keeping in mind that the absence of any of these in my car, much less all three, is unprecedented until today (and will of course, never henceforth be repeated). The only thing I had was a hat, and a pillowcase. And, they kind of matched, so... why not. So, into Target we went, carefully avoiding as many people as possible, straight to the baby section and the checkout line, where the cashier commented, "You gotta get some clothes on that kid." Hee. You think?
Meanwhile, you know that dream where you show up to school naked? My crystal ball forecasts K.Lo having a disturbing recurrent dream throughout her life of a similar nature.
I keep having this dream, where I show up to Target, of all places, and I'm not wearing anything... and everyone's staring. I don't know, it really feels so real, like I've been there before? What could it mean?

in order of FRIENDS

In accordance with my friendship obsession i bring to you another friend tier examination. Sometimes we fall into patterns with friends- my usual discussion centers around things we only do with one particular friend so that it becomes all we see them for- limiting their friend potential and their actual multi-facitedness as a human being... sometimes this can't be helped, but then sometimes aren't we being just a tad lazy and routine about it all- i suppose that's how all relationships run the risk of becoming stagnant though...

but my discussion here relates to the physical nature of time- morning, day, night- and more importantly what day of the week friends become pidgeon holed in. here our friends must be calandered in or they risk extinction. and it is also perhaps my problem that i too easily remember the exact month, year, or event and why i stopped talking to a particular friend- it is never a scratching of the head, i wonder. we just stopped talking...

i'd noticed this a while back with an old friend of mine named debbie. the routine: come to her house (which is an hour away), come in the middle of the week (preferably tues/wed), stay for lunch, dinner, talk, perhaps go shopping if she needed something. it was a pretty full day. and as i saw her somewhat infrequently it didn't seem to matter. a job would end etc. and i would go out to visit- except that a while ago we kept missing each other and 2 winters ago i had a gig that was lasting a solid 3 months. i emailed her and said i can't see you unless it's on a weekend or i won't be able to see you until my job ends in april. well then, i never heard from her until like oh- a year later. she could not seem to make the transition or be willing to give up one saturday for me. she wrote me when i had that 'soul sucking' job and she wrote very vaguely about her life and said, "well i hope to hear from you". i thought about it- i gave her what she gave me, not much- a vague description about the events of my life and ended the note with "okay, back to my internet research." i feel bad about it bcs after 10 years this was the first time she'd remembered my birthday but my deeper feelings were that i didn't really want a friendship on those terms. vaguely written notes about how time passes quickly and an unchanging but BUSY life.

now more recently i've had 2 friends do the same thing- which granted, okay i have a few friends so don't worry, perhaps i am the reckless friend and clearly too demanding and oft unforgiving- so this other friend, susan, i used to visit every couple of months during the day and i went to her. she'd make lunch. i'd stay for a few hours and we'd chat... and recently it became very hit/miss with this friend as well, and i said, i cannot see you unless it's during the evening or a weekend bcs my schedule won't permit it. she said, i'll get back to you and we'll keep checking our calendars. well unless she's willing to give up an evening i won't be seeing her anytime soon. and a friend, lets call her "ruth", thought i was a very good friend but of course that was only when it was on her terms, when we always met at her house and when doing anything else became impossibly inconvinient- now what brought this all up for me was friend #1 from the mean friend episode a while back- she said, well one of these days you'll have to come over in the morning when you're not working- i very melodramatically responded thusly: and yes 'one of these days' sounds very nearly like hell freezing over. mainly bcs i stop working around oct6th and then i go to chicago for kicks... and by then you're schedule will probably change or you'll start doing something to make your mornings busy... it was nice knowing you. a shame that i will never get to see your couches.

bcs i really did want to see her apt- and i'm sure one day i will. maybe. now, she's rolling her eyes as she reads this bcs such dire things like abandoning friendships bcs you can't fit them into your schedule don't really apply to her- but it's that gut reaction that when it comes down to being tested, some friends won't even give up a weekend to see you, so precious is their time. and if you're always the one calling, the one flying across the country- one day, one years or series of years it's okay and then suddenly it's not. and i don't know if they consider the effort you're making, these "lunch-time" friends... now if i were truly victorian and all i could do was spend my time making social calls i wouldn't mind- but perhaps this very mindset makes me aware of the snubs people make when they can't deem to give up an evening for you but must compact you into their dull day hours, and so become immovable. or maybe it's the surprise that that was the only way our friendship survived. i called, i came to them, i went away like an unthought of relative that you enjoy but well, if they died, so far out of thought are they, you might be slightly melancholy and go on drinking your jamba juice with a shrug. oh, so and so died, wow- that's sad. slurp. slurp.

and so breaks down the friendships: let's meet for a quick coffee friends, let's do lunch friends, let's go to 'this event' friends, let's find a saturday friends, i only see you on sundays friends, let's find an evening friends, let's email only friends, let's just talk on the phone friends, i can fly out to see you friends... until after one meaningless, careless, relationship after the other- slips thru your fingers- click after click- until your schedule fills. and one by one they begin to drop.

but i understand even as i say all this, that things like relationships aren't always permanent. and if i let it ride they will ebb and flow like the tide- and once where a friend drifted away they might one day drift back. it appears to me a reckless attitude toward friendship though.

i suppose you need that once and a while. but it seems a shame.

Monday, August 21, 2006

ringtone update

So last week I got this fantastic new ringtone for my phone, The Office theme song. And it really is great. However, you know when you put in a new ringtone for your phone and you're not used to it right away, and you're like, whose phone is that? And it takes a second for it to dawn, before you're like, oh, duh. Well, what's been happening is that I'll be at a store, like say Barnes & Noble, and I'll hear this music, and my brain automatically, before I even know what's going on, feels happy. It's like, what is that song, I know that song. And then it's like, OH! It's from The Office! They're playing The Office somewhere, like on the radio, or maybe they're showing an episode on a TV around the corner (because there are so many TVs in Barnes & Noble). And then I realize I'm completely retarded, and it's my phone ringing. And by then I've missed the call.

(pic from Life In The Office)
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Sunday, August 20, 2006


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  1. My kitchen sink. It's very shallow, and when I wash the dishes, the water spills over and soaks my shirt. I hate that.
  2. Cold sores. Generally, I am able to keep them under control with the help of CamphoPhenique. However, they are still there, and still threatening. And if one should happen to emerge in all its painful un-glory, look out.
  3. TV seasons that are only 6 episodes long, unless there is a solid excuse. For example, the first season of "The Office" began very late in the spring, so it is very short. However, this latest season of "Monk" began mid-July. Why is the finale next week, then? I don't understand. It's almost more sad than pet-peevish.
  4. Whenever people think I'm mendacious, or that mendacious is me. Not that I don't love mendacious. It's just that, we ARE two completely separate people, each with our own lovable, unique qualities. You might have been under the impression that we are one person, divided into two personas. Not so. Read: two bloggers=separate posts.
  5. The feeling of being watched. Like when my dog stares at me, thinking that her Jedi Mind Tricks will incite me to give her a treat. Every night, I can feel her eyes burning holes into my skin.
  6. People who don't just change the channel. I mean, if you hate a show, but enjoy that you hate a show, fine. Be intelligent in your analysis of why you hate the show, and/or savage in your dislike of it. But otherwise, just change the channel.
  7. And same thing with blogs--if you don't like it, why are you reading it?
  8. People on the road who cut you off just to slow down. I ask you, WTF is the point.
  9. The traffic circle at Mayfaire where there's a yield sign, but no one yields. And then they act like you did something wrong when you keep driving and have to honk your horn. Like, hey buddy, I'm just letting you know that I have narrowly, no thanks to you, avoided certain death.
  10. Mosquitoes in the house.

And that is all.


1. iced tea at 11:04pm. i continually do this to myself and am completely absent-minded to my sensitivity to caffiene. so as i stared wide awake around 1:30am i grimaced, caffiene! fuck! and i got up and watched a taped episode of city gardener and southpark- i turned off the tv, shocked it was almost 3 and then fell fast asleep only to jerk myself awake around 8, feeling suspiciously awake and lucid. and every attempt i made to sleep was foiled as i'd blink my eyes open as 5, 8 min past. and my body core seemed to be cooking me from the inside. fuck it. i'm up. fuck.

2. watching worldtradecenter. not for the usual whys though- (and i swear i went only bcs my friends and i were going to sit around and discuss it- which is always dangerous) it was just a bad, poorly put together movie, ridiculously assembled, boring stereotypes with some touching engaging moments that almost made me want to like it. bcs man i felt for nicholas cage and that random mexican guy, i really did. and that whole anti-sentiment thing was defeated when they were found and i started to cry- bcs fuck. sometimes humanity comes thru. well and then came the iced

3. working while tired i made completely poor food choices. chips with dip, hersheys minis and about 3 diet cokes. can we say bender.

4. did i even shower? no.

Saturday, August 19, 2006


is "DIFFERENT" ...
  • i hate cereal
  • i'm fond of typing in lower caps
  • i cuss a lot in my blogs (that's right beeatches.)
  • i don't talk about babies. (i hate all girl babies.)
  • i talk about getting fired a lot (pen 'never' gets fired)
  • i'm obsessed with friendships (pen hates friends)
  • i don't have any writer friends (pen has like a billion)
  • i'm not married, for which i cry daily
  • i live in los angeles (that's in california)
  • i want to go to nicaragua, in order to meet a handsome drug lord
  • i have $60,000 in school debt
  • i'm overweight
  • i'm 5'9 (pen is like 2ft tall)
  • i am clearly not "as" obsessed w/ TV as pen (i work in reality tv, pen lives in it (it's very different)
  • i'm narcissistic and over bearing, pen is neurotic and knife-weilding.
  • i have a fear trigger that makes me read classical literature in order to validate my intelligence level.
  • i don't juggle.
  • i am not an official member of the 'nordic lass' nation
  • i do not fear the sun
  • i like shorts
  • i like 'black orchid', pen likes kermit green
  • she's obsessed with muppets, brownies, gnomes, survivor, and pez dispensers
  • i am obsessed with my garden, being single, losing weight and watching Law&Order
  • i am not 'born to be free'...
  • i do not raise chickens

Clearly I could go on, but

  1. i need to go to bed
  2. use chapstick
  3. buff nails
  4. pluck chin hair
  5. floss teeth (you're proud of me right sarah?!)
  6. watch law&order CI.

Friday, August 18, 2006

that is so "three moons"

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I love this new show on TV called Three Moons Over Milford. I started watching because the commercials seemed so Gilmore-ish, to the point where I almost thought they used the same set to film. In fact, the actor who plays April's mom on Gilmore is actually on Three Moons.

The premise of the show is that the moon has (already) split into three pieces, and everyone thinks the world is going to end soon, so they're living their lives accordingly. I'm not addicted to Three Moons yet, it's kind of still on probation in my viewing schedule, but so far, so good. It has what so many shows lack, particularly any show dealing with such a monumental premise (i.e. the imminent end of the world), and that is finesse. Subtlety. And characters! And it's in a small Vermont town, not some big city. And it's funny and smart, not at all hyped or heavy-handed. Like instead of people forming a riot as they race to escape town, and shooting each other over what seems to be the last SUV on earth, the show's opening instead features, among other scenes, a woman watering the lawn naked, and an old lady riding the back of a hot young guy's motorcyle.

It kind of reminds me of the world now anyway, which I think is kind of the point, secretly or not-so-secretly in the minds of the writers. Any given day hearing the news, a person would think we're in our last days. Our "three moons" is the war, countries harboring or not harboring weapons of mass destruction, the latest terror plot, and skinny, sketched-out sociopaths in Thailand with their pants hiked up way-high, claiming to have murdered a six-year-old beauty queen. Ten years ago. Ahem.

On the show, the characters say things like "Is this a three moons thing?" or, "That is so three moons." I love it. And on the episode I just watced, Mack does some classifying of the three types that have emerged in the aftermath of the three moons:
1. Follow Your Dreamers--those who didn't want to miss their chance to do what they most wanted to do, and so just upped and left town to do it.
2. Chicken Little--those running around in a panic, worried constantly about exactly when the sky will fall, and
3. The Muddle-Throughers--those who, like Mack, are just sort of doing what they do, trying to get through the day, or life, or whatever.

Which kind of made me think, if today's world is really like Three Moons Over Milford (or maybe every generation is like this, in its own way?), then what category do I fall under. I tend to think I'm a Muddle-Througher too, but also a person who fights very hard against the natural tendency to be a Chicken Little. And also who maybe forgets too often that I used to be an adament Follow Your Dreamer--and that maybe I shouldn't try so hard to lose all of that.



: time

:footage of a karaoke singer BUTCHERING "stairway to heaven". upside two of the characters have a lovely dance.

:slow results

:yesterday as i was beginning my ride home i got smoked by a professional bicyclist. sure i have like over 100 lbs on him but still- he moved so lithely. i felt shamed as he blew into the distance and disappeared from view.

:my mind

:i could not go to sleep last night. i overslept. i did not get my printing project done. i continued to think about myself and no one else. this is always a dark time.


:my horrible computer being eaten up by a virus. sure i have backup drives but still- it's the idea of the "blue screen: physical dump of memory. please consult your system administrator." "you have 80 known viruses: begin quarantine now"

but still i'm happy. waiting for lunch. eating my sunflower seeds. drinking my ice water. watching my reality tv.

Thursday, August 17, 2006


i wish i had more to say about work- there was so much going on at the last logging job- bizarre habits of coworkers, reality star sightings, uptight beeatch supervisors, like you could feel the grasping climbing tension of hollywood- that this place in comparison is just completely off the radar- or at least where i'm at i can't pick it up as well. which is fine- i like this ignorance as bliss thing i've got going. i will take small risks like asking the coordinator for an "outdate" as in when the coffers will run dry, and i have to start "networking again" or once if we could leave early- but just once. the kitchen is constantly stocked. i make small polite strides at friendship with all the PA's, the office coordinator (who is completely sassy)- i'm still at a complete dead end with the post coordinator and supe. i did make the coordinator laugh when i said, oh you know, if we could know an outdate so i know when to start crying or... and he did a heh- like "heh" i'm subtly amused by your humor, you got me, dammit, i am ashamed to say, heh. but i will give you no more- now go. the story asst is completely off the map now. i think i pissed her off one day, confused by one of her searches, my constant questions which makes anyone with a job or authority quiver, and now we have nothing- but i'm getting to know a couple of the story people- and that's what's important- that and my constant supply of bbq sunflower seeds and chocolate covered almonds.

how? why?

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Last night, the ProRun3 panel decided to once again keep Vincent, and get rid of sweet Alison. I mean...I just don't get it. It's not that I have anything against Vincent, particularly. He's a little eccentric, yeah, and seems to be suffering from sad delusions that he will actually make it to Top 3. I'm sure he's a nice guy, and you've got to be a darn good designer to even get on the show, so there's that. Didn't particularly care for his comment that the outfit he created last night "turned him on," or whatever that inappropriateness was all about. (It was skeezy, the way he said it. Nina Garcia's face said it all.) Frankly, he just doesn't have the best track record, and I feel like he's narrowly skated through to the next round each week one too many times. The Twiggy "icon" dress, in particular was horrific. I felt like Katherine, in general, showed more promise. (If only she'd had time to make the hoodie!) And now, to stay on instead of Alison? I love Alison! She had a bad day--granted, a very bad day, what with the way the dress fit, and the model's Minnie Mouse hairdo. But she knew she had a bad day, and it was unfortunate circumstance of timing that her outfit did not turn out as planned. Whereas Vincent seems to think all his days are fantastic, when they are clearly, painfully not. And that is the difference.

I will miss Alison's mellowness, her cute little facial expressions and the way she said and meant that designing clothes was her life. Bye, Alison.

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In the meantime--Michael? Love Michael. He is my current favorite, with Kayne and (somehow, with her sometimes uncalled-for combativeness--I respect her straight-shooting) Laura being close seconds/thirds. And Uli. I do love Uli, and the way she sort of channels Heidi Klum, but on the design side. But Michael won me over forever last week with the fashion icon challenge, and that spectacular Pam Grier-inspired outfit. And his cool, polished, yet unpretentious way of speaking about his designs--nice. I did think Jeffrey's dress last night should have won the challenge by a hair, but what can you do.

Who are your favorites?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Yesterday, I made this:

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I bought the frame on my first trip to IKEA, ever, with mendacious in California. January 2004. And I was going to fly straight home and complete the project, I was, using tickets to movies seen in the theater by J.Lo and I. Good, bad, and ugly. There would be blank spaces for future films. Procrastinating two and a half years on a project only gives one more material. Remember that.

Today I:
Overspent at Costco. Not overspent, not really. It's just, I suppose I could have exercised even more control than I did. Although I did have a list and stuck determinedly to it. The payoff will be six weeks from now when I finally have to buy chicken again. I bought a take-and-bake pizza that was clearly too wide for the fridge, but I was like ohhh it'llbeFINE... I had to cut the sucker into four squares and house it on two separate pans to make it work. Make it work, people! I really wanted to buy a ROXY shirt, just because the colors were pretty, even though I don't surf, and probably never will possess one iota of the coordination it must take to surf. I can support the surfing community, however. But the shirt will have to wait for another time. Also, I purchased pajama pants that make me wish fall would hurry up and get here. But I'm always wishing for cooler weather in the summertime. Not for time to pass more quickly. Unless I'm in a really uncomfortable situation, such as working for an evil corporation, in jail, or nine months pregnant.

And I sampled:
drinkable yogurt
a mini taco
one cupful of Jelly Belly jelly beans (25% of which I spilled in the checkout line)
turkey salad on a pita, which I stuffed whole into my mouth just as the nice server lady asked me how old K.Lo is, which is:

Shixth schmunths. (Approximately.)

This afternoon I:
have worked out the teeniest bit (but it's still something)
have washed and folded 3 loads of laundry
have read a set of 6 board books (purchased at Costco) to K.Lo, who apparently enjoys dorky, off-off-off-off-way-off renditions of 5 Little Monkeys, B-I-N-G-O, and The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round
have briefly reviewed my new health insurance plan, which makes me nervous

Oh, and also yesterday, I bought "The Office" theme for a ringtone, which can be previewed here. Or something very similar. It is fantastic. I'm clearly too obsessed with the show, but I haven't found any one ringtone to be worthy of purchase in a year. So that's exciting.

RPP # 6

okay this is in the dining room. i wish it was more um, exciting. sometime after this photo he got accused of being an alien: ah good times. so anyway all has been going really well, all the people i know are awesome- the food keeps coming and my projected outdate is "october 6th"... so until then i'm collecting checks and living the high life.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

RPP # 3, # 4

i tried really hard to get my camera in place for the fedex truck that breezed by me with a 2" margain but keeping in mind my RPP #5 i decided to concentrate on making it to the safezone instead. sadly ashley, i chose to interpret "grass" as anything roadside, bcs really tragically it's a lot of concrete and luckily there wasn't much on the grass i did see. which was good... part of my travels make me think that if i ever won the lottery i'd donate money to improve the infrastructure- bcs really there's no need for my route to look like an abandoned ghetto-hole. however there's a certain magic in something so desolate, very small town, very on the fringe of things- a beautiful quiet after the rumble of trucks tear thru...

it's a total popularity contest

Kermit T. Frog: long-legged, big-eyed, friendly, green, and true. Knows how to tap dance, host a newscast, and ride a bike.

Miss Piggy: blond, snout-nosed, brassy, pink. A total diva, in love with Kermit (see above), but like all Muppets, good at heart.

Gonzo the Great: short, furry, and blue. Hook-nosed and a daredevil. In love with chickens.

Fozzie Bear: Huggable joketeller, dapper sense of fashion. Wocka wocka.

Rowlf the Dog: Gruff-voiced, piano-playing mellow, cool dog.

Animal: Wild, freaky-haired drum player in chains. Grunts a lot, destroys property.

Sam the Eagle: stately bird, serious, straight-shooting. Patriotic, commanding, and reminds us some things are still sacred.

Swedish Chef: happy-go-lucky cook, food flinger, and horgey borg. Can't understand a word he's saying, but horgey borgey borgey borg. He makes the celery dance.

Bunsen: the scientist. Smart, sincere, helpful, wears a lab coat. Makes potions explode.

Beaker: sidekick to Bunsen, also wears a lab coat. Sports one fantastic hairdo. Sweet, but don't cross him. Meemeemeemeep.

Monday, August 14, 2006

just NOW

today i am having some rice,beans with sueza sauce and leftover, nicely grilled, tender and perfectly seasoned skirtsteak- i am very very excited-

so okay, horrifingly i go to get my skirt steak and someone has thrown it into the TRASH!!! oh my god- but it's skirtsteak and i cannot let go of that fact- i get it out- thankfully it is in a corner untouched by most of the trash- still sealed in its bag. a piece of used bright blue gum stuck to it. the HORROR of someone doing that to me!! it made me as mad as going to church and finding a perfectly good orchid in the trash- so so angry. i wrote a couple strongly worded letters to let them know i will be tending to them in their absense. .. and i ate the skirt steak. dammit.

Sunday, August 13, 2006


there's been a delay in the photo projects bcs i had as the title implies the busiest weekend ever. EVER. . . which posting after the fact seems to put my busiest day ever in a sad light- but i will say have you ever had those days where you see a store and you pull over and do what you need to do but have neglected for months- then you see another store and empty your trunks of all the bags to goodwill... and you get home and do more work then watch a movie and eat popcorn and think you'[ve done a weeks full of work... so that when you get towork you feel that you've been gone a very long time so thatyou no longer remember why you're there or what you're doing... that was the kind of weekend i had.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

on THURSDAY, last...

okay, here's the bowl in all its sparkly glory. and that shiny orb to the right is the moon rising in the south. saweet. i went and heard/saw rachmaninov played- wow. seriously. the hands moved so fast they blurred. it was pretty fantastic to see such saucy piano playing live. it makes you appreciate the actual skill much more. and i looked rachmaninov up on wikepedia and he's another one of those sad russians who had to bail on their country. communism just fucked up that country all over the place. for another sad russian tale i recommend a movie called the "Theremin" which is a killer documentary of the creator of a fantastic (the first) electronic musical instrument. really. you must watch it.

at first i was totally going to bail as going to the bowl 4x in one summer is deemed excessive by most parts of my brain- but i was reminded by my contact that i'd harassed him for comps already so i felt obligated-irrationally to attend- it's just that he's the nicest guy ever and i would liken him to having favorite uncle status- whatever that means- but i know it's significant and why would you disappoint your uncle by not visiting him at work? plus he likes that i like classical music- anyway i was not disappointed. but more importantly it touched on my aversion to sentiment:Main Entry: sen·ti·ment
Pronunciation: 'sen-t&-m&nt
Function: noun
Etymology: French or Medieval Latin; French, from Medieval Latin sentimentum, from Latin sentire
1 a : an attitude, thought, or judgment prompted by feeling : PREDILECTION b : a specific view or notion : OPINION
2 a : EMOTION b : refined feeling : delicate sensibility especially as expressed in a work of art c : emotional idealism d : a romantic or nostalgic feeling verging on sentimentality
3 a : an idea colored by emotion b : the emotional significance of a passage or expression as distinguished from its verbal context
synonym see FEELING, OPINION

WHICH are perfectly normal things to have (right)- i normally race to the bowl late via whatever means necessary- bus or by foot i race the clock. but this time we had like a whole 20 minutes to kill- which explained my surprise that after announcements they opened the bowl up with the 'Star Spangled Banner' and i was like whhaaa? i was immediately jerked into confusion- do i sing, do i put my hand to my chest... where's the one singer- wait whaa? we're all singing... okay, i can do this- i like the star-spangled banner, oh my god, sniff. i love my country. oh my god i love LA. what is wrong with me. pull it together. you're confused. something is in your eye. shake it off. and the home of the brave... oh my god- i want to embrace my fellow man. no. no i don't. sit down. wait impatiently for the music to begin. deep breath. that feeling will go away. cynicism will sweep into replace it- hold on just wait for it. damn it. it's not coming. oh thank god. rachmaninov is starting. ah there it is. i'm distracted. i was beginning to think i was patriotic.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Dear Somebody/Anybody,

Please buy me this T-shirt. Women's size large (for boobs), any color really. It's the greatest ever, and so are you.

xoxo 4-evah,


It seems like dark chocolate is very "in" these days--have you noticed? There are so many dark chocolate products on the shelves, and they get darker and darker, i.e. 60% cacao or whatever. Anyway, this all works out perfect for an individual such as myself, who happens to love dark chocolate more than anything. I've always picked the Special Darks out of the Hershey's miniature bag before anything else.

NOW available, I'm excited to inform, is the new DARK CHOCOLATE M&M. I mean, it's like they finally read my mind. I haven't been this excited about a chocolate product since the introduction of the Big Kat, which I actually invented, thinking it would be the best candy bar ever, taking a single Kit Kat and making it BIG, but which some other inventor over at Hershey is taking credit for.

The dark chocolate M&M, I can vouch, is fantastic. Unfortunately for me, I discovered its existence at Costco, and was therefore forced to buy a 3.4-lb bag. Tragic, I know. But clearly, there was no other choice.

I might make cookies with them. (Since my grocery store, sadly, does not yet stock the Hershey's dark chocolate chips.) Hazah!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Dear Neuroses in a Spray Bottle,*

I'm going a little crazy again. I mean, you're plastic, so there's not a whole lot you can do about it, but I just figured I'd share. We're friends, aren't we? And that is what friends do, is share.

I know I'll never win the War on Bender Hair, but to put up a good fight, to at least go the distance, I can dream of that. Lately, though, what with the heat and all, combined with a shade of laziness, I'm falling way behind. The dogs are uber-shedders. There's hair everywhere. I hate to think about the a/c duct work, and what that looks like. But I can tell you the state of the floors, and the furniture, and the walls, and sometimes the food on my plate. Dusty. Speckled. Just as furry as the dogs.

None of this would be a problem if I would just let go of the notion that I'll ever come close to winning even one battle in this great war. But it seems that for the past few months at least, I've been channeling the urge to Control What We Cannot into cleaning. Not to the point of sparkling, of course, as that would be even beyond impossible. But cleaning, like spraying down counters, and sweeping up fur, and dusting furniture, and scrubbing dishes, and throwing things away, and organizing everything I can possibly get my little Penny paws on, such as paper clips: It makes me feel better, until it all starts to go to shit again, and then I just start over. Throw something else away. Ah.

It's just getting away from me at the moment. It makes my teeth itch. If I can't properly clean the house, how else am I supposed to calm myself? Starvation? Everyone knows that's no fun.

Couldn't you, I don't know, grow some legs and a little brain and just take care of the mess while we're all sleeping? Or maybe see if Roomba wants to go out on a date and create a love child together? Self-directed vacuum meets high-powered cleaning product--what do you think.

If you have any thoughts on the matter, please contact me soon.

*"Hope's Perfect Kitchen" is a fantastic product, one that works particularly well on major appliances, and one that I should surely use more often. If my neuroses were really to be bottled, I feel that HPK would be a great name. You know, it's like the striving and pressure for perfection, all rolled into one?

my cubicle

If you get a chance while at the office today--if you can have the sound on--watch this. Please do. (Thanks to J.Lo for pointing it out.)

Wednesday, August 9, 2006


The show has brought some questions to mind as well as left me with some sort of residual advertising desires...Here is a rough list:

1.Why do men strip?
2.Can you have an 'old soul'?
3.Beef Ribs
4.Swimming Pool
5.Money (i want it)
6.Meet-a-mate, will it work for me?
7.World Travel
8.I'm still anti-porn.
9.Did you know you can double your wrist and get your projected neck size. Then double your neck and you should get your projected waist size. Also the length of your arm span should roughly be how tall you are. My arm span is 6'. I am only 5'9. Clearly I was robbed. My wrist is 7 1/4. My neck should be 14.5...but it's 16. My waist 29- which would make me a size 14/16 minimum. Which is actually what I'm roughly working toward, when it's all said in done. Bcs clearly I am not that. ja'vu
11.I also like the word: schtuping.
12.I don't like hotwings.
13.I'm currently craving Gumbo.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

a place that will suck your whole life away

There are just so many other things I'd like to be doing with my life. Finishing the book I'm reading and starting another. Painting the magazine rack I started 2 months ago and never got back to. Writing our will (seriously). Journaling, watching TV, painting my toes. Playing hopscotch. The list goes on and on. So why I continue to eff with MySpace in the night hours is beyond me.

Three more people I found last night (all from high school):

1. A girl I kind of knew who's now an illustrator of kid's books, of which I'm green. She sat at my lunch table in high school, and in grade school we were in the Brownies together. Don't know if she remembers me, but she seems like the kind of person I'd like to hang out with now. Yet it would seem odd to send a message? And what, really, would be the point.

2. A girl who in high school had "problems." Aside from being painfully thin, but in an attractive, goth kind of way, it seemed like there was always something, whether it was drugs or a boyfriend beating her up or a pregnancy and then a miscarriage. She was once in trouble for wearing a black nightie to school and trying to pass it off as a dress. She has a boyfriend and a daughter now. I was frankly surprised to see she was still alive. (I mean that in a good way.)

3. A guy whom I sat next to on the bus traveling down from upstate NY to Disney World in the 9th grade. We didn't talk much. I feel like he just wasn't that smart? Like you could shake him and maybe hear some rattling up in his head? He's becoming a doctor.

I am NOT logging in today. I mean it.

Deep in the Summer Garden

this conjoined squash will be used to serve man- with some tasty garlic and butter and thrown on a grill. it is the pinnacle of good summer eats besides really good skirt steak- which we will be eating any day now as well- as soon as we a>get propane b>get charcoal. as we have run out of both and so have no options. for me grilling is really the only way to go- i love it so. which brings me to my jungle garden. this plant is particularly awesome as well and it's called "Love Lies Bleeding". This is an exceptional healthy one- usually they get top heavy early and flop over (hence the name) but this one is intact and taking over the world one step at a time- after that we've got the walkway which is now covered with pumkin vines- and our peach tree which a couple branches broke off of bcs they were too heavy. we've got about 8-9 of them- and the birds love them along with the sunflowers- i think we've got photos in there somewhere of what the pathway used to look like- and we haven't even finished it but we were too late- the vines, the summer- it all came too fast... but we do hope for a good harvest of pumpkins- so that it surpasses the bounty of last year. i find it miraculous in any context that things grow and we can eat them. i mean what exactly is that- that things like squash were just growing wild then cultivated... or peaches... or these alien love lies things? where did they come from... the earth i think is just blowing my mind right now- and it maybe bcs i'm dopped up on some chocolate covered almonds from trader joes or just have drank too much water. i am totally boggled. seriously we have nothing on nature.
do you guys ever watch dirty jobs? that also blows my mind- things i never wanted to know- about where things went to or where they come from sometimes- and one in particular called a GEO-duck? or something. it's like this gigantic clam. that can live in the wild for over 100 years- and we harvest them and eat them satayed or sushi'd? i myself have never... but someone out their does- all over places like seattle i think.
anyway, phew okay- i'm worn out- nature. seriously. it's too much. i need to go lie down.

Monday, August 7, 2006

RandomPhotoProject (RPP)

good morning. i have safely biked to work. i did not encur the wrath of one motorist and at work i got the - wow, no way- you biked to work? that's really cool. good job. thanks, i say- i try.

it was a good way to start the morning. and i've already had some unfulfilling cereal, string cheese, sunflower seeds, and an orange from the breakroom- now if i could only manage to stay conscious. . . as i am sleepy. probably due to lack of animal proteins.

this weekend i had a satisfying trip thru the house- where i vacuumed up all the cobwebs and hairball bohemoths- then i went thru the cupboards and chucked things that we no longer use- items such as: a quarter bottle of solidified honey, italian seasoning, old (very old) tea, and 10 of 40 "junk rags"- we have to start somewhere and as laziness overtook me sometime around 6 i did nothing but watch tv- but it is possible that there was nothing left to throw away or organize. which always makes me sad...

anyway the actual point of this post, since i have nothing left to clean- was to ask- for a RANDOM PHOTO PROJECT: please give me ideas about what you'd like a photo taken of during my day, specific moments, aspects, things i see, etc... (behave yourselves and be creative)...

Sunday, August 6, 2006


frick. i've been trying to post about this fricking thing forever. mainly taking people to the airport is a huge favor- especially bcs of the gas factor and the time factor and the traffic factor- really there are many things that make taking people to the airport in LA a pain in the ass- let alone we’re a terrorist target, or whatever. also though bcs rides to the airport aren’t based on date quality or relationship status- people are so desperate to get to/from the airport here that they will ask friends of friends, staple up announcements, bribe you (as they should) in order to avoid finding ways to the airport that don’t include you- people often ask me. and i look at it as a gesture of goodwill- bcs i have family here and i know what its like to live somewhere that you can’t obligate anyone into taking you anywhere- it sucks. it makes you panicky. and really sad at the thought of losing $30-$40 on cabfare. although i could point out that there are bus systems that are only $6 (roundtrip) and it saves money for all involved but i digress. i myself absolutely tantrum if my family doesn't pick me up- and if i have to take the bus i make them buy me in/out when they pick me up from the "flyaway" i'm usually hungry and really irritable so i don't often ask friends who may not ever wish to be my friend again if they see me in such a mood. it has happened- but there was one friend who had made it onto my family list but now she's in chicago. alas.

on wednesday i got an 830 am emergency call- can you take me to LAX - tonight- i didn’t ever hear why or what plans fell thru but they promised to go kayaking with me- this was the best trade off bargaining chip i’ve ever gotten. it clearly states that i’ve been doing it all wrong for a long time- i need to think of things i want this person to do with me and compel them bcs they owe me- thus making them obligated. i love it. i’m going to work on that whole angle- i’ll take you to the airport but you have to go to nicaragua with me. . . or i'll take you but you’re going to have to go hiking, fingerpaint or make cement molds with me. . . it’s endless in possibility... so j. huntington beach harbor 10am on the 19th. i am so there! but only if you want to and uh not cuz you owe me- but you uh, do owe me, so you have to come, sorry- no takebacks. xo.M.

Saturday, August 5, 2006

mmmm, pie.

Today I made a blueberry pie, crust from scratch and everything, and it is dee-licious. Also, in the slow-cooker, a batch of Thai chicken wings with peanut sauce. Rice on the side, and peas, to be all balanced and stuff.

It's raining. The sky finally broke. Which is good, considering the eggplant looked ready for the home. The rest of the garden is about done, and I don't think I'll do anything else with it this year. Maybe some herbs on a late-summer whim. I didn't even use any basil, which is a shame, but it's still there, so maybe I'll see if I can keep it. Maybe it will live inside.

In other news, or not-news, I started journaling again. I haven't kept a journal for...a really long damn time. Not sure if I'll keep it up, and this time I have no expectations, no delusions of grandeur. I'm doing it for the sole reason of having somewhere to put all the extra thoughts, the extra juggling balls that keep falling to the ground, rolling away and going squish. Like we were discussing on Kim's blog, journaling and blogging don't need to be mutually exclusive. There's just too much stuff going on up there to go into the blog, and frankly most of it's really boring. So there it goes, into a journal file. I'm using a setting on Word that automatically makes the background blue and the text white. Trebuchet, 12-point. I like.


i am: a clock. the fancy ones with digital readout, temperature, current location, stock analysis, the ability to write a novel or translate latin- but i am just sitting in my room. this makes me feel uneasy- as there is so many other things i could be doing.

Friday, August 4, 2006

I had no idea

Being the clueless mommy that I am, I had no idea that 6-month-olds can and typically will take up to 2-hour naps. Sometimes twice daily. Hazah!

My little bug usually goes down for half an hour (maybe) at a time, if at all. Not wanting to miss anything, she fights sleep with every fiber of her being, and when she cries, I go and get her. But, since finding out this fact, I've stopped caving and K.Lo is, as I speak, still sleeping after a good hour and ummm... 49 minutes. Can I just say? Ahhhh.

P.S. I feel...
Today I am: an ostrich in the outback. It's so hot that even burying my head in the sand for a second makes my hair hurt. (If ostriches had hair.) I'm dancing along the sand, wanting to be simultaneously everywhere and nowhere, wanting to strike up conversation with the local kangaroos, yet at the same time left alone to be the overgrown, awkward bird that I am. Ah, if only ostriches could have it both ways.