Friday, December 31, 2010


marley just caught the mouse in the house- with all the lights on in the middle of everything. a faint kerfuffle and mom carrying the cat in hand and mouse firmly clamped between his jaws.

harbinger of good tidings?
the final death nell for 2010. sure you want it to be cute and fuzzy but out of doors and not reaking havoc on your dry goods. hmm. such a stunning last occurance. makes me nervous that the next 3 hours won't pass quickly enough. or can i rest now? finally... rest...

for ole penelo-mine,

i know. i know. endure the ticking hours. though after knowing you for 11 years! it's like wait what? where did the time go? i mean we're thankful for 2010 to racing toward a conclusion though i felt november and december were long in the tooth but for the most part. snap. for me anyway. snap.snap. i don't understand it. all i can think is that i'm excited for epiphany to arrive. i vaguely know why. but tomorrow IS a new day. and amen to those. to the dawn. to a fresh breath. we need it right. another footing. some direction?

i'm home after a bustling day. i went hiking with danica in the a.m. totally impromptu (it was awesome), lunched with mom (a rare delight), traderjoed , frapp'ed, picked annmarie up athe airport, got kerrys car, went to poquito mas for dinner- and BAM- there went the day. though i averted several car accidents, people collisions and a general air of crazy out and about. You could feel it in the air, people just straining. maybe the year's been on hard on everyone. it probably has. and everyones like, just lets fucking get this done, shall we?

i am totally sad you did not capture pictures- these are mine from the day:

what else, what else. i enjoyed our 2010 rehash. i deposited some checks too and i have enough money to pay for my car insurance. probably not the doublemin's on all my cards but thats a start. ok its huge! lets not take it for granted. but i can only celebrate very quietly. i'm going to make some tea, eat a mango, light the candles and maybe craft? or read to mom or she'll read to me. but right now they're out at bigjims. dad lured mom to go look for a laser level that got stolen and lowes closed 5 min before they got there. anyway i could not agree more about the no-shame of the price club. its a wonderous place. lets be honest. granted not a big a bargain as it used to be but there's good stuff there. nevermind. and they've got a good meat section so sometimes you just have-to.

maybe i can rally the troops to play the officeclue with me on the new year. that sounds a perfect way to begin the day. oh and gluten free pancakes because dad broke the waffle maker. there it went careening to the ground. alas alack.

alright my attention span is totally gone. and ihave cornchip taste in my mouth.

holysnap- the colony just brought over a plate of ribs, another plate of potato salad, doritos and rice. um OMG. totally beats the savory and dessert tamales they sent over for christmas. shizzzz. i've got to go. i have to focus!
xo, to you my dearest pen. may this next year be bright and may it not be from a meteor, oncoming trains or hazard lights or the dying sun, but you know internally bright, not from something going nuclear or super nova, but you know sparkly like stars.

for auld lang m, my dear,

Hap- hap- happy 2011! Granted it’s not here yet, and oh you have to endure it 3 hours longer than I do, but the time is near! Cue the noisemakers and hats.

Today we were released from our home not unlike the kraken. I mean honestly it’s been forever since we’ve escaped. J.Lo did indeed acquire what appears to be a functional vehicle and names are currently under negotiation. We had big plans for today, but I’m sad to say that 2010 is getting in its last hurrahs by giving me yet another cold and breaking my camera for good. First the zoom went, months ago, and now it just won’t focus. Like at all. Under any setting. So there are no pictures from our adventuring, at all, which I know you are at least as sad about as I am.

I did however find a refurbished camera on ebay for under $100. Score. It’s on its way.

Anyway – back to today. We did the Science Center, which is located in the old tobacco district and also utilizes the former Amtrak station. There are taxidermied yaks in there. Among other awesome displays. They even had my ever-favorite cockroaches (not taxidermied but live) and though they absolutely give me the shivers, I feel like somehow the place became legit in that moment, standing before them. There’s a caboose outside, a butterfly garden open in the spring and also lots of neato things in the main building to teach and amuse le children.

Lunch was done on Main Street and was super delish (and cheap). We’ll be going there, you and me. I had “Mexican Chicken” and J.Lo had a chicken cordon bleu sandwich that made Chik-Fil-A’s grilled chicken fare look like dirt. And you know I love CFA. The children had sandwiches with the crusts specially severed and surprise cups of M&Ms provided by the cooks. Which was totally sweet.

Next we were supposed to go the library for the first time, but dammit it was closed. I mean, I’m going through severe deprivation without library access. I’ve actually purchased two books in the past two weeks, and I still feel a tiny bit gross about it. I know. Get over it. Anyway, we’ll gobacksoon. Like Monday maybe. Instead we went to J.Lo’s office where the kids drew all over the white board and I played with a chain of very powerful magnets and J.Lo finished up some work he missed yesterday when purchasing le car. Which of course was a fiasco, but that’s a story we’ll tuck away into the very thick 2010 Shenanigans File. 

We checked out the big park downtown. A bit muddy today, but otherwise rather awesome and sort of sadly uncrowded? Like where were all the children, it was lovely outside. And as K.Lo noted, “It has a FISH BRIDGE!” which is just like one of our parks in ILM. Lots of points for the fish bridge.

On to SamsClub, which is just not Costco and never will be. But it will suffice. Because now our fridge is filled with beautiful proteins and produce and I nearly wept at the giant tub of queso in the refrigerated aisle. Viva la queso! Wee!

Grilled Fillit MigNon for dins and a tasty salad never tasted so damn good. I almost feel gross about my burning love for the price club but whatever. IT’S AWESOME.There should be no shame in loving the price club.

Less than 3 hours left. Squee. Hopefully we’ll make it through the last of this year unscathed and avoid any hosting efforts by Dick Clark, who really should at this point be allowed to stay home on NYE. Poor Dick Clark. The couch is nice, buddy. I plan to enjoy it myself with the help of some red wine and what what? That’s right – a game of Office Clue.

xoxox and cheers to the new year!


This Year In Random Pictures,

Thursday, December 30, 2010


The fact I had to go back through the blog and review should tell you about the haze in which i walk 2010. Part of me can't comprehend that NewYork and Seattle happened within the same culturally defined 365 days. But onward to the critique. I don't know what to say about you 2010. Certainly my friends are done with you and on their behalf you lose marks- and currently I am in the grief of being in the world and all the tragedy and grizzlyness of it all. I did remind myself that biblically speaking we are somewhere warned to look toward the light and not the dark. So there's that. But i have to say, what a strange year.

First off the shadow cast over all of you is my relationship with the EDD. It hasn't been the most positive relationship ever. A little overdramatic. A few close calls, do we end it, do we not. As I sat watching that thin and pallored tuba player shuffle his last at the end of the RoseParade I certainly didn't think we'd be here. The day was warm, and we saw the tuba being put in the back of a van and knew he hadn't made it. But it'd been a year and we were still together. There was that break I took from July to Sept, but then we got back together and i thought ok but we didn't even make it through November and there was trouble again, and because I put spins on things, I'll totally call the EDD bailing me out through March a Christmas Miracle. Which it is. But lets be honest, this relationship won't last. You're going to leave me. You're totally not really good for me in the long run, and you and i both know we have to part ways. But at least we have 3 months to divide up our belongings and talk it out and come up with a plan and lists. I'm not saying we still can't be friends, but really I know it's going to be a while. And running through this like a thin but steel-cabled anxiety is what exactly AMI going to do when the parents move out? Things keep weirdly getting delayed which makes me think something is coming around the corner, whether a husband or a job--- i will i wonder, will I? soon be married to something? or will i be walking this tighrope of getting over you for another who knows how long? Jesus what are you up to? I mean thats the thing- about this whole year really- I think you've got my best interest at heart but man, where is this all heading?

The other thing that I could've done without was my friendship with neurosis and allergies. You have ruled me. And I've had to set up some firm boundaries to keep you at bay. Soy-lecithin, whatever the fuck you are, really does make me break out in hives for whatever reason but so does other random things I have no idea what I ate, when I ate it. It's annoying. Please, and the I might be allergic to strawberries? You've got to be kidding me. What the fuck body? 2011 better have some answers is all i'm saying. And I'm going to bring up the random shoulder pain and heel tragedy of the left side, right now. The upside again, 2010, you're lucky I'm sunny because over the summer i relearned to walk and i found myself doing chattaranga in a safe and non-hazordous to my shoulder way- lesson learned. Ok. I got IT. You don't need to keep reminding me. Since then you've done nothing for my waistline and whatever is going on with my twinging right quad has got to stop. You get marks for improving my neck but that was more Jesus and less you but still I'm going to be generous. 2011 i'm going to need to see the downslope.

Twenty-10, you did give me the word "erratic". I'd had it from before but i embraced it as my own. I am erratic. I had no idea how much it would define me through the year. The fact that I several times went the wrong way on a one-way street, pretty much sums that shit up. You know, that old woman wagging her evil finger at me, like a dare to my rebellious and defiant ways and i was like, what? and off i went. The one counter to that came in February when I got the HolyDays commission. That has been a solid gold thread of obedience and blessings, even when I noted in January that I needed to cut up my credit card. (There was a drawing with flames and a pitchfork right next to it.) I'll get back to that in a minute. That commission gave this year its title. The year of necklaces. There is no way to escape what an impression, what a labor that has been. It blows all the other to-do lists out of the water.

However, March was fairly volatile after erratic got stuck to my back. So I don't know 2010. I pretty much agree that it was for everyones benefit but shitman- why can march be summed up by Ghosts? The highs of the shooting range and fondue, to a russian orthodox funeral, and the bare trees of a yet arrived spring. Pen and I did do that ghost tour, where we both smelled that musky smell of wet wool, but then her grandma olga died, and i made that drive into NY into the guts of harlem, and death stayed right at my door step as I arrived at the Olga to see Joanna into her lovely new digs. It did bring the money thing to a head. I got speared in the gut by Condemnation and still haven't quite shaken the attack but it drove me deeper into praying things and healing so whenever I think about it i do this with my hands (up the scale goes, down the scale goes, levels out). But there's still a chill in the air whenever I wonder about that whole trip. Despite that there was some real beauty to all the pain and loss, I won't deny. Walks through central park and opera and being serenaded at a piano bar, the cloisters, klo's first tea, and books on tape, and dreams foreboding and wondrous dreams.

By April 2010 the emotional meltdown thing came to a 2nd smaller crescendo. So again, 2010- really? I've never been really fond of sobbing and yet here i am again. Breaking up with Biola. I mean I get that the two of us didn't belong together, but was the crime scene necessary? So, so grim. And that woman! I can't shake her. What a harbinger. She might has well had a scythe and black cape. I get it ok. And just like march there was an upswing- warrior dash, the card "not all who wander are lost", quinoa, acupuncture, and the healing rooms of anaheim vineyard, and a trip to Chicago, oh but then there was my first ever visual migraine!.

And though by May i was completely frustrated that I wasn't 100% good at everything, especially engineering, i was visited by that Jay nomenclature and that most awesome jumping spider with the metallic pincers- and after my birthday I got to rub mud all over my body and dry out in the sun and I had some awesome korean food. And the summer with its trips to the beach and I got to meet Ash in person, just confirming the fact I've known her my whole life anyway. And my brother visiting which, oh geez. About time 2010. About time. But that's not your fault. You did facilitate the quasi-bathroom renovation of June. But hello, its now end december and are there any tiles in my Epiphany stocking? I highly DOUBT IT.

Then ok, remember the break from July-Sept. I finally began to confront, again, the fact that I am 34 and I am not ok with being a PA. Still. I am not ok with the industry. I am not ok with E! And yes in the meantime (beyond the spiral of this year) I had awesome danica outings, a trip to ventura with Sarah, wandering through Ojai with Kerry, got better at wii tennis- and I got my new name- One of the Judges (seriously revelatory)- the nigerians hacked my email account, my prayer council began a colossal meltdown, i was promised a jesus sculpey but it hasn't come 2010. (I mean I'm just saying.) By October I was exhausted by all these random highs and lows. The fidji shoes which still kick ass. Going to seattle...gluten free bread and icecaves... but then Zep dying. What is with the back and forths!

By November I finally started using my IPOD that I got in January. I went on that awesome spiritual retreat- total highlight. Downside? Yes. Jesus asking me to examine my loneliness- no-thank you. Of course He knew I needed an xbox video game obsession to get through that. You've got to be kidding me. And doing the math on how old the rest of my animals are- don't do it. Bad idea. They're all going to be dead in the next 2 years. Suck it! And lets talk about it, i broke up with my creditcard. Yes we've been having an affair, on and off since like 2001. And its way out of hand. I might as well be straddling Satan in a seedy strip club in van nuys. I so had to end it. What a fucking foothold. Needless to say it has not come without some consequences. The game setting was at easy. It zoomed past normal to Hard. And my gut can't quite stop doubling over and gasping for breath. It's shaky to say the least. And no, there's no way I can stop talking about it. Shiver. And then as we know the epic doldrums of Advent... Oh and then the day after Christmas thieves broke into my parents new garage and stole $8000 worth of stuff.

Anyway I've gone on too long in my quest to be almost thorough with you 2010. And I'm still at a loss. What the fuck was your deal? Dude, I don't even know. But then i remember all the prophesies and dreams and conversations. And there's got to be something happening here in this manic episode called 365days. I wonder. I sort of marvel at it. And in my landscape I'm getting drenched with rain on my way down the mountain.

So see you 2010. Some how you were a turning point, a brutal agony, a battle, a carcass, a field springing to life, a song, a dirge, a knife through the ribs, a bliss overlooking the kingdom, a flower facing the sun. I cannot tell you.



It’s time for my letter to you. I’d call you “dear,” but you are no more dear to me than giant cockroaches, slimy silverfish and moldy bread. In short, there’s less than a day and a half left of you, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to see you go.

Being obsessed with details and prone to concessions, even where undeserved, I’m not the kind of girl to assess any given situation in a black-or-white way. So I’ll concede that 2010 brought me some good things ~ deepened friendships, online and off. A sense of contentment (resignation?) with where we lived. I saw M. I went to the lake for the 4th of July. Two good friends were married. I had a new job that I was thrilled to acquire. J.Lo also miraculously landed new work. With a great new church, my faith deepened. And 2010 did bless me with countless little everyday joys. Not to mention a fabulous new pair of boots.

But let’s just be blunt: As a year, 2010, you pretty much blew. Early on, you ripped me off for a few hundred dollars on an airline ticket that, due to ticket transfer fees, I’ll never get to use. I saw M, yes, and on my birthday to boot, but then unexpectedly had to drag her all the way up the east coast to my grandma’s funeral. And although I wasn’t close with them, my grandma’s sister, brother and goddaughter also all died in subsequent months. My brother had skin cancer and my father was diagnosed with Barrett’s Esophagus. J.Lo’s way-too-premature cataracts worsened. Bailey Brown, a.k.a. sweetest dog alive, had an oral tumor scare. And you took M and s.m.’s Zep!

You killed our car time and time again, and hundreds more dollars, as well as a great, smoking heap of frustration, was spent on towing and labor. You gave me the prospect of teaching a graduate-level writing class on slavery – and then oh, that didn’t work out, either. And granted, it didn’t work out because we decided to move, but if J.Lo’s job hadn’t sucked ass in the first part of 2010, we wouldn’t have had a need to find a new one. So thanks a ton for keep him in a low-paying, demoralizing, soul-sucking, badly managed environment and giving him no other choice.

And thanks, too, for making our move so damned difficult. I mean really. J.Lo’s 2-hour-a-day, 6-hours-every-weekend commute was a real thrill for two insufferable months, especially those times the car died and required new alternators, a post-bedtime rescue mission an hour outside of town, an 80-mile tow, and a painfully long refund process. Among other inconveniences.

Also, single-parenting during that time was super-awesome. And by super-awesome, I mean exhausting, depressing, confining, frustrating and not altogether great for my parental self-esteem.

The house-hunting process was also uniquely joyful. J.Lo is so scarred from early property viewings, he still can’t even divulge many details beyond ceiling holes, bird skeletons, faulty framing and leaky basements. And then there was the place we thought we had, only to be slapped down at the last second in the face of an uptight homeowner and an $11,000 deposit because we like to keep our dogs indoors.

Thanks – no really, thanks a bunch – for not one single flipping house showing in 2010. Talk about making the process difficult. Oh wait – there was a single showing appointment, conveniently scheduled during moving week, in which I worked my ass off for 12 hours straight to make the place presentable and no one ultimately showed up. And no one told me. That was rad.

And it was super-awesome as well when you decided to change my job that I loved all around so that I quit and un-quit and am still, still on a ridiculous emotional roller-coaster ride, wondering if I should stay or go. Way to strip away the goodness and meaning.

Strep throat on Thanksgiving was a real treat, followed by the Death Cold, a fallen arch/bum ankle and another cold smack dab in the middle of the moving process. (And that was all just me, nevermind J.Lo and the children’s own illnesses, doctor visits, medications and bills. And my caring for them.) But none of these compared to the stomach bug acquired the night before Moving Day. Vomiting my face off until 3 AM. I mean, you had to be kidding me. Except you so weren’t. What the EFF, 2010. I could barely lift a damn box the next day, much less drive myself, the dogs, the fish and the children 3 1/2 hours to our new destination.

And since we’re leasing/holding down a mortgage simultaneously, finances are as interesting as ever. You know the details, and you know they suck. Thanks for not doing us any favors there.

Now nearing the bitter end of you, you insist on maintaining your awesomeness. Why not go out with a  bang, eh? Throw an esophageal cancer diagnosis at my longtime BFF’s father and put another relative of ours in the hospital – why not. It’s fun stuff. For you.

I’m sure there’s more, but I’ll not waste another second lamenting you. Let’s just hope that in spite of the Apocalyptic-fearing culture that’s about to unfold in response to misinterpreted Mayan predictions, media hype and Ashton Kutcher’s annoying preparations, your younger sibling 2011 does better. Because let’s face it, the bar has been set pretty low.

Not at all fondly,



First may I say that this is my new desktop picture. Yaaaaaay!

Tomorrow we’re going here. Which hopefully will appease me the children after suffering a week home with frigid weather outside. Although at least there was a bit of bike riding yesterday, once the bitter, snow-to-sand winds abated. And soon it’s going to be 50 degrees and sunny? Who knew. My sinuses can’t keep up. So obviously a park excursion will also be in our short-term future, and the checking out of our neighborhood… lake? What? Apparently there is a lake. I know nothing more.

Also, we’ll have to join Sam’s Club this weekend and acquire a decent selection of proteins. Please and thank you.

I have many ideas for the children’s play room as well. Bright blue walls. A dress-up clothes area under the stairs – we won’t make Harry Potter sleep there. I want to make something like this – loosely. I have ideas. And we must acquire a new ceiling light fixture as well, something happy and bright. At the moment, it’s a bare bulb, which obviously is not acceptable. And let’s not forget the space heater, which has been ordered and is on its way.

Today we’re crossing fingers and toes and praying to God and St. Christopher (and St. Joseph, always St. Joseph, RE: the house) that we can acquire a functional vehicle for J.Lo. We are done fixing Monty Montero and are ready to bid him adieu. I can’t say I loathe, but I’m also not fond of, his green visage after two maybe three years of the Same Old Problem, fixed several times over and including a tow or five or six. We could have bought a new car with that money alone. For now, we just need something that runs.  Or rolls while powered by motor, as the case may be.

Which also means we had to make some company-wide budget cuts and for now, we’ve nixed preschool. Grim but true. K.Lo will enter freeschool, i.e. kindergarten, in the fall anyway, and N.Lo can wait. They’ll not suffer, I don’t think. I might, a little. But for the most part once we made that decision, it felt like a weight lifted, which obviously means we’re doing the right thing. The Gut has spoken.

Although don’t ask me how, in the company of children, I’ll accomplish the 50-11 errands I have slated in the coming weeks: join a gym, find a pediatrician, visit the DMV and tags place, etc. etc. and more etc. We won’t ponder that ust jyet.

Love to you. Are we resolving anything in the New Year? Let’s discuss.

penzy fly

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


a windstorm is brewing outside and finding its way inside our drafty house. murder she wrote is on, set in australia this time, a perfect compliment to a dark and somewhat ominous exterior. she's come to see if she's a distant niece of a departed so and so. it doesn't seem like this scenario would ever happen to me unfortunately as I have too many cousins wandering about to be the last line of anyone though i'm at the last line of me, but anyway i hope never to run into a deadbody although i often wonder in what scenario would that ever happen. nor do i want anyone i know to be murdered or disappear or die really. i found myself weeping at about 5 spots in toystory3 as if it was the most heart rending thing i'd seen since deadpoets society, and no one died it was just tinged with loss. but nevermind. as you say mortality, the shadowland seems to hover perpetually on the periphery of us sensitive souls. and why some glimpse more of death than others sometimes seems more a matter of design than randomstance- i wonder. even though we can scarcely grasp that death comes for us all. and yet still it doesn't make life a culmination to tragedy. i had a good conversation with my cousin on tuesday all about whether common sense was culturally learned aka inherited by judeo-christian beliefs the country was founded on or if it was "innate" and encouraged or just simply learned... of course right as we left my cousin was about to tell me about the strange occurance that happened to him that one time after his friend had died but it was too weird to be talked about- my specialty i assured him- but he slipped off the hook and into his car. and then mom came home to tell me that she saw a kid open a lid off a type of sucker, lick it and replace it! mom told him that you shouldn't do such things and he said, but i didn't like the taste... obviously not understanding the point. common sense indeed. the mom didn't understand either with the other 4 kids at her heels and the various gluttonous sampling they were doing of the bins. i mean sure, ok, a bite right? we've all been there. i mean whole foods leaves open bits of things as well as costco, but where's the line? when they don't even know the law let alone the spirit.

onto other small matters,
dad is on a rant about me taking all the purple popsicles, which is untrue. they are the most delicious, and there simply never enough. . . and though the day seemed to spin i managed to finish all the necklaces. last of the last of the last... except for a couple more oneoffs here and there.
i woke up still smelling like garlic no matter how much flossing, gargling and brushing and chewing i did of a mint and stringent variety. and i paid that bogus $50 fine- cash mind you. that hurt.

i'm currently pondering if i should cut my hair or maybe just go crazy with layers? as i haven't dyed it lately. anyway tomorrow i yoga and thats about it on my list. resenting my sideburn hair thats for sure. what else. what else. reading aloud the IR 'mysterious benedict society'with mom... pillows... my unbudging waist line...

(que staring into space 20min)


Tuesday, December 28, 2010

m dearest,

I feel you. It’s truth. I think being so attuned and aware of the shadows always, it’s difficult to embrace Christmess (coined brilliantly by ash), with the sense of complete joy that perhaps it should bring. I mean for me it wasn’t just the move this year and the sense of cramming in the decorating and the shopping and the festivities. In recent years (when?) words like “wonder” and “magic” and “anticipation” have evolved into something more like “rote.” I mean not completely. As ever, it’s a mixed atmosphere of shadows and light. I can now only consume music in small doses. But I will always, always love my tree, lights and ornaments and all. I mentally bat away dark thoughts about Chinese sweatshops and the overconsumption of so much plastic stuff. I eat up the mounting excitement of the little ones, with their wishes and countdown calendars and Santa dreams. During normal, non-moving years I make ornaments and bake. I look forward to candlelit services and traditional Christmas Eve and Day fare. I devour leftovers with gusto.

But threaded through this beloved celebration is a heaviness, a sense of loss (of what?). Perhaps it’s the lack of enthusiasm in the exchanging of family wish lists, as though it is just another chore to tackle and be done with. The factions of family that choose never to visit. The feeling of our core group being scattered all over the east coast due to completely normal progression – marriages, jobs, children – but I still wish we could all come together somehow. Make that effort. And while it’s certainly easier to create a wish list for gift-givers to check off, it does emphasize the fact of our separation, that we’re not to each other’s homes regularly enough (or at all) to know what each other likes and has or could use – and anyway, is deviation from wish lists and our creativity and thoughtfulness even received well? appreciated? Pretty sure that would be a no. So I, too, just buy off the lists.

And while I’d love to mindlessly plow ahead with the shopping and the shipping and wrapping and unwrapping, my wayward thoughts do land on the accumulation and the fleeting fascination with new gadgets and how fast it all (time) goes. And how before we know it we’ll be doing it all over again, with last year’s acquisitions used or trashed or dusty or forgotten or outgrown. I know it’s not like that with everything. Maybe it’s the “outgrown” part that bothers me the most and how time seems to race faster and faster – too fast. Maybe I’m too obsessed as of late with mortality. But isn’t that what it always comes back to, even if it’s painted as such a dark thread in our world?

Although I suppose if it always does come back to mortality, that should ground me right back to the true meaning and essence of what this season is all about.

I don’t know. It’s too big to put into words really. But I do get it.

more soon,


Saturday, December 25, 2010

dear penelolight,

my dad is in the living room watching ben-hur. i moved from the living room for one moment and the christmas music ceased and now the rumbling of chariots echos through the small house. i had blown out the candles, lit since this morning, so perhaps i was relinquishing the festivities to the mundaneness of microwaved hotdogs and the furtive looks of charlton heston. and yet still. it seemed too soon. mom and i did manage to make gluten free skinny pancakes so that tradition long standing since i was a kid may continue unabated. and 'how the grinch stole christmas' arrived in the nick of time yesterday so we could watch it while we lit the fire in the fireplace and sat down to breakfast in the living room. (another tradition). dad the most unfestive among us, who vocalizes no traditional desires, (though deep down in a rent of his heart he has them) also managed to put checks in the tree for mom and me. mine wasn't that big but i won't complain... he does probably think i get enough already.

now the pluckier among us insist there are things to celebrate on this holiday of holy days. and i agree, its the baby jesus. sweet good baby jesus come down to the mess and muck of the world for me. and i am grateful. grateful for the whole configuration of it. that light leading the wisemen and the glory of the Lord appearing to shepards. and marys birth pangs. and josephs fear and awe. but God did design us to need people, companionship- no man an island and it IS hard when you have so much to fight against and baby jesus is still sweet and profound in his manger and you don't have a husband to help you carry it all up the hill. or children to bring good tidings and joy to. think about it. it-is-lonely. it is lonely to be surrounded by a quarrelous faithless family. and no money or flour-filled treats to fill it with. suicide rates increase for the holiday season for a reason. all the pain and the lack are poignant and devastating. but i do agree its a better thing to find a meaning outside of what coulda shoulda woulda be.

and mom and i upon further discussion decided that its because generationally its new. we can only do so much as intrepid explorers of our family to breathe sacred life into events other people take for granted. it's a struggle but it is not without reward. however, i resent the idea that i may never get to carry it on to anyone else. regardless of how loved i feel by friends or by my mother- it is not big enough to fill that lack. and i will even as the tide turns to joy as God IS with me, continue to struggle with the abyss at my shoulder.

but so far as i'm back here and now and not in my head, and the parents are gone to my grandparents house, and my dog is curled up on the couch chair i can tell you the things so far that are warm blankets on a chilled heart:
  • prime rib (day before christmas eve, boxing day and possibly a turkey for new years)
  • christmas trees and making garland
  • friends giving me things i most wanted like butterscotch sees pops and my fish air freshener called gordon and unexpected things like a vase marked with religious symbols and a book on the liturgical season. thoughtfulness washes over me and makes me want to return it.
  • gluten-free skinny pancakes and a big breakfast christmas morning
  • a fire in the fireplace
  • how the grinch stole christmas, a christmas story, a nightmare before christmas and anything having to do with scrooge and tiny tim.
  • a candlelit service (good enough even if its for 2 songs)
  • christmas music
  • time with friends
  • reading with my mom
  • tea and sliced apples
  • dad and mom going to get the tree (dad doing anything with season) a big and stately tree i might add.
  • still being eligible for unemployment (i add that in there as a christmas miracle of sorts)
  • making christmastide necklaces

ok, its time for lunch. some sort of leftover. staring at that bright blue sky. pondering christ come down to earth to save us from the bondage of decay. amen amen.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


because you care:
in other news cathy told me her color for 2011 would be hotpink and suggested i find a color. perhaps it will be goldenrod- or is this more like indian summer, gold, or liquid sunshine? i have been in a dark purple called 'black orchid' for the last 8 years (the bedroom color). i don't see myself throwing that over anytime soon. but visually i do feel more vibrantly jewel toned. we'll see. in reviewing the blog entries for december i do find we change a lot as much as we stay the same. its all in the nuance isn't it.
anyway i've got to go back to lounging or sewing myself a bedskirt.
besides that i'm fighting off a cold. woke up with the lymph nodes and a scratchy throat. have been dosing ginger, vitc, liquids and inproductivity.

Monday, December 20, 2010


if you're my mom and reading this, i will be complaining about christmas, as i always do, year after year. you don't have to read it. you are my christmas all year round. all the best parts.

there's something about x-mas pen, that i wish i could carry the burden of by myself. but whenever it comes to it i stand at the threshold and can't. i need a family. i need a loving father. i need someone to put up the christmas lights with me and i want it to be a big deal when the angel is the last thing on the tree. mom always used to put up stockings and i do recall treats for santa, and the insatiable desire for gifts was always there. so that's not it. its not mom- the fudge was there, the cookies, the skinny nordic pancakes, and all the christmas treats. but there have never been any stories, or any songs or any movies, or any mirth. no rituals but mine. and a definite absence of jesus. mom does like to look at lights- dad too. that was always nice. but there is never any warmth by the fire of togetherness. which is why christmas has always been a lonely place for me. its the same over and over about christmas eve alone with my hostile teenage brother, every adult playing pinochle, and me bored out of my mind, listening to the dullest jazz on earth, looking at the tree that is dressed identically the same every year, on the same brown carpet, and the same painfully uncomfortable couch. to my dads side that offered no relief, filled with cousins i never played with to aunts and uncles equally alienating to unfriendly, boisterous and loud, and tasty food but just as isolating. same/same. it's all a wash in my perception. ah remember that one year i got to be somewhere else for christmas? that was nice. i did make a stand this year (another one) and say i was going to the christmas eve service at church instead of going over to my aunt/uncles- but then its just one more piece of evidence to say i'm walking this path alone, and the family i do have i'm rejecting outright. the jesus thing is a pretty important factor and a lack of spiritual leadership in the family on top of a lack of overall non-leadership, and non-faith, and non-warm friendliness leaves them in a desolation and me needing to seek solace somewhere else for my own safety.

ll said the other day that i should pick things that are meaningful to me and do them. its hard though when you automatically start a process of internal detachment almost completely out of my control. its hard to rally. the necklaces have really really been a help. i am feeling, as i probably said, very adventish. i will say though equally every year something keeps ripping through. as i equally pull back another part of me is straining for the tree, and the lights and the decorations and the presents and maybe one year, it'll push back early enough where i can have enthusiasm for all those things. instead of gasping toward the decorations and not even able to conceive of gifts. but this year we got advent necklaces, and the pillows out i made last year and a final push for decorations right on the 11thhour- maybe next year it'll be lights, gifts, and cards for everyone. i don't want christmas to = sad, lonely, depressed, despairing, and fretful, but it does. and my attempts sometimes successful = internal optimism, abiding in jesus, knowing the abundance i do have. and i can start early on spreading the joy and goodwill and tidings and what not next year. and be a voice for that myself. we'll see. maybe i'll get into gluten-free baking...
anyway how's your fallen arch? make sure you're not favoring the outside of your foot too much cuz that caused mine some serious trouble after the fact. i'm finally doing better in that dept. it doesn't seem fair you're now having to hobble around. i think i might be getting sick or something in sympathy to you but at heart i don't really accept it. *sniff.
also unrelated i'm jealous of your internet saavy.
oh and wait, what? propane heat? what?
well nevermind, i hope you have a fabulous christmas in this foreign environ you're in. and i do love that santa is a hot mess. sans the you getting knocked around part. you're having a tough time with the various plagues and upsets, and i'd rather you not be having a tough time. maybe we'll get a girls weekend in chicago come feburary... or march? or... i don't know.
otherwise i've been knocking stuff off my madeuplists- buttons sewn onto dress, check. b/w checkered dress DONE (never to alter another dress AGAIN), decorations up (maybe make some garland)... there was some other stuff. i bought a new sheet set for my bed... golden rod. daring i know. i only have the one set oddly and it disintigrated- frayed, ripped and there it went. i will take pics. so when i went to see blackswan (crazy and fucked up lets be honest- but you know i appreciate a somewhat interesting insight into the descent into madness and in my mind demonic oppression but whatever), i went and got them along with overdoing it and getting a frap when it was cold and rainy out- which its been like, for like- days. days! so crazy for CA. i embrace it though. fits my mood and i get to use my fancy yellow umbrella. but lets again be clear- i don't have any MONEY. stop it. i mean i needed the sheets. and i wasn't going to get microfiber sheets. i mean they make it sound alluring but i'm suspicious. so i went for the fancy from london made in india 310 threadcount sheets in a strange color... why not. i gotthematross. $16. so if i can't pay my phone bill for january that's why. besides the no-job thing. but one thing at a time. anyway there's more in there somewhere- i was social AGAin last night, so count that a success against all odds i went... i've got to stop watching so much intervention besides, the office was interesting, i keep missing new eps of everything, i want a kitten, and a puppy, and a butterscotch lollipop, and a new bass fish air freshener for lolly, and i want to break the cloud looming over my head and read more books and listen to some christ-mas music, and to play clue with you, and finish the epiphany necklaces and load stuff on etsy and watch another episode of deadwood. i'll prioritize from there. i totally need to go eat lunch.

there goes the's me bearhugging my tree. i love you tree.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

let’s carry on, m

My past 4 weeks have now included:

strep throat

the death cold

the stomach bug of death

a wrapped ankle from a fallen arch

cold, part deux.

Hello? Hi. I mean, I realize there are worse problems in the world, but I find it incredibly vexing. And let’s not forget K.Lo also had strep and the stomach bug, N.Lo had the death cold, and now K.Lo has some other random thing that is possibly strep again. Is any of this helping the moving and unpacking process? It is not.

Also, I’d like  to point out that if you google “fallen arch,” the majority of pages are geared toward the senior citizen set. And I’d like to think I’m not there yet. Anyway, I managed to find the damn Ace bandage – which, of course, was in my car the whole time – and maybe it’s working, although J.Lo mocks me every chance he gets.


Pause from snark. The colors in our new house are pretty livable, although I admit I’m already itching to paint the kitchen and the master bedroom. Even though I vowed not to. Because what if it doesn’t work out? I worry. We still have a house to sell, and this one to buy. So why paint? But it’s in my nature to go there. 

And yes every cell vibrates with the newness of this place. And I’ve barely left our yard. The fragrant rosemary bushes and the tiny icicles on every tree branch. The train the distance. The farm field beyond the line of trees that is yet to be explored. And once it’s warmer, the parks and the museums beyond our front door. Not to mention church and schools and doctors and dentists. So much work to do. And friends(?) to make? I suppose that happens sooner or later.


I went away for a little bit, possibly over 24 hrs., but now I’m back. On a side note, I love this propane heat system, but it’s making me look old as hell in spite of my best efforts to hydrate. And I’m not a humidity kind of girl. But I might have to break down and buy a flat iron or maybe Santa will bring me one.

Even though Santa is just a hot mess this year. And our new mailman is going to hate him soon, because amazon likes to pretend it’s going to be cost effective and ship everything at the same time but really it sends every last thing separately, which in Christmas 2010’s case translates to approximately 50,000 boxes. And I didn’t even spend that much. The last-minute deals were just that amazing.

I suppose I should go for now my friend. A giant box of medicine cabinet items await my unpacking skillz. Wee.

disjointedly yours,


Friday, December 17, 2010

oh friend, hello.

i did some sewing today, some lintrolling, some postofficing and i rallied and got all the decorations out of the attic... it was a close one there. it was right on the fringe of who cares christmassmishmish. but i lit a fire in the fireplace and put some music on and made the living room a right and proper festive place. mom still hasn't come home with a tree but i have hopes for tomorrow. i would say i could just bring myself a christmas tree but whats the fun in that, and honestly now that the credit card is gone it hurt that 17.68 i spent at the post office today. but then i felt that i really do want to continue to send mail. so...

also i'm a little jealous of your fb photos. mostly because its like fb knows more about you than i do. totally irrational i know- but i'm suffering loss right now.... so i can't be expected to not be petulant and demanding. i'm unsettled that you're unsettled. though by the looks of it more settled than before. but i can't picture you there. despite the pictures. also i'm currently debating the quilting idea we settled on... do i quilt the logcabin pattern or a large and awesome dragonfly each square? ach.

otherwise my other thought today involved the question if i was infact really addicted to being jobless or if i'm perpetually traumatized and thus it mkaes me detach from the fear associated with the cliff. i can't decide. or making much sense. at times like these i crave pancakes and french toast. and the sugar i've been having lately- last night after this chocolate sorbet i was like , ugh ... agh... binge. it was tasty with walnuts but still. the hot shower didn't solve the problem and i couldn't fall asleep for the ringing humming stuffed left ear thing until i put the music on loud. and then i woke to the sound of the cat puking. now he's trying to get me to groom him because he's been misted all over by the non-rain.

ok, i better go.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


hello friend- oh oh oh there's so much to say. so many little things that i want to communicate that are slipping away. when i last left you, you were driving off into the sunset sick to your stomach and entering an adventure of an indetermint length and lets be honest, nature. you're essentially a tourist with a home. things will not be the same. things will be absurd, to different, to being written in a completely different language. you will not understand everything. your whole body will vibrate with the difference. it is best to take notes and keep telling the world your story. really, that's the most impt thing. and we thank you.

back to me, i can only stave off narcissism for so long, except for being on the prayer team where my mind is now teeming with divorce, cancer, cancer, cancer, drugs, money, dying, heart surgery, brain tumors, charters, tiresomeness, and whatever else. but nevermind that, only God can do something about that. i will throw in my request to break myself from the, not looking toward the moneyless cliff or the haven't gotten around to etsy yet, or the, i'm going to be singleforever... anyway, look here how my cat resents me working on the christmastide necklaces... i got 3/4 done despite him.

i did have a smashing sucess of sunday night. i was telling someone just before hand how i missed being around boys and then i got dosed with them from about 5pm-1am. go me being social! also it was a wise choice to continue to the 2nd location. usually it's not, but it was nice, even when no girls joined (potential awkward disaster) but. the boys were polite, playful, serious, articulate, witty and generous... it was the kind of high and frivilous night that if we had been younger would've carried us to 7am and a wafflehouse. ben is going away... on sabbatical i say, back to san jose. aw, we miss ben already. this is actually the first time i'd been out with him outside prayer council meetings.
bye cute ben. bye. and may i say he has the most awesome friends. one, a friend i've known since my co-op days, who btw he and ben, introduced me as an artist everytime, she's a very talented artist, they'd say. it was a big bearhug everytime to my heart. alsa the two verbal highlights besides the constant improv'ing- his friend saying "guys, i have a kidney to take out in 7 hours."... wait, he's not joking. and then arguing whether or not tolstoy betrayed his characters... oh yes, high times i tell you! bruce sauntering down the street with bottles of wine, being tempted with delicious looking breadpudding, deadwood references, and did i mention all the boys?
and given the energy and chatter of sunday, monday could not possibly live up, despite the friends, walks, crafting, and coffee taking. but it was good. the last couple days have been a little not-definable but somehow i'm getting some-things done? and watching too much tv. possibly consuming too much sugar... oh and i did start to tear up on my yoga teachers last day, at the end of class, and then again in the car. i'm taking everything a little too hard right now- the leaving, the suckitude of advent, but anyway. back to pretty sparkly things. fa la la la... no this isn't my house. mom's given up on christmas. but i did put out the advent pillows.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

m too far away,

Have I mentioned I’m never moving again? I mean honestly, it’s horrible. It’s horrible anyway, but I’ve never before moved while being responsible the health, well-being and happiness for two small individuals aside from myself. And at Christmastime, the horror. Although the tree is up and mostly trimmed and the stockings are hung yada yada. By the chimney! With care! I do like the fireplace.

So yeah. Moving Day itself was possibly one of the worst moves of my life. Not because we didn’t have help, because we did (bless them all, these friends). And not because it was raining all. day. long. Although that was a nuisance. The worst part was likely the Stomach Bug of Death I acquired the evening before, which had me puking from 6PM until 3AM. And completely, thoroughly, utterly exhausted throughout the next day. That was the part that really sucked. Aside from not fitting everything in the truck, leaving behind a filthy, as-yet-to-be-cleaned house, saying goodbye to friends and a home and a town that I loved. Those things weren’t fun either.

I feel very whiny. But instead of stopping, I might as well go full-throttle. Why not. For your amusement. It’s effing cold here, which by the way, is completely overrated. Especially when you’re plunged into it suddenly with your life already in disarray, rather than eased in softly with the comforts of your full wardrobe at your disposal. So there was no way I could avoid going to the grocery store today – and by the way, as cute as this town is, the grocery options are just grim – and between the freezing cold, the fact that I didn’t want to go out in the first place, our waning funds and ornery children who also must be suited up with 50 layers of fluffy clothing, I was ready  by the end to a) never shop at that grocery store again and b) schedule J.Lo for a vasectomy. I mean, seriously.

Although at least they sold chicken feet there, which was good for a laugh. Except, they sold chicken feet.

Still having certain uncomfortable issues with my job that I can’t currently process or speak of at the moment and am (concurrent with moving) taking a brief semi-hiatus until 2011.

I can’t even speak about Christmas shopping.

And I feel bad that my children’s rooms are holy messes, playing second fiddle to both the Christmas tree and the kitchen, which I insist on sorting out before everything else, particularly when I am being hounded for two straight hours to find the can opener for the bloody can of black olives. Which by the way, I never did find.

Um, what else. Since we’re on a tear. (This is fun, I’m kind of enjoying myself – are you?) The fish lived. I can’t complain about that. But I keep thinking about standing at the tank on Saturday, struggling to scoop water from a Solo cup into a bucket and catch elusive fish with a stainless-steel pasta colander, and wondering how the eff, why the eff, were we taking the fish. I mean it was purely me, I admit. I couldn’t willingly kill them and it was too late to sell or give away the tank. And what would the children say. Think of the children. So I had to clear out the disgusting rocks and sludge and try to ignore the hard-water buildup all over the trim and filter and heater lest I heave the whole thing in the trash. And the fish went in the bucket with a trash bag over the top and a battery operated air stone, which required 2 batteries, but only worked with 1. No kidding. And once we got here, I was imagining in my airy-fairy fantasy world that I’d scour and set up the tank right away, but in reality it was at least 48 hours later and I had to force myself. But there they are. Swimming. In a clean and sludge-free tank. Christmas miracles.

I could go on. I will go on. But maybe tomorrow. For now I have to go scrounge up a snack for Unlimited Snacks Week or somesuch, because you know the wifely duties don’t stop even when you’ve moved. Just saying.

Oh wait, one more thing – I totally flipped some jerkwad the bird today on the highway. One of those asshats who are directly behind you, see your left-blinker and are all, noi’mgonnagofirstweee, and you’re all, eff. you. because I have to make a left turn in like TWENTY FEET. Off a 60mph road. Bird. And some choice cursing. Which I thoroughly enjoyed.

sweet smiles and hugs from your dear penelope

Monday, December 13, 2010

Dear Penelope,

Look at the sunrise through the trees. It's yours. From your new house. Aww. I was worried when I texted you 'safe and sound?' and then there wasn't a response but then your text hadn't come through and you sent me another one, so it was totally ok.

Saturday, December 11, 2010



So allegedly you're moving today. Maybe already on the road? Though i have seen no pictures or had any texts to confirm what might be a momentous ocassion? I have to admit I feel out of the loop. And a little pouty about it all. I'm just going to confess that outright.

But thats because the Santa Anas are in the air and that's making me wistful. I even randomly made my desk drawer less heavy by taking out the pack of paper and the bag of confetti i've had since the 80's. For no apparent reason. I wasn't sure why they were even in there. I mean the desk which is made of plastic and mdf has survived since '92? or and i mean why do i want a new desk even though innately i feel its "time" whatever that means. (I better go pause for breakfast).

Ok i'm back. I ate. I feel better. And of course am re-watching theoffice on hulu. And then i got back and i have a text from you. Which is just what i needed. Except for you being all ill and in the midst of packing up still and not on the road at all and maybe having to leave things behind. So now I'm sympathetic and I'm sorry I'm not there to strap things to my car and drive up with you. I feel I need to increase texting with you so I have more quick reassuring communications. I mean we have these lengthy tombs or is it tomes? on the magical web but why not just send you, lol. and omg. i do send you pics. i wonder why i get to this stage of thinking you're imaginary. And then i become particularly needy of reassurance you're not. Hopefully I'll come see you soon. I know we want you to visit LA, but when? There is such a thing to divine timing and the rents house isn't done yet and you've just moved so we'll see. By the end of next year or the beginning of the one after might work. The year of the dragon should be auspicious for me... I am wary of the ubiquitous 2011. But more about that later.

I understand about waiting sometimes in my best moments. Like Cathy and i wanting to go to SouthEastAsia or Cairo together. She often has the $ and i do not. Cutting up the credit card was good though. I can feel some increased motivation in there stirring. But we'll see.

Anyway nevermind. I'm going to eat fruit.
and I love you.


Friday, December 10, 2010


So whatever, you're moving. Pay attention to me! Router. Shmouter.

Which reminds, I told you right that when we went to bless Auts house the kids started up quite a racket. The din. The cacacophony. The resistence. The clammer. The... I had a better word for it last night but I don't remember. Brouhaha?

And then last night, I forgot for a second I was reading a collection of short noir stories and the murder was actually a surprise. I found myself going, wha! gasp! no!

But the book then heightened my awareness that this particular starbucks like the fatburger on lankershim has something shady going on. You have a weird eclectic mix of industry types, hapless PA's being sent over for coffee, old guys who may or may not be up to no good, people who look like they're on or have been on various substances and then wide-eyed or ambivilant, look i just stopped for coffee, why does this place have to be so muther-effin-busy all the time, even though no one has coffee or if they do it looks like a prop. But with the same people. Maybe that's it. No matter when I go, what season, there's a reoccuring element that doesn't change. Its unnerving.

Well anyway enough from me, i've got things to do. Like quilts, and necklaces, and chin hair to attend to. And i got woken up untimely by not 1 but 2 calls within 10min of each other so any chance I had to return to sleep was then squelched. like grapes on a warm autumnal morning.

where's your drill?
in the art room?
what do you mean? do you know where your drill is?
it's in the artroom.
wait hold on. ok no nevermind i think i got it. i just managed to open the gate as i was talking to you. you dont have to come get me...

oh and Pen you're CBB. can't be bothered. cbb. no time. thats what she said. notime!no time!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


In three days I’ll live in another state. What state am I in currently? Relatively cold-free. My left arch is falling. And I don’t have much time to dwell. If all the boxes I need are at the bottom of the giant recycle bin in the grocery store parking lot, then I just have to jump in. Screwed up a post and not so keen on the editorial changes? Oh well. Pressing on. Kids upset about all their toys being packed away? Go play hide and seek.

I just don’t have the time to *care* at the moment, which isn’t me, and I’m completely sure it will all catch up to me, likely in January, wherein I’ll lapse into some sort of post-move coma. Today we had our first scheduled house showing in 75 days. Awesome timing. And after busting my ass for several hours to make the house sparkle, I’m not entirely positive they came. But can I pause to cry over the spilled milk? No. Not really.

And nor do I have time to look back and reconsider the Great Leap and wonder if it’s the right decision. Because we’ve already decided, so whatever.

I do on the other hand have a little bit of annoyance leftover for things like pointless games on Facebook, like the cartoon thing, and the numbers thing. I mean honestly people. Or maybe I’m just not “fun.” I just laughed, writing that.

So anyway. It’s fondue at home tonight with les mamas and pizza tomorrow night with le Mel. And on Friday I have to hand in my router – gasp – and will be disconnected from the world until Monday at least. And supposedly somewhere in there will be a big truck and the loading of things into it and setting foot into the house that I’ve never been before. And it will be cold.

love to you

Monday, December 6, 2010

penny blue light,

good evening to you,
mentally ive been laying on your couch all afternoon. for one brief moment when insanity overtook me i left the house and had to slam on my breaks hard twice averting being broadsided and then cut off. both on the way to deposit my check. i thought it was best to get my authorized frappachino and get the hell back home, casting prayers in my wake. i made it home without incident but i'm still wary.

also because last night i had some freakish experience more freakish than my average dreamings of evil. mostly because it involed this loud metallic noise right against the wall where i sleep, and a blue light coming into my window like a ray and the cat running in like it was being chased. it was so strange. maybe in the rain the cat ran down the roof, jumped on the waterheater shed and carried the moonlight with it. or something else. as constantine says, cats are half in and half out anyway. he, marley, stared at me strangely in the hallway when i woke up and didn't want to go outside in the morning. it was just the sort of thing to feel it wasn't a dream- which it wasn't, besides the dried muddy paw prints and the now closed and locked window...

anyway i'm uncertain. the hair didn't stand up on the backofmyneck or anything. but my heart was pounding lightly in my chest. i kept waiting for something else to occur as i peered outthewindow. but it didn't. and there weren't any signs this morning. it smacked strangely of the x-files and i haven't watched that show in months.

as it is the day has passed like a seige. waking up with bad thoughts chasing me. mentally doubled over about cutting up my creditcard at one point. saying shut up alot to various things. it doesn't seem safe to dwell below the surface of basic functions and tasks. the hot shower did me good though. but i can't say much for my productivity. and i would think more about that even but its not safe to do that either. let alone wonder about my sore muscles or that feeling of fatigue in my head. best get back to laying back down again. or making a music mix of sad sad songs.

maybe i will thank God for the rain, and for netflix, and for my bright shiny car, and for his great enduring faithfulness, or how i now an inheritor, once poor, once condemned am rich beyond measure. nothing else need be said about the day. (though i am craving breadpudding).


Sunday, December 5, 2010


Hello you. So apparently I’m moving? For reals. But more pressing is the post-Strep cold that won’t leave me alone. In fact, it keeps getting worse rather than better. Headache, itchy sore throat, filled sinuses, watery eyes and weak muscles. Whyyyyy.

As a result I have little energy for the boxing and organizing that lays before me. Much less Christmas – don’t even talk to me yet about Christmas. We’ll forge ahead with the festivities in due time, but that time isn’t yet. It will be terribly dicey, but at the very least, as K.Lo noted, Santa has a place to come into our new house now. A fireplace.


Okay so it’s a few days later. You can see I just gave up in the middle in a fit of the vapors. I’m feeling a bit better, dare I say it? Aside from itchy ears and the desire to nap for hours. Can I do that? Anyway, I thought I’d give you a sneak-peek of the house I’ve never actually set foot in. The one we’re moving to. Apparently there might even be snow on its ground as we speak. xo

house1house2house3photo (2)photo (3)photo (4)photo (5)photo (6)photo (7)photo (8)photo (9)photo (10)photo

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


The storm system is still coming in waves- a cold arctic maritime polar current of discontent. A moment around 11am of sunshine, clearing and warm breeze of being and sense of place. There was a twinge of a balloon slowly losing air to pile the analogy when in the game i had found all the gnomes and the questing was over. (Initial sense of triumph followed by, are you kidding me? Thats IT?!) It didn't stop me from washing the windows on my car and polishing the trim but after that I quickly lost my way as the rain rolled back in. I mean I don't recall doing anything after that but making a quesa?dilla. And reading a chapter out of a book that I can't keep reading. I mean she used the sentence: "he [God] was too exalted for an inadequate human cult"... blech. Goodbye book. Next.

Yesterday I managed to make a mix tape which i entitled "the same old thing". I dyed the mesh on my new sneakers pink, and filled the green bin (that was today actually). I showered yesterday. I think what i'm getting at is everything is happening in slow motion. Like this post. LIke me transferring all my monthly planner information and making a list to do laundry and?... where's the spark? next quest? There are those bills to pay. The vague sense of impending doom or change- whichever. I have meetings to attend. Necklaces to finish. Finances to worry about. Figure out who killed Toby... i'll imagine i'm playing with you. I have my very first podcasts to listen to, but what else. what else. LIke joanna saw and othercathy confirmed, am i a marble in a mesh bag gathering force? and to what purpose... and to what complaint... certainly i must have things to say about living in babylon with no prospering insight. It is a very adventish place to be. We'll see if i can find words to these things later. I am craving a butterscotch sucker, but that'll keep. I'm going to swallow my citrus mint gum and go to bed.

here's the song list:
I gotta feelin' (BEP)
Empire State of MInd (JayZ/Riana)
Don't Stop (Innerpartysystem)
Where's your head at (Basement)
Twisted Nerve (Hermann)
Little LIon Man (Mumford)
Sometime around midnight (Airborne Toxic Event)
Paparazzi (Lady Gaga)
Same old thing (Black Keys)
Gold digger (Kanye)
Sexy Back (Timberlake)
Ridin Dirty (Chamillionaire)
Gangstas Paradise (Coolio)
Jesus Walks (Kanye)
Natural Blues (Moby)
Oceans and Streams (Black Keys)
Bang Bang (Nancy S.)
Toccata and Fugue (Bach?)

Friday, November 26, 2010


The d├ęcor is lovely, my dear.

I have in fact heard about the new Netflix plans, which I knew was coming. And I’m also on the fence, although sometimes I do like having the rental option. Either way, it’s still a steal. We use the instant constantly.

Today is Christmas Movie Day. Which is becoming our regular tradition, the day after Thanksgiving. Certainly swallowing a fiery golf ball and spending an hour and a half at Medac, aka the 7th circle of Hell, on Thanksgiving morning is not our tradition. But that’s what I did anyway. I’m still a tad bitter about missing turkey and sides and pie. However, leftovers allegedly await and the golf ball fire has subsided some.

If I hadn’t been curled up in a air conditioning-avoidant ball at Medac, I might have been amused at some of the other patients and their families, who were extra snipey because of the wait. Like the lady who randomly griped at her husband for wearing old shoes and not being able to work his own phone. “Bob, you have to throw away those shoes. They’re awful. [Heavy sigh.]” Then she’d leave him alone for a bit and complain about the service. “I mean, you could be dead by now.” Indeed. However, considering that it was Thanksgiving Day, I’m assuming everyone was there for a legitimate reason and we were all lucky enough to have an establishment open, so… yeah.

I didn’t think I’d find anything acceptable to read after departing my Edward and Bella, especially not in the form of more teenage vamp fic, but the House of Night series did manage to suck me in. The first book anyway. And now I’m onto something different, which may or may not be just as addicting, we’ll see.

Going to finish watching Rudolph and try not to choke on my uvula.

peace out


I've got deadwood on and mom and dad are out somewhere as they often are. Maybe they'll find BFdeals on building supplies and materials? Did you notice now netflix has that just 'watchnow' subscription? I may take them up on that as I'm getting low on finding things to send for. Will that make me read anymore? I don't know. Currently my problem with that particular skill is all the non-fiction stopping up to choke me. But nevermind, that problem bores me more at this moment than watching deadwood through a mirror as a type.

Then again i just woke up bored i think so its a bad time to type in general but here I am. Never able to sleep in. In other news I calculated my cats are 15/17 which = the end of their lives. And in correlation to the three people i talked about eating thanksgiving dinner in the kitchen like servants while the other 5 of us ate in the formal dining room is enough to set my teeth on edge. Is that the phrase? You stack up small horrors, insults, pain, loneliness and loss and the general suffering of those around you with the blatant fact of mortality - and the whole world is sad and nettling to you. Let the poor 94 year old woman sleep. She's earned it. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Stop comparing her to the spry 97 year old. All of us are set upon a different clock with death... for the most part anyway.

Oh and to answer your question, Amber brought the wii over and was kind enough to leave it so I could unlock some worlds, cars and characters. Because we can't constantly perfect our art like we should without being a slave to it, so I should obviously spend as much time away from it as possible. Also I may leave the house for some clear nailpolish but all the world is suppose to be shopping today. Wiser minds might stay themselves at home. And I don't have money to buy a wii anyway.

But nevermind, I was sorry to hear about the criminal trespass of sickness upon your throat. Botching everything up for the holidays. I hope you are peacably recovering. I'm going to download some songs- some rap, some fuges...what else.


Sunday, November 21, 2010


We’re watching She-Ra. Have you noticed the NetflixInstant has some eclectic options as of late? I noticed the DVD set of She-Ra at Target the other day and was all, oh that’s cool. And even cooler that we get to watch it practically for free instead.

Although I wish NFI had more appealing TV show options for grownups. I could get lost in a series right now – House from the beginning? Vampire Diaries? Any of those. I’ve never seen them.

So wait – you own MK, but can’t play it? Or you play it on the computer? What the what? I need more information.

I have a canker sore on the inside of my lower lip that’s not altogether unpleasant. My new necklace has become a piece of my soul. I can’t remember the last time I washed my hair, which is weird, and even weirder that it still doesn’t appear to really need it. Must be the dryer, cooler weather. Or maybe I’ll wake up someday with dreadlocks. You never know.

J.Lo and I celebrated SIX over the weekend with candy and iron. For me, a wrought iron recipe book stand whose design is just sort of lovely to ponder, as well as some hand-painted, celestial-looking truffles from a chocolatier. They knock one’s socks off. For J.Lo – some movie candy for HP7 (which I really liked – oh Voldy, such an Immortality Queen), Iron Man 1&2, and a Tiger Iron cabochon. Which I picked for the name and the look and J.Lo’s geologist geek side. But apparently it’s loaded with healing and other cool properties. Who knew.

The house – still can’t talk about it, really. I mean, whatever. We live in Purgatory. That’s where we are.

I fear for when I refinish the Twilight series, as I know it’s going to feel like a hangover, a loss. And I’ll reject 50 books before finding something I like. Book Purgatory. I dread it.

But I landed on a big reason why I love and have always loved books so much. It’s not just the writing and the story. Obviously those appeal. But it’s also because books don’t judge you. You come to them as you are and don’t give it a second thought. They’re socially effortless. Or anti-socially effortless, as the case may be. Maybe they’re even avoidant. But I love them so.

adieu for now,


Saturday, November 20, 2010

hello friend.

i'm compulsively watching episodes of the office while finishing the advent necklaces. which are dunzo. now. officially. we can only hope they hold together. i'm going to keep watching. (and 2 more necklaces to go and done by beg. of january.) i played mario kart today also (actually bought the game even though i don't have a wii but whatever). made it work. didn't exercise today. the blisters on the sides of my heel are completely lame but i'll try to rally to morrow. i mean it was raining today which was miraculous and needed. so obviously you eat ice cream and wear flipflops while out. and play games . .. in my world its almost not any different from any other day. though,

i'm trying to behave contrary to inclinations of mood and weather. not really up to spending too much time in my head- though cathy sent me this note saying:

"Rode on another cable car today-
To the monestary of monserrat
It was super foggy and rainy
Like a cable car ride to no where
Or like cloud city in star wars.."

And that seemed a fit description for most things. Though the sound of monestary of monserrat is terribly romantic. And who wouldn't want to be heading to such a place even in the depths of inscrutibility.

maybe tomorrow i'll get to play fableIII, eat juicy burger and go for a power walk. who can say, who can say. i'm glad you're at candy and iron. though i am now also suspicious of the seneca guns.