pen's bane

okaylet'sbehonest. i feel like i've been on all sorts of "anti" kicks lately, some that no one even knows about (see problem below). for instance, i have been:
anti-too-many-sweets-in-the-day,
anti-complaining-when-it's-just-plain-insulting,
anti-paying-for-shit-you-can-get-for-free,
anti-commenting-on-what-i-don't-know-enough-about (really trying hard),
anti-too-much-TV-and-too-little-reading (i speak the truth!).

basically, i've been trying to straighten up a little bit. but i don't know if it's really working because a lot of the time i just feel bitchier for it. like maybe i shouldn't cut back that much on the chocolate if it's going to put me in such a bad mood? i do feel good about reading more books and being responsibly thrifty and all that.

here's what is really bugging me, though. all of my life, up to and including the now, i feel like my biggest bane has been this: i don't feel listened to. just as a person, i don't feel many times like people are really listening, which makes me feel vastly unimportant. obviously it's a give-give situation in all relationships, and it is so not fair to make a blanket statement that says no one out there is listening. i have many friends who listen quite well (love you!), and on the other hand, i know there are times when i could and should listen better, too.

i used to be super-quiet and not talk at all, and then it would enrage me that no one was listening. but really this was very short-sighted of me. of course no one is going to listen if you don't speak. you have to put the words and the feelings forth in order for them to even have a chance at being recognized, swallowed, valued. dur. so i tried, and am still trying, to straighten up in that respect. i believe i've improved. maybe not in all situations, but i have to believe that i'm markedly less reticent than in the past.

it's a dog-eat-dog world out there, with everyone competing to be heard, and i realize this too. everyone wants to feel listened to, and so they speak louder and/or verbally elbow their way to their forefront. it doesn't mean their opinions, stories, ideas, sentiments, etc, are any more valuable--or that the softer-spoken/more ignored people's words are any less valuable. it just is what it is.

so maybe what i most want is to add another "anti" to my list, which would be:
anti-thin-skin?
anti-care-too-much?
anti-need-to-be-heard?

really, any or all of these would be ideal and would make me feel so much better. because damn, what a downward spiral occurs otherwise. like, being heard less makes me want to speak less, which will really encourage the problem of being heard less, et cetera and so forth. and then there is the question of a person's value when little or nothing is heard. (that one gets dangerous.) and also, the self-absorbed, intensely negative urge to take away that gift of listening if it's not returned? basically it's just bad news all around, and in all roles: friend, spouse, sibling, child, and (gulp) parent. citizen of the world.

so, yeah. i'm going to go read a book and watch the fish.
sullenly,
hormonally,
pessimistically yours!
pen