and i am not that

when people ask me how i am or what's going on in my life i think, what do i say- everythings great. which sounds sort of like a copout. so i tell them well- i seem to be on a river, in a boat with jesus, heading down stream- and i just seem to be sort of going which worries me. that maybe i'm not enjoying the scenery more or asking the right sort of questions- but it's okay and i'm checking things off the list, but lots of things are getting left undone, which just has to sort of be right now. and jesus and i arent' doing anything but sitting there and looking around and not much is said as i make my lists trying to correct my formula for the perfect existence- noting how i should pray more, eat less, get the dust from under the matte, and a heap of things marked: future. but the boat keeps moving and the waters calm. and i think i might be heading for rapids maybe or lake placid (without the killer crocodile) but it's hard to tell from here. i asked myself just now why jesus doesn't seem to say much but he's saying quite enough in my head already. and perhaps i'm having quiet conversations all the time while i'm busy looking for a breeze to stir up but i couldn't say for sure but say i wish i remembered my dreams more- a reoccuring one with flying gigantic kites up btw power lines and another where i'm an actress on a stage and taking the train to god knows where... and in real life i regret a little that i'm always the observer and wonder if i ever really live anything. i guess when i'm going somewhere is where being the observer is the natural conclusion where anywhere else it's not. and that's probably why i always imagine myself going somewhere and wondering what will happen when there's only calm waters and rows of trees to watch.