on gifts

I've been thinking a lot about gifts lately. I love giving gifts. I know that they are mostly material and can't last forever. I know that the weight of a gift is only that which you assign it. Some gifts are just supposed to be little and simple, nbd. I know gifts get old, dusty, broken, outdated, or outgrown. But I couldn't help but take to heart that a gift I gave not long ago is now sitting, as ever unused, with the implication that it will never be used, and possibly all because it came from me. Wow. Shit. It's like a knife through the heart. I conceived the idea for the gift about 2 months before it was given, thought about it, thought about the recipient very carefully, went out and bought the materials, thought some more, finally started in working on it, and over the course of 3 weeks, worked, revised, worked some more. And while working on it, of course, I thought about the receiver of the gift (whom I love), and not trying to have too high of expectations, thought that she would really, really like it, and use it, and feel kind of special for it, that I made it for her. Maybe she would have it for years. And if it broke, or she wanted to change it, so it could be done. It was the nature of the thing, the way I created it.

So, I am acutely aware of the gift's current state of dusty un-use. I have no control over that. I should have expected less. I can't help but ponder gift certificates, and only gift certificates, for future giving. And, let me just say there is nothing wrong with gift certificates. I give them, I receive them, I think they're great. But I also take great joy in giving things other than, or in addition to, gift certificates, when I see something or think of something that's really perfect. In my mind, anyway.

Ruminating further, I realized something else. It was when I was pondering K.Lo and the other kind of "gifts" we are all born with. I wonder what hers will be. And then I was like, well what are mine. And I know--I know--writing is one of them. I mean, you know. I'm not claiming to be anyone or anything. But it would be silly for any of us to say we weren't given any gift at all when we were born, absolutely nothing that makes us unique, and so if I'm being honest, I at least have to acknowledge that.

So, not to get all religious (saving it for a future post--no, seriously), but how insulting is it to God if you don't use your gift(s)? Like, other than blogging, emailing, and the occasional journal entry, I have basically and intentionally shelved writing. Very intentionally, I might add. I have a whole treatise that plays through my mind on the matter, having to do with bullshit politics of the Writing World, I'm not The Best so why bother, all the stories have been told before, I have no stories to tell anyway, and wtf is the point after all. I'm serious, I could write a whole thesis on it all. It's just sitting there, crumpled in my brain, never to be spoken of, why I am not writing, why I won't write, etc.

I just never thought of it in those terms, though, that it might actually be rude, wasteful, hurtful? not to use your gift. I mean, I'm not talking about taking a few months to watch a DVD after Christmas. Sometimes you just have to be in the mood for the movie, and it takes time. But to willfully put the thing on the shelf and say, nope, not using that, ever--and to the giver: eff you. Somehow that seems so wrong?

I don't know. This post is like, way too serious, and so I'm stopping now. Off to watch Gilmore and stuff like that.