DEAR DAD, (part 1)

Today on my way to work the wind was not at my back. I always think of that Irish blessing bcs usually we are so unaware of the wind unless its a gale or we're in certain corridors of chicago, in a hurricane or on a bike... today was an uphill struggle on my usually mellow downhill cruise to work. it completely sucked. which is actually an apt descript of my relationship with my father.

but still for reasons unknown to me, i continue to battle uphill against the wind for him. making an effort to think of things he'd like to do, watch, eat... whatever. as long as it gets him out of the house, engaged in anything besides the computer, and interested in the world. hence: we'll it's a good thing he's going camping. or maybe we should buy him that telescope or sure let's all go kite flying this saturday... bcs my dad is classically like my dog zeppelin, the nerotic wonder. who hates change and cringes at the sight of rain or small animal noises. he doesn't like to be bothered, get wet, or haranged in anyway. and it takes a lot to rouse him out of his nerouses and engage you- where usually he is trapped within his mind and trying everything he can to sink far back from reality. he is a truncated life it seems. and i so desperately want to see him live.

but my main rage buttons always get compressed when around him for more than a day- one: he's completely self-absorbed, so much so that you wonder if you're the one being selfish for breathing, having an opinion about his smoking, to the radio station on the car trip, etc- that in an instant i picture a huge mallot coming down upon him and obliterating him from existence. two: he's so emotionally stunted that he can't communicate with you about anything unless it involves politics, old cars, or the civil war... and which he becomes completely long-winded and know-it-all about. three: and this is the most interesting thing, he views me as a sibling and in worst cases not unlike his dad- someone who gets all the attention, all the care, is demanding of his time, attention and more importantly his resources. it makes him completely possessive of his car, his bike that he NEVER rides and much more. he becomes irrational about things i use- if he's late: it's because i was in the bathroom, if the computer is broken: it's bcs i gave it a virus on purpose, if the car needs new tires: it's bcs i treat the car too roughly, and this goes for the laptop, the digital camera, the pudding cups, grapes, strawberries, movies, tv, the yard, the garage- and on and ON and ON... and just about anything that he can complain about. i am in all effects a walking target. and sometimes it just gets to me. bcs it's insidious and invasive and completely illogical. my key motto is: respect has to be earned. and he usually doesn't have mine for the above reasons. plus i hate passivity in all its forms- he has the mentality that the world acts upon him and he doesn't act upon it- a key difference. it's nothing he's done or said as to why the world would be treating him this way. or why i exist to annoy him in the first place.