sooo m,

I’m thinking I need to spend less time on the shiny internets attempting to discern the future. I mean, I don’t mean this as a recent issue. Whenever there’s a problem, it’s like: internets! Internets has the answer! And sometimes it does. But a lot of times, when it’s something one just can’t change or know the answer to right away, it doesn’t. It’s a waste of time and energy, all that fruitless searching. One might as well re-hijack one’s children’s Magic 8 ball to discern said answers.

It’s not the internets that can predict what will happen; it’s patience and time that will reveal those answers. So I totally need to resolve, like you made a disciplinary-type resolution, to quit that habit. Quit daydreaming, house-shopping, guesstimating, seeking to find some sort of concrete glimpse into the future. It’sjustnotthere.

Drinking a little wine and watching 27 Dresses on FX tonight, which by the way is insane. I own this movie. Why on earth would I choose to watch it with 10 zillion lengthy, frequently occurring commercials? Oh, and since the day was filled with the aforementioned bad habit, as well as the bad habit of half-working/half-tending to the children – because who wins, in that scenario – I’m supposed to be finishing my 3rd and final magazine article tonight or something. Is very frustrating, though, as wish I could simply knock out given assignment in space of an hour or so and be free the rest of the day. And night. But it does not work as such with little people who interrupt one’s train of thought constantly, coupled with a feeling of aimlessness. Whatever. (Whine.)

I expect a full photo report of tomorrow’s events -

xo,

pen

Letter to Pen,

Oh pen. How goes your day. I hope you are well again. Yesterday as I'd mentioned I'd bought some anointing oil w/frankenherzizzle and myrrh and felt slightly adolescent and out of my depth. But that one needs to start somewhere, so that one can eventually walk in confidence. We anointed someone with oil last night for joy, for healing. And I love the biblical precedence of fragrance, incense and that God loves good smells too. Of course the night went long and there was much chatting and suddenly it was 1230am and i wasn't home until 115am. And then i'd realized I was going to discipline myself to pray for the kenya team at 2am everynight. As I covet my sleep, so I thought i'd fast from it. And i slept for 2omin i think before I woke up again to pray.

Let me tell you a 1/2 hour has never moved so slow. I realized quickly I'd also need to set a reoccuring 'you're done' alarm so that i wouldn't glance down at my phone and realize only 8 minutes had past and i thought i had prayed all i could pray, and be filled with despair as my body kept trying to pull me back into sleep. I'm trusting that whyever i'm doing it, for whatever reason that, it's a good thing to do for a couple weeks, and that God may have something in it for me at the end of such a discipline. Though I did not think my time would start in such a way, having stayed out late and my need to rise by 8 so i could go see my volunteer space.

Which is totally a kerfuffle or a clustercuss of expectation and assumption. Which will cause another early morning as I go get mulch from the city. And try to make something out of nothing. As by supplies they meant some plastic gloves and a shovel. And by supplies I meant, potting soil, greenery to be planted and the like and a plan. And they're working against the side of an old office building on a slope, in heavy shade. With no sprinkler system. And no beds. So its run off. I just want the event to be a success and I want the volunteers to feel like they accomplished something you know. And I have this itchy fear of failure or people being miserable. Which I can't control but I need to try and make it the best it can be yes? Because I'm their leeeeeder.

ANyway tonight is the prayer night for the city that ties into the tomorrow. And i get volunteer tshirts so that's exciting. I guess? But as this whole 3wks and the like has spiraled out of my control i'm going to not feel bad about getting fatburger for lunch today and finding something for dinner later. And when i have a moment by my computer i will load pics of a lovely day at the museum, some lovely lunch environs with Parker and more contemplations about Gods sense of humor and this extended studyhall of a job i have. Praise him! For now i'm going to drink some ice water, think about lunch, and the starb*s i'll be having soon after that. Look at me and my need to keep my motor running! Death to my pride. May I stay conscious until i drive back over the hill and hopefully will be in bed by 1030.

m.

m&m,

The half-pint ended up going to preschool anyway. He bounced around and said, “Yeah, I’m going to preschool. I am not sick.” Well okay. But then he cried at drop-off and I felt bad, so maybe they’ll call me if he’s not, actually, okay.

Basically, you just can’t win.

Project Runnnnnway tonight! I’m not sure how I feel about the 90-minute episode or the seemingly misguided Austin and Santino followup, but I’ll watch it all anyway on channel 252. That’s right, we have Lifetime. I’m a jackass. But I blame the Smart Search, which does not yield Lifetime show search results, and is therefore not smart at all.

I might write this morning. I might be feeling a touch defeated that my posts almost never make the featured post spot, but whatever. I suppose if I made more petitions and covered more breaking news instead of being all philosophical.... Like, if I weren’t me. And that never turns out well, does it? So, I’ll forge ahead in being me and whatever happens, does.

What do we think about tomorrow? Hip will be all repaired and cold will be gone and I’ll run. That’s my prediction, or my pipe dream. You decide.

xxoo,

pen

m,

Day 2 of Summer Cold, and another man down. Or half-pint, as the case may be. I *suppose* that I should keep him home from preschool, and I suppose he’s cute enough to be forgiven for this loss of alone- or free-time. Not that I had much planned, anyway, as Day 2 symptoms are a super-awesome sore throat and ear ache. I might head to le library to pick up my reading antidote, a book called TheParticularSadnessofLemonCake. Because I really need a third book to read simultaneously. No – I just don’t want to think in certain moments. And somehow I’m all out of back copies of US Weekly. So sad.

Have you been watching or continuing to watch Work of Art? I mean, it’s highly awesome, is all I’m saying. Although 4 out of 6 projects last night left something to be desired, which is not a good ratio. And if we’re being honest, the 5th work I didn’t really love (or maybe it’s the artist), and the 6th, well, wasn’t it just tar on canvas? I suppose it’s genius. I suppose.

And how brills is kudzu’s ode to mendelopacious?

This is all I can muster my brain to think about for the moment. Perhaps more in a bit.

pen

dear m

down for the count -

headache

sneezes

sore throat

blarg.

m – so old am i,

Currently, I’m sitting on a heating pad. Because of something with my hip flexor muscle, which is searing through to my lower back, if I really think about it. And apparently this is due to having weak core muscles, which I’m shamefully aware of and totally felt in a recent bout of Pilates-like moves. And I’m sure the running doesn’t help. So I’m wearing my flat flip-flops today and staying away from le gym. Until, hopefully, tomorrow.

What do you mean, Europa?

And I’m not giving up on LA just yet. My word to ponder: Triumph!

How tragic and mean is the DirecTV universe for not only depriving me of CW, but also LifetimeTV, which I did not truly grasp the meaning of until I attempted to set up my ProRun series recording? Cruel. And Hulu, Schmulu. I mean, I really hope they show full episodes. And I’m glad for its existence, and my access. But still. It is not the same and these are not uncommon channels.

Pause for heating pad shift and enjoyment of a Hot Pocket panini.

Oh, also – I cut off the little one (the N.Lo) from being carried this morning. That’s probably what I need to do more than anything to combat my old-person hips.

Anyway, I’m mostly done with 2 out of 3 magazine articles, so that’s progress. This afternoon, maybe something about slavery and then a “children and families” committee meeting at le church.

peace out,

pen

Pear, n.

I'm in my pajamas and the night is restless around me. It is perhaps the latte or the ricekrispie square coursing through me, or the buck moon, or the way the bubbles of air swirled in the water as my hand swept by while swimming. It is some summer night of yearning. A contemplation of nearly missed genius, or magic, or opportunity unrealized. But something hums within. And wants more. Maybe it is me in motion and everything static around me. It's not warm enough here for that. Perhaps I'm losing momentum. Or like an unfamiliar turn in the road that you travel all the time, you wonder at the last moment if you should turn. Also we have no fireflies.

Maybe I'll paint my nails or read. There were two netflix of note- max and mary which was awesome claymation of a really unlikely and poignant friendship and another called in one day- english, where not much happened but something definitely did happen. And episode 2 of s4 of 'the guild'. The girl mentions that she didn't know she was suppose to vacuum the inside of her computer and i laughed bcs that is exactly what i did for mine. It doesn't make loud noises now on start up. It's pretty amazing if I hadn't said. And this morning I bought a lightbulb for Lollys taillight. I feel accomplished- now if i can bring myself to find a small wrench to use I might even fix the problem completly.

I wish I got to see you soon. That's part of it. The days are slipping by. Week 2 come and gone of the job. The heel still hurts but not as bad. The shoulder still aches but not so nearly as before. And somewhere in btw all of these small things we'll come together. It's ok. We'll wait. I have the beadshow Thursday. The word europa to contemplate. Things to meditate. At least 3 lists. A prayer thing to go to on friday so i can get some shirts for my volunteers for the project on saturday at path. people/assisting/th/hmless. Now that I have 2 people signed up i don't want to drop the ball. Also i need to see the space. I have not. I don't even know what they need. I don't even know how i came to this moment. Also i'm trying not to hold a grudge against the person who stole the sunflower out of the churchlot by its roots. I hope they were drunk or high or happy and it was some light of Christ come carrying them home. And that they dropped to their knees and knew that the sunflower meant something entirely other. i wonder sometimes also, unrelated, about doing a blog on each prayerwalk, as they are seperate adventures that i maybe imagined over experienced. There's one tomorrow. And yoga to fit in. And the necklaces to ponder.

I've got to go.

m.

m a lem,

Saturday night. S&tC mini-marathon. A bit of work. A glass of wine – I can’t complain.

Running – I’m up to a total of 12min. Not straight. Two min on, 1 min off. Accomplishment! Pondering a 5K for maybe Oct/Nov, but will wait to see how unknown events transpire.

Yoga – it definitely feels different w/ running. Maybe I’m just old, sore. Possibly decrepit. Sometimes I can achieve more in poses and it’s all a big headrush, but lately it’s less. Wednesday’s class intent was “inquiry” into where we should push for more and where to let go – a good one. Something to keep in mind always, perhaps. Also, maybe it was the week before? Our yoga instructor said something about, Yoga is when you close your eyes and think of God. Well, exactly. Like you’re not spiritual, woman!

And I’m totally cross-training – slowly but surely anyway. I don’t yet have a set schedule. But a little bodycombat here, a little bodypump there. A few weights/machines. I can’t yet commit, but I’ll get there. Totally have been bitten by le bug.

My syllabus ideas are coming along. Granted, I’ve heard nothing since the original request, but I’m forging ahead. I want to have six books. Have list of possibilities. Should settle on those soon. Next up, documentaries and discussion topics. Then speakers. And projects. Glad I have several months to plan.

And it’s magazine deadline week, which is always exciting. One down, two to go. I’m writing about pet adoption (done), trick-or-treating (in progress) and another green column, but I have no idea what that will be about yet. Oh wait, I just got an idea. Hmm. Excuse me while I write that down.

Otherwise – well, you know. From my other, non-published letters. I’m a bit bummed. A bit antsy. A bit defeated. Let’s plan our Chi trip, okay? Will we make that happen?

Church tomorrow. Some writing. Lamb chops for dins. Hope your weekend’s fab -

love, xxoo,

pen

Penolin,

happy friday. i made it... oh wait, its' only ... omg no its friday! it's really friday! what! week 2. down. how is that possible! lets just quietly ponder. slipping into a rhythm. becoming sick of breakfast food but knowing its essential to start the day. anticipating good traffic days. wearying of newsradio and finally getting the I.T guy to fix that etflixnay roblempay and upgrade your browser, to having a name plaque. oh and meeting the icecube guy. he has great flowing super curly red hair. he's totally nice. says hi to me even before i knew what i know now. and then when i saw him with the ice cubes and he's like, i haven't been able to keep up with demand. i added another tray but now they're taking longer to freeze- it was almost exactly like meeting your kindred spirit. amazing. made my day. and that monkey from clockwatchers that toni's character accuses parkers character of taking but she didn't was yes just waiting for me at my desk. i think it was my AP's. so she gets points. and on a sidenote we have random wall posters everywhere advertising the awesomeness of us. so the mysterious one that you want to know about is that pic of that opaypay ingersay we all love to watch. right now i'm burning cd's for possible soundtrack potential. from the fficeopay soundtrack to the aterwayboy soundtracks. you've got to just love a good soundtrack. we need like a list of best soundtracks. which as i type it i'm sure exists somewhere. people who i credit with infusing me with good music is steve via danica, and scott. i love a good music infusion also and you can't get that on the internet but only on random mix cds and friends who own, for instance, an entire cache of opera, or strange bands called the lackbay eyskay...

also yesterday i made it to swimming. and it was one of those blissful, no one there, the lanes quiet sort of moments and i thought to myself i need to try to bring my mind to a peaceful place like how quiet and lovely it is here, and then sometime around length 20 some 8 guys all barged into the pool area. and the 5 that could come into the lanes all began to swim furiously. boys! honestly! so annoying. and the water churned and hit the sides from the wakes they were creating and i tossed now, suddenly at sea, amped up my usual pace and got out of there as fast as i could. lest i get sucked under. all the while exclaiming in my head, uhhumph! boys!

which brings me to my cousin who was like talking on the phone for 2+hours in my room, which i know all the things he said, it was like, 'i could be saying to you right now, so just listen', and i get that, bcs i'm sure i've done it before to people, as i've chattered on in whatever self-absorbed convo i've been in. sorry mom. but still. it included making sure his exGF didN't know about the funeral, telling his dads bestman that his dad had died, and talking to his mom (my aunt/remarried) about arrangements. and i can only roll my eyes and do very little rebuttal. it's like tie my hands why don't you. anyway he gave me a hard time for not wanting to come to his dads funeral. (whom i didn't know). and sort of implied that he'd spend the day giving me a hard time if i wasn't there. (which might be good distraction for him) and that i should come around. its sort of like what he was doing in my room. wanting me to be there but not engaging with me. which i also get, but mom and i don't particularly like being props unless we're useful. and it is hard to tell him i view the entire family as a din of evil. or secretly in addition i am a classist snob who cannot take a room full of mechanics, h*rley riders, and ill-educated nerdowells. or that i would be the old school person who hired mourners to wail for me, though perhaps i might write a poem.

and if this girl doesn't attend holidays it's questionable if she attends funerals. i'm still debating in my mind whether or not to go to my grandparents funerals and they haven't even died yet. or if i went to one, does that mean i can get out of going to the other? or not going will that just cut me out of the will? or do they get that i love them but patently disagree with how they live their lives? which has caused an irreparable rift only able to mend by the work of God himself? so its not out of the question. just impossible right now. i have boundaries. and theyre tall and wide. and its not like jesus is the common ground. i take much more seriously the admonition that i should get along with that community much more than the tie that allegedly binds. and all of this is a lot to confront at a funeral of someone you don't know, for a cousin who doesn't really plan on leaning on you. is all i'm saying.

alright i totally need to hit send now.
the day is 1/2 folded over.
m.

oh m,

I’ve been meaning to tell you about my new toothbrush, which keep in mind was from Costco, so there’s like 20 more in the package. It’s all “clever” with this thingy on the back of the toothbrush head that cleans (scrapes) your cheeks and tongue while you brush. Except that it feels crazy and I suspect it’s facilitating canker sores. So, thanks a bunch, Colg@te. For your “innovation.”

J.Lo and I are ready to rip up the last vestiges of first harvest and start fresh with some late summer crops. And let’s be honest, those snapdragons and marigolds are looking like hell crisped over twice and really need to be replaced. Because they are making me depressed. I wish they lasted longer because at one point brought me such happiness, but I guess that’s life for you. And the beauty of fleeting flowers and whatnot. It’s all symbolic of much deeper things, you know. Stuff that makes me weep, like children going off to kindergarten in exactly one year’s time. Really it all boils down to the lack of shade in my backyard and my hostility toward summer, which keeps me from getting out there 2x daily and wasting water on constantly dried-out soil watering.

Let’s talk about the discrepancy between my theoretical and practical selves. Is this the human condition? Although I suppose at least I bother with having a theoretical self and trying to make it a lovely one. But my practical self, the one whose actually acting in the world, tends in the moment to discard everything reasonable that my theoretical self says and behaves ridiculously. Like becoming overwhelmed and overstressed about a list of hypotheticals, to the point of quasi-raging and meltdown. It’s all very silly, you know. A waste of breath. I wish it were easier to let-go and let-god, but I guess that’s the whole point. That it’s not easy? Whatever. Why d’ya gotta make it so complicated, God? I’m just saying.

cheerily yours,

penelope

Dear Pen,

oh summer. pen. enclosed please find the last vestages before God's provision for me snatched me from the depths of what while looks completely blissful is really an undercurrent of complete pennilessness. i wanted to buy one of these are their the underskirts for the sari's... but we didn't. cuz the lady was all like, those you don't wear on top or whatever. pretty colors!

this is thorne trying something that danica reviled and i tolerated. this milky almond thing. yum says thorne. YUM.
a diversion took us by this giant auto man. it was totally worth it. here i am spending the last $8 i have on really tasty burger and fries. so content. so tasty.
ok i may have bought a frap too.
but really the staple of the summer :
and here's a random shot of me in clogs as the heel problem has driven me to their comfort.
and this is part of the great organization project that almost drove me to the brink. good thing i finished before my job. and the job saved me from doing the garage. so win/win.

here i am really optimistic on my first day of work... sort of? i mean i think i look slightly hopeful?
oh also i totally met the other ice cube guy! must tell you about him later!has anyone seen clockwatchers? this is the monkey. i found it in my cubicle.

oh tuesday, tuesday was hopeful. wednesday however... phew. was rough. and it was hot. and man... phew.thursday was a little bit better, calm through the storm... sort of thing. then i went to the prayer thing for reality LA and my dress was completely uh, too revealing- so i fashioned my tanktop into a scarf? i hear its the fashion. here i am owning my fashion...oh and here is my sunflower in the church lot. i went by today and it was gone. i really think somebody took it... but they left the other one that hadn't bloomed yet? i dont know. whatever. my fault for planting it too close to the street. pretty sunflower. you live on in pictures. here's me on friday... so as you can see summer to office life. . . pretty rivoting. i'll try to keep you abreast of the latest developments like meeting icecube guy and how i'm avoiding going to my cousins dads funeral... maybe. we'll see.

my love,
m.

Pensicle,

hello.
i'm happy to report, after all this talk of icetrays, that the day after i complained another tray did in fact, mysteriously appear in the freezer. output to input ratios have been stabilized and ice shortages have stopped. the worst of the heatwave is over which i think, will allow for an overall surplus of ice to be building. i did just examine the freezer, and it looks like the equally mysterious other person is just as concerned, having emptied and refilled the trays. in addition i have made sure the dial on the freezer system is set to max. to ensure speedy freezing of said trays. i also like the idea of shapes entering production but only in order to flumix said other, so i don't know if it will be possible. but anyway, we're monitoring the situation and- onward to other matters.

like your working out schedule. you've caught the bug, just remember to cross-train. and don't forget the importance of weight training. granted i am completely lazy about it, but live as i say not as i do.

currently work is ok. i'm trying to keep a low level of hostility and generally remaining open to requests, assignments, and the demands of a full snack bag. i assume my AP has things to do, because when she doesn't she goes a little nuts. especially if no one is getting back to her about anything. like the touristboard of exlay entuckykay... who doesn't want to give us footage because we're not a travel show. whatevs. and various other things that drive me as you say, slightly batty. i recently aqcuired a small wooden sea turtle found in another abandoned cubicle and a chest of drawers i'm using as a foot rest. and i spent the entire day watching the rise of heerchay egendlays unbarday take state in 94. and go onto ationalnays... ah the glory days. and logging the bits and photo montages underscored by cheese for music.

right now, having left that day hopefully far behind, i'm listening to music i downloaded from camp thorne. thinking i'd be less lazy later i just put as many songs as i could on each album and then there were some that wouldnt burn so i have this random mix of emin*m and catpower and russian waltzs. but since i brought them into work to see if there was anything we could use for our show i might as well listen to them over talk radio. which completely spikes my anxiety levels.

and today i woke up a little after 7 which having gone to bed after 12 i find ridiculous in the extreme. i decided not to get gas when i got home from this healing prayer service thing (must explain later) but then there were no parking spaces, so i actually drove thru the street and kept going and tried again- and by trying i mean, moving someones trashcan of which they've blocked the entire space with. and then wrote a note to mom asking her to make sure they didn't key my car in the morning as she's up early. (space is at a premium people)! and she went above one and just moved it. none the wiser? its like people seriously get rid of your f*cking cars! and you'd think the spaces would clear when morning comes and work starts but they dont. or when people are out doing things on the weekend. but they dont. its the barrios downside, one of many obviously, but still. i know, i'll try not to dwell on it.

anyway i sense some mundane work task afoot involving PO#s, and signing expense reports. I'm happy to note i will be getting $32 back from the runs i did. and am trying not to make gas too much of an idol. bcs seriously. there.it.goes. and the umbrage one feels when paying 3.29 when you find days later a station for 3.05. as i am out of credit card money and am still gazing longingly for my 1st check to come in. if only the seaweed would sell. or my career in alchemy to take off. we'll see. for now more on mysticism and prayer in the next letter. maybe after a mango or making it home before 9. we'll see.

m.

m-zies,

I don’t know what came over me today, mowing the lawn for the first time ever. I’ll admit, it was kind of fun. Granted, there were no hills and it’s a self-propelled mower, but still. I felt accomplished. So much better than after ironing, where I apparently iron wrinkles into articles of clothing and press collars unevenly. Whatevs. My talents simply lie in other areas.

Fre@ks & Geeks is showing on IFC and I’m recording whatever episodes I can find. It’s finally time to watch. James Fr@nco, ahhh! And my old neighbor, Busy P.

Last night I drank a full bottle of wine at a sleepover, which I feel might have been excessive, but once I was within reach of finishing, there was no point in not. Since I was all smart and spaced the drinks over several hours, I was merely dehydrated and slightly headachy. We watched Shag. I’m so glad sleepovers don’t have to end when you’re grownup.

I’m up to page 189, btw. And I liked these lines in “Preaching”:

…I remain vulnerable to despair, which, for me, is the opposite of faith. For many of my friends, the opposite of faith seems to be intellectual doubt, which has ceased to be a major obstacle for me. Perhaps this is mental laxity on my part; I prefer to think of it it as the grace of a poetic sensibility.

J.Lo and I are approaching one of those mini-seasons of life that contain a lot of ifs and possibilities, one of which is everything staying exactly the same. But maybe it won’t. I get panicky (feel despair) at some of the possible scenarios, and doubtful. I keep coming back to the idea of confident faith and wish I could just om out and let it all unfold the way it’s supposed to, the way it obviously will.

Um, also – I went to the gym like 5 days last week. I know.  Something’s clearly wrong with me.

Have you considered bringing ice with you to work, as well? Or is that overkill.

xxoo,

pen

My Work Letter to Pen:

good morning pen,

so i left early and went to look at the lot in hwood and the plants were hanging in there despite the scorching heat of the week. though the hollyhocks look pathetic and i can only wonder if they're going to make it. i gave them a little water and went on my way. i'm wondering if there are things i could be doing in hollywood weekly- um hello working out- duh, i just thought of that, but its a nice welcome break on my trek into work. and of course thinking of "things we could do with the lot"... which involves trucks and hauling rubble. and too much for my brain to handle right now.

i've thought of two good work things- lolly loves covered parking. i'd forgotten that she's been viciously exposed to the elements for at least a year 1/2 of her young life. so the reprieve is nice. she barely even complained that she got sprinkled on this AM. she also noted a woman parked at the end of the lane get out to check her car and move it fwd twice only to then abandon the spot as she determined she was sticking out too far... still. she wasn't even in an suv. lolly was amused. the other thing we like is... i totally forgot so i was going to mention post-it notes and sharpies but supplies are at a premium. i did manage to scavange some. and then i tried to upload my week in pictures but this 2ndworld country computer (no offence lil 'puter) can't even recognize some basic drivers and oh, doesn't play dvds either. even though it clearly has it installed. awesome. so my netflixplancompletely-thwarted. also we were going to do some actual logging work, but that's out. oh so the other thing is i get to read this onlinebook on mysticism. its pretty fantastic so far- the author is fairly animated and blythe. one might say plucky? for a philosophically word laden book.

Where the philosopher guesses and argues, the mystic lives and looks; and speaks, consequently, the disconcerting language of first-hand experience, not the neat dialectic of the schools....

“Oh, taste and see!” they [the mystics] cry, in accents of astounding
certainty and joy. “Ours is an experimental science. We can but communicate our
system, never its result. We come to you not as thinkers, but as doers. Leave
your deep and absurd trust in the senses, with their language of dot and dash,
which may possibly report fact but can never communicate personality. If
philosophy has taught you anything, she has surely taught you the length of her
tether, and the impossibility of attaining to the doubtless admirable grazing
land which lies beyond it.

Besides that I realized part of my hostility besides switching gears was not having worked out for a full week. I vertiably flew into the pool. My shoulder flared up as i finally got to swim but i persevered and have rescheduled yoga for sat. The scale has gone back down also and I can only hope for the next notch down so at to mark some real progress. And as to the quote I may make it my anthem. Though I may never realize my mystical output in creative form to a olympian degree, it seems so exactly to how i view the world... and i like the idea of not living in a neat dialectic world.

m.

Hard Day Pen,

The forces are at work against my contentment. The heat is not helping. (and i didn't get to yoga) Sudden turnings and wanderings around gas expenditures, deducting from pay, and time, where is that going, 11 hours total and then what, bed by 10. And do it again. Last night i whacked my foot and kept myself mostly asleep. As the pain was radiating up my leg. I thought you could wake up or just process this all and keep sleeping. Apparently I drew blood and removed skin from a box i had on the shelf. What was I doing so close to it, and why was my leg getting grabsy with the shelves? I woke up and went ohhh, wait what!?

Which reminds me, I had a dream about you and scott and your house last night. Danica and I had come to visit. Klo was at first afraid and then ohhh, how did you get here kind of thing. And Danica went walking, because it was good for her to go without the kids, but it had gotten dark fast, so I drove back to get her and she'd said she'd gone out to far. I think we were all going to go eat BBQ together. And we were looking for where your magnolia sapling was. And I saw the overpass of a freeway going over to the left of your house, your house itself was on a bit of a hill, mountainy forest area, and i saw it growing in btw the two onramps, and i thought, what a silly place for a tree. Though it would provide shade eventually. I hope thats not the tree, i thought. It wasn't. Yours was placed near the center of the lawn, There were new leaves on your tree- and by all accounts it was going to be a lovely visit.

Must get less stalericecakes,
m.

Penbunsandabs,

Why does working in an office make people (me) so hungry and snackish? I'm contemplating a coffee addiction. I don't want it to be a longterm relationship sort of thing though. Perhaps a flirtation. I can't decide. It calls to me though. It really does. And all the teas have lecithin so nevermind that.

I remembered my lotion, cuticle cream, headphones, snacks (stale ricecakes were a mistake), fruit, almonds, gum. I've favorited radio stations, a book i want to read on mysticism, news- i need more things to watch/listen too. Maybe not though. It's like not having a mug makes me hesitate about the coffee/hot cocoa situation. And because of administrator only upgrades, no netflix, no hulu and NO youtube. Oddly i can watch stuff on funnyordie. So thats a plus. Also I've observed that besides the whacky biodegradable plates and such there is a heavy ice consumer besides me. So by 2 already we're out, the cubes aren't freezing fast enough. There's only 1 tray. Though maybe its more than just my unknown nemesis. It could be anyone. But still I want a pristinely cold beverage. And is it too much to ask when its 98 out and sleepily temperate inside?

OH and did i mention. I totally got out of uryjay utyday. boo0-yah! I was suppose to go in today and i was determined to make at least the $400 due me after tax for a full weeks worth of work. Hence the, i'm totally not going govt. Throwthebookatme. I'm sure this 2 wk long debacle will resurface in the future but for now, i've escaped. I called at 8am, spoke to a very nice man (shocking) who said I just needed to send in my form, filling out sections a,b,g,f and done. So dazed by such ease I wandered off into traffic and made it to work without dying.

I may even make it to yoga. Today's the day. I wish I had more things to tell you. But the length of conflict is very low and i've gone into, how to burn the day and do nothing. I'vE already slipped back into it. So that I can by the end of the day tell you not at all what i've done. I think there were some breakroom,w/c visits, a morning meeting about photographs and cheerleaders. I did have to deliver some tapes and find something on the internet but that was about it. I think?

I will contemplate other love affairs... french perhaps, gyms, swimming, nature- i wonder what new ones there are- tea definitely- was recently cultivated. my love of non-wheat related things? Must contemplate the newness of new habits that teeter on the abyss or have already entrenched themselves. Certainly work is one.

m,

I might not be able to get up off the couch tomorrow. We’ll see. BodyPump classes are just as scary as they sound. I still don’t really get it yet – the rhythm or whatever, and the gung-ho culture in the workout room – but I guess I have to keep going back and eventually it will stick? Which I suppose I will – if I can move ever again. It’s all conditional.

Raaaandom ponderings, because I know you want to know. Long-term relationships. I don’t mean the kind with people, necessarily. I’m realizing in the past year or so, I’ve begun several new long-term relationships. I thought long and hard about each of them before beginning, and plan for those relationships to last a really long time. Yoga. Church. Fighting slavery. Now running. The last of which I admit is still tenuous, because ugh, shin splits. Misery. But all have been slow but methodical roads, intent on building toward something I can explore as long as I’m able. There were and are honeymoon periods for each, as well as moments of disheartenment, joy, contentment, struggle, etc. And each are love relationships in a way. Journeys. And for better and worse, I’m fairly happy about each of them, and even the fact of making those deliberate choices to begin with.

On the flip side, everything’s just kind of dying outside. The ginormous tomato tree is knocking over the smaller, more reasonably-sized tomato plants with its sprawling-ness. The basil looks about done. Eggplants, cucumbers, cabbage, all the same. And the planter boxes have me worried – will the stuff come back, or maybe it’s their time…? And speaking of which, for the stuff that lies dormant over the winter and reappears in the spring, what do you do with it? Anything? Cut it back, water it? I’m so confused.

Oh, and the magnolia tree sapling burnt to a crisp. It’s a stab through the heart every time I wander out there.

But tomorrow we’ll meander over to the neighbors if it’s not raining and pick blueberries – even though K.Lo says, “I don’t like blueberries.” Maybe yoga – if I can move, of course. Or maybe even if I can’t move? I hear you’re supposed to push through the pain or something like that. Hope you remembered your chapstick.

xox

pen

Oh My Pen,

This part of me has atrophed. I am buckling in hour 6. Food wasn't adequate, snacks are gone, that should get me through to the end, but none of it is staving off that slumped over my desk, blurry eyed feeling. The very hum and drone of the a/c is working against me. The soft glow of artful lighting, and no real access to the outside is driving me to hibernate. I'm sure I go through this everytime. A long time ago. In a land faraway kind of everytime. Nothing to do as settled in as I wait for badges and signatures and tapes to be dubbed. I cleaned my desk with soap and sponge in the first 30minutes. Went downstairs to get my cup out of my car as they don't supply them... ah memories. My lips are chapped, and no chapstick in the bag. It's like having gone to cenam without a spanish language dictionary. Which i did. But you think i would've learned by now. I taped my foot in the first hour. Having already made several blocks walks and up and down elevators- sad little heel. And still i haven't figured out when to fit in yoga. I sort of doubt my level of consciousness come 6pm. But maybe? Maybe by wednesday. I wonder also about my work hours.

But here I go.
i'm going to go get water.
try not to think of too much else.
water water water

Penelope,

This week i'd been fighting off that, I don't have a job and have 5wks to make x amt of money, apprehension. (humming and bubbling right below the surface) Totally distracting and lame. Sometime around wednesday I also forgot to call into JuryDuty. So that as I was suppose to report on thursday and I failed to do so, and realized it only after i read staci's blog about how she was dutifully calling in to juryduty... Which means I now have to call on sunday, for monday... i don't know if that starts me to a whole new week? Or just the two days I lapsed on. I think that would be too optimistic. It sucks because i made it from friday last all the way till wed, then poof out of my head it went. Then yesterday beyond hope I got a 7wkgig@E! It is a lowly PA position most likely going nowhere in the middle of nofreewayland. But oddly not panic inducing. More like a great, lets go, sort of feeling. And now of course I may call to reschedule the jury thing till post gig. Besides that I did manage to get an etsyshopup after 4 years, but now what? Why has no one bought anything. Also shipping policies freak me out. (haven't done) But at least with the 7weekgig I can now pay my autoinsurance and afford the gas to go up to SB to collect more seaweed? And the $60 acu session i charged on tuesday... as that crick in my shoulder never abaited. Its sore but seems on the mend, but my heel of course, he said the muscle was twisting. Today i bought some sports tape. Tightness however is an artform i have not mastered, which induced a limping around hollywood and cutting of my circulation scene. And does that mean i should lay off the walking for a while? It seems to be one little thing after another. It has inspired me to wear my clogs, which aren't perfectly shaped like my holland clogs, but they'll do bean,they'll do. Maybe I could take a chisel and make them larger inside. Which is a benefit of wood shoes. Right now i'm eating a popsicle (or 2). Danica and i survived our prayerwalk through the city. But now no more outings unless we get up ridiculously early or stay out late. What to do. Summer plans laid to waste in an instant. We did find a cheap healthy food place and tried a judo something or other infusion taco truck off sunset, and stopped in for coffee at an independent place on vine. We also ran into a tour guide named vern we'd met from before. So if it be a last hurrah then it didn't go badly.

Besides that operation organize has tanked my energy. Normally I have an unflagging vigor in regards to such projects but this week its been pulling teeth. Where i stare at a box for an hour, come back later, move something, take another break, think about it all over again. It's agonizing. My trying not to look at the whole thing with a complete air of futility and yet still. But I must not be all or nothing. This will help in the end. This restructuring. Lately I've had a tiny bit of sympathy for mom in this ridiculously small house with no storage space. And dad having squeezed her out of the garage. Which must be bigger than our house proper. But why fight for space you don't want to live in. It's like my reluctance to live in the bathroom. Still haven't moved in by the way. (just now emptied a box in there while talking to cath) We don't necessarily need large spaces. My dream though is for an uncluttered one. And thank God for the space i do have. But must keep getting rid of things. Even if i won't part with variously silly things.

Also if i werent' selfabsorbed i'd make you a congrats for staying off FB for 5 hours postcard. But as it is i'm too wrapped up in my anxiety (farmtown playing) and worrying if all this summer food of grilled bbq chicken, corn and watermelon is going to catch up with me. (Probably not.) Oh and the bing cherries. My absolute favorite. And there was that earthquake and the strange overcast mornings in the middle of july. It's positively temperate. A curious summer. And that guy who puts flyers on peoples cars in their driveway. Is it wrong of me to want him chased of properties with a gun? As it is i almost hit him with my car as he seeming like he was about to pass out from the heat and effort staggered across my path with his stolen shopping cart. Which he was going to retrieve from my streetside parking space. He probably lamented that I had not arrived earlier, as he couldn't flyer my car.

I've got to get more to drink and advance onward to the laundry room. Which one day will house the vacuum cleaner, broom and have space for the ironing board. Should i ever own one. We do now but they're in ridiculous places and i wont talk about it. And tomorrow is the prayer people comin' on over. I have no ice. or bacon... but we'll cobble something together. I think.

m,out.

m/ore,

I should also mentioned that I think we glutted the Venus Fly Trap. Not necessarily in a bad way, but it’s possible we have given it enough food to last the next 8 years. The flies have finally “noticed” it, and hang out on the windowsill right there, and today I saw one land right on the jaws of a trap, and the jaws were just like… Meh. No thanks. I’m good.

At the gym today, an elderly lady brought in her own fan for the treadmill. I don’t mean one of those hand-helds. It was this clip-on contraption, and the fan itself was maybe 9 inches in circumference? Sizable. Huh. But then the lady totally kicked my ass with her pacing, so what can you really say.

I don’t know whether these hip-opening exercises in yoga are really helping. I mean, they feel necessary, but not exactly good. Mainly, I feel like a 32-year-old with the hips of an 82-year-old. It doesn’t bode well for the future. Our yoga instructor was in rare form today, including a Willie Nelson song in the mix, to which she commented, “You know you love Willie Nelson. He does know how to breathe – don’t always know what he’s pulling in, but he does know how to breathe.”

Yesterday, I went on a Facebook Fast, and lasted a full 5 hours. I know! Don’t hold back your congratulations. They might even make an e-card for such an accomplishment, and I totally think you should check. Mainly, I was annoyed about a recent random unfriending, which I realize is completely unfair of me, because I’ve unfriended over 40 people in the last few months. And my reasons aren’t necessarily malicious, they are usually based in ambivalence, and the desire to clean house a little. But still. Then there was the “Pregnant Pig” application that showed up in my feed, and it put me over the edge on Random Applications that Muck Up my News Feed and Require the Hide Button. THEN – and this really put me over the edge – I read through a friend’s status/discussion about hiding and unfriending, and someone commented, “I usually hide them first, and then they’re unfriended later, when I clean up my friends list.” Or something like that. Anyway – that person totally unfriended me a few months back! I’m like, I can still see you. Asshat. It’s a love/hate relationship with Facebook all around.

Today, the Produce Box returns after a 3-week hiatus with all those road trips. I can’t remember what I ordered, but doesn’t that just increase the suspense? J.Lo asked, what’s for dinner? And I said, I have no idea, because who knows what inspiration will strike. Who knows.

pen

my m,

It’s Week 3 of the walk-to-run program! Do you feel the excitement? Cough. Gasp. In related news, I’m secretly terrified of a enduring a tragic (humiliating) accident on the treadmill. Don’t look at your feet!

We are back from the lake. It was magical as always. I can’t say I exactly feel more rested, particularly after the car-ride portions of the trip, because as one of the moms on Modern Family said about their family trip to Hawaii – Honey, please. It’s a business trip. But more pictures to come, and it was rad-tastic to see Andi and Ash once again. Aren’t we cute?

I love this pic, but do you see my hair? WTF. It was a Bad Hair Weekend overall, but I have to say, I’m generally not so pleased with how this cut is growing out. They’re supposed to last more than a month. Chrisssssssy! I need my old hairdresser back. Maybe soon. Provided she hasn’t run for the hills after having her 3rd baby. I’m still not over that time she discussed changing careers to become a dental hygienist. Doesn’t she know I need her?

I’m still at the same place (160s) in our book. I know. Slacker. Picking up again soon cuz I was on a roll there for a minute.

Random pondering of the week: How starved is our culture for rituals? Since we’re a big ol’ melting pot of cultures, and the culture that’s evolved here is rather homogenized, consumerist, gadget-loving, just how much have we lost? I mean, rituals and roles in a very traditional culture can be somewhat stifling if one isn’t a fit. But at the same time, those rituals and roles provide an anchor, a script for how to behave so one doesn’t flounder. And while a given ritual may be tedious, inefficient work, isn’t there a certain comfort in them? Or is that a completely bourgeois perspective, wanting to return to older, simpler ways because of “comfort,” when the old way of doing things came to be out of need, not desire.

I’m speaking all abstractly and non-specific, but would love to hear your abstract and not-specific thoughts.

off to walk-run-and-yoga,

pen

Penofwar,

True to the ghetto, fireworks though illegal are going off like a riot, or what i assume warzones might sound like without the flyovers. Zeppelin luckily has gone mostly deaf. She vaguely senses things that would send her tremoring are afoot but defers to sleep on her dogbed instead. She is 98. The cats however are not happy. They freak me out by sitting in the exact center of the hallway and then creeping low and looking left to right. Marley for instance is just sitting up in the frame of my doorway. Turtle due to fatigue let me place her on my footstool. To to the frenetic energy on all counts i find my productivity severely curtailed. I emptied the closet in the artroom and have begun placing things here and there as previously mentioned. And must remind myself things look worse sometimes before they are better. Plus my heel hurts and there's still that crick in my shoulder.

Besides that it was a strange day at church. I was going through the basement and i felt things touching me all over the place and then later upstairs this girl appeared in the doorway and sent both aimee and i jumping. After that this woman was upset about something or other and then she emailed me and then we were emailing back and forth. But before that there was a stop at juicy burger. They were juicy but needed a little more flavor, but the fries were good. And in honor of ... well holidays i did buy a frap and ate way too many bing cherries. i do love this country and i can't say a row of flags isn't beautiful.

oh, also, And, my left ear itches. It totally bugs.

Tomorrow is gym, lunch/tea, packingstuff, games, stuff to garage, etsy?

m.

Pentacular,

Ok, that was exhausting. My brain hurts. I want to go clean and organize or watch a movie but feel i have not the strength for any of these items. It probably didn't help that after months of avoiding farmtown i started clicking away we go. Though it is cool now that you can fish in the rivers. So maybe tomorrow or tonight? I'll finish? I mean how many items does one load anyway? What does one say in the bio and "policies" page? Am I charging too much? I cant believe i've been putting this off since Nov '06. Now that's crazy. What else to throw up on there besides seaweed... http://www.etsy.com/shop/mendacious ... hum. Also someone just linked me to their treasury. I have no idea what that means. It's cool though? I think. I need to go collect more seaweed. So that everything up there is my absolute fav? uh, Again, exhausted.

Yesterday I went with danica and got some tea masala (spice to make CHAItealattes) so I may make some of that. (did it) Anything to snap me out of this. Or wander outside. (check) I should do that to. But before that I'll post the photoshoot I took of Cath's feet. Got to keep diversifying that portfolio. (not) Now what to do...

Penatintin,

(Now this girl needs a boy, and has arrested the wandering eye upwards to this girls grey hairs. Alas. But she dreams now and then of a something-other. And galatians 5 is far away. So the girl still alone in her convent prays.)

Right now I'm considering paying my bills but don't want to say goodbye to the cash. I did just get an optimistic call for 7wks work, not with scully however. It's a may be. A we'll see if the call comes. It's the opposite of juryduty. But at least I dont have to go on tuesday, nothing whatever is known about wed-friday. And I'm slowly moving into my bathroom. I wonder at it because I've never lived in there. I've always had an alienated relationship to it, even as a kid. Certainly it was never a lovely place. So it seemed the only thing I kept in there was my toothbrush and my razor- and come to think about it I never do much of either. So not just distant relationship to the bathroom, but perhaps, downright strained and hostile? It could explain why I don't like to shower, shave or brush my teeth.... or why i let it go for so long. It always seemed a place to avoid? An unhappy chaotic space.

It was a wonder that it took me just a day to even let my hairspray in there and some bathing and camping products. They're piled in a box waiting for space. I still won't put my brush or makeup in there. I say it's because there's no room, and the place so small and yet I'm still skeptical of my excuse about vanity tables and getting ready in my bedroom. The deodorant won't go in there either. But despite, is it a step? A small one. Even as I wonder about its getting done-ness. Give it time. Give it time. Us slow movers. I've also made a bag of "mega shadow-box" project stuff. And have plans to move this and that over here and there. It takes time to do all this headsorting.

Right now i'm watching Storytellers on WatchNow, favorite most awesome ever. Last night I had nearly nothing so fun to watch, was reading, then trying to sleep but too much chocolate and green tea and was up late staring into space, imagining my possibly rad but haven't yet seen sleighbed? queen sized?! (my dad actually found free and unsolicited for me) though i can't yet afford a mattress or the space (the only thing which he said to me)- and then i finally passed out only to wake dreaming of a girl who climbed high up into a roundtower to escape the pillaging of a castle. Except it was enchanted? And the girl stayed there up until the present day, just waiting and living and undistressed or unaware of her state. And a woman found her and the girl talked about all the beauty about the place and the purple light thru some of the stained glasswindows. And the woman told her that she was trapped and wouldn't she like to come down and live like a normal person through time, to live, to die- to grow up? I think the girl might've answered yes,

But, then I woke up.

Tomorrow I might actually load stuff onto etsy. If you can believe it. I'm not sure if I do yet. That is really the only thing on my to-do. and the iron-ontransfer, to meditate, to walk dog since for-ever, paybills, eatchocolate with almonds and fruit and maybe make a new list.

m,gods greatest nation ever.
(ps. sorry about your weird ridiculous knuckle issue. it may be as bad as my i dont want to heal shoulder.)