to tula

- and her missed presence, her web-spun perfection. The made-up but delightful word "carcai." To lost things and spring, may they one day be found again.

Is blogging, then, where the details live? I wonder. And it's a strong argument for returning full-fledged (me, you, us, everyone, the whole world even), though in the socially-networked, smartphoned-out world we've built up, we've managed to create a series of daylong energy zappers, or diverters, as the case may be. And so maybe it's quality, not quantity we should strive for, hence smaller lists of the close friends or whatever we choose to label them. But I find myself creeping back to the bigger list, the wider circle, for whatever reason. And then quickly becoming aggravated by the clutter, or bored with the excess of details I never wanted or asked for within this wider circle, and left wanting more and/or wondering when and if to give more to and from the smaller circle.

Blogging is better, I think it can be solidly concluded. But then Facebook is where everyone now lives. Ooo - sidenote - is personal blogging now effectively counter-cultural? Almost. Oh, how quickly this world, the vocabulary and the constructs, evolves!

It does present a conundrum of creative energy and social energy and how and where and when to spend it. Or is it not a conundrum and it's really a simple thing.

I do hate, as I mentioned to a friend (camping buddy) on our recent adventure, how everything is scattered across so many different platforms. Pictures, words, thoughts, memories, explanations. Tula would not approve of this way-tangled web. Our online lives' content is sprinkled and scattered and inconsistent and I wish there were a way to scrape it all together and keep it in one spot, at very minimum. At best, shape into something coherent, cohesive and tangible.

We spent New Year's in the woods, the sky super-clear and way more expressive even than what I see here, from our own front yard. This cabin camping trip was a good 'un and I think it will be replicated in the future. Good company, good food, good locale and good scotchy scotch scotch. One excruciating detail is the sole of my shoe, which I rested on the metal fire ring and effectively melted, shredded. I felt it happening but ignored it until we came home. And m, I can't even. Those shoes. My favorite, favorite shoes (Docs), which I wore everysingleday in the colder months. I buried them in the closet and won't even reexamine or document the damage in picture form. Literally it makes me shudder just thinking about their being wrecked.

The shoe repair place here is closed for whatever reason, and there's this online place that I called today for resoling estimate: $79. Plus $12 shipping. That's nearly the cost of a new pair! Which I could, but can't. I really can't justify that. So I've been looking around on ebay but then I accidentally bid on the wrong size and had to ask for bid retraction and consequently cut myself off from ebay for the rest of the night.

There's a few days left of break for myself and the children. Somehow every night I dream of work, either mundane events with the children - maybe my subconscious is worried about a few because FB tells me they've been sick? or sometimes it's weird events that make little sense. Last night on the other hand, a preschool dream evolved into one where J.Lo insisted that, given perfect sky conditions, he could and would fly me in a plane to closely observe the moon.

I'm resolving - no, readying - to conquer or at least surpass the winter's doldrums. I do love that about a school year, the predictable, traditional, month-by-month way it unfolds. And in teaching, how you become responsible for that unfolding, creating and carrying each month's meaning. It's kind of a beautiful anchor. January for my group is all about hibernating. Bear-hunting and such. (EEJ, your birthday party of yore is inspiring an entire classroom setup!)

There is always something to look forward to. Even in this natural time of loss-and-sorrow. (Man, I hate that Param died, right then.) This coming-down from the excitement and glory of Christmas.

There are children to teach, a K.Lo party to plan, walls to paint! And countless other good things.

My resolutions, if they exist, are as such: to create more. What, it does not matter - words, foods, crafts. Now that AA must have received her ninja(?), I can freely blog about how this Christmas season, my absolute favorite thing in the day-by-day madness was hand-making these felty bookmarks and ornaments. With stitching and all. The end results were quirky, personalized and from the penelope-heart. I feel like next year I could start even sooner, but this brings me to my second resolution which is -

to reconnect with serendipity. It's something I feel like the highly sophisticated and awesomely accessible intrawebs has somewhat destroyed, but no - it has simply evolved. Serendipity through FB allowed us in a single random thread to reconnect with old friends and set up that great camping trip. Serendipity through Pinterest landed me on those felty creations, however late in the season. Serendipity still exists, and I want to embrace it.

Also, not a resolution but a conclusion for 2013. Something I almost posted on the FBs and then retracted five thousand times in my mind, but will place here as A Detail: There is no "getting better." I'm done waiting for that, after nearly a year of having suspected LD, journeying to figure out WTF it was and attempting to treat it and then still having symptoms, everysingleday. Every single day, I will probably feel something wrong with me, the weak arm or the achy joints or the not remembering shit moment to moment. Mixing up word context and being only vaguely aware of it after the sentence has been spoken. And other weird or disconcerting randoms. But I can't let the excuse of it overwhelm me into lump-dom, into putting xyz off indefinitely. There is rest and self-caring, yes. But also continuing to live a life, and attempting to make it a good life.

I suppose this a stopping point for now. TBB (to be blogged) is a list of my random pet peeves, to which I couldn't manage to naturally segue here, including the recent trendy word and related phrase, "gut" and "gut health." And I look forward to the Hallmark Channel post.

love to you across the miles,
pen

Penelope.

Hello, from across the continent. I'm listening to Bon Iver and Param is by my feet. And I'm up past my usual bed time of 10pm at least this last week. I can feel the rhythms evening out as each thing is accomplished, and hammering asphalt intermittently during the day as my upperbody building exercises is enough to make my eyes lightly mist up in encouragement that even that - this measurable output 1/3 done- Sure even as I sat and sighed deeply in satisfaction at 2/5 gardenias planted I noted that they're being attacked by something and that the 2/3 is long as the day is hot in August. But still. We do what we can. We do it where we're at and we don't wait to be anywhere else. To suddenly have money. For pigs to fly. For things to alter themselves when they have always been the way they are.

Mom said that painting the bathroom was not akin to climbing Everest and I quipped and she hurumphed. But each room I think is a mental and emotional battle against my own internal grudges. Deep-seated. Grooves that go really far down into my own heart of darkness. Grooves that have me loosing my shit over craptastic drywall work- lines everywhere, lines cracking through the primer, drywall not flush to the door jamb, weird fucking wonky not perfect shit. I look at the spider like smash I made in the enamel of the bathtub- 3+ years ago by now and I think I made that. I was tired. I swung and I missed and I knew I had to put the sledge hammer down. But this drywall business is just half-assery. I get it. I'm guilty of it, like the floor- there's lines aren't there. But this guy they hired and my dad know better. They aren't novice hacks. I don't know why it enrages me so. Maybe because I feel i'm doing this by myself against the stream of fuckall. I had worship music going for a good while just to push through the inevitably toxic mental churning.

Still it didn't stop me having to scream at someone (poor mom) of the shit job- surely someone has to know. Someone else besides me in my own head all by myself, as I spend each day fighting the gremlins from room to room. And then of course somehow got into a fight with Amber where she was prompted to hold against me all the things she's done for me that I thought were generous of her but apparently not, so of course I should do just this thing out of 'you owe me'. Don't you? And I was reminded of the MM part where he talks about how we economize relationships- and I thought ok i'm not going to do that. I won't tit-for-tat this. But then it led me to wonder what other resentments other people were stacking against me. It goes to what we can possibly repay. We can't. I'm in enough debt as it is- I simply can't keep account to balance out friends- but it's a new way. A new groove. To burn the ledger- and how to love through and in that space. I can't say I know what that looks like.

It's control too and the perfection you know time and money can execute for you. To just have it done. To not labor. As if nothing is learned, gathered or built in the doing of things. Are they really time stealers- or are they like washing the whiteboards or waxing the car- the discipline of carrying through and doing and being mundane creation and maintaining- and how we behave in those spaces and the decisions we make to keep going- hacking at the asphalt, letting the lines lie- weeping, gnashing and then rubbing the imbedded gravel out of our knees and we keep going- to find peace in an imperfect space. To find peace in ourselves.

And then in those meditative spaces I think- God, you must not care about me as I sit here in this imperfect mess and you don't deliver me from it with bags of money or a husband or a friend who won't inevitably hold it against me if I ask for help. And then I hear, it's not important. But I think that's me thinking what God would say, and then I argue back but it's important to me. But then I think what's the aim and the aim isn't perfection, and I think God would agree with me on that. And then what it is - relationship- in those spaces with God and myself in the concrete, and in those spaces in my heart that all of these things trigger. Pondering the verses below as things fly through my head, as I shrug my shoulders from the tension and crack my wrists from the overwork. It would be better if Jesus be my arbiter- against accusations of who I am in the world and to others. It will never be enough without him. So the power of such things must be to walk in faith through them- the small that would make us small- to define myself not by the cracked lines of an atom among many, but by him, who makes me heir and calls me daughter. I have to believe I'll be the better for it.

^2cor10:3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

hashing it out

So I survived the morning sub gig? And I wouldn't say I want to slam the door and run away completely. I'm still processing, so let's talk about it. I'll probably be processing for awhile so it's good I had the chance now and have the time before deciding whether you know - is this what I want to do. Try for. Maybe? The parents overall seem higher maintenance than the children. And the children were all batty because there was a sub. And oh, they were 2-year-olds. I'm fairly sure this is not my preferred age group. And some were sweet but then I do feel like for 3 hours straight you are reprimanding at least one person at all times. And that can be a complete drain. And some of it was just plain overwhelming - like knowing who drops off who and who picks up who and the Personalities and keeping track of how this and that kid did over the course of the day and blah blah. And you forget at that age that you can basically manhandle them if they're not doing what they're supposed to do. Not coming out from the corner? I can so pick you up and carry you wherever I want. Which was the case at pretty much every turn. Crawling under the tables and rocking the chair back into the wall and dismantling the cozy corner, etc. And the new kid who cried - I think he bothered me the least however. Because I get where he's coming from. Anyway if I were there all the time and they were more "my" little students, I suppose it would all become second nature, the absorbing of all these personalities and their rhythms? Maybe. Or would I still at the end of the days feel like I was having to be just so *on* every second, all the time. I find that exhausting. And I totally did yearn for the world of by-myself-$2/hr-fuckit-so-be-it freelance writing work. Oh the tradeoff. Maybe I'll end up settling for a mix? Who knows. Process, process. Process some more. 

Anyway I was completely exhausted this afternoon. 

So back to my self-reminders - HOLY SHIT those designers this season on ProRun! I mean there are bad, mostly missing the mark runway shows and there's the thing that just happened with pretty much absolutely nothing looking even remotely good, at all. Embarrassing execution of sad designs. Nina Garcia in inconsolable yet mirthful tears. Heidi waving her finger and literally saying, Bad Designers. Like they were all puppies. But seriously Patricia and that time-suck of a horrible basket-weave shirt! And those ginormous shirts and shrunken ties and pants that were literally unvelcroing at the seams. While the model stood there, unmoving. Yipes. Just - so bad. I'm already ready for the next season, because who is even going to redeem themselves by the finale, I have few guesses and little hope. 

Birthday! I already filled you in some but that favorite selected moment - it had to have occurred outdoors, as the weather was so penelope-perfect I could barely stand it. Probably when we were all eating our unexpected cinnamon rolls from the cupcake bakery on the backporch. Watching puppy roam. Feeling the spring breeze. Adoring the cream-cheese frosting. Mmm. Yes, that. 

It's Thursday and oh look, I'm already completely behind on bible study for Monday. Whatever? I just can't keep up. Much less with Children's Council stuff, which I've completely blanked on since the last meeting. Too busy mind-spiraling and destroying my fingernails! That stuff takes time and dedication, you know. I did however tackle a giant pile of Things that have been vexing me with their presence for a month and a half now and now the pile is gone. So, small victories. And I think it's time to watch New Girl and then maybe some reading in bed - said bible study fare and then Hex Hall? Which I just purchased with a belated birthday gift card that was totally unexpected but delightful. The library does not have that book! But I do, now. 

love YOU. are you so excited to be going home soon? 

xoxox

penelaotang

dear old-same,

Look at you with your motorbike riding self! Now if you're ever on Amazing Race, you know you can handle any challenge involving a clutch. Whereas I'd still be screwed on that (and bungee jumping and spelunking). I loved your story! And I feel like over time and with practice you'd absorb what you'd need to absorb, no longer overthink and it'd become part of you.

And the sheeple. I mean. Yes, to all of your thoughts. And I do think you captured the wild ride, I mean beyond the bike-ride, the sense of place - the clipped rooster, the van driver with questionable yet common humor, the roads just running on through.

I'm on the same page with wah - life is hard sometimes. The child sickday, the snowday, the rescheduled a thousand times interview, and then they never called back after the snowday, and I'm just over it? I mean open to the interview if it ever happens, but also sort of deflated and trying to remain hopeful rather than dispirited. Although there's nothing that's looked remotely appealing over the past week, as far as applying for more things.

And then in freelance land, the aforementioned completely messed with my schedule and I've still failed to complete my article. Suck. Post-camping, it will get done, but I'm no less antsy about it. And then I tend to get meta-antsy on top of that, pondering the epic investment of time that freelancing involves and the payoff that's probably not worth it, but maybe? The spark of hope flickers on. I don't know. I shouldn't think so much or look down at the road lest I veer off and well - you know.

That car commercial J.Lo posted on FB? Let's talk about that for a second. I mean never have I wept so copiously over a commercial. But it's like Bailey's story! The little puppy and then grown dog, her faithful presence as the guy's life progresses from single-life to relationship to family. And by the end her muzzle is gray and FOR THE LOVE OF - . I can barely handle it.

Oh, so there are butterflies! Four of them. And I didn't see any of them emerge from their cocoons, they all just appeared at intervals and I scratched my head over it, but then it's not like they cause a great noisy commotion, being lighter than air. And ew with the spots of red all over their house that I don't like to think about. But today I added some flowers, which they really, really like, as opposed to the sugar-soaked wadded-up kleenex you can use instead. Imagine. And we're going to take them camping and release them there.

I have anxiety about camping - it's like going for the first time again, with the cabin. Because in theory you know what they have there and what you don't have to pack, but in reality you're still going to forget something that's probably important. And how will the puppy do. Will she nip heels and pee all over the place? I mean more so than usual. And those damn pizzas  bought for tonight were so big they don't fit in my fridge. Unwieldy! Overall it seems like I'm bringing way too much food, but obviously I'll bring home leftovers. It's just those pizzas sending me over the edge.

So I'm up (camping, yay!), I'm down (life anxiety, boo), I'm all over town. But floating on okay...
love to you and may you happen on more magical characters in your unfolding tale,
pen

ho hey, ho hum

Good morning or evening, as the case may be,
At the moment I'm extremely restless, but this hasn't been the norm. No, it's more - wake up, J.Lo, so we can make some biscuits! and the puppy can quit clamoring for your presence already. And the coffee hasn't cooled enough to sip, and I'm too scared to open the biscuit can. And dagnabbit, the puppy keeps chewing on your shoes and my pillowcases. Oh my.

But anyway. Let's talk about madskillz in the Goodwill shopping dept. Ooo, I would so love to go to one or three of your Goodwills in LA. Because if I'm finding decent stuff here (The Loft! Old Navy! Express! J.Crew!) I can only imagine what I'd find there. So far I've added to my wardrobe for outrageously minimal expense: dress shoes, dress pants, a skirt, multiple shirts - some dressy but mostly casual, a sweater, a cardigan, a pair of cords and a pair of jeans. Some of it mildly flawed, of course (like how am I going to get the sharpie-d on price of $4.99 off the bottom of that one pair of shoes?), but some of it remarkably unworn looking. A month ago before I understood the sale system, I had tried on a bunch and wanted to walk out with it all, but then the sale items were explained, and I sighed and put most of it back. But then! I realized most of this stuff probably wasn't going anywhere, so each week I come back and pilfer the things that are currently $1. It's like a game, I admit, and I'm most amused by my take-home clothes-lotto winnings. And then - because I've done a barely adequate job of maintaining a proper wardrobe over approximately the last 10 years, I trade out - with the old. In with the new. All my shit goes back to Goodwill to possibly make someone else happy.

Whatelse. My interview was rescheduled for Tuesday @ 9:30 a.m. EST so everyone think Good Thoughts during that time. I'm waiting for ANTM to start again, even though I secretly hate it. I'm ready for spring! Because it looks like spring some days, but then it's just too chilly to abide. And the other day (maybe Thursday?) was completely gray, dank and like a weather personification of these crap-ass death colds that have been incessantly circulating around our family. J.Lo is on the mend and me too, but now the children are hacking. What on earth. Die germs! already.

I've been working on an article for a digital magazine, randomly, about traversing the world of organics, and segued in my research to find a CSA that we're totally going to join. Since we can do a quarter bushel every week for 24 weeks, for slightly more than $10/week. I feel like it's an awesome plan to supplement our garden yields.

Speaking of plants, I'm still devastated by proxy about your lot being taken all apart. All the symbolism and magic that went with it falls, also. So unfair.

I still have to blog about those creepy, I mean awesome, caterpillars. They're all in full chrysalis at the moment, waiting. evolving under wraps. And totally gross looking in their crunchy, gray, unassuming state. Well, but it's' true!

Ugh, now the children are demanding to be fed. How rude.
Will e you more in a bit - xo,
your penelaotang

dear oldsamey,

You're right, I have stopped labeling my posts. I don't like the new interface either - like they have tried to "simplify" it with all the white space and aesthetically I can embrace that, but its simplicity is actually complicated. It's a lie. And, I finally became so fed up with Windows Live writer, with its own impositions on formatting and the inability to add more label-categories, that I uninstalled the whole dumb thing. It was no longer bringing anything extra to the table and in fact was inciting hostility.

Two futures lay before me for the weekend - some travel, which will apparently include snow. Or staying home with puppies, the bigger of whom is ill. And smelly. And making me say things like, "Only my dog." Only Bender, possessing less sense than God gave a turnip (#blessherheart), would continue to seek out with fervor some substance that makes her grossly sick. Anyway. While less exciting, this Plan B alternative would be kind of thrilling, as it would involve a. alone/down time and b. a lot of catching up on TV. I think I'm now three behind on Grey's, one on Downton, one or two on Carrie Diaries? New ProRun. And then (completely ambitious) I still really want to watch P&P with Colin Firth. All in one go.

Or... read. I do heart my latest book in its soothing, magical prose.

Or... some work. Gag-cough. It's not that I'm not grateful for the quasi-abundance of topics in my q, even knowing half will ultimately be tossed (I can sniff out potential problems with editorial approval a mile away), but I'm more and more getting frustrated with freelancing for the time/effort it takes and correlating payment. Like after seeking, sifting, sorting topics, claiming them, figuring out if I can actually do them, writing them, finding pictures, labeling, titling, submitting them and holding my breath on their acceptance, it's like defeat waiting to happen. Granted when that $25 a pop comes through it's a brief but solid thrill, like winning a scratch-off card. Yay. And it's much more awesome to work at home, filling in the gaps of time and not dealing with human coworkers. I get the trade-off. But then. 98% of the topics, when available, are irrelevant, or problematic, or incite great snark. "Activities for Kids on Caffeine?" I think not about pinteresty crafts and lessons regarding chemical makeup and properties of the compound, but rather, Should you really be giving your kid caffeine? Won't it make them hyper and stunt their growth. How would you even reign in their caffeine-riddled energy to do an activity. And every time I see the "Chinese Teething Myths" topic in queue, I want to take a shot. Of hard liquor. Because it's been months now seeing it, and it's been claimed, unclaimed, claimed, unclaimed, and ultimately never written. Because it is a ridiculous topic. Why not just make it "Ancient Chinese Secrets," just as nonsensical and pointless and vague.

I suppose I should engage in something productive now. Like perhaps packing for the weekend, at least the children's things, or finishing my church mod-podge, even though I'm waffling on the overall design (is it cool? does it need something more?) and lamenting my lack of purple paper to fill in the remaining six gaps.

love to you and weeeeeee! enjoy your motorbike ride,
penelaotong

#9

I thank the Lord the week has veritably flown by in my mental imagination. Though let me tell you last night, I interrupt the students for talking- i am such a bad teacher- and Eun hee is like teacher, no, i'm telling a story about a student who die. What happened, I ask. Teacher, two friends at ara..highschool. The one girl, say let's both jump. on the ... do you know what is this? Yes, the roof, the ledge. Yes. (they are always surprised at how much i understand sometimes) Of school building. Why!? Scorecards perfect teacher, 80 and above in all subjects. So, we don't know. So, they are there. But her friend, she afraid. And she step down, and girl, while she falling, looking up, they see each other. Eyes. Looking, so she know. And friend she-- what is this-- faints. Yes, teacher, faints, and girl she die, knowing that her friend didnt' die with her. Yes, teacher. (Preceding this was one of my favorite students, Young-bin, asking me, teacher why is life so hard. And i pointed to the head and how it made trouble for us... (the heart also) but there was a gulf where no words of mine could cross.) So sad. Other students, Chin-cha!? (Seriously!/Really!) Heads nodding. And the tragedy of the two friends making eyecontact is so haunting and perfectly part of the korean drama. i don't know... Ok! Well let's go on to discuss descriptive words and the beauty of jeju...!

I was going to actually babble about more upbeat things. But i've managed to damper my own spirits just now even though i just licked the mug containing my delicious caffe latte. Inexplicable. Well ok understandable. But still. Ok list of things i'm looking forward to: pay-day, maybe some volleyball, a package from mom, maybe miscellaneous car rental for the weekend just because oh and to help Meaghan move... Or maybe next weekend, and purchasing ticket to vietnam on saturday after the paydaying goes through. Paying bills. Needing to start a list related to things not to miss now that i'm leaving. I've had further meditations on intimacy as related to the poem, but have no place to put them right now. And what else?

I had another class, suddenly (the girls of course), erupt into accusatory- Do YOU KNOW JEJU! They're only like 12 yrs old maybe? or maybe younger? I can never keep it straight.

These girls, I've come to love the class as a whole, but I am a little bit scared of them. There's 8 students now evenly divided and the girls were about to make me walk the plank. And i asked them- well what about jeju? Do I like it? What? And then i proceeded to list places i knew and the korean food i liked. And then they quizzed me about where places were. It seemed to satisfy them. Mullify them maybe? I don't know. Something's in the water this week. Or always but it just came to the surface. The same class that was talking about suicide made an inditement against the new k teacher that to end up here must mean that her education was very bad. There are sometimes that I wish i understood more and there are sometimes i dont want to hear at all. I'm sure that's with life across the board really. As vulnerable and ignorant as kids are they can be stupid and cruel. (STO) Stating the obvious. There i go again. It's just going to be that way isn't it. Back forth. Back forth.

And then there's headlice to add insult to injury. Having to sacrifice the sublime of handbells to the mess of infested hair. I shake my head exalting in the blue sky and wincing at the wind tattered leaves.

m.

Behind the Times

new typhoon - aka "super typhoon sanba". following the same path as the last two. of course R and I are both like YES because it's maybe hitting monday. of course we should have more sense. but we don't. i don't. i mean it has the word super  in the name now. yikes. somehow, it does manage to inspire in my calloused self a certain amount oh shit, this is serious. not sure why. like supernova maybe? or out of control monster?megasupersomething... for some reason that does it. will have to ponder more. and of course my flatmate- soon to be exflatmate had to chime in that it's going to be downgraded to a two by the time it hits us. so there we have it. supermegadeathsomething no more.

so what's been going on since i was last on the scene... uh, hum...
bell choir? really?
hmm. ok. i mean, really? as the koreans say, chin-cha?!

it's like i can picture it and part of me wants to mock it but then i think of that scene from the new girl and i'm like well it is cool. and a good nonverbal activity of communal happenstancing so... i'd totally come see you play too and everything. i might snicker because of the obscurity and quaintness and all but then i'd be all yah man, it's deep andmeditativeandjoyfulandsomejunk.

what else... just yesterday cath asked me what was going on at work and i was like eh, not much. then went on to list all the changes that are my making the shoulders get way to friendly with my neck. which has by the way lost almost an inch- so that includes, threats to give my two oldest classes to the new teacher. granted they're more energetic/handful/monsters depending on the day, and it's a HE, only titillating possibility of being husband material for one of the 4 single women left at work. 3 of us over 36. and his coming in 2 wks maybe? if the paperwork works out and right he's going to be living above me soon, feeling like i'm going to be fired, eating in the hallway sans protection of bookshelf- must photograph... i think i blocked out more but i know that they told the office admin that M quit. not.  and i stress breathe everyday that i'm there- you know that deep inhale and quick exhale like you'd forgotten what it was like to be calm. it's possible i'd be doing this no matter where i was but meh. maybe not.

oh man i just got distracted... total coping mechanism and now i have to go to bed... here's a couple lovely emails:

보낸사람: M>
받는사람 : <doctor>
날짜: 2012년 9월 07일 금요일, 10시 41분 23초 +0900
제목: RE:

I will try to reduce stress and enjoy the life God has put before me. So hard sometimes. Thank you for the kind email. It made me smile. May God guide your hands and your heart today. m- mendacious ------ Dear M. Thank you for your prayer. I hope our words and works could be prayer to God. For reducing emotional stress, opening the mouth could be help. Using the method of closing the mouth is not suitable one, such as thinking and thinking, reading a book, listening the music, eating food stuff, sleeping.. That methods makes emotional stress hiding inside more deeply. How about this ways? Exercise (we have to open our mouth as we need deep breath), shouting (do not let people stand in front of us), singing (do not need to be a good singer) deep breathing (inhale through nose and exhale through mouth).. There is no coincidence as the Lord is ruling over this world.. May God shine your every steps. Steward Kim.

 so basically he's recommending noraebang (karaoke), primal screaming, and yoga? and i love also that reading, sleeping, eating and thinking make stress hide more deeply! must get to singing place asap. must also find standards i can sing asap... hum. anyway... i know it's not going to relieve stress but sleep is needed and a hot shower... the typhoon and my fried chicken craving are going to have to wait.

m.
 

large kopi latte

so we almost made it a month. i mean that 31st part is really irrelevant right anyway? you went camping. my flatmate broke her face. so we were distracted. it's the last days of summer. you got rained on. i spent it in the hospital. oh and today they decided to go ahead and fire her. so who doesn't want to be in the hospital - in the stroke ward- strangely... surrounded by old people in precarious health (literally dying around you, just yesterday), without family, with your jaw wired shut so you can only mumble and eat shit thru straws where you don't speak/sort of understand the language and then be told you dont have a job to come back to and that you have to find a new one to a. keep that all important insurance and b. stay in the country and c. pay bills. but whatever. oh and trying to find a job and talk to recruiters and employers is so easy when you're not able to speak. any-way.

what else.

i'm in yoger having now switched to large lattes. (despite the need to cutdowndairy).. i was going to fix up her apt for when she got back and now i'm like uh no. i just don't even know how to protect the next teacher coming in. it's a vicious cycle. and that atmosphere that was smoothing over? even now that we've been put into a hallway for a lunchroom? yah. sure. great. oh man. i was going to go on about other things. but well what to do. i am down to a size 16 from a 24. and that allergy to stress might be true as the other M texted me about the 30days notice she got and my chest started getting all itchy.

speaking of- i love that i keep running into christians. my doctor just sent me this:

Dear M.
It's a beutiful day and nice to see you again.
I am pleased to let you the last result.
The allergen test for cacao showed negative, that is no antibody against cacao.
 I'd like to recommend that you make your immune system healthy through regular excercise and proper healthy diet. Moreover, eliminating emotional stress..
It will help you..

God bless you.
 From S.Kim.
(Halla hospital)

May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ,
and the love of God,
and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit
be with you all

Amen right? The other day Danica said she saw me on a meathook. Waiting. And only God can let me off of it. One of the verses that struck me that she sent was "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD."... It's that whose trust IS the Lord. Like He Himself is trust. Embodies it. Is it. So to need trust, and to seek- is to seek the Lord himself. And i like that. It's not something I lack. Aw, you just blogged. Hi you. from the future.

xo, m.

Um, Pen

So day 2... i mean we didn't officially talk about it but i think that one belonged to you? I'm here at a coffee shop called cafe bene. I think my latte was made with half hearted interest, as ive become a connoisseur now of lattes being made with love or indifference or in my mind weak coffee. Eventually i'll have to give up and go on to cappuccinos. But never mind. The day has been idyllic despite sand blowing into my ears at the beach- puffy clouds, cool water, loveliness. Then a trip into town for food- the conveyor belt sushi belt place isn't open until later so I suppose if i stayed here a few more hours i'd have dinner there - but i don't know. I ate at burger king. Which i inherently feel bad about like it's food wasted, time wasted but nevermind.

Work is fighting it's way into my consciousness as it looms closer. With that feeling of dread of going back. And that need for a hobby it doesnt seem i have time for. The tension from loveliness to that feeling is making me not want to type- to give up and resume reading or staring into space. It's because I can't resolve it. It just is. What's to work out except to say, God, please I dont want to dread work. And why do I dread it... I know why... but why must i work in a place that makes me dread it.... is it possible like that mythical story officespace to arrive at a place of peace and be like "fucking A." as you clean up the debris of a burned corporate enterprise. I want to believe in a place like that- that i can reach that place....

So I'll go onto something else. I got an allergy test yesterday, four years or so in the making right? I can go into shin on tuesday and get the results. I'm curious. It seems so unneccessary and yet i do love tests and information that's directly related to me. Win/win right? I asked him about the numbquad thing i've had for the past 3 years and he said yes, it is probably related to your lower back and you probably should try a chiro first- and we are our own best doctors yes? Weight loss, correct posture. Etc. Yes. yes. Mmhmm. And i was already so exhaused by Megs freaking out over skin cancer and her irish ancestory and to the thick and heavy psychic energy surrounding hospitals in general that going back for any length of time whether xrays or "other" seems almost impossible to me.

It might be time to go back to tanning. The threshhold of thoughts being held delicately on... i may be in a foreign land but the thoughts are the same. The structure i find myself in new, but familiar. I'll try to talk about love and prayer in the other place or here. Someone ask me some direct questions.

Through timea nd space.

my love, m.

It's Rainy Season,

The weather flipped a switch on Saturday and apparently its all rainboots and umbrellas. I think i'm just going to roll up my pants and wear my flipflops. So what have you been up to? It's been a long time since your last letter. Though i know what with the uprisings, city riots and seiges you arefacing resistance in getting mail out of the settlement. But I still wait and hope.

I have news- My ward the cat was complained about and the landlords called sg and her husband and he forgot ? to say something until they called again? and then sg became righteously indignent and exasperated and offended and all the things that include the high drama of betrayal hands to chest, wide eyes. How could I! And thats OUR place! And if you'd asked we wouldve told you!! and and and...  I Just looked at her dubiously as she accused me of keeping my ward secret, and I shrugged my shoulders and said I rescued her and had been trying to find her a home and then get her spayed and time passed. I felt all the heaping of emotional unhingement as i sat there taking it all in. She came back again explaining she didnt want me to be upset, and that obviously the first talk didn't go well since she said i had to get rid of IT- but she didn't really let me get a word in besides "well I mostly find..." and i just nodded and was like hmm ok. The energy coursing through me was a string of explatives but mostly- of the what am i going to do with the cat. Which is exactly what I've been wondering since she meowed at me months back. But it was at a 10. I found most offensive the fact she chose to tell me on a monday morning before 2 hours of lesson planning and a full day. When she couldve emailed me over the weekend. Or asked my flatmate to call me. I just sighed and tried to calm down. Get online. 1/2ass my lesson plans and email a girl I know who has a cat on the island to watch my ward until I figure things out.

I suppose short of paying her to keep the cat until I leave in Feb... I mean that's best case scenario. Besides flying home over the summer break which is fairly tempting also. Or finding someone to adopt her. Let's just pray that my friend will be able to keep her and that the ward gets along with the lady of the house- stella. a massive blackcat of awesome. Otherwise it all just seems more of a pain in the ass then it already was will be or wahtever it is. I mean I try to be annoyed at sg but really it's all just part of the problem isnt' it. It just is. It's one more thing. And then the minute I start i'm like please, you can't be bothered about it. It's just not worth it. Since I've got to spend more of my emotional energy on the kids, on hoping they dont get sick of the ward... etc.

Anyway deep breathing and meditating commencing. Now. Some tea mayhaps. It's all just a bother. Besides that I mended some pants by taking the back pocket backpart out and attaching it to the tear. I finished PillarsoftheEarth and I enjoyed it. It ended on a goodnote of life going on- though i wish they couldve drawn it out just a bit more. Butwhatever it was mainly because my ipod powered down right at the last 5 minutes but i wasn't sure if it was or not. Then i went to listen to it on the way to work and my ipod froze bcs i rushed it and the file was too big. Anyway-Now i'm on to discovery of witches. Which is pretty-good so far.   

What else. . . it's only Tuesday. Everyone at work seems to hate being there. And it's not just i suppose that its at sg's but that they're all collectively groaning over wanting to do and be and go otherly- Y was like, i find tues and wed the most difficult. I can't decide if it would be annoying or inpsiring if someone there actually enjoyed working there and didn't just merely tolerate it.

Besides the weekend was spent in a haze. i felt mildly poisoned on sunday and overspent the minute i tried the word budget- i think the trick is to not say the word... ok i suppose that's it. I've just become a clockwatcher- and i hate that- how long before work, how long until classes, how long until bed, rinse repeat...

From the saltmines,
xo,m

penpopsicle,

so maybe don't mass consume 2 blogs on korea while watching the office and try to go to bed at 11. it will have your mind racing over the waters and in the classroom for at least an hour and a 1/2.+. in addition to some pesky prayer council emails. i feel like i've been vomiting words since last week on that front with low returns. it doesn't necessarily mean, i know, that i shouldn't have written the 1000 missives. but there is a lingering sense of futility. we have to find new blood. and i've gotten 3 nominations so far. we have to come up with application and interview questions too. there's questions about whether an email address should be registered to 1 person or 4+. there's questions about whether or not people start panicking when they receive everyones prayer requests aka how does one person intercede about it all? they guiltily delete the emails and feel like a crappy person. that's how. but maybe that's me. i don't think it is. but still. another small battle to fight. along with passive emails trying to usurp authority. and another not communicating at all. and meetings and going here and there. i'd honestly rather pack. even if its not my stuff.

well anyway, back to korea, which is another thing i'm waiting around about in between charging lattes as my only (insane) indulgence. i know i should stop. i'll stop. i swear. and also imagining myself trying to communicate with 4yr old korean kids who don't know a word of english. hmm. teaching? note to self: get books on teaching kids... wait i'm going over to do what? it's not just a prolonged vaykay? on the face of such anticipation it's hard not to check out of the life i'm living. that promise to start painting is lying mid-brushstroke, the quilt is close... so frickin close. why not finish up the loose ends and pack up everything right now? oh nevermind i can't even afford my car payment... and let's not get started on netflix. which i must decide about by saturday. i'm sure i care about my lattes more right? besides they were part of the sleepless ill feeling during the day of having watched a sad korean drama about an old woman and her effed up grandso the night before- it doesn't go well for either of them... which led to a completely scandalous period drama where no one was actually a stick redeemable. except for the kid who just wanted to find work shining boots. in the end i can only hope he found a better life outside the book. the whole thing left me feeling dirty.

meanwhile i'm staring at a note that says "go walk". definitely part of my problem. and the eggs are gathering dew waiting to be broken. so i'll go.

m.

Pen,

In a couple hours I can call in to see if I have to serve jury duty. Since the last 2 debacles I’ve wizened up and put a recurring alarm feature on my phone just in case, lets say that its not until Wednesday I get called in. Oh and of course I’ve decided to keep the shoes. I mean when I slipped that shoe on and it formed to my foot perfectly- it was like Cinderella and the slipper. Lights went off in my head. It was a complete Cheshire grin moment as I stroked the leather and smelled its awesome shoeness. Oh and speaking of Marley came in with a mouse, one that mom has been complaining about eating her birdseed. But these field mice are so frickin cute. Whatever, it was too late for this one, and I suppose diet variance for cats is good but I stopped short of him eating it on my couchchair and mom picked him up like he was covered in blood and carried him outside- it was a picture worthy moment- Marley unstruggling, arms and paws extended and body hanging down, mouse clamped in jaws with tail trailing, but I had THE shoes on so I was paralyzed and could only laugh.

Anyway, LL paid me the rest of my commission on the necklaces so that should cover it and besides paying my bills and buying supplies this is the one splurge out of that money- and budgetwise that seems fair? Reasonable maybe? I’ll save up for the wii. Because I should have one. Though my wrist is already sore from some especially vigorous wii tennis at lunch. I timed my departure to the game table after the two AP’s had left for their lunch so that they couldn’t watch to see when I left/returned. I already went beyond and above my own sense of condescending to my one AP’s freakoutfactor by arriving at work at exactly 930. It does however provoke my stealth mode. I’m a bit lazy about it but I will make it a game for the next 3 wks to be as little detected in my comings and goings as possible. I fall short of complete commitment though because pretending to research the sl/nk/t takes actual work verses just watching vmars and having a window open that makes it look like I’m researching something.

Also I know that technically my already skint PA work has run dry as the EP had wanted to kick me over to the other show but having confirmed the fact that my AP hates me when she didn’t go to bat for me for returning to the show post seattle, they hired another PA to do my job in the meantime... Which is fine. (The commute issss treacherous. Though the books on cd have been enjoyable.) So theres not much to research anyway and am just waiting for tape deliveries that only occur every other day. But otherwise it’s looking in the tv reflection to see if anyone is spying on me. Making sure no one can surprise me to the left, since the right is covered. Having the pretend work screen and x,ing off the days with the black sharpie. It’s like I’m a deadmanwalking. I mean that’s it really. That’s what it comes down to. That’s the feeling I’ve been having all day. Dead in the water and just waiting for the inevitable. And the EP keeping me on because? … she must have a soul… or feel bad or something. But my only tasks given by the new AP were more on superskrs and that blanket thing… and otherwise. Uh…. She did point out yesterday I wasn’t even on the contact sheet. So I feel the love there.

Alright, so besides that and my 2/1 jamba juice coupons, and the shoes… I mean who knows what else is going on- waiting for my nails to grow out. A meeting tonight… and timing how fast I can clear off my desk.

m.

This is a mid-september review Pen-

I was expressing jubilation i think for Cathy. She might have been leaving work the same time I was leaving work... we thought it was a pretty profound corollary. This was jubilation for you right? I don't remember but I think so. I mean you're moving to a place where I'll soon get to visit you. It's pretty amazing.
And this is where I start deconstructing time...
And this is where Rachel and I take advantage of the office breaks like free pacman/galactica and wii tennis. i play a character named cheeves. He's very good at bowling. I'm making him better at Tennis when he's not looking.
This is the courtyard party i ditched to go that holyspirit ministering to you service. Rachel had to leave early to see the end of whitecollar so you know free booze and the promise of bob performing wasn't enough to outweigh Jesus.
Here I am attempting to smell the flowers... I pause to contemplate the shape of the petals. You see i'm on the brink of revelation. And here is that marine layer i'm driving into in the morning. And here I am late night Monday after visiting anaheimvin/yrd.Of course the next day I wasn't exactly chipper to be there but I confess the lighting was great. And this pretty much describes the rest of it. . .

Dear you,

Granted you've violated my sensibilities but i seem to be surrounded by peekers and cheaters! Though i tend not to read books that are overly sentimental puddles of goo and usually do not need to be wary of being tricked into a meltdown. I avoid pink covers and anything called chicklit also and cannot get too close to most of any Obookclub stuff due to forced popularity. For instance the audio book i just finished (totally need more by the way) had something like 5 or 6 deaths with varying degrees of skeletons, murder and old age but none really induced upset. Except for one, which just seemed unfair but it was just one thing among many. Thats the trick i think. You do have to know what you're in for or be willing to let the book take you where it wants and read as little about it as possible so that it can do just that. Part of the fun of reading is the surprise. I don't want to anticipate a word or sentence or plot twist. I want it to just be. You're robbing the author of what they're suppose to be good at. Leading you out into nothing and creating something wonderful. I cannot agree that its good in anyway to peek at the end of the book. It shows a profound lack of trust but then apparently with good reason it sounds like. So i don't know. I mean especially if one is looking at a romantic comedy and one of the main characters goes and dies on you. That sounds especially ridiculous and would only be valid if it was a cut to old age scenario. The end of SixFtUnder had me weeping- expressing a profound grief for aging, mortality and life and love and all the rest. I can't say I've found much else that upsetting except when Phil that crabfisherman dies. I was a mess. But in both scenarios I knew I was going into something with that express end. Certainly they weren't billed as anything other than what I got- though in both I thought much better delivered than I could've imagined. A letter writing campaign to the marketing dept of said book could be an outlet. I mean I would be enraged. well or eyetwitching. you know- something.

One of my favorite psalms- well its a standard really. Is Psalms 23. And there's a part where it says, "And yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." It occurred to me recently that its not just in a specific moment of being in a valley or trial, but its everyday the Lord is with you... and everyday you may face the inevitable curse of man. It's the tragedy of life. But do we need to address it everyday? I don't know. Definitely not in romantic comedies where only pratfalls and silly but blissful encounters occur, with witty banter I hope and exotic travel. Though in avoiding it does it stigmatize it more- should we let ourselves be carried away to tears and sadness oncenawhile. Is it healthy to sidestep when catharsis might be better? Death DOES come for us all. Such meditations don't really cause me to relinquish my life or spend it regretting, or in a grey wearing daze filled with ennui- as the LORD is with me. Maybe addressing pain and the inevitable would be a better measure then suddenly and without warning? But just as a meditation, not as a morbid obsession or a shutting out of it but just a, ah, yes- i see that and in light of it, must walk in a different way-- those shining days of wonder and magic kind of ways...

Well anyway there's also just enough emotional investment in a day to not have it elsewhere, especially in what you're watching. I've been anti-dramas for a while now, just because I don't want to go there. I don't need to. But I let one sneak up on me everynow and then.

Allright, enough ruminating really. My lips are chapped. Its freezing in here. And its uppose to be 105+ in the valley today. Oh excessive heatwarnings shmornings. I've logged some eerchay leading videos, am 1/2 way thru james/peach, currently hungry and craving... a fruit smoothie. Appropriately. Have not dealt w/ the edd or juryduty summons yet and am about to do research on this watchmaker guy for the thing i'm doing now/farmtown/burndvds.

If i die after having sent the fed ex and before dinner i can't say it will make a good end to my story. But maybe, if spun correctly, as life had just been upon my lips, it will be better read.

m.

Good morning,

So I did actually manage to get the massage. Though we were there till 5. If the producer hadn't been there the AP and i for sure would've taken off by 2. But they were waiting for some dvds and they didn't finish until just then and then it was bye bye office, props to them for actually waiting till 5 with me so i could get them into fed ex... After my new found freedom, I thought about going to see my friend Ivy first but she was in a movie and that gave me cartblanche to be as late as i needed. But first my favorite quote yet from the Sagittarius, "My cat Sauce is in a can." "I didn't want to leave her in the car while i went drinking. It just didn't seem right. So i'm picking her up tomorrow. She's going to join my Rottweiler. He's in a paint can... on a shelf. You know. With like an angel on top and a message saying, one day."

All right.
Enter the thai massage place. I can't say I get the best vibe from this place but it was on a recommend and the woman totally knew what she was doing. And I prayed a healing prayer over us anyway. I could feel her hitting all the familiar points chiros and acu's do as she muttered small words like "tight" and "tell me too much". And all i did was murmor and sigh my assent and marvel at the healing arts. My shoulder has been messed up and kinked for at least 2 months from some night spasm i had the nerve to sleep through. I think it threw something out of place. And it was interesting that on some points she'd be touching points on my lf. back and my rt. knee would start to hurt a little bit. So that I felt I could trace the origins of all my feet and knee troubles. Oh mysterious pathways of the body! Also I was so impatient for her to just get on my back and step on me already. I felt i needed some mushing and kneading seriously. But then patience, patience, patience as she loosened up and aligned everything and cracked my toes and fingers and then she stepped on my back, deliberately adjusting a certain part of my spine, and hitting points I can't say any massage place has ever hit before, especially my IT band as i think she was using her feet to massage along it, and really worked to open up my hamstrings and calves. She was amazingly thorough. Anyway best $40 ever. Is all I'm saying. And in summing I can say it felt more medicinal than luxuriating, but was just what i needed.

So then sometime by 730 I refused Ivys request to bring wine over or rum or anything of the kind as I would've fallen asleep and I'm not the wine buyer. it felt only slightly awkward but I was like eh, no. And the porkchops were delicious, and I brought a salad with a sadly mediocre dressing. At about an hour in I'd run out of questions and it was the first time she actually thought to ask, oh, so how's the new job. (with no followup questions) You'd think after knowing someone for more than 18 years you'd be ok with silence but i've grown impatient and she's grown acutely internal. And I feel her far from me and mostly absent and I can only think, is it time to leave yet? And she throws things out there like I've had relationships with 15 people since... x. That demand follow up but then I see her on an island and we're too far to be shouting. Messages in a bottle might be better. This is the downside of crablike people dwelling for much too long in caves. But then it gives one license to be poetic. Maybe i will begin to send her postcards. And then it won't matter about the Truth of her days, or the accumulated small actions that lead to experience and story. It will just be a shared life of feeling bobbing thru the currents. But you know how much i love story- especially of one being built together. . .

Meanwhile another guy came out to use the bbq in this tiny village like complex and began cleavering a whole chicken with a giant blade- thwak thwak thwak. And her kid intermittently pretending to be a cat and then later a horse as she kicked up her feet at us in the dirt, and then went inside and closed the door. Nevermind later inside, there was no place to sit due to the clutter and chaos, which she acknowledges needs to change. but anyway an 1.half in and i was done.

And almost tearful when a friend called just a 1/2 hour after this, to complain about losing $20 and then the cop giving her a ticket for momentarily stopping in the redzone to look for said $20. But nevermind, she talks him out of giving her the ticket, and so he gives her a no fee fixit ticket instead but somehow this has ruined her night. But i couldn't identify. I didn't have any words left. They were all stacked up and I saw in light of Ivy a profound other sort of blessing and couldn't abide it being a bad thing, this fix it ticket or even the loss of $20. But anyway it was a sign, yet another, of being in need of a nap. But I've caught up on sleep and you know its that feeling of being filled up and taxed and having nothing left for anyone.

We'll see about today.
M.
(oh and pictures obviously. forthcoming)

Pentilion

Hello, and good afternoon.


I'm here at the workspace again. Tis strange. I need to bring back some of the little decorations besides my post-it notes but shifting gears wasn't that hard. It's still a fairly pickled up move to lay us off for a week and rehire us. But this gig which will be all about elfsay ademay illionaremays should last me right into my trip to seattle. Which is officially happening and i will now not have to worry about - you know. And agh! ($). Sometimes you do have to leap first and ask questions later. And rely on the generosity of friends who don't mind if you trade plane tickets for art pieces. (My godsend patrons).


There's another producer in the mix besides my EP and AP who are Virgos. (It does explain alot actually. Discussed over lunch). And she's very energetic/and medicated. A Sagittarius apparently and dates women who are too young for her. Within in an hour of meeting them an email was sent out and we were all going to lunch together. My first inclination was, am i really included? and then is there a way out of this? Having been skirting anonimity for a while already. But no. I found myself swept along with these women and on the way to an apparently epic pho noodle place. There were near hysterics when the place was closed but i noticed a sign and it was only tuesday that brought the departure of 'start a show get some pho'. (f-uh) or as i like to say -(f-oe). SO then back up to wilshire from olympic and we were eating sushi, talking about udon and drinking green iced tea btw mouthfuls of phili roll and a pile of ginger. And then I'm like yes, I'm a taurus/taurus rising/scorpio moon (jesus follower-which i actually did not say. shit. is what i muttered to myself as i have now seamlessly aligned myself with universalist-co-existers. whom are lovely people but still it seemed a betrayal.) as it wasn't directly pertinent to whether or not Geminis are dual personalitied and prone to occasional deception even if unintentional- but the Sag was not convinced at my appreciation or defense of them. It did become clear that the EP takes loyalty very seriously and won't facebook friend just anyone. Especially people who don't know their job or their work. So now i'm back, vaguely hungry and of course wondering on what have i said about myself and what might they be thinking about me. And why am i so cagey all of a sudden? I should've ordered miso too. They skimped on the salmon as it does not even compare to this place i went with D the other day.


Yesterday Sarah and i had thee most lovely vacation day. I have renewed my love for the 126 and for the simplicity of ventura. The beaches are substandard but sometimes you only need about 5ft with rocky sand and it'll do. The seals still roll by. An epic battalion of 41 pelicans. And a handful of dolphins. to be a truly lovely tableau as the fog finally burns off and the sea becomes a glittering beacon of all that is holy and good in the world. With good company, a book, and plenty of snacks. It was worth the extra 60miles roundtrip to avoid traffic and the canyons and it took me directly west of my house. You could see the world threatening to make the trip bad with spilled pickles everywhere and getting radar gunned by a cop but it all passed smoothly anyway. Even the consumption of too much dairy, a sunburn and a small case of hives and it was undiminished in its pleasantness.


And now here I am. My days booked again. My nights calendared. Going to fit in a massage and swimming, crafttime and friends and pass the summer.


ttyt.
m.

Pen.

hello,
so yesterday as i may have mentioned i cut the top of my pointer finger with an exacto knife while scraping away some edging for the necklaces. the sacrifices i make. i know. its now bonded together with new skin. which is a gross title for any product even if i love it.

this is the first day i'm not going anywhere and am going to quietly sit in my space and be. allegedly. and am not working out either. the crick in my shoulder, the foot thing. it's all too much right now. i probably shouldn't be having my breakfast quesadillas but they're just so tasty with the chicken, cilantro and pepperjack.

i had other thoughts besides the current state of my being, which is feeling fed, mostly content, and in need of a shower. and on their 3rd load of laundry. but like i said, rapids, high high rapids. who can even mark the passing of the days. i just now had my dad ask me to print out my resume for sam. dads friend. (its like 3 pages long and i dont care) i am always encouraged by these things- if it didn't occur to them already i need as much help as i get. i need rescuing. i need a man! or some sort of brilliant pro bono marketer. who just makes it their job to sell me as a product. otherwise i am sadly used and oft given to drowning. and through such thought filled actions i now have a queen sized sleigh bed ready to be quiltified except i dont have a mattress but whatever. one thing at a time. and my necklace project. what would i be doing for work if i didn't have that. i know not. 2 additions of cheek added to resume: seasoned traveler and expert organizer.

anyway its time for a new beverage and stage 2 of the day which includes netflix and more working with the hands instead of with the typing.

adieu friend,
m.

My Dear,

Things are a foot. This is when the rapids are getting a little rough. The exhilirating thrill of the start has given way to a constant push and paddling. What we want is some glassy water and overhanging vines so we can moor our rafts and get out and play. But we're afraid for now of being stuck upon a rock or worse yet overturning by a bad move. One that might've been avoidable or shown worse yet in short-sighted blunders. So we must paddle on. Paddle on.

Looking around it seems much the same. Tankard of iced tea. Experimenting with foodtrucks outside the building. A calculation of checks and balances. Sideways glances at the calendar as if I could figure out time. I am currently now eating a plum. Craving dark chocolate ice cream preferably with nuts. And in desire of headphones that work better than these.

It is hard to say how long this patch of rapids will last and if my sunscreen is holding. And was it a good choice to let those two be in the lead and if the books in the watertight bags will hold until i have time to get to them. And then there's the communications and the meetings and wondering if when we camp at night if the bear we saw the day before will stalk us while we sleep.

Mental note: to get rice krispies at first available opportunity.
Spiritual landscape: in a cleft of the mountain, avoiding the blizzard. Its warm enough if not a little cramped. I don't mind standing at the moment however.
Things to remember: hat, glasses, snacks, tasks, and other boats on the water. Saftey first.

Penolin,

happy friday. i made it... oh wait, its' only ... omg no its friday! it's really friday! what! week 2. down. how is that possible! lets just quietly ponder. slipping into a rhythm. becoming sick of breakfast food but knowing its essential to start the day. anticipating good traffic days. wearying of newsradio and finally getting the I.T guy to fix that etflixnay roblempay and upgrade your browser, to having a name plaque. oh and meeting the icecube guy. he has great flowing super curly red hair. he's totally nice. says hi to me even before i knew what i know now. and then when i saw him with the ice cubes and he's like, i haven't been able to keep up with demand. i added another tray but now they're taking longer to freeze- it was almost exactly like meeting your kindred spirit. amazing. made my day. and that monkey from clockwatchers that toni's character accuses parkers character of taking but she didn't was yes just waiting for me at my desk. i think it was my AP's. so she gets points. and on a sidenote we have random wall posters everywhere advertising the awesomeness of us. so the mysterious one that you want to know about is that pic of that opaypay ingersay we all love to watch. right now i'm burning cd's for possible soundtrack potential. from the fficeopay soundtrack to the aterwayboy soundtracks. you've got to just love a good soundtrack. we need like a list of best soundtracks. which as i type it i'm sure exists somewhere. people who i credit with infusing me with good music is steve via danica, and scott. i love a good music infusion also and you can't get that on the internet but only on random mix cds and friends who own, for instance, an entire cache of opera, or strange bands called the lackbay eyskay...

also yesterday i made it to swimming. and it was one of those blissful, no one there, the lanes quiet sort of moments and i thought to myself i need to try to bring my mind to a peaceful place like how quiet and lovely it is here, and then sometime around length 20 some 8 guys all barged into the pool area. and the 5 that could come into the lanes all began to swim furiously. boys! honestly! so annoying. and the water churned and hit the sides from the wakes they were creating and i tossed now, suddenly at sea, amped up my usual pace and got out of there as fast as i could. lest i get sucked under. all the while exclaiming in my head, uhhumph! boys!

which brings me to my cousin who was like talking on the phone for 2+hours in my room, which i know all the things he said, it was like, 'i could be saying to you right now, so just listen', and i get that, bcs i'm sure i've done it before to people, as i've chattered on in whatever self-absorbed convo i've been in. sorry mom. but still. it included making sure his exGF didN't know about the funeral, telling his dads bestman that his dad had died, and talking to his mom (my aunt/remarried) about arrangements. and i can only roll my eyes and do very little rebuttal. it's like tie my hands why don't you. anyway he gave me a hard time for not wanting to come to his dads funeral. (whom i didn't know). and sort of implied that he'd spend the day giving me a hard time if i wasn't there. (which might be good distraction for him) and that i should come around. its sort of like what he was doing in my room. wanting me to be there but not engaging with me. which i also get, but mom and i don't particularly like being props unless we're useful. and it is hard to tell him i view the entire family as a din of evil. or secretly in addition i am a classist snob who cannot take a room full of mechanics, h*rley riders, and ill-educated nerdowells. or that i would be the old school person who hired mourners to wail for me, though perhaps i might write a poem.

and if this girl doesn't attend holidays it's questionable if she attends funerals. i'm still debating in my mind whether or not to go to my grandparents funerals and they haven't even died yet. or if i went to one, does that mean i can get out of going to the other? or not going will that just cut me out of the will? or do they get that i love them but patently disagree with how they live their lives? which has caused an irreparable rift only able to mend by the work of God himself? so its not out of the question. just impossible right now. i have boundaries. and theyre tall and wide. and its not like jesus is the common ground. i take much more seriously the admonition that i should get along with that community much more than the tie that allegedly binds. and all of this is a lot to confront at a funeral of someone you don't know, for a cousin who doesn't really plan on leaning on you. is all i'm saying.

alright i totally need to hit send now.
the day is 1/2 folded over.
m.