Oh My Pen,

This part of me has atrophed. I am buckling in hour 6. Food wasn't adequate, snacks are gone, that should get me through to the end, but none of it is staving off that slumped over my desk, blurry eyed feeling. The very hum and drone of the a/c is working against me. The soft glow of artful lighting, and no real access to the outside is driving me to hibernate. I'm sure I go through this everytime. A long time ago. In a land faraway kind of everytime. Nothing to do as settled in as I wait for badges and signatures and tapes to be dubbed. I cleaned my desk with soap and sponge in the first 30minutes. Went downstairs to get my cup out of my car as they don't supply them... ah memories. My lips are chapped, and no chapstick in the bag. It's like having gone to cenam without a spanish language dictionary. Which i did. But you think i would've learned by now. I taped my foot in the first hour. Having already made several blocks walks and up and down elevators- sad little heel. And still i haven't figured out when to fit in yoga. I sort of doubt my level of consciousness come 6pm. But maybe? Maybe by wednesday. I wonder also about my work hours.

But here I go.
i'm going to go get water.
try not to think of too much else.
water water water

Penstrings,

So yesterday I went to Szu-Hua's concert downtown. I have no idea who katvon d (she was hosting it), why her voice is so deep and was distracted by her sparkly gold 4inch stilettos...is, but i loved listening to the music. It was one of those things where the price was right and the adventure seemed on par with me. I didn't tell anyone, invite anyone else for the secret fear that if i were given a minute more to think about it I wouldn't go. Even up to the last hours I was fairly convinced I didn't need to go despite that I bought the ticket and told her i was coming. But anyway I took the train and even switched cars when someone got too loud or obnoxious for me to bear. (It was this girl on the way back posturing about her own kind don't like her, and she's ready to stab people. riiiight.) This is the only time i really long for my ipod to be working. Anyway- The classical music took me to all sorts of lovely visual places. The last piece seemed to me a vivid cream yellow, though it was entitled 'rain'. And at one point a red dragon flew me into a clump of trees and left me there while the world started dripping red and yellow swirly paint around me. There was a piece called 'gluttony' that was really my auditory favorite. And which I lack the skills to describe.

The only thing I was combating while i was there, was the sinking realization that this temp job i had agreed to interview was thee worst possible thing for me. It was like, at the time i swallowed the pill not realizing its disastrous effects until it was already traveling down my esophagus. The temp woman who wants me to retool my resume, offered me an interview with a 3month assignment- pretty nice of her, considering the competitive field of even temp offices. Until I crunched the #'s and the horrific realization that I make as much on unemployment, and it would be for something I'm not remotely interested in. And an equal realization i need to be way more grateful if my 3rd ext. comes through. And i wont know that until next week. But anyway faced up against that, I'll take anything, do anything- suddenly seemed really wrong. Like I was trying to walk away from a place that God deliberately had me in. And that to walk away just to walk away seemed flawed if not perilously ridiculous. Though I'm sure it would've been fine either way. I was bound up with anxiety in between beautiful strains of stringed instruments, though I think one of the pieces was geared for that- the need to deep breathe. So anyway I called her at 830 which was as long as I can wait, in between the sinking feeling that i was getting a cold, but I'll continue to blame allergies, and she was perfectly nice about it as I rattled on about needing to get ready and blahblahblah, its not right, yadda, yadda, inner voice, screeching No! in the dark all night, etc,etc,etc.

m.