over-achieving biznatches.

Friend Danica said to me over tea, "If anything is worth doing, it's worth doing poorly." Which is what I must tell myself and my 65.5 test score. However, I find myself sitting next to 3 over achievers. I said to a particularly uptight one, once we found out she got an A++, (I'm not kidding) was, "As if there was any doubt!" She gave me the side glance eye roll, mouth slightly agape. Ladies you know what I mean. It's an extremely snark-attitude-bitch laden manuever. I said, "because, hello she's a good student!" Perhaps there was too much of an edge in my voice, or I was making my point badly, and rephrasing made it worse, but somehow someway I made it sound insulting. Possibly even hate filled. What the fuckever overachiever. My friend-overachiever was down cast at her 85.5. "See," she said, "I didn't get an A." Yah, fuckin' tragic. Thuogh I secretly take glee in the fact I am much better at vocabulary without even trying! The weird-overachiever to my left got a 94.5. She at least said, "Well I took 3 years of French in HighSchool. The grammer is hard." It sure the fuck is, and not studying or procrastinating makes it worse. If you are not this person you will not relate automatically. Because in your mind, if I studied, didn't procrastinate, made my flashcards, got 3 tutors, that somehow grammatical phrasing and those wacky terms would magically make sense, not unlike Algebra, you might tell me that it's a formula to be applied, and then I would have no problem with pasttense agreement. I can only explain it in these terms: If you're not musical, try picking up a piece of sheet music and explaining what all the archs, dots, filled, unfilled, zeros, slashes and gashes mean even if you've never seen them. And applying it precisely without practice to a song you've never heard before. I say, though I know,not many understand, is that though I have a Masters in Writing does not mean I'm good at grammer or that I have to be. Is all I'm saying. Sure I went through most of my BA w/ honors, feeling like a fraud, but this is how my brain works. I learn by ear. Like some musicians learn by ear. They can hear it and reproduce it. And I don't know how to explain this to them or to my awesome and amusing overachiever teacher who knows farsi, armenian, english, french, and a little italian and spanish- that I will not understand it the way they teach it or think I should know it. Trying to communicate this is frustrating. And I suppose my belief in this knowing of me is the only reason I can eventually push off the feeling of failure, and know that eventually I will know it better, appreciate the sound and the music of the language more than the overachieving biznatches will. Because when they say, yah, I know French. Yes fluently. They will blink, possibly say a phrase and go on their grey and black, severe hair do wearing way. And when I say, yah I know french, it's beautiful and unweildy and immensly colorful- and I'm going to keep persuing it no matter how elusive its embrace-- And that is what I will keep telling myself, thank you very much-- and not feel stupider or smarter for it, but me, in all my glorious imperfections.