the heckler

Jan/Feb suckitude, Part 3.

I'd like to expand on last post's item number 7, which was:
Worried, once again, too much about what I'm Supposed to Be Doing as opposed to what I Feel Comfortable Doing. I don't even know where the Supposed to Be Doing voice is coming from? I'm clearly making it up in my own head, and it's a snotty little twit who speaks, tells me how I'm doing everything wrong, allocating my time improperly, constantly unproductive, not living up to some lofty expectation of Good Mother or Good Wife, when really I just need to be Good Penelope.

The Supposed to be Doing voice has possibly been with me my whole life, but I do know that it got a whole lot louder and peskier when I became a parent. Because all of a sudden you're like, responsible for how another human being turns out, and as with any action in life, there are just so many choices, so many different directions to go, and with children, you're not going to know the result of those choices for years. It can be absolutely overwhelming, the possibility factor, paralyzing if you let it.

But I want to clarify that the Supposed to be Doing voice is a different animal than the Do the Right Thing voice. The Do the Right Thing voice is your conscience at work, and completely necessary to keep us all in check, keep our society functioning on some peaceable level, etc. Hopefully the Do the Right Thing voice never gets too quiet.

The Supposed to be Doing voice, on the other hand, makes you feel scattered and lacking confidence. It's an oily creature, borne from sources like advertising, the media in general, and the people you talk to on an everyday basis. I'm not saying these things need to be avoided--clearly they are such an integral part of lives, and as far as the media and the people in your life, they can be totally positive, important, and enriching forces. But when you're not naturally inclined to feel confident with yourself and your choices, when it takes some conscious effort to just be whoever it is that you are and be okay with that? It is very easy to let the Supposed to be Doing voice come into your head and completely take over.

I find the Supposed to be Doing voice unnerving, bossy, and downright suffocating. The voice is a bitch, and even worse, it is entirely my own creation. By far the worst quality of the Supposed to be Doing voice, however, is that it doesn't like who I am.

It's just kind of hard to even be alive, sometimes? So I wonder why we spend so much energy making it harder by letting the inner critic come in and take us over, sometimes even letting it steamroll us down. I've been speaking in general terms for most of this post, but truly, when it comes to parenting especially, isn't it so important for us to be ourselves with our kids? To run the day according to what feels comfortable to us, rather than listening to some irritating little heckler that's planted itself in our minds, telling us to do this or that differently? It doesn't seem like a very good model anyway, being a parent who doubts his or her choices. And also, living with the heckler, the Supposed to be Doing voice, puts me in such a bad mood. Which, incidentally, led me to item number 1 on that list, i.e.:
Forgot how to enjoy K.Lo. I mean, K.Lo always amuses and entertains, one way or another, on a daily basis. But with sleep issues and the Terrible Twos, and whatnot, I found myself way more annoyed than I liked or needed to be, and on a regular basis. Which made me feel even more unhinged, which she (of course) responded poorly to... vicious cycle. It got the better of me.

The Supposed to be Doing voice is bad for EVERYONE. Must purchase packing tape from Costco and administer immediately.