who me

though penelope is in transitional hell at the moment, there is a primary reason why she's my BFF. i never made her take a blood oath and i sort of donned the title on her without asking. i just recklessly carried her away in my heart one day as the interpreter of a world not at all like my own... she is my inner imagined other.

this buzzing in my ear was bothering me, so i took pains to write it down. note how it sounded and asked her to translate it for me. i said, why penelope, does this bother me so? what is it that makes me bugged, annoyed and waspish. she said, "well the condition you're describing is sincerity." i said, is that what makes me sickish and scrunch up my nose. slightly ill and tilting toward the exit? "yes," she said. but why i want to know! i wonder if it's because sincerity lacks selfawarness? i went to the internet for answers but just came up with opposite words like cynical and psychopath. and when i look at definitions i tend toward sincerity but do i express myself as such. why would honest expressions like "I love you. I'm sorry. Feel Better. I hope you get thru this difficult time." make my blood curl when read without context. It's like all those people in a room hearing something that is suppose to be moving, and going awwww that's so .... and i turn and look around and think are you kidding me?! but really the more apt word is Sentimentality. or perhaps such words become cliched and hallowed so i can't help but read them with that dead language wideeyed stare that a word, words- so widely used are stamped out of meaning- which is why showing not telling is always a better way to begin a story. but maybe it's that thing in the south- where people seem genuinely concerned for your well-being that i don't recognize it as true being where i am. ... or maybe why snark and sarcasm are more comfortable places to be for me. either way, i know, it is something i don't understand.