Things, M

Things that have made me cry at work, when in fact i am usually an emotionless robot:

Li@n being killed by hunters in Africa.
D@lphins being slaughtered in a closed bay in Japan.
Eleph@nts dying in pain bcs they're kept in cramped zoos with no yard space and developing behaviors that are them going crazy.
E@gle kept in a closet, and didn't know how to fly, although he was rescued and rehabilitated.
Cheet@h trying to save a baby chimp, but the baby dies.

Oh so, to answer Kudzu's question: I'm working on this new NinmalAy LanetPay show and we're going to be putting together some amazing footage of close calls, harrowing rescues and man thrashings. Basically youtube anything with @nimal @ttacks, or @mazing video and there's a chance we're trying to hunt down the owner of the video and get an interview to find out what happened. For 3 wks work has been slow except for a steady pace of plodding thru and today i got an additional assignment of researching for the writers- so i'm psyched. But still, that's when i ran across the lephantEay articles and with my zoo visit fresh in my mind... I was like wahhhh, set the lephantEays free. And bcs of the LaZo@ our tax money is $40million in the hole just to be able to say we have @lephants, when they could be wandering in a sanctuary- is sort of infuriating. Usually I stay away from anything remotely sad but then suddenly you know its @himpanzee's in cages, and @nimal testing and its all i can do to not be totally bummed out. This gig will last till July and as with them all I hope it'll go somewhere but you know how it goes. And meanwhile, all sorts of grrr is brewing bcs of these poor animals and by association humans and I'm suddenly wanting to boycott things like the @lympics and zo0s and japan (of course) but I don't know what to do with my new found refreshed sense of outrage.

some weird (and sometimes bad) things about me

1. I steal food from K.Lo. Pretzels, in particular, like the poor kid needs her snack stolen by The Prego Vulture. Worse, though, is that I feel very little shame. I justify the stealing with: the other baby needs food, too! I'm feeding both my babies, so. And I do always give K.Lo more pretzels, if she still seems hungry.

2. I can tell just by listening how to fill the container. As in, I don't really need to look when filling a glass with water to make sure it doesn't overflow, and I almost always fill the measuring cup to the needed amount without checking. I do check, just to be sure, but yesterday, for instance, I filled the container with milk to exactly 2/3 cup : Look ma, no eyes!

3. I've had Marie Antoinette out from Netflix for 3 weeks. This is about a week past my Watch It or Lose It Limit for movies; if I haven't watched it by 2 weeks, clearly I am not in the mood, I can rent it later, and in the meantime will get something else. But lately, I kind of haven't been in the mood for movies, period. I've been reading books. It's weird.

4. I find myself overthinking my responses in conversation, which of course makes me feel more awkward. Like, would I really say that? I seem to know exactly who I am on paper, i.e. my writing voice is my true voice, in all its many colors. But not in person, so much, at least when I think too hard about it. I guess it's like anything else: don't think, just do.

I guess when I write, I have time to think about what I'm going to say, and how I want to say it, whereas in person, I'm on the spot. I rarely do good with on the spot. And then, with writing, someone can read it and you might never know (and therefore never care) what they think. Whereas, when you're trying to make friends, how you are perceived and received is so much more tangible, immediate, and you might care more what they think. In a lot of ways, you can't care, because you'll drive yourself crazy trying to please everyone. But in other ways, it's impossible not to care unless you have skin made of steel. On some days, my skin is made of paper. On worse days, it's like I'm standing in the rain.

5. Every evening after running the dogs and letting them back in for a drink, I send Bender back outside. Bailey can go out or stay in, whatever she wants, but Bender has to go back out. It's the way she pants and gasps and sputters, I can't stand it. I feel like it's kinder to just make her stay outside for a little bit until she calms down, rather than having her stay inside, soaking the floors, and inspiring violent feelings. Plus, she does love it outside. Was that one justification too many? Okay--done.

The (Average) 5: by M

1. I use words that I can't define, but most always use them accurately. For instance on this camping trip I was mercilessly questioned on two words: untoward exuberance and intrepid explorer... in my head i must know what they mean, but when it comes to saying, well it means... i draw a blank space... it's like trying to explain what the and and means... or I... somewhat obvious yet ethereal. So I came home like the elephant I am and looked them up just to validate my ego. Naturally.

2 . I may have talked about this one before but I drop H's at the beginnings of words like "human" and "herb" and i guuuueeessss a few others... I 'ad no idea until June of 2004. I was on a plane bound for NewYork from Istanbul and Peki glances over at me and says- "Say the word "human" again. 'uman. Following 2 years later, my merciless friends Joanna, Danica and Steve feel they can mock me whenever they want about it... though i'm usually quite oblivious, only until after when they all laugh about it. Perhaps I'm english at 'eart. Though bcs I'm an obsessive self-analyzer I think it would be cool to go to a speech historian or something and figure out where i got all my wild colloquialisms. H's or not.

3. I have size 13 feet. I'm sure I've complained about it before and how much it sucks and how I can't find shoes my size unless they're made for drag queens or wisped giants who need no arch support... yes, it indeed blows.

4. I need to own the books I read. I am still scarred by not being able to locate or remember or possess books that I remember from when I was in Junior High... certain fragments and images and nothing to fix them. It's horrible. I look at titles on my shelves and I smile or ponder each one... and it makes me happy to know they're mine and that I can look at them anytime i want.

5. Also I'm bossy and a bit of a whiner, but besides that my most famous reoccuring dreams usually involved alligator enclosures and it is dark and murky and i do not know where they are and the walls are very high and there does not seem to be a way out. . . thank god i haven't had that one in a while... lately it involves escaping a mansion that's on fire and escaping over a maze of hedges bcs someone is chasing me....

i love talking about me... mmm. kurt, q? could you? tag... you're... it? oh and danica... if you're up for it. (mwah.) and sarah and kara.

M OUT~

the sound of... whatever's on mtv

"Until more research is done about the effects of TV on very young children, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) does not recommend television for children age 2 or younger."

For more on this, and other reasons to feel bad about yourself, please see here.

As K.Lo becomes more aware, I have tried (I have) to cut back on my TV viewing. I've taken audiobooks out of the library, I've started listening to more music, I read. But I have to say... after weeks and months of this, I still feel like something's missing. It's like, too quiet around here. Even when I read, I kind of like the TV on in the background, just because. And the audiobook thing is cool and all, particularly when it comes to Harry Potter, and it's great for escaping into a story while accomplishing something. A craft, or cleaning, or whatever. But for the most part, if the TV's not in the background, even if I'm in another room, I kind of feel like... depressed.

This all started in college. I watched TV when growing up, sure. I watched The Cosby's and Seinfeld, and 90210, and way before all that I watched Electric Company, Sesame Street, and 3-2-1 Contact. I watched Pee-Wee's Playhouse and Saturday morning cartoons. (After these messages...We'll be right back.) Whenever I could get away with it, I watched Nickelodeon and the show with the slime--You Can't Do That On Television. But I also did lots of other things. I checked out stacks of books from the library and plowed through them all. I played kickball and pickle and caught frogs in the pond. I think I was your pretty average kid, and I don't feel like TV took away from the "enriching" experience that childhood is supposedly supposed to be. If anything, it added to it.

My first two years of college, I had about the weirdest fucking roommates I could have been paired with. The first girl owned tight Lee jeans in every color of the rainbow, called me THe Yankee, and changed her voicemail all the time to different versions of, "I'm out huntin' men." The second girl was a Bible Beater (I mean like, the bad kind) who sang opera and wore old lady perfume. It was lose-lose until I met my third roommate, who actually became a good friend and stayed as my roommate through senior year.

But I'd still get lonely. My college was huge, and I've always had trouble connecting with people, being socially retarded and all of that. That's just me. So the TV is like, there. I don't know why, just having it on kind of soothes that gnawing edge of silence, the edge that makes you think just a little too much. The part of silence that makes you feel sorry for yourself. When I lived in Chicago, I ate dinner every night with The Golden Girls. When I was in grad school, Felicity got me through, man.

At this point, keeping the TV on is just habit, but a habit that, quite frankly, makes me feel better. Better than I have been, listening to the sound of refrigerator hum. It makes me feel more like me, just doing how I do, which puts me in a better mood for, guess who? K.Lo.

I think it's whatever makes you happy, whatever's you. It's just, me being naturally inclined toward guilt, I tend to internalize nasty little warnings like those above, issued by the freaking AAP, for cripes sake, and they eat at me. Like my kid's going to turn into a zoned out, unthinking couch potato if this continues. Sorry, but no. I think she'll be quite well-rounded, thank you. With a little luck, anyway. Now if only she'd eat her green beans.