The Wedding is OFF

dear guests and well-wishers of me, i regret to inform you that all my dreams are not coming true. that they are in fact being dashed upon the rocky shores of disillusion. further i will have to now ask for all the money back- i was going to give you, spend on you... like for socks and wall-paint, bcs i am now again in massive credit card debt and will not be able to pay it all off like I hoped. or go to nicaragua. people assure me that i may get another job and that it's probably better this way but we still have the inevitable fact that i no longer have a job and have to give the ring back and cancel all my to do lists. thank you all so much for your generosity and support... i'm sorry we had to go thru any of this. and if my ass-hole ex had been clearer in the beginning and not a two-faced liar i'm sure none of this wouldve happened to begin with. feel free to read an outline of the horrific and banal string of events that i'm sure will leave you horrifyingly confused. just as it did me.


The Job Description: We need an assistant whose going to be doing a whole bunch of different things. It's a made up position. We really had to fight the network on it because it doesn't fit into any of the usual production categories. You'll be helping us to write blogs, write letters, do photography of the final projects. Keep up promotional companies, maintain the production books, keep up with press...things that we would be doing but just don't have time. Are you okay with doing a whole bunch of different things? yes. I think that'll be fun and cool. I actually prefer to have a variety of activities. (on helping them) It's okay, i'm used to dealing with actors. - oh we're not that bad- you're not going to get us our coffee or anything. okay.(thank god i don't have to deal with actors.)

Week 1- They show up to work in their pajamas. We watch Judge Judy. We go for walks. Life is grand. They seem to be fun. I'm getting situated with everything. There's not much to do. They say something about adding people to my/space for promos. We go to Target and I watch them pick out make-up and facial cleansers. The first day I was late bcs of the license plate incident. I'm about 5 minutes late-2 of the 5 days. They say, we know there's not much to do but we want you to get acclimated and get comfortable with things so that when things start to get busy you'll know what's what.

Week 2- I write really good letters to promotional companies. I write really good blogs. I feel, yes, this is great. I love doing this. I am still reluctant to add people to my space. I still can't quite manage to get there on time- still 5-8 minutes late on 2 of the 5 days. Am i late for anything? No. When I get to work do I sit down and immediately get to a stack of papers I have to do? No. We go to Ikea and walk around looking at furniture but don't buy anything. They give me Friday off to add people to my space and do internet research and to write 3-4 blogs. Having the weekend I don't do it till Sunday.

Week 3- the art department coordinator also starts- I am no longer helping them to write projects. Their office is now down the hall. I now have even less to do. Jobs given to me are things like, print labels and get that sticky stuff off the notebooks. I am a half hour late bcs of the rain. (Oh, that's okay. NO PROBLEM, they say) They ask me to do a Staples run (I'm not a PA. I think, why am I doing runs?) There are too many people in line. I leave early the next day and go to staples. The meeting where the notebooks will be handed out and not used was suppose to start anywhere from 11-12. it starts without warning at 11:08. the notebooks aren't ready. But the other producer isn't there till 12. I hurry to finish labeling the notebooks so they can hurry up and not be used. I sit in the meeting for 2 hours doing nothing. They send me to do something. I think the meeting is over. I have lunch at 330. I start diligently adding people to MySPACE. Knowing that I haven't been doing enough of it. Horace becomes an asshole. I think something is up... yes, johann i did see this coming.

4:50pm Thursday: (the last 10minutes of MurderSheWrote) they ask to have a 'word' with me. I bring in one of the notebooks- so luckily i have a prop to put all my energy into. It's orange. The rag i was wiping it down with was white.

(Mimi speaking) Okay, we don't think it's working out. We'd like to see if we could move you to a different department. (keep in mind i know exactly what they can afford and which positions are available) of course, it wouldn't be up to us (you mean, you as the executive producers??) that would be jo's call but we think she likes you. we really like you, we really do. We think you're great. Like art department. We think you're so strong creatively that you'd be better there. (nods from horace) You're just not a good assistant. I mean it's bred in some people and it's not in you. (says horace.) So today is going to be your last day. I mean, we'll pay you through the week. (thanks) I mean I know we wanted someone creative but... (more nods from horace)

Here come the charges:
Mimi-You didn't bring a notebook to ikea. (horace is especially appauled at this) You actually at one point said, Mimi, i think you should write that down. (uh, if she didn't i wouldve, really.)

Horace-You brought a book to work and had it on the desk, I mean when I worked I would NEVER! *Gasp* (apparently they have no appreciation of Trollope.) I mean i don't know if you were, well whatever, but still. And you do WAY too much personal stuff on the computer.

Mimi- Yah to be honest I think you're doing it too much to- I mean I know I told you could have the Tv or radio on BUT...

Mimi- I mean there were other red flags: You didn't add people to MySPace until Sunday. I was WATCHING. And that's really important. I asked you if you had the internet research and you didn't (I say, I have it on my computer- no answer). And I asked you to write 4 blogs and you wrote three. (I say, you told me to write 3-4.) Yes but when i say 3-4 i mean SIX! and you did the BARE MINIMUM. (okay Stan) And you went to Staples in the morning and not that night. (I did go. but i had to go back)

Horace- Well what if the same things were still wrong. Then what?!

Mimi: And all we had you do was complete these notebooks and they weren't even ready on time. (i did spend quite a bit of time getting the sticky stuff off the binding) I mean such a simple task and you didn't even get that done- Why weren't they ready. And really the straw that broke the camel's back for me was the notebooks. I mean you left the meeting. I can't believe you didn't come back. I had to answer for that, when they said, where'd your assistant go? I mean, we're the TOP. We're thee EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS. Like, where did you go? We have so much going on in our minds, like, we need someone who has our back and is going to be there for us. And get us our waters and make sure we're getting stuff done. You probably don't even know when our column is due. It's really important and you probably don't even know when it's due (I look at her steadily and I say: the 30th) (Silence. Crickets. Yah, way to hang yourself on that one.) Well and anyway you're always LATE.

Horace: Yah, I mean 30 minutes. 30 minutes late. (oh that time when it freakishly rained in LA and i was in traffic for an hour? oh, yah i guess that's true.)

Mimi: I mean to be honest we love you. WE THINK you're great. But you actually may be just TOO SMART for this job. You probably are TOO SMART for this job. So do you think you'd be interested in going into art department?

Uh... but well, given how you think of me...
Mimi: well lateness. Jo won't put up with lateness. so you can't be late. and you say you won't be late but you've been constantly LATE. . . but either way you'll here from us. (horace: from one of us)

me: okay so can you just cut me my check then and i'll go.

OH_ and i almost forgot to tell you the most horrible part. I was about to turn and leave their living room where Mimi had been sitting on the couch and turning to face me over it, where horace was leaning- just hating me and not saying anything... and then she got up and made me hug her. That's the most upsetting thing. I mean I wrote it just now and I almost teared up and vomited bile into my mouth. Aw, Okay we still LOVE YOU. As she comes toward me with a sweet sad smile. And then of course bcs Mimi hugged me Horace was forced to... and it was like a shive in my kidneys. I walked down the hall and the check had already been cut and folded in a half very tightly- with a crease down the middle. I didn't make eyecontact as I took everything off my desk, forgetting my frozen dinner in the fridge. . .and walking up the fucking steps and being blown away and sad and laughing. like this is FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE> i mean what the fuck is it about me and my 'luck' that makes things like this fucking inevitable.

Here's the thing- thru this entire accolade of charges my mouth was hanging open and my eyes were wide. I was slightly aghast and ready to get very emotional. But mainly amazed. I said all the usual things, like communication problem? Why didn't they say something the first week? Wasn't there anything positive? They did admit that the first week was good, there was one or 2 days in the 2nd week that was positive and then of course the third week--To which they said, you're just not an assistant and we had to give it a trial period. To which I said, but you've basically given me all these secret tests to which I failed. Well if you were an assistant you wouldn't have failed. That's what they said. I shook my head and said, basically i was on this path and you were on this one- I didn't know you wanted a producer's assistant/executive assistant- that wasn't the job title. That wasn't in the description. To which they barely acknowledged that they could've mislead me as to their intentions or to my position. I said, you hired me to take pictures, write blogs... to which they said, BUT BUT BUT... And you're always LATE. I said, do you really want to try and find another position for me because you're so utterly displeased with me. I don't get it. Like if I'd known that's what the position... blah blah blah.

I go back through the days and to the exact pinpoint of every DAMNING INCIDENT and I think what would I have done differently? I guess I would've treated it all as "important" opposed to waiting for my actual job to begin. But the ultimate reality is that I wouldn't have taken the job. I don't apply for jobs like these precisely because of situations like these. I am not an ass-kisser. As Pen says, I don't play the game. I told them in the beginning that i was calm, and it didn't mean that I didn't care. That i was getting stuff done but i'm not frantic. I remember actually specifically saying this. I guess they weren't listening. SO back to the drawing board. I just have to think in the back of my mind that all of these traumas are leading to a bestseller or a breakdown. Like one of these days i'm just going to snap. How much I don't belong in that world or any job world for that matter and how much I really can't assimilate and how much the world is filled with people just like them_ who smile and laugh but inside are very very ugly. But here, let's hug. We still love you. And when you leave we're going to laugh and make caddy snide remarks- and roll your eyes and think oh my god, and she actually brought a book to work that one day. can you BUH-lieve that!