weeding, by pen

I know you all think I watch TV ALL the time, considering my pen’s picks posts for Fall Fare, among others. But it’s so not true. Because I’m pretty picky these days. My low-capacity DVR’s only at 30% for heaven’s sake. And, from the September list, here’s what’s already gotten the axe:

One Tree Hill. And that’s after several fairly devoted seasons! It was the Crazy Nanny plot that did me in.

Fringe. J.Lo likes it, but we still haven’t gotten the DVR set up right for it. He’ll have to catch up on Hulu, or something, and from there he’s on his own.

90210. I know! M will be so proud. They all but took out the snarky grandma whose house they live in, and while I enjoy some of the actors, and catching up with the old crew, I’m mostly bored. Where’s the edge. Why do the new kids fit in so damn well. Why are they so self-confident? It’s perplexing, and disappointing. Sure, sure, I admire their spunk, but where’s the fear and self-loathing that make up a good teen drama?

Worst Week. I don’t even think I mentioned it originally. It’s like Meet the Fockers, except it won’t ever end. Can’t handle the uncomfortable-ness week after week.

And then, from the October list, we’re barely into the month, and I have very low expectations for Kath & Kim, based on some pretty sad reviews.

I do however, love The Ex List, already, and of course the old standbys: HIMYM, Office, Survivor, Amazing Race. ANTM, ProRun, and Gossip Girl. Grey’s. Life!! It’s so good. And Earl has relocated its mojo. I’m teetering with Privileged as well as Top Design, but we’ll see. SNL has been pretty good, and I’m looking forward to the Thursday specials. But, you know. That’s about it for the shows. Oh, Two and a Half Men and NAOOChristine made the cut as well, but I wouldn’t lose any sleep if the DVR glitched during their time slot.

It’s a cutthroat world if you’re living in my DVR. Please discuss your own INs and OUTs in the comments!

your guide to OCTOBER fare, by pen

Here’s what I’ll be adding to my DVRroll. Whether or not they’ll work out remains to be seen.

1. The Ex List, Oct. 3. Stars “Ava” or Whatever-Her-Face from Grey’s Anatomy.

2. Samantha Who?, Oct. 6, if there’s room.

3. Kath & Kim, Oct. 9. The crazy, AbFab-looking one with Selma Blair and Molly Shannon.

4. SNL: Weekend Update Thursday, Oct. 9. Will air 3 eps, all about the election, I think.

5. My Own Worst Enemy, Oct. 13. The one with Christian Slater. This might be a J.Lo show.

6. Crusoe, Oct. 17. Badass tree house living!

7. Stylista, Oct. 22. The reality show that’s all ANTM meets Devil Wears Prada, or something like that. I’m sure it will be terrible, and that I’ll love it even more because it’s terrible.

8. 30 Rock!, Oct. 30.

 

You might also be interested in:

1. FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, Oct. 1. But only for the DirectTV-subscribing elite. What kind of crap is that, I ask you.

2. Dirty Sexy Money, Oct. 1, which now also stars Lucy Liu.

3. Pushing Daisies, Oct. 1. Do not sweat me about not watching this show yet.

4. Ghost Whisperer, Oct. 3

5. Numb3rs, Oct. 3.

6. The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Oct. 7. I just… can’t do it.

7. The Starter Wife, Oct. 10, now on USA. Ditto, about not being able to do it.

8. Eli Stone, Oct. 14.

9. The Sarah Silverman Program, Oct. 16.

10. LC guest-starring on Greek, Oct. 28.

Oh, and—

11. America’s Stupidest Home Videos, Oct. 5. If you must.

your guide to SEPTEMBER fare, by pen

Oh boy. It’s SEPTEMBER tomorrow! I was excited, until I received the latest EW with a pull-out calendar of September premieres. Then I was SUPER-DUPER excited!! So many things to watch again. This week alone we have premieres of ridiculous but absolutely must-watchable teen fare:

1. Gossip Girl (Monday)

2. One Tree Hill (Monday)

3. 90210 (Tuesday)

4. ANTM (Wednesday)

Also this week, on Wednesday after ProRun, is Top Design. Will anyone else be watching? Is it worth it? Please advise.

On Sunday, September 7, True Blood premieres on HBO, and I’m kind of sad that I don’t have HBO at the moment, but there’s always Netflix, later. (P.S. On the HBO front, does Flight of the Conchords still exist? Please say yes.)

Privileged, more tasty teen fare, premieres on Tuesday, September 9, on the CW. Hope it doesn't stink. 

Tuesday, September 16 brings us House, which I still haven’t gotten into yet, but give me a few years and when I’ve got a little more time on my hands, Netflix it will be. Also that night: Biggest Loser Families. Since I've been exercising and all, and have been doing a few workouts with that scary Jillian lady and hyper Bob, I might not be able to stop myself from tuning in. 

SURVIVOR: GABON starts on Thursday, September 18, and I’m psyched/nervous. The last Survivor in Africa was sort of a bust, but this location looks quite a bit more…fraught with possibilities, let’s say. The 18th also brings us Supernatural and Smallville, which again, I’m not into, but they both fall into “maybe someday on Netflix.”

Sunday, September 21 is the Emmys. Do you watch? I don’t, but I do keep up sort of/peripherally.

Ditto the latter for Monday September 22’s Dancing With the Stars. But I’m WAY pumped about that night’s premieres of Heroes and How I Met Your Mother.

Wednesday, September 24, on a new night, and showing for the first time in forever: The New Adventures of Old Christine. It’s good.

The most exciting night of the whole month for me will be Thursday, September 25: The Office, My Name is Earl, and Grey’s Anatomy all premiere. Ugly Bettty also premieres, for those of you still keeping up (Netflix, someday, for me—I blame the DVR’s limited capabilities). And Daniel Radcliffe will be on Broadway, dropping trou in Equus, which I sadly will not be attending, at least not in reality.

*And also, thank you Andria for reminding me! ER also premieres that night. I don’t watch it, but fully understand its importance to regular viewers.*

The following Sunday, September 28, includes Desperate Housewives, which alas, I stopped watching sometime after the writers’ strike ended, but I’ll be tuning in, just to see what it’s like, since the plot picks up 5 years later. I’m intrigued with this new trend in television; it definitely breathed some life and (limited) plausibility into One Tree Hill. The Amazing Race comes on that night (YAY!). Also, for those who watch, Brothers & Sisters premieres, as well as The Simpsons.

And for your Netflix queue, Forgetting Sarah Marshall comes out on DVD September 30.

That is all. Go forth, and enjoy.

your guide to AUGUST summer fare, by pen

1. Continue watching PROJECT RUNWAY, soaking up every last bit of the final season in NYC. HOW Tim Gunn is going to make his wardrobe work in LA, I know not.

2. Remain on the fence about The Secret Life of the American Teenager, in which Brenda Hampton completely recycles the music, flat acting, and after-school special vibe of Seventh Heaven. I thought this show was supposed to be, like, edgy or something?

3. The Hills! For all my fellow passengers on the LC Train, you will enjoy this article. Immensely.

4. Continue limping along with reruns of Gossip Girl, which yes, I LOVE, but I’m still bummed that there are gaping giant holes in the plot for us summer watchers. It's not very motivating. I may wait until the thing comes out on DVD to catch up fully… but the new season starts EARLY in September! Not much time left.

5. Continue to bog down DVR with reruns of House Hunters. In the meantime, research ways to expand DVR's recording capabilities. Is it possible with an external hard drive? Anyone, anyone?

6. Speaking of "Anyone, anyone?" WATCH THIS SEASON OF PSYCH. Particularly this episode. It's the best ever. I cannot say it enough. And Monk, too, continues to be great. Thank goodness for Hector Elizondo.

7. The Olympics. For a delightful rundown of events so far, see Megan's daily news segment.

And really, what else is there. Please advise in the Comments.

your guide to JULY summer fare, by pen

Continue watching:
1. Gossip Girl reruns, IF you can piece them together in order. Which I am having trouble doing, alas.
2. Celebrity Family Feud!
3. The Baby Borrowers, because it's funny.
4. Season 3 of Weeds, Netflixed.
5. Legally Blonde the Musical: Who will it be?? My money is on Southern Belle Bailey. But maybe Autumn, I love her, too. Actually, I sort of love them all, and the way they try to embody the "spirit of Elle Woods," even when they're not trying out for the role.
6. Last Comic Standing.
7. Old and new episodes of House Hunters. Because that's what you do in the summer, catch up.

New for July:
1. ProRun, July 16th! This is the last season the show will be on Bravo, which makes me scratch my head in puzzlement, but what can you do. It's moving over to Lifetime, and California. Hmmm.
2. Monk, July 18.
3. Psych. Ditto.
4. The Secret Life of the American Teenager, with Molly Ringwald! ABC Family, Tuesday night.
5. Extreme Living on HGTV. There are some super-badass-cool looking houses on there. Can't wait.

Please add your own lists/suggestions in the comments. I'm *slightly* out of the loop these days, and my taste doesn't include really include stuff like Burn Notice, although I admit I'm slightly intrigued, mainly because Jeffrey Donovan is so.darn.hot. Let me know if it's worth it. And stuff like Great American Dog? Do we dare?

your guide to JUNE summer fare, by pen

What to Watch:
1. Gossip Girl reruns on the CW, clearly.*
2. Season 3 of WEEDS, Netflixed. Or if you are luckier than me and have Showtime, Season 4.
3. Top Chef, although that's almost over. P.S. LISA CANNOT WIN. Do I have your agreement?
4. Legally Blonde the Musical: The Search for Elle Woods. Yes, mendacious, really. It's kind of... not that bad. It sort of fills the ANTM void, in a way.

Possibly, if there's time in between eating fresh salsa and popsicles and watermelon:
1. Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List. It's better than Kathie Lee Gifford: I'm on the Today Show Now But My Skin Is Still Orange.
2. Swingers... I don't know. If you must. If you're braver than me. Let me know how it is, though.
3. My Boys? Again, let me know. I'm too disillusioned to try.
4. The Mole. I don't really know what to say about The Mole. Maybe? Nah, forget it.
5. Hopkins: But let's be honest, it's not going to fill the Grey's Anatomy void, so why bother.
6. Fear Itself. I can't bash this one, because it actually looks pretty good--if you like horror. Which I do not. But if you do, by all means watch it, and I promise not to mock you.
7. The Bachelorette? Anyone? Anyone?

When to Read a Book Instead:

1. America's Got Talent. Run away, run away from the television.

2. Nashville Star. Sorry, I just can't.

3. Celebrity Circus, hosted by Joey Fatone. Make it stop. Please. Make it stop.

4. I Survived a Japanese Game Show. Can it get any worse?

5. Wipeout, which is described as a "cross between MXC, Fear Factor, and America's Funniest Home Videos." Yes, yes it can get worse. But surely that's as bad as it gets?

6. The Scoop, or "The Singing Bee meets The Office," hosted by Joey Fatone. And for this, I have no words.

*A note about GG: they are not acutally showing reruns in order. It's quite vexing. Should I save the episodes and watch them in order later, in a GG marathon, or just watch them as is with the disappointment of spoilers. I know not.

movies!

The latest EW magazine is the Summer Movie Preview, and omg, I'm so excited! We're going to have to save our pennies toward several outings to the theater this summer, for sure. Here are my top picks, in order of release:

1. Waitress, which is a Sundance favorite starring Keri Russell. Frankly, this looks more like a rental, because will they even show it in ILM? Not likely. But I feel compelled to see any movie starring Felicity. Unless, of course, it also stars Tom Cruise, in which case, I can wait. (May 2)

2. Spider-Man 3. I'm more of a chick-flick kind of girl, but who can resist Spider-Man, and in the theater. I saw the other two on the big screen as well, and I'm not about to miss out on the third installment. (May 4)

3. The Ex. I must also see any movie starring Zach Braff, not to mention Jason Bateman. Don't really care what it's about, but it does look pretty great; Braff describes the style as "a mesh between the sensibilities of Arrested Development and Scrubs." (May 11)

4. Shrek the Third. Again, this may have to be a rental. But even though I tend to forego viewing cartoon-type flicks in favor of real action, I have to admit I love Shrek. The movies are truly clever, and this one features JIM from The Office voicing Lancelot. One cannot go wrong. (May 18)

5. Pirates of the Caribbean: At the World's End. Another that must be viewed on the big screen, end of story. (May 25)

6. Knocked Up. Love Katherine Heigl. Loved 40-Year-Old Virgin, and therefore loved Seth Rogan. Love Paul Rudd, and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother. And then, looking through imdb, this movie also features appearances by Ryan (BJ Novak) from The Office, SNL'S Kristen Wiig, and (in a direct appeal to Ashley) Ryan Seacrest. Eeeeeee! (June 1)

7. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. What is with all my action-adventure picks, seriously? I really liked the first one, though, and one totally must see it in ginormity...

8. License to Wed. A romantic comedy starring JIM from The Office, Mandy Moore, and Robin Williams. Any romantic comedy starring JIM from The Office, I'm going to see. But also, any romantic comedy starring Mandy Moore, with JIM from The Office? Oh yes indeed. The plot: Moore forces fiance Krasinski to sign up for marriage-prep class led by "flaky family minister" Williams. Can't. Wait. (July 4).

9. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Explanation for excitement entirely unnecessary. (July 13)

10. The Bourne Ultimatum. Again, not a big action-adventure movie fan, but there's something about the Bourne movies I immensely enjoy. And it's not even (just) Matt Damon. I only hope that J.Lo doesn't leave me at home for this one to watch the baby. (Not that I mind watching the baby. But still.) (August 3)

11. Becoming Jane. It stars Anne Hathaway, who is just lovely, as well as Maggie Smith. It's a biography of Jane Austen, before she became famous. Woohoo!! (August 13)

12. Superbad. A teen-sex comedy co-written by and starring Seth Rogan. Also stars SNL's Bill Hader. And the teens? George Michael from Arrested Development, and the kid who wants to buy the sparkly, high-heeled goldfish boots at the eBay store in 40-Year-Old Virgin. I might read the reviews first before deciding on this one... I'm crossing my fingers for well-done and not retarded. (August 17).

13. Penelope. Even if it's a rental, don't I kind of have to? It stars Christina Ricci and Reese Witherspoon, and is about a girl with half a pig face... Yeah, okay, it's totally a rental. (August 17)

14. The Brothers Soloman. The plot sounds a little bizarre: says EW, it's about "a pair of inept siblings who enlist a surrogate to produce a grandchild for their dying father." But, it stars Will Arnett, aka Gob from AD, and SNL's Will Forte and Kristen Wiig. I'm pretty sure it will be freaking hilarious (August 31)


Will probably also rent:

1. Nancy Drew, because why not? (June 15)

2. Evan Almighty, which is the follow-up to Jim Carrey's Bruce Almighty, which I sort of loved and sort of hated all at the same time. The sequel stars Steve Carrell, Morgan Freeman, and GG's Lorelai, aka Lauren Graham, and therefore should be hilarious. Super-hilarious, really. But I feel it's just a rental after all. (June 22)

3. The Transformers, because you kind of have to. (July 4)

4. The Simpson Movie, again because you kind of have to. (July 27)

5. No Reservations, a romantic cooking comedy starring Catherine Hate-her Jones and Abigail Breslin, just because I can't help myself. (July 27)

6. Hot Rod, starring SNL's Andy Samberg, Bill Hader, and Chris Parnell, as well as Will Arnett from AD. This viewing will be pending movie reviews, as the plot is potentially super-dumb, but it could be pulled off if done with the right comic approach. (August 3)


Hip-hip hooray for Summer Movies!

почему (why)

I've been enjoying Cycle 8 of ANTM, as usual, because clearly I have a weakness for vapid, girly TV. Especially this spring: PCD, ANTM, The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman? I should be embarassed. (And yet, no. No I am not.) So far, I haven't really found a favorite on ANTM, but last night an unlikely model popped to the forefront of my Pick List: Natasha. Natasha?! How odd. Even odder, I kind of like Renee as well. Was it the mom thing? I found myself crying a thousand rivers when a) Renee and Dionne were reunited with their babies, and b) Natasha had a meltdown over not being able to see hers. Luckily, I can play the pregnancy hormone card here, as otherwise I would feel horribly ashamed at my copious weeping.

I don't know if it was the mom thing, and I have to say, even though Renee is growing on me more and more, like a fine bathtub mildew, I do not fully buy her transformation into Nice Girl. Frankly, I don't care whether she's that nice or not; I do appreciate realness. Then there's Natasha, who from the beginning has downright baffled me. Is she a genius, and there's just a language/culture barrier? Dumber than a box of rocks? Why was the concept of "teacher's pet" so difficult to grasp in that one photo shoot? What about the Russian mail-order bride thing. And she's a parent? And a college student? Her husband's over 40, wha? And what is up with that hair, like why's it so big. And the vapid/perky persona she presents at panel, taking every criticism and turning it into a sunshiney compliment. What is the deal. Natasha, you are an enigma.

But she's getting so much better at modeling, is the thing. The bicycle-pumped hair has deflated into a glossy little ponytail, she walks with authoritai. And the photos are getting smart. Whereas people like Jaslene, who started out so fierce, are becoming more vapid, unoriginal, and ho-hum as the weeks go on. Then there's Jael, whose very presence on ANTM befuddles me. Yeah, there were some all right pics in there. But on the whole, I just don't see "model," at all. And every time she speaks all I hear is gruff, jumbly drivel falling out of her mouth. It's easier to decipher Natasha's dialect.

My predictions for top 2 are Brittany (whom I also love, but am disappointed re: the weave, like why couldn't they have done something more exciting after removing the dead squirrel?) and, I'm just going to put it out there, Natasha. Third from the top may be Renee. Or maybe it won't be Natasha, and I'm temporarily delusional/optimistic. Maybe Dionne will get her in-person appearance together and rock out. Maybe Jael will learn to talk. So many questions, so much time enjoyed--um, I mean wasted, in seeing it all unfold.



P.S. to Tyra: Quit using the "persona" names, i.e. Brown, Nata, Nene. They're dumb, and everyone else seems to have forgotten them.