the job: expounded on (another obsession)

pondering and philosophizing and lamenting (long-winded) about the "job" (more accurate description of said 'job' coming later)

well okay, you've been hearing about it a lot. and its been a saga that started about 3 1/2+ years ago the minute i graduated and moved back to LA. and this vacuum of purposeless existence took over.

i said, um, so really- the entertainment industry? really? but that's beside the point. since not unlike my love life, the right jobs have been brief and ultimately elusive: i have a provoking personality. i don't play games. i can't stand micro-managing. i hate wasting my time and become resentful when i am not being used effectively. i don't do well in cubicled areas. i don't do well with people who only know the phrase "letter of the law" or don't question author-itay and are in any other way moronic and non-communicative, passive aggressive, antagonistic or evil. people might conclude that i attract this sort of drama or am so contentious that makes myself a target for being FIRED... which has actually only happened 4 or 5 times over a span of 13+ years. of course 2 of which were last year--- coincidentally. which i really think was an evil plot by satan to drive me into despair- when i worked at pottery barn he did the same thing. so i am used to his antics.

before grad school i understood what it was to be in charge, what it was to be a leader and to invest all your time and energy into something. i worked in the theatre. i was a stage manager and mostly beloved by many for my hard work and servant's heart, and was teased often for wanting to run the company i worked for (and often i did think maybe? someday?). then i went to grad school and all of a sudden i was groupless and not in charge or responsible for anything. and after all of it- those years of nothing but committed hours i snapped and have shirked responsibility of that kind for a very long time. coming back and still being adverse to delving back into theatre which was a sort of automatic outlet- has left me wandering for purpose and a part of myself, and what i miss, is being in charge of something and being needed and integral and without it i find myself empty & off balance.

for however small, i was in charge of the kids section at the national bookstore chain. and i got satisfaction from my autonomy, my ability to get away with reading in the section, and the care i took to maintain it and the compliments i got for it and ultimately the few friends i made despite all my angst. i can't believe after all of it that "they" liked me and are sad to see me go... and that if she's to be believed, she'd hire me back in a heartbeat- and i think bcs it's easier to bear- this short notice- since i start monday- is that i'm going to come in a few hours on the weekend to "help out", sort of oversee the disaster, and do what i can and not abandon ituntil they hire someone. oh, and- i get to keep my discount.

the 5 month mark is an odd one because just this last week i'd clicked into permanence, without intending to. i kept surfing internet sites, telling people with a shrug i was still under-employed but had relaxed and gone about my mind numbing business with a shrug... then friday i got a call saying "your name came up in conversation" (bcs of an interview a month 1/2 ago whom i never! heard from!!) and "come down for a PA position"... and then i got home and saw it posted on my networks jobforum and was like- well they called me after all.- but what the hell?! and then back to- that has to mean something. i went in with low expectations, thought after all these interviews of my short lifetime that it was just yet another audition. only to find they sort of had i think pretty much made up their minds- they didn't once look like they were judging me, trying to 'figure me out,' or eye me suspiciously, but existing with me in the same spot and after 25 minutes saying, well the job's yours if you want it... i sat agape!

and the producers are both gorgeous looking and everyone seems relaxed- they didn't even think my education was a strange thing. they nodded like it was something they'd considered. they uttered the words "possiblity of advancement"... what?! and things like, "is there anything we're forgetting to tell you...it's not very exciting, do you still want it?" i said... as long as i'm busy and i like what i'm working for, i'm not looking for fireworks. which is funny that'd i'd even have to explain it- which is a lot... they look at my resume or something and assume i want action and glamour. .. like maybe i'm used to it or something... i don't know. they feel bad about employing me to such a humble position. and that's nice but spare me. we all have to start somewhere and i've been waiting for almost 4 years to start somewhere. and i pray i can start here... that i've hitched my cart correctly to the corresponding track...none of my doing. and that in this shabby industrial building from the 50's with its long ass hallways and creepy stairways that i will be needed and valued and wanted... and that possibly i can entrench myself here- if only for an initial 4 1/2 months... but not just another wheelinacog but something more with a face and a name and a we can't let you go mendacious because you matter to us.