Dear God,

It's me, Penelope. As you know, I have been driving for 12 years now, and--I no longer need to knock on wood, but--I hadn't until today ever been pulled over. Never been pulled over, much less ticketed. That's not to say that I've never sped, or sort-of-accidentally run a red light, or done something else worthy of the law's attention. However, for the most part I am quite careful. I set my cruise control for exactly 6 miles over the speed limit on road trips. I wait approximately 4 seconds after the green light now before proceeding. And most importantly (I feel), I always keep up with the flow of traffic. So, even if I am going over the speed limit, such as on I-40 in the RDU area, all the yahoos around me are going 80 in a 65, too. Basically, I try at all costs when driving to avoid a) creating a threat to the driving community at large and b) getting a ticket. Because, as you also know, God, I don't have a lot of money. I mean, I'm not destitute, but I don't have money to burn on useless crap like traffic tickets and raised insurance rates. I would rather spend my money at Target, on things like baby food, and hair products, and the occasional CD, or a box of wine.

Anyway. You also know that throughout much of my driving career, I have owned a vehicle. I am currently on my second, a lovely Honda by the name of Rufus. Rufus has, hanging by a string on his rearview mirror, a Catholic medal, similar to--but notably not the same as--the one pictured. The medal's purpose is to protect the car and the car's driver (me, Penelope) in travel. And so far, despite any other of my track records regarding religion, I have never once doubted the medal's power. This is not to say that stupid errors in judgment have not occurred under its watch, such as the Western Boulevard Ice Incident of 1999. But, to the medal's credit--though the tow job was especially involved and cost a cool $80, there wasn't a bit of damage to the car, or to me, or to my passenger. I say with conviction that the medal has kept me and my car(s) from both damage and notice over the years.

So today, when I conversed with a friend about the medal, and we pondered which saint exactly was pictured on it? (And I'm still not sure--St. Christopher is the patron saint of travel, but I don't believe it's him.) I really, truly wasn't sure, and I'm still not, why the medal says "The Matrix." But you have to believe that I was being silly, not at all rude or mocking, when I suggested that it was really Keanu Reeves pictured on the medal. Or Laurence Fishburne. I was totally, 100% just using my sense of humor, which I thought was one of the gifts? Perhaps it was in poor taste, and if so, I take it back. So not funny. The medal does work, has worked, and not because it has an attractive star from a badass movie on it.

After 12 clean years of driving, I can only imagine that getting pulled over today while in the slow lane, the last in a line of cars, keeping up with the flow of traffic and approaching a red light was, according to the laws of chance, bound (and overdue) to happen. I am still sort of speechless over the whole thing; in a moment when I was moseying along and minding my own business, the last thing I expected was to get pulled over and ticketed for 15 over in a school zone. I honestly feel like I just pulled a crap card in a board game, that's life, and I just have to pay the fines. But I just want to make sure, from now on, that we're straight: medal jokes=not cool=something Penelope won't do ever again. In the meantime, I have full faith that the medal will continue to protect as usual.

Yours sincerely,
penelope