Let's Keep it Light

In recent days I've been fuming about how my father pretends i don't exist which makes me bitey and vicious whenever in direct vicinity and summarily infuriated when he mentions something involving my life about me to someone else as if i wasn't there... but who wants to complain all the time. as my cousin says to me sunday- really going to church should calm you down, give me compassion or patience like it were a pill and not a change of the heart or evolution of the mind- but gnashing frustration is hard to get out of your system and jesus is not an instant fix- like drinking a redbull or shooting yourself with a tranqualizer dart. which is what, if i had a choice, i'd sometimes do to myself- like just suddenly you realize how amped up in the head you are and you're like, uh guys, BRB- and you just take out your air injection gun and down you go- thwump! you wake up slightly dazed but at least you've been able to get some rest... i think this sort of ultra- aware condition that we artists fall victim to make us deliciously narcissistic and self-absorbed but it doesn't mean we're wrong about what we're seeing. the nagging thought besides, is that i do patently have trouble actually "being" in environments other than my own- bcs my brain says: activate all channels now. please cover exits, movement in your periphery, your own comfort level, note other peoples postures, ticks, flutters... and by the time that passes (which is never) you're onto what you're actually watching, listening too and analyzing that... and it's a wonder that you've come to feel anything. that's why it takes a lot of repeat visits in a place for me to feel what in my head i feel i should be - relaxed and just purely focused on the moment. my shirts should all say, I'm watching. Or maybe, Observe or Die... Carpe Diem is for losers... something that screams give me a white room and I'll make a world in it. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just a thing. You know something i've been thinking about. That's why it's probably best i currently watch tv for a living and am trying to earn money to travel- which are just natural conclusions for people are entirely comprised of eyes: (Tightly woven brain included).

Things observed:

• money in banking account, aching calves, paper tabs in treadmill cupholders, clock on wall, grime on car, fresh fruit, basket of chocolate, basket of brownies, to do list, non-chapped lips, dirty fingernails, uneven nail surface, pores, chin hairs, beads of water on glass, kid on tape saying, in order to shoot the M-ramp why don't you take "anti-anxiety pills", R: that's the last thing i want to do. Kid: "that's what i'm going to do".... he's 15... the idea of numbing your senses already taking hold.
• seaweed, date, time, emails, shaved head, dyed hair, tapes, lint, uneven breasts, unshaved legs... the concrete wall before me, white. the tv before me playing. play. playing. one 10th of a second at a time.