Last night we went to my favorite prime rib place to celebrate my uncle's life, coincidentally on the day of his death. which to me feels like they're going about it all wrong. shouldn't we remember his birthday? like every year my aunt and mom and dad and uncle remember the day he decided to be the most selfish asshole ever, sure he was already locked into the depressive disease it is, but there were many choices before that, he failed to make for the better, i mean if we all agree living is the best possible solution. and my aunt sort of uttered quietly if there was anything "we" could've done. i felt i could appropriately say the answer was no. and i hate to feel that my aunt carries around the burden of "if only" and "what if" because when i told her that suicidal people are inherently self-interested, self-consumed and absorbed she gave me a shocked look, like really? like she'd never thought of it before. but believe me i said to her they are- it's their misery, their pain, their alienation from the world and you can only do so much to convince them otherwise- and she's been carrying this burden and guilt around for 18 years. which bums me out. unfortunately we're always out to dinner when these conversations arise and i don't want to make the whole table cry- but one of these days i'm going to say: now look: free yourself please from this ever present pain. it was never your choice to make, it was his. but of course that doesn't stop me from blaming his parents but even then- he was 30. and you can't be 30 and still blaming your parents for everything. for me 22 is really the cut off and you should spend those intervening years working out your shit and not digging yourself deeper into the hole via alcohol or as mr. mackey says, mari-G-uana... bcs suicide is b-a-d as mr.mackey says: suicide is b-a-d. and lets not add depressants to an already depressed personality- is all i'm saying... sure as my grandma said in a letter to friends- suicide is complicated and there are never easy answers... but my aunt who never gets to talk about this outloud except once a year at dinner in a room full of strangers, feels a part of it is her fault and i think that's horrible. and it's horrible that each of them can trace an action back to the moment of his death whether it was giving him money or having an intervention too late- not one of them pulled the trigger. and maybe if from the beginning we were more honest about each problem, about each stone in the foot on the walk of his life we'd be a little clearer now and maybe he could've been too and his choice would've been different.
1 comment:
Sweet wise child.
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