breakthrough?

Besides hating haircuts, something else I'm suddenly and randomly Strongly Opinionated about is not liking certain people, and realizing that it could in fact be Them, and Not Me. It's another one of those things I probably felt or had an opinion about all along, but was too afraid to admit it. I used to, way back in my horridly dorky junior high days, and on into high school, say I didn't actually "hate" anyone, and that may even still be true--if you dislike someone that much, why waste the energy? I mean, I'll say I "hate" a person, just because it's fun sometimes, like I HATE Ana Lucia on Lost, I really do. But I don't really mean it. However, I'm at the point now where I can honestly look at a person and say, you know, I genuinely don't like him or her.

Am I bragging? No. It's just that I used to be such a wuss about admitting these things--I was all like, I am sooo not stuck-up, people, in fact I may be the least stuck-up person on the planet because rather than thinking I'm better than everyone, I have little or no self-esteem at all. No one believed me, because I didn't talk much, and when you don't talk much, people assume you're thinking bad thoughts about them. Even if you have a simultaneous mullet and bad perm along with braces, red licorice glasses, and extremely bad fashion sense. In fact, these people tend to hate you even more, thinking that a loser such as yourself has absolutely no reason to look down on anyone else.

The mullet and the braces and the glasses only lasted around two years, through most of seventh and eighth grade, but this Period of Serious Nerdom laid the foundation for the Doormat Approach to Social Behavior that followed and persisted through the years. First it was, so-and-so doesn't like me, wonder what I did to piss them off? Then it was, maybe if I'm real real nice to them all the time, they'll change their mind. Then it was like, well, if they're not going to be nice, at least I can be all upbeat when I talk to them, and maybe they'll pick up on it and match my tone. Mostly I'm talking about the people who were "cooler" than me--the actual Cool People in high school, then the people in college who seemed to have their whole lives together, and now the people at work and in life who seem like, way more adult than I am. Regardless of having a husband, house, and baby on the way, I feel massively immature, or kid-like, most of the time. With my fish named Bill Lumbergh, my affinity for the Muppets that has never flagged, the way I look, act, talk, dress. I just come off as younger, somehow.

But it's occurring to me that
a) I really don't care--that's just me. I like the Muppets, and will continue to like the Muppets when I'm in my 30s, 40s, 50s, etc. Dammit. I'll continue to be quiet and reserved in most social situations, I'll sing goofy little songs that make absolutely no sense to my dogs and--I'm sure--my child. I may even watch the WB for the next few decades, who knows.
b) Some people are just bitches. They were too cool for high school, and years later they continue to act as though their legend still exists. They look at you funny, or they deliberately ignore you, or no matter how nice you are, they're absolutely rude and stilted in any conversation that you do end up having with them--a behavior which is, in fact, socially retarded.

Just come up to my desk and stand there with a sour, imposing look on your face and then jump right into whatever it is I've done wrong with no prelude. Go ahead.

I'll let Grace from Ferris Bueller say it:


"What a little asshole."