Friday, August 3, 2012

Um, Pen

So day 2... i mean we didn't officially talk about it but i think that one belonged to you? I'm here at a coffee shop called cafe bene. I think my latte was made with half hearted interest, as ive become a connoisseur now of lattes being made with love or indifference or in my mind weak coffee. Eventually i'll have to give up and go on to cappuccinos. But never mind. The day has been idyllic despite sand blowing into my ears at the beach- puffy clouds, cool water, loveliness. Then a trip into town for food- the conveyor belt sushi belt place isn't open until later so I suppose if i stayed here a few more hours i'd have dinner there - but i don't know. I ate at burger king. Which i inherently feel bad about like it's food wasted, time wasted but nevermind.

Work is fighting it's way into my consciousness as it looms closer. With that feeling of dread of going back. And that need for a hobby it doesnt seem i have time for. The tension from loveliness to that feeling is making me not want to type- to give up and resume reading or staring into space. It's because I can't resolve it. It just is. What's to work out except to say, God, please I dont want to dread work. And why do I dread it... I know why... but why must i work in a place that makes me dread it.... is it possible like that mythical story officespace to arrive at a place of peace and be like "fucking A." as you clean up the debris of a burned corporate enterprise. I want to believe in a place like that- that i can reach that place....

So I'll go onto something else. I got an allergy test yesterday, four years or so in the making right? I can go into shin on tuesday and get the results. I'm curious. It seems so unneccessary and yet i do love tests and information that's directly related to me. Win/win right? I asked him about the numbquad thing i've had for the past 3 years and he said yes, it is probably related to your lower back and you probably should try a chiro first- and we are our own best doctors yes? Weight loss, correct posture. Etc. Yes. yes. Mmhmm. And i was already so exhaused by Megs freaking out over skin cancer and her irish ancestory and to the thick and heavy psychic energy surrounding hospitals in general that going back for any length of time whether xrays or "other" seems almost impossible to me.

It might be time to go back to tanning. The threshhold of thoughts being held delicately on... i may be in a foreign land but the thoughts are the same. The structure i find myself in new, but familiar. I'll try to talk about love and prayer in the other place or here. Someone ask me some direct questions.

Through timea nd space.

my love, m.

No comments: