Tuesday, August 21, 2012

it's an undercurrent.

That's the feeling i get. It's always there. You just lose bouyancy and it catches you and you're swept up by it. To me there's a sense that there's some judgment that pulls you under, maybe some lack of worth of feeling you deserve to drown. I don't know. Is this too much for this august blog? Randomly, unrelated i had a dream my dad was withdrawing a large sum of money from an atm and then was followed back to the house and robbed. The young black guy was apologetic but still was going to do it. And so i emailed mom and she's like your father is going to the atm on monday to pay the electrician.

I know right?

Anyway, back to the pondering. I'm with you about the tension we live in- that potential vs. kinetic energy. And I think we must have both. We should float to rest after go go go but then we turn to self condemning? I hope for that balance in the next job. It feels good to work hard but for me is it the labor that satisfies, should it? Or is it just work? To me this is tied to very finely but not directly related to the swings we're talking about- which i think don't have to be so high and low. You're not letting go of something. Is there something down there in the current you're trying to hold on to? Discover? Or are you trying to bury it before your pulled further down stream? Staying down longer than you should?

I get what you mean about having both but it's like in that sense why would you want to play with the poisonous snake just to prove that it exists and is dangerous ... is more like a person who thinks they'll never be rid of the snake so they think they owe it some familiarity so as to come to terms with it? Which maybe we won't- to some degree be ever rid of it... But i think there is a further freedom to seek. And that i see the dark as that active agent very deliberately trying to extinguish your light. I think yes, those battle are inevitable- but not so long or hard or lifelasting maybe... there's some defense in the wall that's been breached, a wound that needs to be guarded and healed up- is how i would see it, and you need to bring stones, barriers and such to guard it so that the bridge isn't underminded. In the last folletnovel they talked about how the spacing btw the bridge points had to be wide apart so the current would be slower/the more narrow the stronger and more corrosive the current, and then in order to help the problem, the pile of rocks had to be around the pilings otherwise the current would undermine them at the bases even if it was moving slowly... which is what happened in the book of course and why the bridge, even the 2nd stone one almost collapsed. Bcs they just drove the pillars down and didn't put the loose rocks around the base because it seemed pointless but it totally wasn't. And though we can't see them they were important to the strutuctural integrity of what's seen on top. So my fish friend there is something to that NOT weak thought- it's what God calls us to... we were not meant to dwell in the dark or entertain it... and we know the light isn't effervescent bubbles- that's not quite what we mean...but you know. I had a dream about you too- the same night as my dads. We were in a house i often dream about in a room. I didn't tell you what was in the room, but it was something i had wanted you to see or notice. It wasn't a good thing... it reminded me of our ghostwalk... you and i. and the knowing and the seeing of things. and the choices we make.

Ok i'm going to go swimming and come back.
Also i'm eating a vitamin water popsicle... it's ok but not nearly as satisfying as the oj.

The swimming was an effort to make my mornings feel more expansive. I think they do a bit. And i said i'd avoid the coffee shop today but mwah... will i?

Sorry for the dramatic tone shift. I should go. I missed the 1020 bus and now... i have a feeling the next ones not coming for 20minutes ... but do i know that for sure? No.


pen said...

this is one i'll come back to and read again and again. epic analogies my friend...

almost anonymous said...

A book I read recently had a section on learning to accept that the world has both good and bad. I wish it had a little more digging into how that works in a healthy individual, but an interesting bite for thought.