Thursday, August 9, 2012


I greet you from the depths. I think icyhot does answer all. I think that thing with your back has to do with fatigue. Introverted fatigue. I don't know.... back to that in a min. I've showered. Read a bit and pondered making a list of possible allergen suspects.  Listening to itunesdj with a cup of iced tea to my left. The old man says it all. I feel they are highly appropriate and my love for you upon waking and seeing those strengthened as if i were right next to you and you had just answered my question without even hearing it. I do blame the time difference. It's tricky this future and past thing we're doing- on my side of tomorrow, your morning my night... I told cathy the other day i felt it. The strain. Not just the routine but the difference. Like psychically or something it feels farther to reach her. When i want to i have nothing to say. Her words are less to me. And i can feel jealous over details like luther knowing more about her backpack that was stolen then i do or danica's pingpong turney i heard from 2 people but not from her. It's nice but it reminds me of the distance.

Meanwhile I'm burned out everyday staggering on and staggering off the field. It kills me mentally to think i have another 6 months. I know as August ends it'll tip but I'm waiting. Meaghan said just this a.m. that sometimes I'm too stressful to be around... alternately at times too calm or too anxious. I can relate as I'm an emotional barometer as well but have zoned out lately at work due to -- wtf am i going to do about it, but x off the days. Ok immediately I heard the word pray.... so man i have to work on that- that LOVE thing... but man this being "on" thing. This work space thing has my mind churning at 8hours solid and i literally feel the 'too muchness' of it. To keep going. I'm sure in life we all have this, i want to stop and rest and alternately some aching task that has us keep laboring. It schools me in my too independent nature i suppose.

ANyway speaking of, volcanic- no. MIA. I mean even after that talk she didn't write... and i felt laying down the gauntlet of ... so forgiveness? Was the last word i had to say? Was there more to say? Is there? I mean it's bizarre. I just find myself thinking those things as it crops up and i shake my head. Baffled. I hope she hears it from someone else so that she can really "hear" what i said. Does that make sense? Because i mean, i want it to be about me being right BUT- and though i butchered the delivery-- a part of me senses God wants her to hear it too- the need for healing and all that-

Back to my absurd allergies- I mean i trust them in so far as i know my body is silly or rather doing silly things. I think the wheat and strawberries could be latent PTSD from childhood. That webmd made a sly mention of such things as i was reading up on diagnosis issues. So while I'm willing to let the here and there wheat in I feel the GF thing is probably ultimately more healthy for me? But yes, sg for sure or rather what is leeching out of... i do like lists and it rekindles my love of them as i contemplate all the various food things i can write down. Another to do maybe for the a.m. or before bed which should be soon given how intermittently or... consistently ? fatigued i've been. But yes- mysterious X... what is it... i'm hoping creative... or obvious and creative? I'm not sure. When i think of how much sausage and bacon i was consuming pre leaving... along wth my almost allergy to eggs i sort of gasp...

Totally- BH- spunk but no heart.
Ok i should go- what else. What do you need to know... There was something.
You-- i need to know what you're eating and the feel of the couch and the wood floors and about your patio and the way the light is hitting a favorite spot as the sun is doing whatever it does.

my love,

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