Saturday, August 18, 2012

Wait, (is it me God or all You?)

Ok at long last. My inquiring minds friend. Not that other people aren't inquiring like my cousin and various other people brazen to ask about it on facebook via 'message'. Discreet then. Yes. I suppose my reticence to not post a daily update on every lb lost (shouting rooftop type thing though i think it would be fairly worthy) is my 'hey i'm me, and comfortable with me no matter what even though i do want to be thinner but lets not get vain or obsessed about this mortal time slaved body that is disintegrating before our eyes. Because really i loved me when i was like 70+lbs heavier and still saw myself as beautiful. And am i really even trying? NO. And still on occasion sabotage myself with over-eating and gross fastfood. (which i do generally abhor despite its delicious addictive properties)

There is the larger sense of coming into the mental picture of me that you mention. And that's when I get excited. That i can enjoy this a bit on earth before my full heavenly redemption of a taller, equally breasted woman, with no crowns on her teeth but on her head sort of thing. And equally how i get used to my body, surprised by it, used to it again. I think wow, it is making such a difference, more than i can see. Since others most definitely do see it as they glance at my face and notice such change. I notice how i can more completely enter into yoga moves and that's very cool (liberation). I am lithe-r? and more energetic when i play volleyball from when i played in may to again in july. True to my predictions my knees are hurting less though that compressed nerve in my lower back can @(*#&!!! And it's getting worse not better. Whatever.

So what else. What am i doing. I guess that's the common question? and where i'm almost a little bit more ho hum, lets not look at it too closely or it might get scared and runaway sort of thing? Not that people are asking that... but maybe its that self-reflective question of if i lose my weigh, how do i get back here to this glorious 5-10lbs down every month without trying sort of thing? Also i've never been here before? So there's a disbelief and a novelty about the whole thing that i dont think i'll fully allow myself to relish in UNTIL i a. get to some sort of "stopping place?" and b. can sustain this weight loss for more than 1year+. And i think wow it was a long road to get here... years of eating more and more healthy by degrees- less dairy, less processed food, less portion size, working out, frustration, food allergies, no wheat, losing weight on a trip, fasting (aka food losing its vice grip on me- my bloodsugar levels, my need and fear of needing protein constantly, which i count to be the most relevant, important? turning point?). Maybe my body needed a complete reboot of epic proportions to understand how much it was really freed from? Because i've never been this thin. And this isn't even "that" thin. If thin is a thing and it is.

Because I'm still a bit confused as to what i was failing to do at home and doing right here inadvertently. The major things are these:

-I walk a mile everyday, not even in one go- 10min up the hill to work, 10 min back down (that's it besides maybe every other week yoga, once every couple months volleyball, to a once a month hike or longer walk or very short swim... so you can see why i'm like really 1mile a day is making that much a difference? I guess? Yes. Because i'd say i'm less active here than i was in chi or la?)

-I don't eat baked goods or much gluten free stuff at all. (so no 'indulgence' food. that has to be major. i do flip out and eat icecream maybe once a month or have these coffeeshake things to go, but otherwise, besides lattes? and chocolate? no...)

-I eat way less meat. Definitely has to be a major factor and by association less fat. And even less dairy. The koreans are probably right about that one. People who are large here are said to "like meat" where as the more thin prefer rice or vegetables or speed...

-My portion sizes are way smaller then even in LA (which i dont mean to do on purpose but im not that hungry as i was) and besides fruit i dont really snack outside of the 3 meals? The two times i've noticed less than a 6 lbs weight loss is when i was super stressed and eating mcd's like 2x a week which when i was losing 10lbs a month i was still doing but just once a week... and the everysooften pringles binges. I think my lunch portions should be bigger anyway but work is making that really impossible so breakfast is eggs/potatos, latte, yogurt/fruit/nuts or other, dinner (protein/vege/rice?) and sometimes night snack of fruit, pringles, etc. Weekends i eat more extravagantly? Oh and not eating pork here helps since apparently i'm allergic to it?! So i guess eggs and sausage/eggs and bacon was not uh? condusive?

So it all adds up i guess. I was at about 275/280 and hovering upwards as i got more stressed about coming here. Prior to that I had maintained that weight for a good while. And now every month i'm down half a size. Inexplicable. Obvious. All at once. Dream come true. Let's hope it lasts? Back and forth. More to go. A lot already gone... etc.

Here i am at about 220/222ish. Or as i said before 100kg-101.5kg. Anyway this has to be the most dispassionate recounting of something epic ever. I apologize. I suppose I am that internally wary of it that I can't even articulate how fuckingRADitis! It's that not wanting to be let down or disappointed. And that new goal of well, i have at least 40+lbs to go if i were in fact going somewhere. Which i guess i am? Let's not talk about it or breathe about it or it might go away. Too much a slave to temporal reality opposed to the eternal work being done in me which is really where i am deeply in gratitude to God for bringing me to this place, setting me free, going with me down the road, and finding that otherside of myself i always knew was there, and that i didn't believe i would ever see in this life. Hopefully when this is all over i can be less dispassionate about it and more like- in your face fat! go FUCK! yourself and the evil place you came from! But for now, i'm all - head nod , and um yah, cool.


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