sooo apparently i'm not immune to the 'i could give a fuck' about the blogging thing.' good to know. (usually it manifests in surly and malaise driven posts but this time it was purely focused on tv and manual labor. thus silence.)
in my conversations with jesus 2 (you know me in the boat on the river 1) during this stilted 3+wk period i find my words to be bordering the sacreligious. i hit lake placid- i'm pretty well convinced- and it's driving me fucking nuts. my sentences to god are laced with a bitter breath, i know god's got this. i know god is faithful... and all sorts of encouraging things but every word might as well be this FUCKING SUCKS. I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING STUCK HERE FOR EVER. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW. FUCK.
so i stopped praying to god bcs really laced with that sort of malice i was pretty sure the words were choking the air, and started to confess about what an ungrateful asshole i am (possibly human). mainly bcs after Epiphany celebrating the HolyDays is pretty cool... and the idea of Lent that intrigued me most was that some early christians did lent bcs they were preparing for baptism by sort of purging themselves of the 'bad'. and i'm so tired of myself right now that really a better newer me better be fucking coming along SOON.
I confess:
- I do not think my hearts desires will be fulfilled (a husband, a sustaining career)
- I am inconstant (natural but true)
- I am ill-disciplined
- I am ill-tempered
- I am impatient
- I do not believe when I pray 4 things like Nicaragua, god cares, bcs I do not feel worthy of it. I feel guilty and demanding of it, of buying clothes, of eating out.
- I am complacent and lazy
- I am 'biting'
- I am resentful of not being in god's peace and power more (as i used to be)
- I am mired in procrastination
- I am not joyful
- I am a petulent 3 yr old
- I am lonely
- I am in distress
- I am a petty complainer
- I feel the seperation distinctly from me to the divine
- I think to not care much about life but I am most times divided and expectant
- I am full of grumbling
- I confess my heart is hard from waiting
- I confess it spills from my lips in sharp words uttered under the breath against people, against my community, it is hard to still the quick tempered surge within. it is hard to set my heart in labor for you, for abundance.
- I confess I am dissatisfied.
Then at church, of all places, I absentmindedly decided to read Lamentations, ignoring the loud singing around me, wryly amused at the timing...
... "I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.... The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,... it is good to wait quietly... it is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust- there may yet be hope.... For men are not cast off by the Lord forever."
And my conclusion despite my totally irked inner life: Though I lament, I do not despair.
9 comments:
Wow, now that was honest. I must admit, the first time I read you were inconstant, I thought I said you were incontinent.
I echo the wow. I really appreciated your frank list of confessions. Several definitely hit home.
"I do not think my hearts desires will be fulfilled..."
Speaking for myself, making peace with that one opened up a wonderful feeling of freedom. Like, okay, so maybe those things I thought I wanted really won't come to pass. And if they don't, what then? -- And then I thought of a whole bunch of other great things that could come about instead.
I'm not trying to pollyanna out on you. No worries, still caustic as ever under this veil of good cheer.
i, too, appreciate your honesty. and several of your confessions also resonated with me. we are all too often aware of our obstacles, shortcomings, and misplaced attentions and yet do nothing about them. i'm fully guilty of that. so now, what comes next? what labored step do we take to pull at least one foot out of the thick, sucking, mire that threatens to hold it there forever? is it a matter of asking God to restore our hope in Him, in the desires of our heart?
This is really inspiring, Mendacious. I often find grace one of the hardest concepts to grasp - that the confession is enough to be forgiven and to have hope. And I admire you for offering up your confessions and your despair. Sometimes they are both easy to hang on to.
P.S. This post was worth waiting for. ;)
Also PS to earlier: You see how the "I could give a fuck" settles in?? Bites one on the ass when one least expects it.
This is a stellar comeback, though, I have to say. :)
I've thought about not saying anything because of the way you concluded your post, but I'm just going to go ahead and let it out anyway.
'I do not think my heart's desire will be fulfilled'
I really have a problem with that statement. I hate that statement. Even when things seem bleakest, you can never turn cold on your heart's wishes. Even if the odds might be ten million to one, you still have to believe. Every day, every fucking day is an opportunity. Sure, tomorrow your husband or dream job or whatever else you desire might not come along, but that just gives you another day to better prepare for when they do! Often times, when someone becomes bored with life they are playing things too safe. Ask yourself, 'When's the last time I truely risked something for my heart's desires? When's the last time I put everything on the line for what I want?
d- i see where you're coming from but in some ways it's not for lack of trying- necessarily... and yet the crux of the statement is at the heart of it- to not believe truly but be conflicted bcs of hope. also i am bored with myself- irregardless of life... though i understand why you find them to be exclusive... i live bcs i feel obediently obligated to... most times and yet i am expectant and that makes me yearn for the future.
To be completely honest, I just recited a Tony Robbins monologue word-for-word. I don't believe a word of what I wrote. :)
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