(With a little bit of rage.) So, about being pregnant for the second time. Sometime last fall, shortly before K.Lo became mobile (and Intelligence returned from vacation), I decided yes, I am SO ready for a second baby. It was like, let's GO, let's get on with it, woohoo. And in many ways, I feel the same. It's not something I can really verbalize, it's just, that's what I wish for, another baby. And here I am, on my way.
It was such a short time ago that I had K.Lo, the physicality of pregnancy feels very familiar. And yet... and yet. One very positive thing is that this go-around, I feel I know what to expect. I know that every pregnancy is different, just like every baby, but the basic facts of what will happen, what it will all feel like, are all stored in my Points of Reference. So in a lot of ways, I'm taking it all in stride, la-dee-da, hum-dee-ho, falling asleep on the couch at 9 every night and trying to eat a little healthier this time. I know what's going on.
But then, there are these moments. The wow, really? moments. Like, I did that once? I carried a baby to term and then got the thing out? I feel like I must have been so tough--how was it such a short time ago? I made it through all the blood tests and the unspeakable poking and prodding and the general day-to-day discomfort? Really? Beyond morning sickness, which was absolutely wretched and way too long the first time, I went through the achy waddling phase and the killer heartburn and the contractions and whatever else, too? And lived? I just... it seems slightly impossible to me, in these moments. The moments that are laced with uncertainty and panic.
But I guess... I'm doing it. There's not much turning back now, so.
I went to the doctor this morning, met with everyone's favorite nurse, Vapid J, who has such a pre-programmed list of things to say that I don't think she even really listens or can process her way through a question to give a unique and proper answer, should the situation call for it. Exercise helps you through the nausea, she says. That's my personal favorite. Oh, and the seabands, the fucking seabands for morning sickness. She says she likes them so much, but I'm like, what do you mean, you like them. Have you ever used them, and for morning sickness? I don't think so. I think she likes them because they sound quaint. My wrists had indents in them so deep two years ago from seabands, it made me want to vomit even more. I mean, if they work for you, great, fantastic. But I just want to sit down one day and tell Vapid J where she can stick her seabands--and I would too, if I thought it would make her blink.
Anyway, the second part of the visit involved a blood draw across the street in the new lab building, which I can already tell is going to be a joy to visit on a regular basis. I shouldn't complain, since it's still pretty close, I don't have to drive anywhere for results. And I probably won't have K.Lo with me most of the time, like I did today. The stairs are the first thing that frosted me, but maybe I was just in a bad mood from Vapid J. Then they must keep the place about 62 degrees cold. And then, okay--I know she didn't mean to do it, this lady from the lab. I know she probably draws blood at least 15 times a day perfectly, and I've had my blood drawn several times in life, but--WTF. WTF WTF WTF. When drawing the third vial out, that needle somehow shifted in my vein, and literally took my breath away. My bicep still, STILL, aches an hour and a half later. My arm is blotchy with these weird pale spots and my muscle feels like it's being squeezed and/or bruised. WTF!!!
See, I'm becoming a wuss. With a slight bit of rage. I think I need to get in touch with my complacent side again. I miss Complacent Pen. Maybe a nap would find her again.
4 comments:
possibly also your blood sugar level is crashing and your hormones are out of whack- besides the fact that these people are fucking fucktards ; ) i hope presently you are hacking something up or are post hatching and watching a lifetime movie eating rolo's.
Next time ask for the supervisor phlebotimist because you just might have to hurt someone if you get another bruise. Or if you are feeling gentle.... Tell them that if it hurts more than a pinch that you will positively break down and cry. You have the power.
Is it strange for me to reveal that after reading your post last night, I had a dream of you -- in all your raging glory, but happy, and really, really pregnant. It was kind of pleasant to see such anger channeled so appropriately, even if it was in a dream. And it was in color.
I had moments of rage during my pregnancy. I was quick to anger and would find myself, nostrils flaring, lip snarled, heart racing, fists clinched and would take a step back and realize how funny I must look and it would be hard to remember exactly what set me off. Greg called me very "intolerant" -- big difference from "intolerable" which is what I thought he'd said at first and after an episode much like the one described above, sadly, I must admit, it was true. I got annoyed with things that never bothered me before and would get so riled up, so quickly. At least it's all only temporary -- that was always some solace for me.
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