sooo apparently i'm not immune to the 'i could give a fuck' about the blogging thing.' good to know. (usually it manifests in surly and malaise driven posts but this time it was purely focused on tv and manual labor. thus silence.)
in my conversations with jesus 2 (you know me in the boat on the river 1) during this stilted 3+wk period i find my words to be bordering the sacreligious. i hit lake placid- i'm pretty well convinced- and it's driving me fucking nuts. my sentences to god are laced with a bitter breath, i know god's got this. i know god is faithful... and all sorts of encouraging things but every word might as well be this FUCKING SUCKS. I'M GOING TO BE FUCKING STUCK HERE FOR EVER. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW. FUCK.
so i stopped praying to god bcs really laced with that sort of malice i was pretty sure the words were choking the air, and started to confess about what an ungrateful asshole i am (possibly human). mainly bcs after Epiphany celebrating the HolyDays is pretty cool... and the idea of Lent that intrigued me most was that some early christians did lent bcs they were preparing for baptism by sort of purging themselves of the 'bad'. and i'm so tired of myself right now that really a better newer me better be fucking coming along SOON.
I confess:
- I do not think my hearts desires will be fulfilled (a husband, a sustaining career)
- I am inconstant (natural but true)
- I am ill-disciplined
- I am ill-tempered
- I am impatient
- I do not believe when I pray 4 things like Nicaragua, god cares, bcs I do not feel worthy of it. I feel guilty and demanding of it, of buying clothes, of eating out.
- I am complacent and lazy
- I am 'biting'
- I am resentful of not being in god's peace and power more (as i used to be)
- I am mired in procrastination
- I am not joyful
- I am a petulent 3 yr old
- I am lonely
- I am in distress
- I am a petty complainer
- I feel the seperation distinctly from me to the divine
- I think to not care much about life but I am most times divided and expectant
- I am full of grumbling
- I confess my heart is hard from waiting
- I confess it spills from my lips in sharp words uttered under the breath against people, against my community, it is hard to still the quick tempered surge within. it is hard to set my heart in labor for you, for abundance.
- I confess I am dissatisfied.
Then at church, of all places, I absentmindedly decided to read Lamentations, ignoring the loud singing around me, wryly amused at the timing...
... "I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.... The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,... it is good to wait quietly... it is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust- there may yet be hope.... For men are not cast off by the Lord forever."
And my conclusion despite my totally irked inner life: Though I lament, I do not despair.
