Mendacious is always going on about friends and friendships, and though she is an uncompromising Taurus and I a gentle Pisces fish, I am apparently not so kind in certain friendship-related matters. Mendacious can forgive, look past major faults in some instances, and I can be so merciless.By nature, I look for the good in people, almost to a fault, like I will excuse a person's behavior and defend them to the last when they are criticized by another. I'll be like, "Well maybe she...," or "But I don't think he meant..." Even when she totally did do it, and he totally meant it. It crushes me to see formerly good friendships die. I'll mediate wherever possible, until I remember that it's not my business or place to clear the air between two parties, it's totally up to them, their choice to make or not make. And sometimes friendships need to die, or even just rest for a little while.
As forgiving as I am, though, as open as I am to the bond of friendship, as willing as I am to meet a person halfway in a relationship, when I'm done, I'm done. If I see something so inherently broken with the person, or the friendship, or the energy between us that it can't possibly be fixed, I move on, and that's it. There are just some people I don't mesh as well with, and no amount of conversation or effort will alter that fact.
What I really can't stand, though, is when the other person cannot see that it's over. Or at the very least, that they should back off. I mean, probably that's part of what's so broken about the energy between us to begin with, what turns me off so much. I don't respond well to smothering. All bribery attempts will be shunned. Burying me in sugary compliments will only make me gag. Requests for more/any time together? Denied. I truly am Penelope Pussycat, and the more you chase me, the more I will try and hide.
See, I'm merciless. Probably I should at least extend to the offending party the courtesy of full disclosure, tell them why exactly it's over. But if it's an unsolvable problem, I don't see the point? I'd rather us both just wordlessly acknowledge that it's not working out, and then we can be civil in spite of the necessary detachment. Sometimes, you have to deal with the person regardless, even if you can't be friends, so why instigate drama and strife, when in the end you'll be left with the same set of circumstances.
I fear that this is all very bad friendship karma, and that perhaps I've been just as much the offending party in certain relationships. Although, I would hope that I am not that oblivious to those social cues, the ones that clearly say, Um, yeah, it's just not going to work out, between me and you.
Certainly we've all been in and/or will be in relationships where what you give is not what you receive in return. And it sucks, really. But when as a friend, I'm just not that into you, is not telling you to your face the kinder thing to do?
6 comments:
i would say this person is my exception rather than my standard as you know how i've disowned multiple family members and a litter of disloyal friends... i will ponder. it's a difficult thing. sometimes more for politics- withholding the truth right out is probably best but i bulk against having to make such conciliatory movements even though i often cave into them. i wish we could honor one another more since we are so much more sacred than our flesh but yet we must contend. damn, this clarissa. sorry. seriously you should see some of my other emails! but how should we work to forgive the people that so often irk us, and that we be moved to pity instead and not rail continually rail agaisnt. yet our hearts want to fight and our mind not to mend. and all usually with good reason.
sometimes you just can't argue with crazy. that's the other thing. but only watch for the overspray and set up nets and tarps to avoid it.
shutting up now.
m-out.
are you divorcing us? i would be sad. ;)
i understand your prediciment. i think you have to do some research with some FRIENDS DVDs (the one where phoebe and monica try to phase out obnoxious friend... good one to start with!)
in situations like this i am way passive aggresive to the point of fault and i guess it ends up hurting the other person's feelings and i feel a little guilty, but not so much that i do anything about it.
i always like that you find positive things to say about people. i can tend to be very negative sometimes and i can always count on you to find the positive and turn my butt around.
of course, i can be that pestering person that won't leave you alone until finally after you don't return my 12038903245 call or e-mail, i get the hint and talk bad about you...hehehehe... even if i only talk bad about you to myself... of course, then that just makes me a little crazy and i can understand why you dumped me in the first place...hmmmmm....
Friend breakups are so hard. And there's this part of you that feels you should be honest, but you know part of that is the need for vindication - to spout whatever anger or hurt or neglect or offense that led to this place. But then saying it, it just opens the door to reconciliation, right? Then the other person is going to want to try to fix the unfixable. What to do, what to do.
I say honesty is the best policy.
Yes, honesty, please. Don't be brutal, just the conclusion, my inner child says that we can't be friends any more. Or our friendship is like the orchid I was given and I really wanted it to live but it died. short sweet done. Could be a good thing to have a talk before the breaking point, maybe I didn't know that it wasn't ok to [ insert failing here].
I read this very concise article today about being assertive. How you should think before you say yes and how to say no when someone asks you to do something. Your "no" looses strength when it is explained. Some people have a toxic effect, sad. But they aren't your problem.
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