My Friend the Fabricator, by M

Yes, Yes it is another post about friends. RUN! (it's totally long too. you dodged a bullet)

For those of you are going to stay just to see what sort of strange things I'm going to say, welcome.

I have noticed that among friends that if they can't talk about their lives, and their friends I get bored really fast. Sure there's a fine line between gossip and storytelling but usually the people you spend time with are (part of) the makeup of your existence and I like to hear about their perception of their friends, their beliefs and why they like someone, are currently totally annoyed with someone etc. And it's fun if and when you finally meet the person to see how your mental picture has developed in comparison with the real thing. It's sort of like unwrapping a present. There's one group of friends that never talk about their friends and whenever I see them I think wow, really, do we have to talk about politics again or the state of religion in Europe? I mean what's going on with you? What did you do yesterday? Nothing? Wow, really. And then my head slumps down on the table. Bor-ring!

I have one friend in particular however who has run the other way of the equation. I mean sure I do like a good story but I generally prefer them to be true. Let me preface this by saying I do love this person a lot. I generally have shorter patience with such things as I am a mostly very honest person which to me illustrates how much I really do value them, that I overlook it. And well, what if this person reads this? Isn't that mean? No. They know they lie. It's not surprising. Do they know if I know they lie? Maybe not. But then if they think I'm marginally intelligent they might figure it out anyway. The problem is they can't stop unless they want to, because to them it is actually more comfortable than telling the truth. Even when confronted.

But as recent google searches attest pathological and compulsive lying are really very deep and complex pathologies and are usually associated with other disorders such as borderline personality disorder and narcissism. My friend is deeply deeply insecure and lacks things like love and grace. They need Jesus, in all the ways that phrase recommends itself. It is very important to them that they are perceived in a certain way and lying about their past and their finances or their social class just reinforces the way they want or really NEED to be seen. I love them anyway, poor or rich, sloppy or clean, educated or not. But they do not love themselves in the same way and they need to have control and this goes to creating drama for its own sake or inventing typical tall tales. But lying is only a symptom of a much larger problem.

I have to say it keeps me on my toes. Since natural born, I love a good story. I intuitively ask questions until I find the truth or that the story is assembled in such a way that it makes sense. Usually I can tell when someone is deliberately leaving out information, hemming, hawing, sidestepping, the dreaded lies by omission, debates. And usually if not infuriated by it, I find it fairly annoying. Just tell the truth ya'all. Even if it's difficult and awkward. Even if you're trying to spare my feelings because I didn't get invited to the ice cream social or that you really don't ever want to go hiking with me. I am tenacious. I will usually if I don't relax push the issue until it breaks. (Totally my problem I know.) Just tell the TRUTH. Everyone. Lying is LAME. Unless you're just trying to mess with people and have some fun. Then go for it.

But I digress, this person has been lying to me since the day I met them. Their friends and me get together sometimes and confab about the particular lies and question one another if it could possibly be close to the truth. Good liars do always make it close to the truth. That's what confuses the issue. Did they ever date so-n-so? Well, no. But that person does exist. Ohhhh. Have you ever met.... ? No. Ah! Do they have a house in.... ? NO! Gasp. You've never met their parents? Oh, that's weird!

I had forgotten, until recently reminded, that this issue was not just in my head but was actually real. Like, oh yah, they're totally a pathological liar! Ha. What?! Isn't that weird!

Besides the big things, they also lie about little things which refreshes my sense of watchfulness- little variations of the story that are pointless, thus illustrating that to them factual evidence, no matter how small, is insignificant. Hence the lying. For instance mid story small lie, "So then around 3 after waiting for like an HOUR..!" Truth: It was at 12pm and we only waited for 15minutes. Since the exaggeration wasn't used for comedic effect or slander, then it is completely 2nd nature compulsion. Or standard lies: "My family has a house in Jackson,Wy." "Oh we should totally go!" Truth: It never happens. When pressed they will say yes, but never follow up. Etc.

This is a serious but mostly annoying problem. I categorically do not trust them, or emphatically only trust their actions- what I see, observe, intuit. I watch for how the story repeats itself- does it change? Since we do tend to repeat stories, events, and traumas over and over the course of knowing someone. How does the past change? What details are they telling me and what does it build up to? How am I perceiving them now? What if they hadn't told me this story, what would I think? Who have I met that they've talked about? (this one is very important) Do they live up or match what that person has told me about them? Yes.No. Have I seen pictures?!

It's an interesting way to know a person. And reinforces to me all the ways in which I love this person and how much I know what they tell me sometimes, just doesn't matter. Mostly it bums me out to know they need to try to make me believe something about themselves. But the truth as some genius said once, Will OUT! The truth will out. And it shows itself at the most instinctual levels. For instance, I grew up upper middle class. My concept of money, security is based on that and my private school education, coupled with my luthern upbringing matched with my nondenominational conservative school, matched with the barrio i grew up in juxtaposed to state school vs. artschool.... etc. All shows itself no matter how much I would try to hide it or obscure it. My friend wants me to think they grew up rich. That their parents are rich, etc. But they act poor. Money is tight and carefully managed. It does not grow on trees. Their reactions to money, to work are completely different. Obviously I can't explain it in all the ways that would demonstrate it properly but I hope you can see my point. That who we are, partially constructed by our environment, does show itself. Which is why people who aren't ever "quite right" or just a little off is how finely attuned- instinctualy- we are to the people who match our class, education, religion, race.... even in the negation of those similarities or differences.

If I could smack some sense into them I would. Hit them with the common sense stick. . . But though the truth will out, I love them anyways. And I would pray for patience and ways in which to show them that in themselves they are sacred just as they are, and cared for and loved just as they are. And there is no need of ornamentation or diamond powder body cream. Because I see them for who they are.

This is a big step for me in facing lies with love instead of truth. Or both actually, which makes all the difference.