Sunday, December 25, 2011


As i talk to you there are two guys on our lawn with drinks in their hands talking about my father's packard- as if the lawn was common property and the car on some sort of display. It's too bad my father isn't here otherwise he'd hobble out in a minute to talk to them about the glories of packard or at least dispense with yes, and no, and well actuallies...but come in satisfied that buying the car really isn't a thorn in all our sides. so maybe it's better the parents are elsewhere.

I'm half drowsy with sleep and decided for whenharrymetsally over apocalypto although neither really christmas satisfactory. And before that my dad's tenant came with a package and i had my hair up in a buntrumpador type style- he said, aw, youre sweet. As if arriving at some assessment over long trying to picture what i might be like, and found me amusing. I thought after catching sight of myself in the mirror that i looked ridiculous. And before that the neighbors granddaughter brought their homemade tamales to us in exchange for some shortbread cookies... dessert tamales, spicy tamales, standard delicious tamales. Peripherally I am surrounded by parties, presents and cheer, and despite my fresh baked apple pie, and the prime rib i had last night, i feel it all sort of grazing me but not quite penetrating. My uncle even offered to buy me a laptop offhandedly when i said no, my parents haven't offered to buy me one yet... and i was startled and thankful but it didnt' seem real. It still doesn't.

Maybe i'm in some sort of negativity bubble. It's possible. Suffering under the slog of un-gratitude? The two things i want for christmas, a phone and a job contract and neither have come yet. I'm a tyrant when waiting. I can see that books point exactly- dismissing all the good things one by one like that little girl at the party looking for the one thing that won't come... I had almost escaped the longing of all the presents until sarah was like, no presents? nothing? uh, no. i'm going to have to make jesus a gf cake next year. And determinedly focus on him... and yet what happens when my heart is impenetrable? i mean it's not but you know what imean. when i stop to think about the fudge i'm going to get and that things will change? and the the list and all the rest... it's the stopping and breathing part. it's the being in the present part. yes. that's the thing. Danica's mom was talking about how speaking gratitude and things your grateful for is scientifically now- proven to make new grooves in your brains cortex... new tracks, the good, making them deep and wide, speaking them over and over brings light into being... not for nothing.

well anyway. i turned it back to apocalypto and am rapidly losing focus. goodbye for now and merry christmas dear one.



pen said...

Well I made you a present but just haven't sent it yet. If I were there I would bring you the present, the phone, and a hug. And we'd eat tamales. Merry Christmas m.

Bruckner said...

Here's to popping all negativity bubbles.

And bubble bath bubbles.

Merry christmas.