Thursday, November 10, 2011

These days,

Lately I'm reluctant to get out of bed at all. The tossing and turning though finally does me in and the thirst and the general haggardness so I do get up. I've never been one of those lingering types. Absolutely possessive of the 8or9 hours but otherwise. I wish i could read a book in bed in the morning, like those grab a cuppa and tuck back in sort of people. Or the kind of person who pulls off nightware really well opposed to looking like a tangled mess. I wonder if i had one of those sleep # beds if i'd be restful when i sleep. Granted the dreams don't help but i've always been rolling this way or that. I do the same thing in church- one hip, next hip... i wonder if the whole thing speaks of being bored with the process. I'm not sure. When mom asks me what I've done or am going to do with my day, I just whistle now, in that arching "annnnnnnd, hoooooow" as i wave goodbye sort of whistle. I'm sure it says almost everything. And most nights i conquer the mind chatter with some yogic deep breathing exercises.

As you know i've been having some vivid time in imagination land too. I also got new floss, and have been taking long soaking baths. Which taxes our septic tank horribly but my whole body longs for the heat and liquid warmth. It pulls me to it. I think about it all day and think, can I slip into the tub and let the water rise, yet? I've never used bathsalts and fragrances so much in my life. I'm also, currently reading "sweetness at the bottom of the pie" and the poems of wallace stevens. Scheduling time to get that BA notarized (pain in my ass). Ordering prints from the last 3 years from k)dak. So there's that. But whatelse- Cathy sent me money and it made me weep. And for her birthday i'm going to figure out how to make her a cameo. Also I have both Adele albums- 19,21. Have no idea how i got them or why they're on my itunes... It was sort of crazy. But now i can listen to the 3 songs i do like over and over again. Bonus.

So, Last night I dreamed of 7 kittens. [which can speak of gaining independence or?] There was a whole lot of business about the wrangling of them and where they came from, and what to do with them. It was definitely like we were keeping them, and the smallest and last discovered one was a brindle- rustredorange kitten, smaller than the rest, and we definitely decided to name her "Chloe"... which means "tender young shoot" or "verdent and blooming". As I said to Lauralee, "I am full of portent these days."

Oh and I finally embroidered the name of the quilt, and my mom and my name and the year into the quilt border- which given how sluggard i've been lately was quite an accomplishment. I almost wept. It was even better than finishing the hedge trimming, or taking that long walk on Monday but haven't repeated since. As i said to danica i've enjoyed too much being maudlin and licking the salt and grey from my fingers all day long to do much else. In the same breath though i can be glad of your long waited for grocery. The good things. They're coming aren't they. Ways are being made. Pushed forward and opened. I'm going to write a poem about us i think. What our condition might be. I think...


and for records sake: a jumbled mess and not much meat.
portent aka a list of all the images in my mind right now:

It started with:
  • The Ants: Everywhere, all around our house. Stealing resources. of friends. of mine. And the woman i asked for help said i should ask God to wake me up with a verse:
  • John 2. The wedding at Cana. Mary notes that they've run out of wine. Jesus says it's not his time yet but he does provide anyway. Which I pondered whilst camping- Mary knows the shame that will come upon them. I wonder why she knew in the first place. Sometime later la-cat was praying for me and that led to the bathsalts, the contemplation of slow healing and the tension in my shoulders, and the may your body have hope, not just my soul, which led to:
  • Psalms 16 "you hold my lot. the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, indeed i have a beautiful inheritance."... which i didn't agree with. I wondered where it was. I asked. i went to the throne and said, but seriously am i missing something?
  • Which led me to: What is pressing down on my shoulders? (my knee has been hurting again) A golden statue of an indian fell off my back, and was then pecked at by a vulture as if it were flesh. It spoke to me as if it was about stolen inheritance... was it mine? Was it someone elses? Where did it go? Why? I stopped meditating. I thought it was too much too see already with no answers yet.
  • And then of course at the beach: The pelican and the 4 fishermen. I have often asked God, "Lord, where shall i cast my net today?"
    • pelican: pinpoints the fish, locks on and plummets into the water to get it. i resolved that i would most like to be the pelican.
    • the father: with his son, taking pictures and catches the fish, all experience and memory gathering.
    • the expert: two massive poles, 3 hours, 8-10 fish, 1 baby shark, 1 stingray?, and every single one thrown back into the ocean. drew lots of attention and questions and seemed relentless. maybe it's all about the lures.
    • the fly fisherman: endlessly casting and reeling back into a basket. river? why ocean? nothing caught. restless. exhausting to watch.
    • the recreational hobbyists: two friends, moving down the beach. catching nothing but talking. almost aimless or planless anyway. and then prayer on sunday,
  •    a baby in a crib, a roman soldier- the centurian luke 7he knows jesus can just heal his servant from where he was because his authority extends beyond him, everything is subject to it... then ps91... he will command his angels concerning you... (the passage i've been teaching the meditation classes on). jake prayed that over me coincidentally... jesus of course was tempted by the same phrase...
  • and then the dreams: the woman, the child, the rasping choking, the "lord, give me my voice!", the nanorobots, the flying, the struggling, the man chasing me with a cat like face. the choking squeezing has stayed with me since.
  • and now the kitten named chloe. the verdent bloom.
and here am i, on the brink. the slippery edge of understanding. i need to make columns. draw a diagram. the truth about jesus//the indian//the requests//the lack//the expectant future.

but perhaps instead i'll crawl under the couchchair cover like twist and sleep. if only i had an analyst on staff.


Bruckner said...

I've never responded to a parent by whistling. What a novel idea (especially with Thanksgiving fast approaching)!

I haven't taken a bath in over 10 years. Is that strange?

I've gotta tell ya, once the golden indian started pecking you and you began yearning to be a pelican this blog became a jumble to me. Perhaps it's all a complicated metaphor, far too sophisticated for me to comprehend.

But I do like the name Chloe (for a kitten or person. In fact, if medical science can ever fix my sperm count, Chloe would be the name I would....sorry, just wanted to throw in something about sperm count. Been trying to work it in for months!!!!)

pen said...

we're definitely going to need an infographic.

mendacious said...

i did warn you when i said "jumbled mess"- i did mean it. it was more 'notes for me'... i will totally consider the infographic... hmm yes, perhaps a picture graph would be awesome.

and aw,,, sperm count.