hey, let's try something new!

Mentioned in the StoryCorps book, this quote:
I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.
-Martha Washington

Yes, but Martha, I initially argued in my mind, aren't you born with your disposition? Aren't some people naturally inclined, through that disposition, to be prickly or brooding or otherwise melancholy? Then I thought about it a little more, thought about the scope of my own life, and I reached a different conclusion.

I feel like, regardless of circumstance, I am uncomfortable... just being alive? Maybe everyone is, to some extent. As m and I recently discussed, in the absence of tension, you crave it. But there will always be tension, I'm not saying you can or should ignore tension. I'm just saying that overall, looking at each period of my life: childhood, junior high, high school, college, the fateful London/Paris trip, Chicago, grad school, real-world employment, and now kids, I always feel this unmistakeable itch. Like there was and is always something to kind of brood on. Like I'm on my way to solving some "problem" and once I get there, once I get past "this," then I will feel good.

Except that, once I do get past "this" (and you always, eventually, get past it), I jump right into some other vague state of discontentment, brooding on an all new "this." It's just the way I operate.

So I'm trying something new. I'm going to actually, for once, enjoy "this." Sure, there are little (and big) everyday problems and sources of stress. Tension. That's totally fine. But geez, I've got these two small people in my life, and this pretty fantastic marriage, and a cool house that I love to fix up and switch up and just plain live in. I need to be hung up on that. So I am. I am, inspired by Martha Washington, choosing a new disposition.

I'll let you know how it goes.