hey, let's try something new!

Mentioned in the StoryCorps book, this quote:
I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.
-Martha Washington

Yes, but Martha, I initially argued in my mind, aren't you born with your disposition? Aren't some people naturally inclined, through that disposition, to be prickly or brooding or otherwise melancholy? Then I thought about it a little more, thought about the scope of my own life, and I reached a different conclusion.

I feel like, regardless of circumstance, I am uncomfortable... just being alive? Maybe everyone is, to some extent. As m and I recently discussed, in the absence of tension, you crave it. But there will always be tension, I'm not saying you can or should ignore tension. I'm just saying that overall, looking at each period of my life: childhood, junior high, high school, college, the fateful London/Paris trip, Chicago, grad school, real-world employment, and now kids, I always feel this unmistakeable itch. Like there was and is always something to kind of brood on. Like I'm on my way to solving some "problem" and once I get there, once I get past "this," then I will feel good.

Except that, once I do get past "this" (and you always, eventually, get past it), I jump right into some other vague state of discontentment, brooding on an all new "this." It's just the way I operate.

So I'm trying something new. I'm going to actually, for once, enjoy "this." Sure, there are little (and big) everyday problems and sources of stress. Tension. That's totally fine. But geez, I've got these two small people in my life, and this pretty fantastic marriage, and a cool house that I love to fix up and switch up and just plain live in. I need to be hung up on that. So I am. I am, inspired by Martha Washington, choosing a new disposition.

I'll let you know how it goes.

where i went wrong

More on the Jan/Feb suckitude, and How I Resolve to do Better:

1. Forgot how to enjoy K.Lo. I mean, K.Lo always amuses and entertains, one way or another, on a daily basis. But with sleep issues and the Terrible Twos, and whatnot, I found myself way more annoyed than I liked or needed to be, and on a regular basis. Which made me feel even more unhinged, which she (of course) responded poorly to... vicious cycle. It got the better of me.

2. Didn't harass mendacious enough re: that first chapter-episode of our book, and handing it in to me so I can see what it looks like and do one of my own. I'm still tapping my foot, m, waiting, waiting, waiting! Or are you really too busy writing about fuzzy bunnies.

3. Became too unglued at certain mishaps, inconveniences, temporary setbacks, etc, such as having the kitchen redone. Like why I got so twitchy about a little dust, when hello, I can clean it up eventually and in the meantime I have brand new CABINETS.

4. Denied the general suckiness of February as a month. It's cold, dark, and gloomy, literally and figuratively, and yet I tried to pretend it was all sunshine and roses. Should maybe embrace its inherent crapholeness, next time.

5. Spent too much time trying to hook up wireless printer to the network, should just be happy with the thing WIRED and leave well enough alone. How many hours of my life did I lose with this misadventure? Hell.

6. Really did poorly with the Netflix fare, once again. MUST watch more of my own movies/shows. Must make the time.

7. Worried, once again, too much about what I'm Supposed to Be Doing as opposed to what I Feel Comfortable Doing. I don't even know where the Supposed to Be Doing voice is coming from? I'm clearly making it up in my own head, and it's a snotty little twit who speaks, tells me how I'm doing everything wrong, allocating my time improperly, constantly unproductive, not living up to some lofty expectation of Good Mother or Good Wife, when really I just need to be Good Penelope.

Will amend these matters promptly, report back with results.

resolve

And I'm not talking about carpet cleaner, although my mom says we can keep their carpet cleaner, which we borrow periodically to clean our one carpet that is a magnet for dog-hair-and-whatever, since they hardly have any carpets left to clean anymore. (It's all becoming hardwood.) Although, maybe that should be a resolution. All right. Here we go.

In the year 2008, I, pen, resolve to:

1. Make sure we clean the carpet more, using above-referenced carpet cleaner.

2. Loll about in the already-green pasture, i.e. ENJOY what we ALREADY have. I ruminated a bit on this idea previously, and I'm driven to really keep with it. Like, instead of buying any new movies this year, even if they're only $5.50, like at Target, or pre-viewed on Netflix, I should watch we already have. Because we have quite a collection and do not need more. Oh, and kids, we don't need anymore kids right now, for pete's sake. And when shopping, when "needing" anything new, I want to think through carefully and asess whether a) we really need it, b) we need it now or can we wait and ask for it for birthday/Christmas, or c) if we could just plain do without. Or maybe there's something we already have that's similar, or maybe we have the materials needed to make it. Or whatever. That sort of mindset, to back off from excess and waste, and move toward conservation, inventiveness, etc, is what I'm talking. And let's be honest, all this geeky, socially responsible, yawn-inducing talk is really all about:

3. Decreasing the debt. I want to end the year 2008 with LESS DEBT than 2007. I don't want more debt, I don't want the same amount of debt, I want LESS DEBT. Even if it's by a dollar. The high-interest mess gets tackled first. I want to do what it takes, in all the ways that I plausibly can.

4. Have a big yard sale. Not just for the money to go toward Resolution 3, because you can never really expect to make a whole lot--they're a total crapshoot, dependent on so many cosmic factors. But we just have a lot of clothes and VHS tapes and vacuum cleaners and other stuff we're simply done with that is all piling up in a designated Yard Sale Heap. It's in the corner of the guest bedroom, it's becoming quite the mountain, and I can't wait to see it gone. The air will be so much more lovely to breathe after crawling out from under that pile of bricks.

Lastly, I resolve to:

5. Revisit this post at year's end and blog about whether I actually pulled off these resolutions.

Oh, and on that note! Looking back at last year's Eve, where I pondered the notion of how one brings in the New Year: I ended that post imagining/hoping/predicting that 2007 would be "quiet and yet magical, filled with family and low-key good vibes" based on our evening of Harry Potter, one bottle of champagne, chicken parm, and a K.Lo. Did that come true? I don't know that I would call it low-key or quiet. In some ways it was. It was definitely filled with family and many good vibes. So let me not antagonize fate and sloppily approach the Eve of 2008. This year, I am spending New Year's Eve:

showered and flossed (very important)

marathoning Season 3 of The Office

playing Magnetix after K.Lo goes to bed

hoping to hell K.Lo actually goes to bed

drinking just a little rum and Coke

and...dinner.

I don't know what to do about dinner. We have no available, non-interest-based fundage sources to purchase a fun, festive holiday dinner, such as Chinese food. Or 7-layer burritos from Costco. We have some materials on hand. And I suppose, looking at Resolutions 2 and 3 that I need to work with it. Or do I save that for tomorrow. Gah. Frozen fish patties it is? Bleh. Must summon creative forces.

Happy New Year, everyone! Good luck with all your own resolutions, and enjoy the day.

M's Resolve... and Retrospective.

1. it's a small goal but going down just a wee inch on my waist is what i really want for '08.
2. i also want my debt to be lower. it seems with as much as i made this year, i'm trying to figure out why my debt isn't gone... but that's because i have no sense of perspective. so clearly things must have been bought and some things paid down.
3. organizing my art and writing and getting that shite put togetha'
4. the first two things seem firmly within my means- the rest that i'd write like leaving the country are on the whims of circumstance... so i'll leave them there and hope for the best.

GRR, MOMENTS:

• being stuck at borders for 3 months into '07.
• a couple friends acting like big smelly turds.
• writers strike
• running over a steel beam in the highway, getting a ticket for crossing a white line

TOP MOMENTS:

• having the longest job run ever.
• can you say camping! joshua tree, doheny beach, (sequoias.)
• water-rafting in colorado and the cross country road-trip
• san francisco and bourbon
• the mighty dolphins of march
• getting a new car, winning my white tix defense

Dammit it if it wasn't a good year... it totally rocked.

restraint

I am. A bargain shopper. It is in my blood. Probably you know this about me already. I enjoy the commercial hunt and kill. So it is especially difficult for me two days after Christmas to go to a store like, say, TARGET, and resist even looking at all the holiday decor that is currently 50% off. Not so much ornaments, because I so don't need to buy myself those. But wrapping paper, probably that would come in handy. Or maybe a lovely red table runner or whatever. I would use these things. But I don't need these things. The thing is, I have already bought myself these things. I just need to pay for them now.

So, a brief note to self:

Dear pen,

Don't do it. Think of the interest charges. The children. How long it will take that item to rot in the landfill. Whatever you need to think to keep on walking, think it. The time is now.

xoxo and godspeed,
penelope