FTA: Diary Excerpts for Bruckner

• Dear Diary, I am having a meltdown of somekind. Perhaps cough syrup and ... some unknown tour de force has sent my heart racing into a panic...
• DD, Cat is licking me. And endlessly distracting. It was a good day. Baptisms. Food. Friends. Everything seemed infinitely possible.
• DD, My breakdowns are much more quiet now. The thought even occurs that it would be nice to never return to work...
• DD, Today I have .52c in my acct. .81c on my CC. Today I cannot sleep. Today I think of all the unfinished things. Today I hunger. I will fix myself a small salami sandwich.
• DD... I applied japanese blossoms shea butter.
• ...writing by the light of the tv. i ate horribly all day. When all i really wanted was oatmeal and a salad. FUCK. but despite the broken chairs and the cakes i have in all of my most recent memories never wanted to be anyone else but me.
• Why is impatience so paralyzing? It holds you fixed at a yawning cavernous abyss!
• A young boy named Ali from Mexico sits eating molly's fries while reading his graphic novels. He does this everyday...
• DD, should I be by a great and unruly river- in a place of abundance by a jungle, just one step without leads me to a sea of burning sand, so quick to ruin, in such a place and so much redeemed: and so loved that i seek the desert's quiet.
• I want that fresh blue light smell of a clear dripping wet morning and the breeze like a sweet scented exhale (of god which soothes) and all of it sparkling heavenward, grasping but can't reach.
• DD, no one at the desk but a funny man who doesn't know the right extension. Says I should go get a drink. Meant that in the alcoholic sense.
• roving apprehension. something forgotten, undone?
• this great expanse leaves her bereft. alone... long to be touched.
• You came to me and told me to meet you.
• DD... of a conspiracy to strip me of my belief in god- i spend most moments slamming the dor but it permeates the room anyway- that i am alone. without and surrendered to a pitiable slick of despair in our condition- in our life and death- and then nothing- to weep for young and all old to be wrecked by circumstance. who have the misfortune to live and best unawares. it becomes palpable and it is hard fight within and remember otherwise.
• ...i met with god and how in all my arsenal of words can i describe how simply he dwelled. not beside but in every bit.fiber. seemed distinct and unified and vibrating and weightless. cyntrifical heart heavy and hot with all that is how it can be-
• guilt is an ugly feeling. conviction goes forward despite you. it is a presence and takes you with it.
• ... I lay here waiting for you and i know its true.... I'll go, i just wanted to say I don't understand it. But i feel it. Want to be clean of it. Want to be taken up in something whole and pure.
• DD:... all my molecules. hum. tensed.hand cramping. don't know how much more i can write with it doing that.
• Dear Diary: It is. 84 degrees (facing North) Topless, with black bottoms. undeniably hot.
• DD: Feeling slightly poisoned. So really despite what i should, did tell you, i should go to bed.