Tuesday, December 18, 2012

dear Bruckner,

I'm listening to SujanStevens "that was the worst christmas ever"- I get lulled into the dolcet sound and i suddenly tune in the minute he says "our father yells, throwing our gifts into the wood stove. wood stove." and then I laugh. Then i feel bad for laughing. That's what's happening right now. But anyway, the page party. No it wasn't you. It was in burbank at the girl with the long black hair's house, you me and anthony and a couple others were sitting outside while - i really have no idea who it was- maybe a new page, maybe a friend of a friend- we were discussing relationships indepth as anthony had a long term girlfriend and you have your roommate. So.

Onward to the word "resistence". You are correct sir. This is where my blend of sensible meets romantic comes to a terminal point with those who would finally wish my romantic side to fall headlong off the cliff. Every time. You have no idea what you're asking. I know you want to see it. I first noticed this itching trend in my circles when someone back in high school was like, I really want to see you drunk one day- in that wistful, i wonder what she might really be like if she were to let loose.. but even when one too many has been had i am responsible and constrained. It's disappointing all around really. I myself want to be kate winslet's character in that jane austen novel. But it's all rendered rather imprudent and impractical. Says my strong other half Elinore. And even Danica was like, M, you can't fall in love in korea, I want to see what your like when you're in love. I have no idea why i garner such curiousity in these contexts, but it does flatter my narcissism so by no means stop.

If you must know bruckner, his name is craig, and her name is sarah and the quiet one is yeasl. And i love all three of them. And we are all in a matter of weeks being blown to the wind. What you're asking is for me to doom myself to a pining and unrequiet that won't ever be fulfilled. One, he lives in South Africa and wants to do long term mission work in Japan. Two I really, despite our compatibility, don't see a future in the two of us, even if he weren't obsessed with Korean women. He's a better match for sarah, AND he doesn't like me. We have a mutual affection for eachother that I know and a sympathy and understanding but I don't see it going further. And I smile at him knowing it's not quite right, and that he has to go meet God and his destiny and his lithe asian mate. I can't help that i remain objective. One of the recommended jobs is that of a judge for my personality type. So. we just have to deal with it.

There's no getting over it unless he's the RIGHT ONE. Because I dont want to wake up everyday with butterflies in my stomach at the thought of seeing him or day dreaming copiously about ways in which I could find myself alone with him. Sometimes such things are worth guarding. We always say when not in it, to go ahead and indulge and dip in, and why not, let yourself go, because this is life and to LOVE and to- but there are sacred things that shouldn't be trampled or very lightly given and my heart is totally one of them yes? There is no regret in any one of the people that i've liked and not pursued. That i can promise you- so far. They weren't for me. In matters of love, unlike lattes I am good at walking away, usually.

Speaking of, I have a date with a mug and a bus to catch to get there.
But let us continue this, you and me.

ps. the sleepover went well. i think? sacrifices all around were made. more on that in the next letter. and i think only a little of my soju went missing.
sleep said: "What kind of time frame are we looking at," and "This is just the best I can do."


almost anonymous said...

I like your love perspective, probably because mine is similar :) Though I would like to see you fall in love (grow into love?), to see how it's done, of course.

bruckner said...

You had me at Kate Winslet....

His name is Craig!! Yes, I must know. The more details the better! Would you hide anything from a doctor and expect a proper diagnosis!!!! Unburden yourself, let the details fly freely!!! We must know EVERYTHING about the sleepover. Who was wearing what? What was said and how??????

The quiet one is named Yeasl? That's the least attractive name of all-time!

I, for the life of me, can not conjure up a memory of who this Anthony person was. Is he the Anthony I know now, a pot-bellied Filipino who I yell at on occasion for being lazy and lacking any sort of forward direction in his life? Oh, I hope it is. It will give us something fun to talk about tomorrow. Many days we have nothing fun to talk about.

Anyway, weren't those parties fun? 'Good times' I believe you were fond of saying. Those were the days, back when our young uncorrupted bodies didn't take eight to ten drinks to wipe away the misery of our accumulated mistakes.

On to the matter at hand....Oh, but yes, you can fall in love in Korea. What a wasted opportunity not to!!! There is nothing more valuable, more worthwhile, more squandered than love!!!! Please, don't be so pig-headed about something so precious!!!! Consequences be damned!!! I don't care if he lives in South Africa and wants to raise a tribe of pygmies! Korean pygmies! Why NOT wake up everyday with butterflies in your stomach at the thought of seeing him? Why not day dreaming copiously about ways in which you could find yourself alone with him? You say love shouldn't be trampled on or lightly given, but it isn't as though you are on here week after week posting about one ignited fondness or another. I just DO NOT like this self-defeatist attitude. In fact, I detest it!

Look, it's true that we shouldn't give in to every single impulse. But to get to the point where you are sharing this stuff here, I've gotta feel like this is more than an impulse. This is something that has been circulating in your heart for quite some time. Something that becomes more real with each and every moment of contemplation. The only thing I can compare it to is myself. Today, I had the biggest pitch meeting of my life. Diarrhea-inducing. I knew going in that the perceived cards were stacked against me. I had all the possible ways I could fail running through my mind. I got to the point where I didn't even want to go through with. But then I realized, what does it matter if I fail? I won't lose anything. Nothing will be taken away from me. I'll be right back where I was, struggling to find a foothold in this god forsaken town. So why not go into that meeting and give it all I've got? I literally have nothing lose. All I can do is gain. All I can do is grow. And that's what you have the opportunity to do. To me, there is nothing worse than inaction. That is why I yell so much at my pot-bellied Filipino friend.

Now I have spent quite a long time on this comment. I have probably broken the blogger record. I don't want to give you any false hope about Craig. But I have been around the block a time or two. And I am a man (which I am assuming is an attribute Craig and I share). As a man (and I'm sure the same truth exists within the strange and mysterious female gender), but sometimes a true and honest expression of feelings can open one's eyes to what's been previously overlooked. It just takes a hell of a lot of courage (and sometimes 8 to 10 drinks) to do it.

Fuck, now I have to skim over all this and check my third-grade grammar.