Monday, December 17, 2012


I'm with morgan freeman if it was really him- stop watching/reading the news. I've not been for a while and it's pretty amazing. But the kids and their make mom cry scenario. Woh boy. What to say. Never. Don't you ever. Yes. It could however be turned into wes anderson genius or a poetic note in a book too. but yah. And the only reason i found out about the whole tragedy was because of FB. I woke up to a flood of voices talking about it and i was like what the hell is happening here!? And then oh, and mmm. Sad. But I didn't read any further. I don't know if i need to.

Change of topic!

Your handbells! The racist christmas lights! and Bruckner. and Love. (and currently snow/rain blowing horizontally at my window. Yah i want to go outside in that. And tomorrow is a day off. Just in time for it to get really cold and really windy. Que violins.)

Early on in bruckner's and my friendship we had many a discourse about love. I don't know if he remembers but in between shows, guarding doors, that one party where someone got ridiculously drunk, and horrible sitcom pilots- bruckner would ask me questions about love. We talked relationship and marriage. We would hold vigil over the long night hours, and I suppose it validated my existence on the lot if for one moment life was not about the scarcity of muffins, page hours or clawing our way to the top. And endeared me forever to this agitated gemini who never blogs.

Bruckner does speak the truth- I am in love. I have been feeling embraced by God. He adores me. I was taken up into His heart and much of my anxiety was laid to rest. The love of the island and of my friends swept over me one day a couplemonths ago as the rays of the setting sun entwined our shadows. I love sjt. And another named C. Who is a boy. Granted. But it's a love that sees him objectively. I see why I like him, our compatibility. Why it would never work. Why sjt has a crush on him. It makes me say, damn. Where is my man!? Where is he? A blessing and a curse of my personality. Immediate assessment and judgment. And now unfulfilled longing. It is very adventish however. Love but it has no where to go so it leeches into places and makes small inroads but...

So then on Sunday we all convened at church, fought to find a place in which to eat together, fought to find a place to go together- however I was set on the oreum Darangshi and thus the group was divided. Sjt had to give up her magic show. We made C come with us and Yeasl too and Sara. Harris, Jenna and Emily and Sean bowed out and thus the course was set. I played my advent mix. We found our way to this ridiculously steep hill in the middle of nowhere. Climbed it. Talked nonstop about faith, sex and politics. Stretched and couldn't help but make crass implications to sara about plowing fields with the korean farmer she wants to marry. Ate the last of the Christmas cookies and began to discuss what was next. Which led us to hearing about a horrible story about the other girl from the nutmeg forest (D) saved someones life but the group neglected to mention the man with the punctured lung back in september. What!? Seriously!? And a coffee shop in the middle of a village which was unbearably cool that no one ever invited me too but had just closed so we couldn't go there. And how unspeakably age-ist i've become on the island. And then sara left to go learn korean because you know...

And the remaining 4 went to dinner.Where i was promised beef. But served only pork and so couldn't eat any of it. I was remarkably calm about it. C was surprised. And was further mystified at how snarky I actually am since I'd really not been holding back all day. I guess I've been surpressing it in group outings? I don't know. Feeling aggressive more so then normal lately- lack of exercise. Which is why i refused to just go somewhere to sit down. But then he and I don't really hang out. And now that D has left we see a lot more of him. Sjt and me. So then we're at a coffee shop- and all the while we've been talking about people types. And C takes the test and he's an ENTP. I retake the test just to see. He asks (because he's obsessed with finding a wife) who his ideal partners are. This is where it gets slightly mortifying for Sjt and me. I click on the heart icon and who comes up? But me and sjt. The ever rare INTJ and INFJ. 

He said who are they? I said, well you're looking at them. NO! He says!? What!? Never. He literally shakes his head, horrified. He thinks we're too loud and argumentative and extroverted. It was horrible and funny all at once. Good thing I really a. am not heart hurting over him and b. i have a thickish? skin. (though you know now i have a grudge) Later he and i are alone and he's like- i really just like Y- the other friend who was with us who is quiet and subdued and dutiful, and has NO interest in marriage right now. I just rolled my eyes and was like i dont mean to defend my and sjt's personalities BUT we're not what you think we are. You have no idea, esp in relationships our authority isn't necessarily a bad thing. And we know the word submit and arent afraid of it. I just sighed and was like oh oh oh. Meanwhile sjt is dying inside and i'm like oh isnt that just like life. well! and on the way back from the coffee shop i'm saying 'Look sjt; walking before us our ideal man'.. i had no idea!'... even though both of us can SEE IT. and we KNOW it. She gets the joke, and he is walking blithly along with his head in the other direction bcs we're too loud and vocal and bossy. Its too much for words really, even though we both are like C- we want families, we want children, but we're not what that looks like to him. Que shaking head. Nevermind.


And thus ends this tale, not of woe but of little pay off. On a lonely road in winter with wind and snow flurries. With no one to hug but ourselves. And a love that has little expression, but should at all costs not be kept to ourselves. And so to school I go.

Tonight is a church sleepover. so obviously i should have more stories after this.

xo, M.


1 comment:

bruckner said...

I don't remember the party where someone got ridiculously drunk (increasing the likelihood that said drunkard was me). But I do remember our talks. Ah, yes, the good old days. Our two young souls bubbling over with boundless vigor, a ceaseless optimism that shaped our every word, a frenzied state of curiosity that catapulted our burgeoning beings. We were on a mission. Love and all that defines it was ready to be unlocked. The world was ours for the taking! The deepest depths of the human heart ready to be exposed!! Captain Nemo himself hadn't achieved our depths!!!

Yes, I remember those days. I may not remember a drunken party, but I remember those days.

On to the matter at hand....what a curious little blog post you've given us. C, sjt, Y, all this talking in code. In the good old days we never talked in code. This blog post is part jigsaw puzzle, part Jane Austin novel. I do find it troublesome that he likes the quiet one, as this is not you under any light (or personality test). Even if 'Y' (see how I'm playing along) has no interest in marriage, 'C' being drawn to her is going to cause you and 'sjt' some moderate to severe difficulty. As much as we try to make a science out of love, who should be with whom for what ideal reason, 'love' invariable comes down to gut instinct, that flutter in your chest, the tingling in your limbs, the warmth that threatens to melt your insides whenever they're near, that feeling you get from the mere mention of their name. But love is never without obstacles. And it always seems that the greater the love, the greater the obstacles. Maybe you aren't 'heart hurting' over him, but how many times have you written in detail about a man like this here? Something tells me he's caused more than a flutter inside of you.

If I know 'M' the way I used to know 'M' then you really might not be 'heart hurt,' but that's only because you're being resistant. There are obstacles between you and 'C.' Your heart is telling you to pursue him. But you know that if you do, there's a greater possibility of failure than success. I don't know what you should do. I don't want to see you fail. But I can't endorse you not trying either. The old Bruckner would've told you to dive in with everything you've got.