#18

Conductive hearing loss? Oh my. It reminds me of trying to get thru to my students the other day. I realized their ears just tune english out. Tune me out. It's remarkable our ability to tune things out. But anyway, I woke up with that feeling that it was Wednesday and then I looked at the blog and suddenly there it was, I went holysh*t it's Thursday! Wahoo. Look at me tuning the passage of time out. It's possible. It can totally be done. And me with only 8 1/2 wks- 59 days to go.

And the blanket- how good does that feel!? It must. Nearly epic right?

Ok but back to me, i've been remiss too- Everyday i wake up since I guess saturday and it seems much the same, so what is there to say but i mean it's not as bad as treading water. The non-stick coating on  my frying pan is starting to wear down and as much as i thought i liked lady grey tea i reject the burgamont enough to go through my ceylon and e.bfst first. But i do note I don't need sugar with it. Since i have no desire to enhance the perfumy flavor. So there's that.

I have managed to sort of cook for myself too. And am enjoying my cathy clothes. I parted with my much loved and comfortable pairs of cargo pants. Sigh. And am breaking the new pants in which are loose too. But not that ive lost any more weight infuriatingly enough. Because now that i want it and am looking at it- nothing is happening again.

I'm boring myself now. I just listened to a sermon on prayer and it was just as uninspiring. Perhaps not meant for me. And i'm sure there's something in it for me somewhere. So that my heart doesn't just slump itself forward on the table and shrivel with unkindness.

The stories to tell here, the flashy easy ones- aren't mine to tell. (Like Ms awaiting biopsy results- though living parallel to me) Or just to complain that the students again were in disbelief i bought yogurt and fruit and not stacks of meat at the grocery, seems insignificant, fits into a longer story or a list of how a teachers heart either turned to ash or gold. Or how my delinquint classes continue to pass notes and try to get me to say bad words on the board like i'm an idiot and i just give them more homework and shake my head because they can't pull it together and wonder why collectively they have such a mean careless spirit. To describe how I gave this glowing swirling orb to God that seemed like the entirity of my capacity to love and that Jesus took it- and we are sitting there together looking at -- takes concentration to tell, and how it gave me some peace. Or how it took 11months but the russian curmudgeon offered me grapes in this jarring and abrupt way just yesterday thrusting them in my face- do you want some grapes- but that we might now, have a peace together that surpasses understanding. I guess some things can change. Here's hoping. and persevering and trusting. Even in only 59days or today. Right now. IN the present moment. And not tomorrow.

I have a bus to catch.
m.

 

distractions

Oh, life. You're kind of getting on my nerves this month, I'll be honest. So after K.Lo's third doctor consecutive doctor visit, it was decided she has allergies to *something,* which is causing her ears to become plugged and then infected and then healed but never drained. Basically, she's half-deaf and has been provided with a valid medical reason for ignoring grown-ups. I half feel sorry for her and half want to send her a card of congratulations. It's every kid's dream! Anyway, we left the office with somewhat gratifying explanations for our troubles and a possibly ungratifying paper bag of sample Nasonex. I mean, is this going to fix everything? I have doubts. But the next step is tubes if infections and excess fluid persist, so I hope so.

Yesterday it was cold and rainy and I thought I'd get out of walking, but 15 minutes away in D-ville it was only misting and not quite as cold or whatever, so no such luck. Whine. Walking. Which I love, but I so did not wanna yesterday. But it was fine, and while in my car I finally managed to snap a picture of this awesome mural about the semi-famous train wreck. Which doesn't quite do it justice, as it's a snippet, but maybe you get the idea.

And this weekend, in which I was forced to do some ridiculous grocery errands on Saturday - but the shopping air was curiously calm after what I can only assume was Black Friday madness - I ended up behind Herbie! The Love Bug! There he was, on his way to Somewhere in Blairs, like me. Awesome. Between this and the scrubs-delivery truck featuring Carla Espinoza, I'm delighted by these random bits of pop culture jazzing up the countryside.

true story

It’s been my turn to blog for like 5 days and I haven’t. I've been hormonal and erratic and hiding on a hill. But look, I just finished my crocheted blanket! Nearly seven years after beginning! This is an epic occasion!

So more in the morning, I SWEAR. 

xo, 

peneloblanketed

#17

Feeling better. A day of navigating rocks. Which i found less meditative this time and way more annoying. Because they've clearly been placed there to prevent erosion and it makes the going even more laborsome. A long trail even longer. Anyway if i do it again to try and reach the top i'm for sure picking the harder but shorter trail so that if it takes me along time i'll have actually earned it opposed to watching my footing all the way down in places that shouldn't be all cragtastic and getting a crick in my neck when my right leg is already going numbish but better than before and my left upper thigh is all OMG. whine. anyway. it was still pretty good times.

I am jealous however of korean gear. Jin said it's a status thing and I'm sure it is- who has the best gear. Who has the coveted north face jacket. These people outfit up right out of a catalog. They look good, serious and professional. How can you not envy them en masse just a little? For that sort of competitive cohesiveness!?



And today looks to be beautiful. Need to find somewhere to wander and grocery shop perhaps. I'm not going to a wedding reception. So I just don't know. We'll see who's avails. Till next xo, m.


Oh and here is the Rilke Poem translated by Martina Nagel:

I live my life in ever-increasing circles
that stretch across all things.
I may not manage to complete the final circle
still I must attempt it.

I recolve around God, the tower of old,
and I spin amidst thousands of years.
Yet I remain unclear of my role--
am I a falcon,
a storm,
or a beautiful song?
 

#16 Frac.

Dear friend
...

Then on the way back from the chiro (kind of unsatisfying today), my right arm burning sore from the typhoid shot and the left arm a whimperin from the 3rd encephalitis shot, former flatmate calls to think they found a mass cancer in her lung. Taking up a quarter of one. cancer AWESOME. She's in the bathroom at the hospital sobbing not so much because it may be cancer but she can't catch a FUCKING BREAK. and I'm in a taxi on the way to school and the ctscan people are all on vacation so she cant get it checked for realzies until Monday. cancer. cancer. cancer. Also ps. they sent her a text the day before saying, U xray show chest lesion. Visit hosp...And we both were like, uh so maybe lets think that its walking pneumonia.And WTF text!? But when they found out that the mass? grew within 4months... they got all serious. And killed that hopeful vibe. She's telling me all this. I suppose it's a stroke of God that she had a 2nd ridiculous medical/racist checkup anyway otherwise when would they have found it?! And yes, let's all pray for no cancer and benign tumor. Nevermind that our medical insurance here doesn't cover cancer! And I'm like ok, bye. TTYL.

I survived work, ate a 10small chocolate almond cookies, a banana, 2 tangerines and 2 cups of tea. I'm watching cadfael and thinking i should go to bed.

Because,
Tomorrow, I'm going to get up stupid early and climb a fucking mountain.

xo you,
(love your essense)
 m.
 

thanksgiving collages w/ classically unordered captions

1. anniversary art & flowers
2. n.lo sandwich shop shenanigans
3. k.lo, the life
4. hunger games fare
5. penelo-art
6. essence of penelope

#15 turkey

I DON"T GET ANY! BOO!
why?!
BECAUSE I"M IN KOREA.
boo!

#14, Habba

Right so, let's get back on the train penolin. I feel our mutual harassment of each other waning. And i notice some day gaps that went unobserved, and you know how i appreciate wry commentary and photos superimposed with pithy captions. I'm at the coffee place. It's exceptionally good today. I suspect made with love. Or at least she seems happy, because sometimes so sad or overworked seeming. Also I'm wearing clothes that fit me, courtesy of our bestie cath. Pants that fit, tops that fit. It's pretty lovely. I may even climb mt. halla since my pants wont fall down. Conquer that extinct volcano just to say I did. The usual.

And not to drastically switch topics but just a day or two ago, it's confusing from the future, Daphne was born. They are going to be formidable sisters is all I know. FORMIDABLE. The scorpio and the aries. Nevermind the ridiculous D, D, D, D naming. Daphne and Delilah. Good Lord. Novels are written about such parrings. And just now my Grandma died. Such is the pull of time and the internet informing me. In the past what? How many days would pass of both letters coming toward me across the land and sea. As a joy replaces a sorrow or the two so close together just stand in contrast. And isn't that what books are made of really. I don't know if my grandma got my last two postcards since the first one was the most important thing to say- about the Glory of God and the coming of Christ. She got that one. Dad said she liked it? The 2nd was pondering life, a Rilke poem: are we falcons, are we storms are we the great and beautiful song- I need to send you the translation i have. It's lovely. The 3rd was about reaching eternity:  Time is rushing toward me, at the waters edge, the clouds sweep over of all the infinite places my mind and heart have gone- we have traveled far but cannot stop here- and the water- a road to the horizon- behind me, my life lived- before me, unfathomable (endless, deep) on the brink. I step. It will hold me. I will keep walking- to the hills, just beyond the dark road, to warm and welcome. I say to myself, yes, then i will rest, and the Lord will tell me all the ways in which he loved me- keep walking- I know that much.   

What else is there to say. I don't know. I didn't really know my grandma and I think everytime she saw me she saw judgement. I radiate it for good or bad for people who need convicting regardless of how much i smile or what i talk about. And possibly everytime she thought of me too I stood in inditement of her choices. Perhaps I was the argument in her head- maybe i'm placing myself too highly. I don't know. But I'm glad I was able to at least find something to say before she died. Time and distance. And then there's my grandfather to think about. He's the last elder I never knew.

And not to swing back to the here and now- but there's another what must be a regular. She never stays long but she wears these lovely grey wools, and has this amish looking cap she wears and a very subdued but colorful scarf and brown leather boots. She's fashionable in a quirky, home praire referential way and i love her quiet observing eyes and her pea colored quilted coat she wears. She's not quite the normal jeju-ite.

Anyway todays prayer before work,

Lord, today let me walk and be assured of your love and care for me. Let that sense of place and safety radiate to a gentleness and discerning eye for my students, and for compassion for those I work with and for. Put time in its proper place Lord. Don't let it run riot over my mind and heart. Let the proportioned hours be in their place and go by with peace and clarity and without grumbling fatigue.

;...

ok penolin, that's all for now.
xo,m.

hello i’m being lazy

I feel the cloud descending. I should be making an apple pie right now and prepping to make an epic cream-of-mushroom soup with all fresh ingredients. To celebrate 8! How amazing. But I wanted to lie down and take a nap in the middle of Walmart this morning so you can imagine how much more appealing that idea is here on the couch. I went for an hour-long walk this morning, which was lovely in spite of the sewage-treatment-plant smell (which the dog is currently competing with and possibly winning, omg). And then after the walk it was errand time and I was starving and it was just sensory overload and shutdown. That place has officially graduated from the 2nd to the 8th circle of hell and will remain that way until January. Like I just want to pick out a box of tissues without 5 people crowded around picking out their tissues, or picking their noses or whatever. Ugh.

So Christmas will soon be upon us and I’m sure I’ll muster some enthusiasm in the coming weeks but at present it’s like can’t we slow it down a little. I’m not ready for all that. And the elf on the shelf idea makes me want to stab out my eyes. Twenty-four days of that mess! Ugh.

So one day at a time, which we’ll mark by food. Today, soup, salad and apple pie. Tomorrow, a black-bottom pumpkin pie for the day after that. With turkey and more! And then a bonfire on Friday night. And a reception on Sunday with like 500 cookies or something after Children’s Sabbath. But ohmygosh that seems impossibly far away and impossibly too soon all at once.

About that nap: yes/no? Pie? Oh, okay. Fine, sigh.

xo,

pen

#13

Potatos frying. Steam wafting from the tea. The typical thoughts circulating. Like needing a rest from the weekend, that wouldn't end, but knowing work won't be that restful but then thinking well maybe it will be... It started restful. A relaxing Saturday morning. Then out to cityhall to meet two peeps from church at mcdonalds. We altered our plans because the weather was bad on this side of the island- we ended up going back to the stoneartmuseum and this crater- paying $5 each time. As you know i love the museum but that crater- waste! So then we drove down south just because someone needed to go shopping there- it's an hour. p.s. And then when i said coffee and we suggested dinner the person (diff one) had no idea where to take us even though they live there because they never eat out. So we were just like uh, i guess we'll uh eat these horrible pastries and then go back north to eat? I dont know. You know how I get a little batty when people don't have opinions or backbones or places for me to eat or get coffee. J and I both collectively were like holyshit this is too much. But we smiled and then overreacted by eating at outback steak house- and i had a delicious austrailian beef salad for $19 which is ridiculous. And then i was suppose to go to this going away thing but digesting all the meat and i think the whole day finally got to me.

Day number two was church, praying for the congregation which was a first for me on the island, fresh fruit (because they want to celebrate thanksgiving early here) and then a decadent lunch followed by wandering on the westside of the coast, hiking up an oerum, and getting delicious handdrip coffee. Though it got dicey after lunch when after getting us to the coast we suffered from another leadership vacuum and more wandering whereupon i decided we'd go up this random oerum and then to find the coffee spot. I always forget. In groups. I don't know why. But suddenly it's like we're drifting until someone says we're going here and doing X. Otherwise the group literally just floats there and the more voicey ones of us (me) keep asking what are we doing? Where are we going? But it doesn't occur to me to just lead the group until it does. Whatever. It was an odd day. Dashes of transcendence and melancholy. We ended up having conveyor belt sushi after and praying for one another in this friends car for a couple hours. there are more off air thoughts here so remind me to tell you about them. I can't quite articulate since i have 5 minutes to catch the bus. Maybe i'll catch the later one. I dont even have a dinner plan. But still I feel it'll take longer to explain the sort of fullness in my heart. It's like when you drink someone elses pain maybe. Or just love. Maybe that's all that needs to be said. Filled with love. A little heavy, a little in need of a wide open expanse.


 

#12

Dear Friday,

Please don't suck my will to live. Please go slow and quickly at just the right times. Help me Jesus, show the sort of love I should show to you. The non-wrathful, non-judgmental kind. The patience, and perseverence kind even as it rolls to 840pm and the coughing becomes nonstop sort of incessance. And because of the coughing my body temp rises and my forehead becomes hot and the kids are all slumped and blurry eyed and i'm on my last sip of water. We are all, Jesus, waiting for bed. A second mighty wind. Something.

xo, m.

 

discuss

I always, always misspell apocalypse and yesterday when I posted, I right-clicked on the word to spell check, which brings up this long mini-window of options. So then when I chose the correct spelling, this "apocalypse" remained. Nothing else. And it's on my screen, just like that, in every single program, window and tab. So imagine looking at a given Facebook post and seeing "apocalypse" plastered over it. Or any spot on our blog. On an email. On the draft of this very post! It's part oddball, part creepy-wha?-prophetic? and also HILARIOUS. Eventually, I'll restart the computer to get rid of it, but not just yet. 

#11 Right Right Right

Yes, so.

$2 socks on, hildegard playing, eating frozen strawberries (yes!), lady grey at my side, incessant coughing (check) and vietnam materials at the ready (book, passport, wallet).... as yet- tickets unpurchased. Why? I can't seem to get the headspace because of the job and the incessant coughing to see my way to buying a ticket. Everytime so close. Hours spent clicking on sites checking options. Like for instance- tickets to Hanoi for $393 IF i spend a 20 some hour layover in China. Or more alluring $451 for a ticket to Saigon only that's not where i'm starting my trip and it gets in near midnight. And tickets up to Hanoi RT are running $288. The train will take 30-40 hours but it's only going to be about $110 then. What. Anyway. So all that to say I just need to pony up the $677-$715 and fly in to hanoi at a decent time- not 21:00 or 23:00 at night which seems to be what the cheap flights are offering.... anyway when i type it out the solution to me is fairly clear. Stop trying to save a few hunderd bucks and get it done. BUt still.

So then just now i started another bowl of frozen strawberries and another tea- english breakfast- and steeled myself to purchase and then they dont take amex. i just ugh. whatever. not tonight.

I think i'm going to the doctor tomorrow. And then the chiropractor and if i'm sorted out by then well maybe i'll buy tickets then. So for now- i'm going to prop myself up on some pillows and go to bed.

Ugh myself. That's how i feel. I had so many other things to say but one of my last nyquil is kicking in.  I even closed this window without clickng publish.... FAIL.

prompted 2

My favorite drink on any day is… because…

Black coffee. I’m sure that’s a cliché, but how many drinks are there to choose from anyway. I don’t love drinks with an excess of calories (empty!) or chemicals, and as an added bonus, coffee often makes me want to use jazz hands.

I also like water, and wine, and occasionally shots of spirit. The latter two of which do have an excess of calories (useless!), but much as I’d like, it wouldn’t be socially acceptable to suck them down all day long anyway. Coffee on the other hand is very socially acceptable. I have no idea what I’ll do during the apocalypse. I imagine people will barter for beans for awhile, but eventually that will run out and in the meantime the price will be high. Like you’ll have to hand over your children (who will be used for meat) or something. And then I’d have to choose between coffee and children and that would be a crisis. Also, do you like what I did there with “shots of spirit?” I chose spirit because I didn’t want to list out tequila and whiskey and marshmallow-flavored vodka, the last of which I usually have over ice anyway. And spirit is a good word, especially coupled with shot.

 

Today Bug, who has no apparent ruptured eardrum, but all symptoms pointed that way, and both are still infected regardless, stayed home from school because the new antibiotics are making her sick. #cannotwinforlosing #omgifshedoesntgobacktoschoolsoon

 

Next prompt: Today the weather is…

Sunny and chilly. Frankly I could use another gray, bitter day to wallow in. You’re too happy out there, sky!

 

Last prompt: Are you in Narnia? Yes/No, Why/Why Not?

No, I don’t think so. It’s not that I don’t see magic in the world, but surroundings are very concrete and nonmythical of late. The lice didn’t talk to me, tell riddles, serve me tea (thank God?!). I’ve been to Narnia before and the next time I go there I’ll have to travelogue. But at the moment I’m here, grounded, and maybe even grinding my teeth.

 

Now it’s totally your turn…

prompted

In all my distraction I forgot to answer your writing prompts, provided when I had nothing to talk about, but then I did. And still do, although it’s really more whining about taking poor K.Lo to the doctor/Target AGAIN because her ears haven’t healed. In fact I think her eardrum might have ruptured, but we’ll see this afternoon. Oh and I have a giant, invisible (and thusly un-poppable) pimple under my nose, the kind that hurts enough to require ibuprofen. Geez.

Anyway.

I cook my eggs this way… because…

Over-easy, usually, and the yolk has to be runny, although that’s sort of an unfortunate descriptive word for food. Why not make it sound more attractive. Two eggs over one slice of toast and lately I’ve been adding a little salt and a lot of pepper while cooking because that makes it awesome. And Mike B. cooked our eggs that way when we visited in September, and was concerned we’d be horrified, but instead I was entranced. Spicier eggs! Also, when J.Lo made me these eggs over the weekend and I added a dash of siracha, which is perhaps even more appealing than Texas Pete. Maybe it’s a tossup, dependent on one’s mood. The degree of spice contained therein. Oh and over the summer I sometimes add a slice of garden tomato on top. Why, to all of this? Mainly texture I imagine. Layers of flavor – salt sweet savory spice – and palatal interest.

Shiz, I have to go pick up the Bug. The rest of the prompts forthcoming.

you’re soo right

It is my turn. Here I am. Louse-free. K.Lo was sent home Friday afternoon and there was even more nit-picking and I wanted to weep copiously and then off myself. That futility of these tiny pests having anypowerwhatsoever to shape your world. And the thought of nevergettingthemall. It’s maddening. But ultimately it was a little empowering? ONLY because while I loathed every facet of the experience, dealing with headlice has been a fear like, nearly 30 years in the making. The dread of it. The what will I do and OMGITWILLBESOGROSS. And it is gross. There’s nothing not gross about it. I mean the more detached part of me can see the unfortunate animalistic fact of them and shrug it off. Pluck them from each hair strand emotionlessly and flush them away. But yuck, the way they are suited so particularly to the environment of a human head. I do feel like pinpointing their weaknesses and taking them out at the microscopic knees is somewhat satisfying, and count it as a blessing that they even have these weaknesses to exploit. Like not living long on surfaces. And being easily suffocated and/or chemically destroyed. Because you know, some bugs. Some bugs are much more resistant little effers. And I still quake a little thinking of ever dealing with those – scabies, pin worms, various parasites – but this. I can cross this one off the list.

Not that I ever want to deal with it again. Ever.

And so help me if that nurse (who was very sweet, but in this instance she’s sort of cast as the enemy by default) has to call me again.

Otherwise. I’m reading seven books simultaneously and the thought of that makes me squee. It’s exciting to have one’s mind wrapped around so many interesting worlds at once. But not feel taxed, overspent. More at liberty to run this way or that. I finished HG1 and am on to HG2. I picked up another that Cath was unsure if I’d like, but she read it straight through and suggested it anyway. It’s one of those Extremely Quirky Character books wherein the person is an agoraphobe, a person-phobe, an everything-phobe. But it’s satirical and smart and goodstuff. Also, second read of HG, maybe because I know the outcome, but I’m more fully-fledged Team Boy with the Bread. Before I could have cared less about the teams. But now he’s her dandelion. And I care enough to choose. Bookclub with foods from each district is on Friday night, suggestions? Mainly all the ideas I can find center on District 12 and the Capitol. And there was one mention of Caesar Flickerman salad. But I’d like to get a little more creative, like what could I make to represent the power district, or the lumber district. But please do not suggest putting pine bark in soup.

Well anyway. Things to do. I may post some pictures as well, though mine are muchmore random, dictated by photo-a-day more than anything. I might be in a lull. It was those damn nits, I blame the nits! But we are soldiering on.

On a bit of a Spree,

Babycakes, pretty sure it's your turn. I mean yes allegedly you have some extermination issues, (i meant this in both senses knowing i think what i know now, because i am psychic...) but woman i gave you an assignment (narnia, was a challenging place too). Pull up your bootstraps and let's blog on sister! (catchy no? i totally feel mean now but i have to leave it here.)

Right now i'm eating some choco-almond cookies and drinking tea and watching Once, and trying not to retroactively sink into mourning the mondayz of today with that ill feeling of excess cookie eating. It isn't working. I stopped myself almost in time. And after the car renting, vase making, oerum climbing, mug painting, delicious sam-gye-tang eating, 2 bad lattes, sinus rhinitis, a wind storm, mcdonalds, groceries, basket theft, shorts haggling, dongmoon rotary wandering, and staying up late i was ready for the weekend to end because well becauSE. I'm tired. And i stayed up way too late.

 I'll stop here and wait for you to respond. And drink my hot water, because I keep doing that sad cough cough of the non-productive but irritated variety. And of course I came home and was like, yah right, i'm not going to YOGA. And why for the life of me do i keep staring at the clock! Stop it.

Random list:
-6 people have told me they felt lonely. SIX.
-CD was skipping a bit so i took it out to inspect it in the car of epic wandering and much expense, and then it refused to be acknowledged like the car broke up with it. I was so sad.
-seriously those lattes sucKED.
-i'm excited about my shorts. they rock.
-i needed to feel normal this weekend and just GO. it was worth it.
-pictures forth coming in a mome in the usual places.
-budgets and ticket purchasing forthcoming. one can hope.

xo, your turn to assign me. not assignate me. that's different.

#9

I thank the Lord the week has veritably flown by in my mental imagination. Though let me tell you last night, I interrupt the students for talking- i am such a bad teacher- and Eun hee is like teacher, no, i'm telling a story about a student who die. What happened, I ask. Teacher, two friends at ara..highschool. The one girl, say let's both jump. on the ... do you know what is this? Yes, the roof, the ledge. Yes. (they are always surprised at how much i understand sometimes) Of school building. Why!? Scorecards perfect teacher, 80 and above in all subjects. So, we don't know. So, they are there. But her friend, she afraid. And she step down, and girl, while she falling, looking up, they see each other. Eyes. Looking, so she know. And friend she-- what is this-- faints. Yes, teacher, faints, and girl she die, knowing that her friend didnt' die with her. Yes, teacher. (Preceding this was one of my favorite students, Young-bin, asking me, teacher why is life so hard. And i pointed to the head and how it made trouble for us... (the heart also) but there was a gulf where no words of mine could cross.) So sad. Other students, Chin-cha!? (Seriously!/Really!) Heads nodding. And the tragedy of the two friends making eyecontact is so haunting and perfectly part of the korean drama. i don't know... Ok! Well let's go on to discuss descriptive words and the beauty of jeju...!

I was going to actually babble about more upbeat things. But i've managed to damper my own spirits just now even though i just licked the mug containing my delicious caffe latte. Inexplicable. Well ok understandable. But still. Ok list of things i'm looking forward to: pay-day, maybe some volleyball, a package from mom, maybe miscellaneous car rental for the weekend just because oh and to help Meaghan move... Or maybe next weekend, and purchasing ticket to vietnam on saturday after the paydaying goes through. Paying bills. Needing to start a list related to things not to miss now that i'm leaving. I've had further meditations on intimacy as related to the poem, but have no place to put them right now. And what else?

I had another class, suddenly (the girls of course), erupt into accusatory- Do YOU KNOW JEJU! They're only like 12 yrs old maybe? or maybe younger? I can never keep it straight.

These girls, I've come to love the class as a whole, but I am a little bit scared of them. There's 8 students now evenly divided and the girls were about to make me walk the plank. And i asked them- well what about jeju? Do I like it? What? And then i proceeded to list places i knew and the korean food i liked. And then they quizzed me about where places were. It seemed to satisfy them. Mullify them maybe? I don't know. Something's in the water this week. Or always but it just came to the surface. The same class that was talking about suicide made an inditement against the new k teacher that to end up here must mean that her education was very bad. There are sometimes that I wish i understood more and there are sometimes i dont want to hear at all. I'm sure that's with life across the board really. As vulnerable and ignorant as kids are they can be stupid and cruel. (STO) Stating the obvious. There i go again. It's just going to be that way isn't it. Back forth. Back forth.

And then there's headlice to add insult to injury. Having to sacrifice the sublime of handbells to the mess of infested hair. I shake my head exalting in the blue sky and wincing at the wind tattered leaves.

m.

photo miscellany

"Magnifying glass," by K.Lo

#whydidtheyhavetobreakup #why

can you even see the speck?

not to be nit-picky

Except, oh wait. That's what I spent all day doing. Picking nits off a child's head. And the worst part, aside from their nightmarish grossness, is not knowing whether you got it all. What will the school nurse say tomorrow. Will we spend another day futilely combing section after section of hair, holding it up to the sunlight or the flashlight depending, seeking microscopic specks and attempting to dislodge them?

Just, ugh.

And don't even get me started on my own Paranoid Itching. I nearly doused my own head with the disgusto-shampoo jic, but then it seemed gratuitous, like I should wait and see. Rather than burning off my scalp for maybe no reason.

So anyway. I am zonked. Having a slight pity-party over missing bells practice. Mourning the apparent, inexplicable breakup of The Civil Wars. Celebrating my counted vote. (Hurrah!) It's all very exhausting.

today!

#8.5

Blogging interrupted by yoger not being open when i needed it to be. I needed it and it let me down. Not open til 12. Whatever?! Til tomorrow you.

oh hello

I feel slightly off-kilter at the moment, but I'm sure it's related to the time change, which I imagine you're not experiencing, because who does that elsewhere. No one. So now I can't remember if we're 13 hours apart again, or is it 11 or 14? Anyway, I played hand chimes this morning. And it really was an easy and manageable song. And I purchased a scarf from the Ladies Who Knit. And I might have promised that I'd start knitting on Thursdays once the new year started. WhatEVer. But I do like the colors and the length of this scarf, it's all very happy.

Mainly your blogpost made me laugh (affectionately). First of all you were totally cute in that horrible uniform. Also, I don't know that you don't want to work, ever, but I feel like you do want to be inspired no matter what you're doing. You want that flow, which I was listening about on an audiobook today. Where you're engaged at an optimal level and you're doing the work for its own sake and hours pass and you don't even realize it. All in a good way. And so perhaps teaching does hold that for you, I could see that in you, but there's so many variables I would imagine? to teaching. Subject matter has to matter, as does the context of your classroom and its students. You're not exactly in an ideal scenario here. Not that I don't admire and applaud your ex-pat-ing/adventuring/exploring new worlds/stretching your personal limits, because all of that's amazing. But ESL...little twits...tyrannical administration...it's mud and it's muck and not exactly conducive to flourishing. There are these things to consider. For the future. And even the present.

Re: custom underwear, I feel maybe yes? How crazy is that driving you. I went shopping for a few new clothes yesterday and none of my things have been fitting lately, and these new clothes fit and I must say it's completely lovely and worth it, to have some non-ill-fitting clothes.

I feel like maybe we should video-chat in the morning? or I'll at least continue this post after some sleep and coffee. All coherent thoughts are dripping out of my skull. Oh! but I did love your coffee picture from earlier. Yoger. I love how their little icon is not dissimilar to SBux.

xoxox

a favorite breakfast

hand chimes

sunday morning 

#photochallenge #color

#8

ok i love pro run-allstars. but of course peach it's like you know- anyway. It’s like why?
and what else. and that first challenge was just heinous i felt.

this weekend was good. slightly restless, the kind of days that remind me it's good to rest but then also remind me that i have nothing to do here. And regret not bringing my jewelry supplies. Whatever!Self. Get over it. And if I come back then I think well? And then?

And i don’t know I’m a little freaked out by 2004 us. Like who are they?! Though you do look really cute... I’m not so sure of me, flashbacking on the hideous uniform and of course will always remember our kiefer encounter. OMG. I felt like such an asshole. And I didn’t mean it that way.

Today, someone asked if i thought teaching was a profession i liked and i still STILL can’t make up my mind. It doesn’t inspire me. It’s something I can do. But what flew out of my mouth after the uhhh, was, let’s be honest, i don’t want to work. (In the professional sense and then) I want to be a wife and a mom. I keep stopping there. And then i doubt that it flew out of my mouth, because it seems made up and maybe i'm just being counter-cultural. And i think about it for like an hour afterward. I mean i would settle for not working at all. I guess? And then? And so? And i add in the tag about the artist part- but it’s like i don’t want it enough. As we’ve brought up before I don’t feel any ambition brewing. Still. And motherhood shouldn’t really be an answer to that. And then going through life with this attitude leaves me thinking i really will be an expat on some island somewhere fucking around for the rest of my life... but more like I’m skipping out on debt and I’ve changed my identity. I feel slightly pathetic? And ok, nervous. Not trusting. I’m sure God has something more interesting planned. Right? Like even at the end of office space that guy found some peace and he was all, fuckin’ A. And it all ended ok. If I can go to Vietnam with Jesus I can certainly find the rest of the way with Him also. I just need to remember that. I live in a different world and a different place that won’t be conformed to anybody or anything even if i really want it to.

Anyway i'm going to go sit in somehotwater and zone out somemore and then watch some tv or listen to that audiobook that cath put on DB. Tomorrow... work. Maybe i'll go for a hike up the oerum or I dont know. My next question is about getting a wardrobe handmade for me in vietnam and if i should wait to buy underwear of buy it now when i have a job. So far that's the sort of list i have going.

m.
　

　
　
　

#7.5

Close, I am close.
At my ear. Your breath at my ear.
Your strength around my body.
Lifting me up, out of the depth,
i drip down to, eat of.
You make me smile, despite.
Feeling wholly yours.
Involved.
Entwined.
Intimate.
It creates in me a longing for
wholeness here, I scarcely see
in the moment you lift me.
I am exalted.
This is new.
It puzzles. Compels,
I feel you love me so closely.
In your heart, you can feel.
Taken up, your pursuit of me.
My eternal heart.
My soul.

so here we are

all fresh-faced and 2004. 

It's funny because I remember I hadn't felt like washing my hair, 

so I shoved it into a ponytail and felt a little grungy 

but 8 years later I'm like, aw. 

And I still have/wear that jacket and scarf. 

Whether that's sad I don't know. 

But these were the Paramount days. 

When you took me to the Dr. Phil show and then on a mini-tour 

and we saw Oscar statues and a Titanic dress or two and what's-his-face-from-24 basking in the sun. 

Ha ha mwah.

Kiefer!

Bender. 

She's 10 now, or so we have decreed, 

since her actual birthday was never known. 

The children insist on presents for the fur-creatures 

and so she got a new collar. 

Which I kind of love. 

Still crazy as ever, that Bender. 

And she has two lumps, which I haven't talked about. 

Bailey has three or more. 

Bailey's are not attached, Bender's are. 

I don't know what it means and don't like to ponder. They're old, those dogs. 

Augh, time.

Today's photo-of-the-day was "starts with 'c," so mine was CS Lewis, 

whose full name I cannot get over. 

CLIVE STAPLES. 

What! 

Staples! 

I've begun again. 

It does kind of put the movie to shame. 

Even though I love the movie, too.

Gummy eyeballs are a little creepy.

CANDY.

Another photo-of-the-day: Clothes.

That car crash, ripped from the newspaper. See? Obliterated. 

I do tend to fixate and need to move on, clearly, 

but it still does give me the occasional shivers. 

I managed to not only remember that my car's state inspection was due, 

but forced myself to schedule it on time. 

Grown-up merit badge! Sewing it my sash. Anyway. 

Blessedly, the car passed. Remember last year, when it didn't? And I was at Shady McShaderson's fine Goodyear establishment and narrowly escaped like a few hundred dollars later? That was terrible. 

So anyway, the universe made up for that one at the Honda dealership with 

fresh-popped popcorn, free bottled water, a bowl of fresh fruit, candy and soda if I had wanted it, 

and an inexplicable free mini-mani for Wednesday-Ladies-Day. What? I know. 

It's a CAR PLACE. 

But I'm not complaining at all. My nails still feel lovely.

Another photo-a-day, which was on Monday, which was moon, 

which was absolutely not happening in the midst of Frankenstorm. 

So I asked K.Lo for a book with the moon, and she delivered in 30 seconds flat. 

Thanks, K.Lo! 

And look how nicely they clean up, those little ones. Aw. 

#7 or 6.5??