Monday, December 20, 2010


if you're my mom and reading this, i will be complaining about christmas, as i always do, year after year. you don't have to read it. you are my christmas all year round. all the best parts.

there's something about x-mas pen, that i wish i could carry the burden of by myself. but whenever it comes to it i stand at the threshold and can't. i need a family. i need a loving father. i need someone to put up the christmas lights with me and i want it to be a big deal when the angel is the last thing on the tree. mom always used to put up stockings and i do recall treats for santa, and the insatiable desire for gifts was always there. so that's not it. its not mom- the fudge was there, the cookies, the skinny nordic pancakes, and all the christmas treats. but there have never been any stories, or any songs or any movies, or any mirth. no rituals but mine. and a definite absence of jesus. mom does like to look at lights- dad too. that was always nice. but there is never any warmth by the fire of togetherness. which is why christmas has always been a lonely place for me. its the same over and over about christmas eve alone with my hostile teenage brother, every adult playing pinochle, and me bored out of my mind, listening to the dullest jazz on earth, looking at the tree that is dressed identically the same every year, on the same brown carpet, and the same painfully uncomfortable couch. to my dads side that offered no relief, filled with cousins i never played with to aunts and uncles equally alienating to unfriendly, boisterous and loud, and tasty food but just as isolating. same/same. it's all a wash in my perception. ah remember that one year i got to be somewhere else for christmas? that was nice. i did make a stand this year (another one) and say i was going to the christmas eve service at church instead of going over to my aunt/uncles- but then its just one more piece of evidence to say i'm walking this path alone, and the family i do have i'm rejecting outright. the jesus thing is a pretty important factor and a lack of spiritual leadership in the family on top of a lack of overall non-leadership, and non-faith, and non-warm friendliness leaves them in a desolation and me needing to seek solace somewhere else for my own safety.

ll said the other day that i should pick things that are meaningful to me and do them. its hard though when you automatically start a process of internal detachment almost completely out of my control. its hard to rally. the necklaces have really really been a help. i am feeling, as i probably said, very adventish. i will say though equally every year something keeps ripping through. as i equally pull back another part of me is straining for the tree, and the lights and the decorations and the presents and maybe one year, it'll push back early enough where i can have enthusiasm for all those things. instead of gasping toward the decorations and not even able to conceive of gifts. but this year we got advent necklaces, and the pillows out i made last year and a final push for decorations right on the 11thhour- maybe next year it'll be lights, gifts, and cards for everyone. i don't want christmas to = sad, lonely, depressed, despairing, and fretful, but it does. and my attempts sometimes successful = internal optimism, abiding in jesus, knowing the abundance i do have. and i can start early on spreading the joy and goodwill and tidings and what not next year. and be a voice for that myself. we'll see. maybe i'll get into gluten-free baking...
anyway how's your fallen arch? make sure you're not favoring the outside of your foot too much cuz that caused mine some serious trouble after the fact. i'm finally doing better in that dept. it doesn't seem fair you're now having to hobble around. i think i might be getting sick or something in sympathy to you but at heart i don't really accept it. *sniff.
also unrelated i'm jealous of your internet saavy.
oh and wait, what? propane heat? what?
well nevermind, i hope you have a fabulous christmas in this foreign environ you're in. and i do love that santa is a hot mess. sans the you getting knocked around part. you're having a tough time with the various plagues and upsets, and i'd rather you not be having a tough time. maybe we'll get a girls weekend in chicago come feburary... or march? or... i don't know.
otherwise i've been knocking stuff off my madeuplists- buttons sewn onto dress, check. b/w checkered dress DONE (never to alter another dress AGAIN), decorations up (maybe make some garland)... there was some other stuff. i bought a new sheet set for my bed... golden rod. daring i know. i only have the one set oddly and it disintigrated- frayed, ripped and there it went. i will take pics. so when i went to see blackswan (crazy and fucked up lets be honest- but you know i appreciate a somewhat interesting insight into the descent into madness and in my mind demonic oppression but whatever), i went and got them along with overdoing it and getting a frap when it was cold and rainy out- which its been like, for like- days. days! so crazy for CA. i embrace it though. fits my mood and i get to use my fancy yellow umbrella. but lets again be clear- i don't have any MONEY. stop it. i mean i needed the sheets. and i wasn't going to get microfiber sheets. i mean they make it sound alluring but i'm suspicious. so i went for the fancy from london made in india 310 threadcount sheets in a strange color... why not. i gotthematross. $16. so if i can't pay my phone bill for january that's why. besides the no-job thing. but one thing at a time. anyway there's more in there somewhere- i was social AGAin last night, so count that a success against all odds i went... i've got to stop watching so much intervention besides, the office was interesting, i keep missing new eps of everything, i want a kitten, and a puppy, and a butterscotch lollipop, and a new bass fish air freshener for lolly, and i want to break the cloud looming over my head and read more books and listen to some christ-mas music, and to play clue with you, and finish the epiphany necklaces and load stuff on etsy and watch another episode of deadwood. i'll prioritize from there. i totally need to go eat lunch.

there goes the's me bearhugging my tree. i love you tree.


almost anonymous said...

Hooray for your decorations.

Unrelated to your post, the white text on gray/black background is doing freaky optical illusions while I read.

You know those ones where you look one place and see a gray dot or whatever out of the corner of your eye, but it's not really there? Like that.

There must be enough difference between my monitors at work and home that it is more obvious at home.

hugs to you said...

Heart you.
Look at that, I read the whole post, even tho' you warned me.

pen said...

loooove the tree. and the necklaces! which are even more fantastic up close.

i don't want christmas to be a despairing time for you or anyone, ever. i hang onto traditions although i can and do sometimes feel those threads of despair and like i need someone to come visit and be all, HERE is the true meaning of christmas.

shiz, we've got to arrange for that feb trip before i lose my $. remind me.

Andria said...

tree is beautiful! And necklaces, too. Sorry this is a sad time of year for you - so much to celebrate

Danica said...

Well, I can help you with the butterscotch sucker, which you can have if you come over tomorrow.