twenty-ten

The fact I had to go back through the blog and review should tell you about the haze in which i walk 2010. Part of me can't comprehend that NewYork and Seattle happened within the same culturally defined 365 days. But onward to the critique. I don't know what to say about you 2010. Certainly my friends are done with you and on their behalf you lose marks- and currently I am in the grief of being in the world and all the tragedy and grizzlyness of it all. I did remind myself that biblically speaking we are somewhere warned to look toward the light and not the dark. So there's that. But i have to say, what a strange year.

First off the shadow cast over all of you is my relationship with the EDD. It hasn't been the most positive relationship ever. A little overdramatic. A few close calls, do we end it, do we not. As I sat watching that thin and pallored tuba player shuffle his last at the end of the RoseParade I certainly didn't think we'd be here. The day was warm, and we saw the tuba being put in the back of a van and knew he hadn't made it. But it'd been a year and we were still together. There was that break I took from July to Sept, but then we got back together and i thought ok but we didn't even make it through November and there was trouble again, and because I put spins on things, I'll totally call the EDD bailing me out through March a Christmas Miracle. Which it is. But lets be honest, this relationship won't last. You're going to leave me. You're totally not really good for me in the long run, and you and i both know we have to part ways. But at least we have 3 months to divide up our belongings and talk it out and come up with a plan and lists. I'm not saying we still can't be friends, but really I know it's going to be a while. And running through this like a thin but steel-cabled anxiety is what exactly AMI going to do when the parents move out? Things keep weirdly getting delayed which makes me think something is coming around the corner, whether a husband or a job--- i will i wonder, will I? soon be married to something? or will i be walking this tighrope of getting over you for another who knows how long? Jesus what are you up to? I mean thats the thing- about this whole year really- I think you've got my best interest at heart but man, where is this all heading?

The other thing that I could've done without was my friendship with neurosis and allergies. You have ruled me. And I've had to set up some firm boundaries to keep you at bay. Soy-lecithin, whatever the fuck you are, really does make me break out in hives for whatever reason but so does other random things I have no idea what I ate, when I ate it. It's annoying. Please, and the I might be allergic to strawberries? You've got to be kidding me. What the fuck body? 2011 better have some answers is all i'm saying. And I'm going to bring up the random shoulder pain and heel tragedy of the left side, right now. The upside again, 2010, you're lucky I'm sunny because over the summer i relearned to walk and i found myself doing chattaranga in a safe and non-hazordous to my shoulder way- lesson learned. Ok. I got IT. You don't need to keep reminding me. Since then you've done nothing for my waistline and whatever is going on with my twinging right quad has got to stop. You get marks for improving my neck but that was more Jesus and less you but still I'm going to be generous. 2011 i'm going to need to see the downslope.

Twenty-10, you did give me the word "erratic". I'd had it from before but i embraced it as my own. I am erratic. I had no idea how much it would define me through the year. The fact that I several times went the wrong way on a one-way street, pretty much sums that shit up. You know, that old woman wagging her evil finger at me, like a dare to my rebellious and defiant ways and i was like, what? and off i went. The one counter to that came in February when I got the HolyDays commission. That has been a solid gold thread of obedience and blessings, even when I noted in January that I needed to cut up my credit card. (There was a drawing with flames and a pitchfork right next to it.) I'll get back to that in a minute. That commission gave this year its title. The year of necklaces. There is no way to escape what an impression, what a labor that has been. It blows all the other to-do lists out of the water.

However, March was fairly volatile after erratic got stuck to my back. So I don't know 2010. I pretty much agree that it was for everyones benefit but shitman- why can march be summed up by Ghosts? The highs of the shooting range and fondue, to a russian orthodox funeral, and the bare trees of a yet arrived spring. Pen and I did do that ghost tour, where we both smelled that musky smell of wet wool, but then her grandma olga died, and i made that drive into NY into the guts of harlem, and death stayed right at my door step as I arrived at the Olga to see Joanna into her lovely new digs. It did bring the money thing to a head. I got speared in the gut by Condemnation and still haven't quite shaken the attack but it drove me deeper into praying things and healing so whenever I think about it i do this with my hands (up the scale goes, down the scale goes, levels out). But there's still a chill in the air whenever I wonder about that whole trip. Despite that there was some real beauty to all the pain and loss, I won't deny. Walks through central park and opera and being serenaded at a piano bar, the cloisters, klo's first tea, and books on tape, and dreams foreboding and wondrous dreams.

By April 2010 the emotional meltdown thing came to a 2nd smaller crescendo. So again, 2010- really? I've never been really fond of sobbing and yet here i am again. Breaking up with Biola. I mean I get that the two of us didn't belong together, but was the crime scene necessary? So, so grim. And that woman! I can't shake her. What a harbinger. She might has well had a scythe and black cape. I get it ok. And just like march there was an upswing- warrior dash, the card "not all who wander are lost", quinoa, acupuncture, and the healing rooms of anaheim vineyard, and a trip to Chicago, oh but then there was my first ever visual migraine!.

And though by May i was completely frustrated that I wasn't 100% good at everything, especially engineering, i was visited by that Jay nomenclature and that most awesome jumping spider with the metallic pincers- and after my birthday I got to rub mud all over my body and dry out in the sun and I had some awesome korean food. And the summer with its trips to the beach and I got to meet Ash in person, just confirming the fact I've known her my whole life anyway. And my brother visiting which, oh geez. About time 2010. About time. But that's not your fault. You did facilitate the quasi-bathroom renovation of June. But hello, its now end december and are there any tiles in my Epiphany stocking? I highly DOUBT IT.

Then ok, remember the break from July-Sept. I finally began to confront, again, the fact that I am 34 and I am not ok with being a PA. Still. I am not ok with the industry. I am not ok with E! And yes in the meantime (beyond the spiral of this year) I had awesome danica outings, a trip to ventura with Sarah, wandering through Ojai with Kerry, got better at wii tennis- and I got my new name- One of the Judges (seriously revelatory)- the nigerians hacked my email account, my prayer council began a colossal meltdown, i was promised a jesus sculpey but it hasn't come 2010. (I mean I'm just saying.) By October I was exhausted by all these random highs and lows. The fidji shoes which still kick ass. Going to seattle...gluten free bread and icecaves... but then Zep dying. What is with the back and forths!

By November I finally started using my IPOD that I got in January. I went on that awesome spiritual retreat- total highlight. Downside? Yes. Jesus asking me to examine my loneliness- no-thank you. Of course He knew I needed an xbox video game obsession to get through that. You've got to be kidding me. And doing the math on how old the rest of my animals are- don't do it. Bad idea. They're all going to be dead in the next 2 years. Suck it! And lets talk about it, i broke up with my creditcard. Yes we've been having an affair, on and off since like 2001. And its way out of hand. I might as well be straddling Satan in a seedy strip club in van nuys. I so had to end it. What a fucking foothold. Needless to say it has not come without some consequences. The game setting was at easy. It zoomed past normal to Hard. And my gut can't quite stop doubling over and gasping for breath. It's shaky to say the least. And no, there's no way I can stop talking about it. Shiver. And then as we know the epic doldrums of Advent... Oh and then the day after Christmas thieves broke into my parents new garage and stole $8000 worth of stuff.

Anyway I've gone on too long in my quest to be almost thorough with you 2010. And I'm still at a loss. What the fuck was your deal? Dude, I don't even know. But then i remember all the prophesies and dreams and conversations. And there's got to be something happening here in this manic episode called 365days. I wonder. I sort of marvel at it. And in my landscape I'm getting drenched with rain on my way down the mountain.

So see you 2010. Some how you were a turning point, a brutal agony, a battle, a carcass, a field springing to life, a song, a dirge, a knife through the ribs, a bliss overlooking the kingdom, a flower facing the sun. I cannot tell you.

m.