Horace and Mimi

And so it begins...

You know how i said that thing about the thing being almost too good to be true. Wait, did I? well that thing that i've been doing for the last specified period of time- it's happened- the first occurance to what my gut has been telling me. oh wait, besides the constant close-minded anti-christian sentiment, granted mainly about fundamentalists, but still. Bit-chez. In the back of my mind behind all the love-fest is something dark and not nice. Mindgames. Gossip. Namecalling. Caddy gay-boys. What-have-you. Everyone has been all nice, and love, and sarcasm, relaxed, casual, sweet and welcoming. So today I take my 'MurderSheWrote' break and was on the phone-perhaps longer than work appropriate. But do keep in mind that for the last 3 days I've sat for hours at a time with nothing to do and that never seemed to bother them before. And if we're going to take JdgeJudy breaks then and have a problem w/me on the phone -then- someone is setting unclear boundaries. In walked Horace. (I caught previous, the back look as he walked down the hallway, that seemed to say, U-h, my god. Is she sssstill on the phon-.) He proceeds to come back with 'something', being as loud as possible as he wrenched open storage lids, moved the contents... after about 45 seconds of the racket I tell my friend I have to go. I say, Horace, do you need some help? He mutters, something about Mimi and Jo needing assistance- vaguely- which I know isn't true and then I say, well I can finish up that letter for you- he again mutters that, sure yah, i can start it... but that he's in no particular hurry about it and that he doesn't even know if i should send it... right. motivator. thanks. in the backofmymind i'm thinking- whatAhbitch. if i replay the event i turn to horace and say, Horace? Are we being passive aggressive? Do you have a problem with me being on the phone?... But do I say it? No. And thus is planted my first anti-horace trigger. And i'm sad about it, as i look into his dark and dreamy lashes... wishing in all that's positive that perhaps i'm reading too much into it.

The thing about these 2 beautiful people is, they're inherently self-absorbed. Which I get. You have to be. It's your show. Your image. Your money... and on and on. I said when interviewed that I was used to dealing with actors and they insisted at the time that they weren't THAT bad, but now I'm not so sure, and I don't blame them for sugar-coating it- but so it goes that behind the comradarie, and the fun and the 'playing' around is a very steep cliff with dark pointy things at the bottom. Because after all, people in this position won't let you 'be'... and must in everyway assert their alpha dog position- that you must sit, and stay, and roll-over and play dead- otherwise they'll feel that you're taking the job for granted, that you're milking the system... and on and on until you start counting down the calendar days thinking, it's not that bad. check by check. debt break by debt break. and then secretly hoping and fearing it's as finite as you'd thought- 10months, 11months- then freefall.

this was at 4:37. i then did 10 minutes of non-work, work. and the rest was sat staring into space, watching my bubbles burst- and figuring out a way to not believe in tinkerbell. it took all my energy to walk down the hall to say goodbye and up the steps to keep from thinking of all the ways in which i've ever been fired, and wondering if i'd walk away from something i thought i wanted so badly. Worst-case-scenario of- course.